I can't fall down on my knees
And apologise to you
Cos that ain't my style!

He's got you begging on your knees,
Crying in your sleep
Making you believe him
But you're stronger
Than you'll ever know, girl
You control your own world
No need to take no more

I can't fall down on my knees
And apologise to you
Cos that ain't my style!


I realized I just need love, tenderness, and self respect....

BTW.. my stupid plan failed.... Plan B should be taken place. As much as I didn't want plan B, if I really want to work on this marriage... Plan B is the only way. Then why the hell do I say I.. shouldn't he want it too?

My bags are packed this time.....I'm calm. NO drinking.... I'm waiting on validation of my ticket. I will leave plan Letter inside the mail box.

Thank you for all the support. Now all I have to do is learn how to detach and move on. The minute I'm in that plane, I need to know I am not making a mistake.

Harudah - Where are you going? To Florida? My email is digsblues@aol.

Florida is my only option..He screwed up, and I did a great job of finishing it up. Funny huh? No I didn't cheat, but....uhmmmm....

Well, thanks for the email beleiver.

I wish you would consider coming to California, at least for a visit. Life is good here. I have a roommate now - 19 years old, and he is cuter than h*ll. He only speaks spanish though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So put me on the list, at least for a visit. California is great for young people. I live in a trailer, but only 3 blocks from the ocean. My boys could teach you to surf. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Harudah,

I have been wondering about you. You don't post very often anymore.

Are you going to post your plan B letter here for us to review? How are you leaving everything with your H? I guess you're supposed to do a really good plan A right up until the time you start plan B. Are you leaving him with the best possible image of Harudah? The tone of your post leads me to believe that you are not.

Do you want to reconcile with your H? I assume that you are since you are leaving him a plan B letter. Do you have enough love for him left if you reconcile? It seems as if your LB is pretty much depleted.

Details, details, give me details!

Will you be taking classes?

Hang in there Harudah, it'll be tough for a little while, but you'll be OK.

Keep posting here - it'll make you feel better.

my sweet dearest beleiver.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> you're so good to me. The minute I'm the states, you're first on my list for a visit. You know how I love to travel and I haven't been to cali... I always thought it was overrated..ya know hollywood and all that jazz....but for you... I sure will visit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hollywood is all hype, but I live just north of San Diego in a beach town. There are tons of young people here, plus the Navy and Marines.

Plus Mexico is only 40 minutes away, but that's a whole nother story.

Harudah,
I'm rooting for you lady...PLAN B it is!
It can really help save or restore your sanity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Harudah...if you come to the Tampa area..or fairly close..let us know, we'll have another get-together.

sorry things aren't going well for you.

talking sanity... I just shaved my head! YES I did it!!! I just went under the shower for an hour and just let the water drip! I feel light headed all of a sudden.. maybe I just took out my braids and shaved my head! I'm a completely beautifully bald Harudah.....

SVB... girl, I did a couple of days of plan, andjust didn't have the blood for it.. and jsut let everything flow on Harudah plan.. some days I try, some I didnt... but I think Plan B is the best way right now.

I still haven't been able to do it.. I started to type it, but I will rewrite with my own handwriting.. but I have no idea what I can write...

I was thinking of noting everything that was good, and what went wrong, what I want, and wished for and that I am open to him when he is ready... but that's a lie because I'm not going to be waiting around for him to come..... I'd be lying to MB to say that I'd be wearing a yellow bikini in Fort Lauderdale beach and waiting for a guy who's in fogging Belgium hA!!! Then again, my head and my heart always confuse each other.

What brought this is the fact that I think he is still talk to OW... so I questioned him, but of course.. a woman's feeling is always right.. he said he did... By the time he answered my bags were in the living room... I never seen myself pack so fast.. i guess I've been practicing .. and I have a lot of books... that's the only thing that I have a lot of.. no makeup or crazy stuff just books.. lots of them and clothes.. so they went quickly inside my suitcases... and I packed well!! hahaha

Then he told me why he been acting all weird pass months because he has been reading my msgs to friends and he knows I'm planning on bailing out of our marriage, and that I hate him.
I can't lie, I said all those things, and I felt them at the time I said them.. and when I said some nights I wanted to just choke him to death. HeLL YEAH! but its anger, its not my true nature.. but he read it all.... and he says he knows about all the guys ...ha! guys!! HELL yes I have guys that want to talk to me....but I never really get close to anyone because my heart still belongs to him and that's really sad.

I think right now is a good time for plan B! I will secure my waist line and go for it..

Here I am sitting and regretting my hair on the floor........

Hey Harudah,

How are you doing? I've been thinking about you. When exactly are you leaving for Florida? Maybe you've left already!

Keep us posted on what is going on.

svb

Harudah! Don't forget about Idaho! We have river here that we float each summer . . . it is KINDA like the ocean . . . well, not really, but the cost of living is lower! And we have a great college here that seems to be doing well in football . . . doesn't mean much to me, but . . .

I love you, girl. I am glad you are following your heart, and head.

Do you mind sharing the " He screwed up, and I did a great job of finishing it up. " story with us?

And, how is your health? Last I heard, you had some test, more tests, and didn't have all the results back yet. Are you feeling better? I always miss you on Instant Messenger. Perhaps when we are both nearer to the same TIME ZONE, we will have better luck.

Remember back in, February or March, you and I and Believer were so tight. We talked about everything, all the time. You kept me sane.

Love you girlie.

Spidey

Hi everyone!

It has taken me longer time to react than normal. I used to be a decision maker. I don't talk, I DO! I guess the older you get, the slower you get... I don't beleive in giving people 2nd chances because you only get burnt, but see, I did and I keep getting hurt. I am hurt all the time. I arrive at a block in my life. I'm not making money or doing anything great for myself. It's like I've sacrifice myself for him and for this relationship. Also its kinda selfish because I'm happy to be secure, and knowing someone is home with me and possibly love me... but I am worth more than that!!! and I KNOW IT!... I just arrive at a point where I feel so lost and scared and what do I have to lose? NOthing...if I take a risk and regret something... I have really nothing to lose. These passed few months have been an eye opener for me and how I've missed out on so many things and how really happy I was with all my friends and the parties and the fun I used to have without my H. All I do here is cry... and wonder if I should go and if I should stay because of my insecurities.. but my mind is saying GO GO GO GO.. and Each time he turn around and beg me to stay, but it doesn't work this time because I spent the weekend n its monday more my mind is still on GO.. and my bags are still pack, this time there is no turning back. I think the minute Ileave, I will unblock my life is so many ways.. I will be RICH again... I will be ME again.

I settled for less.. and I wanted to keep my vows, but yet my emotions were undermind and ignored...............and that I got over all the pain and that all that was there was hate.. not true. I know in my heart I might anger, but its a way to keep me real.... HUMAN...I am learning to be human.

Also being sick have a lot to do with this. Anyways my colonscopy came back.. she said .. that I was CLEAN... kinda annoying to go through all that for NOTHING.. just reassure me that I don't have cancer. Anyways I'm still in a lot of pain.......so I have to get a blood test done.. they are checking everything, I could have liver or kidney problems because of the pain I have on my back.. under my shoulder blade... that is the worse pain I experience and it paralyze me to do anything great. I get tired very easily...

I really think if I was better physically, I wouldn't still be here, but I want to be smart for once. I would put myself in so much Debt just to get those tests and heal myself or just stick out, finish my tests and have a treatment and go. My mind is set on. I am not unpacking.

The more I think about the less I want to be with him. The more I am angry, the more I dislike him as a person and I look at all the faults rather than good now...........I'm even releive when he is gone at work.. and Iwish he would stay LATE which he HAS been doing...

And when he gets home, I want to leave the house so we can have no contact at all.

Yikes Harudah, sorry you are not feeling well. It could be all of the stress you are under. I think you should take a break away from him and think about things and relax.

I'm getting anxiety attacks... I've broken many things, but not out of anger but being nervous.. I'm shaking all the time.. even typing this message I'm shaking. I hit my head today on the kitchen cabinet and left a huge square bump on the side of head. I'm so lefty.... right now I try to sleep but I can't because my mind won't shut down... I'm here because I need to write my feelings out in order to go to bed.... maybe someone has had these feelings before Plan B. I feel like I"m not leaving just because of the infidelity.. I''m leaving for everything...

sighs*** I don't even know how to express everything why bother type this huh?

Type away, Harudah. I'm reading.

What's going on with my Cancer Crab lately? Is any of my recent angst having to do with my Cancer Crabbiness???

Peace, friend.

Spidey

probably a bad reading, but you're normal...life is peaceful and your hyper sensitivity is great... its good for a cancer, you might just a little mad cuz you might not be getting enough touch and caring...but if ask you shall get.

My aquarius self has stumbled right now. I'm a nervous wreck! I have failed everything. I know everyone says that I am young and things will get better, each minute that passes I feel myself losing control..............................................................................................................and I'm very anxious. It's like I better make a decision fast or doom to live this life with this bitter, lost, confused man, yet loving, caring, desirable...

Even when I see the bad, i see the good.. but can I live with him the way he is? the best question is.. have I accepted myself yet? I don't think so. I guess I'm not ready to really be with him. He also push me away, but its about him..its about me.. what I WANT....

1. To be the independent woman I was raised.
2. To have a loving home and feel secure.
3. To accept and thank G1 for everything and be grateful and happy.

How can I accomplish these goals with the feelings of anxiety...worthlessness, confusion, betrayled, fear

Harudah -

Plan B will make you feel much better. You can sit back and really think about what you want, without all of the stress of the rollercoaster ride.

It is quite relaxing and peaceful. Also have you checked out the young folks (20's) thread here? There are many your age going through the same thing.