No one can help me through this week end but some support and distraction will go a long way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Short story: H has left for a four day meeting. I know OW will be there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Things between us haven't been this good in years but the foundations are not very solid. H says he is so happy that I am no longer angry and am fulfilling his ENs and has no desire to be without me... Except for this weekend where he didn't want me to join him.
I'm told it's a mate thing, wined and dined and doing silly things that I really do not want to be involved with.
But he will meet up with her and how will that pan out? Will he be honest with me? Even the thought of him sharing his feelings with her makes me angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I have to not think about it, enjoy my kids (even the teenage D who's moods are driving me crazy) and wait till he gets home to me and we can get on with building our new R.
It has only been 8 weeks since his last C with OW and only 3 weeks since I was able to start my new process. No anger, less sadness,understand his remorse will take some time, ignoring his fog talk and on the road to forgiveness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
None of this is easy but I feel better than I have since this saga began.
BTW his A started at the last meeting last year.

So think of me, keep my mind off what he hopefully isn't doing and I will survive!
S

Why wouldn't he want you to go? Just cuz it's all guys? Say, "I don't mind, I just want to be with you." I would also tell him it would ease my mind and make me feel so much better to be with you for this. Have you told him your fears about the whole thing? I would tell him exactly what I'm feeling about it all and if he's really serious about rebuilding then he won't mind you going at all.

Too late - he's gone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He wanted to feel that staying in this M didn't mean he was never to be trusted. It feels like it is a test for me to trust hem and that he will prove himself to me and that we will strengthen from this. Wierd, I know but I didn't want to force myself on him. I didn't think thta would strengthen our R. Hopefullt once we have been through this next time he will want me there.

Well, I survived the first night alone and only two to go.
He was out for dinner with 30 people apparently he hasn't seen OW yet. I am working on being calm and getting through this as best I can.
S

I got news for your H - he does not yet deserve to be trusted. And, he should never be trusted with the OW again for as long as he lives. Catch a plane and join them. Or hire a PI to get pictures.

Hi John,
That's H name too.
I know my first thought was why should I trust him and I will either give him food poisoning, so he can't go or get on the plane with him.
BUT
Sometimes you need to let something go to see if it really is yours. If he isn't mine, I will live with that. If he intends to keep cheating on me I would rather stop this roller coaster and get off now. I have planned A to my best ability if it aint what he wants then I better let him go.
Temptations are all around us - it is how we respond to them that counts. If he wants me he knows what he must do - now it is up to him.

I know that is not MB ideas but sometimes you do it your way cos we aren't all the same.

Thanks for caring and sharing your thoughts.
S

He wanted to feel that staying in this M didn't mean he was never to be trusted.

Slick talker your husband!!!

He earns the trust back... when YOU are ready, not on demand... and "never" is a teenager's lament ---> "You NEVER will let me drive the family car just because I got a speeding ticket."


It feels like it is a test for me to trust hem and that he will prove himself to me and that we will strengthen from this.

This is wacked. This is how a WS makes the BS not trust his / her self. Your H is asking you to not trust your own instincts and better judgement ... instead, he's asking you to trust his judgement before he has earned that trust. It takes TIME and this is premature.

Now.... you actually have no say about this.. He's gone. He's going to do what he's going to do.

This advice is for future discussions:

Here is what you can do / say in the future, when the timing is right. Do this when you are NOT angry or stressed:

"I know I will trust you someday. That is one of my goals of my recovery. But it is too soon for me to feel safe when I know you will be with OW in any capacity. I am still to raw with hurt. You do care that I am hurt, and you do want to make sure that I feel safe and protected , don't you?"

I assume he will say "Yes"

You say," Well, one key to recovery is that both of us follow the "rule of protection". That means we both avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.Will you agree to follow the rule of protection with me?

I assume he will say "yes".

You say, "Please, let me recover and build trust at my own pace. I am doing the best I can right now. Please, do not have any contact of any sort with OW. It hurts me and delays my recovery."

Then... just listen and hear what his concerns are... if this gentle asking for his help and protection of your feelings has a negative response from your H, please let us know.

Good luck

Pep

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks Pep,

I wish it was that easy.

He is still sure that I am to blame for his behaviour. And since now I am meeting his Ens he has no reason to look elsewhere. If I 'keep up the good work' he will be happy to not stray.

I am actually the one who is not to be trusted since I allowed our R to be destroyed and made him feel unloved. I know that in time he will see his part in all this but I can't argue about this any longer, it was just slowing down our R. I decided it was easier to take the blame and move forward.

I feel liberated at letting go of who was more hurt, who is to blame and who is more angry.

I hope you are all wrong and he isn't just pulling the wool over my eyes but if he is then I am stronger now and I will survive that too.
S

wow...I wonder if he's full from all that cake eating?

He's happy that you're filling HIS ENs, he gets to see OW, he manipulates you into feeling guilty for not trusting him when he's not trustworthy. It doesn't sound tome like he's making any effort to work WITH YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that is not MB ideas but sometimes you do it your way cos we aren't all the same. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what everyone says that doesn't want to follow the MB principles because it is too hard. In many fundamental ways, we ARE all the same. The BS your husband is giving you about it being your fault is something we see here ALL THE TIME. It's pretty much always manipulation of the BS, even when they really believe it.

Well guys, I think you're wrong.

I don't think my H is cake eating. I think he wants to recover his way. He is a smart guy who is not used to getting things wrong and can't deal with the guilt.

Only time will tell. Maybe soon I will be the one eating ... humble pie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hope not cos then we will be on the way to D.

I'll keep you posted, thanks for your thoughts

S