I have this fear that if my M does not work out that my WW and the OM will. I think I would have less of a hard time with my W being with someone else other than the OM.

I know that the Harley's say that about 9/10 of A end. What has been everyone else's experience?

not only do 9/10 end, but of the A's that lead to marriage, 85% end in divorce.

I ocassionally have the same thought. But I'm not sure why. If I've done everything possible to save M and WW still wants out, and ends up with OM and it does work out, what is there to be afraid of.

I think the fear is more of a jealousy/revenge thing.

I know I'll be happier in my next relationship. Just not sure if the next one is with my WW or someone else.

I'd like to know the same thing. It would be a lot easier to have separated first and then have my WH with someone than split up because of the OW and have them still together. Almost like she can say, "Ha ha I won and you lost." Kinda like a double whammy against the BS. And to have the OW as a stepmom to my kids? I cringe to think about it!

That's one of the things that really angers me. If WH was so unhappy, why didn't he ask for a separation BEFORE the A started? Or even right when it started?

TDVA,

Glad to know that I'm not the only one that thinks that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think that jealousy is a part of it, but I also think that the feeling of failure would come in to play also. That feeling that your S found their "soul-mate" while they were married to you.

Part of me wants my WW to go head-first into the A just so it will blow apart sooner. It's wierd how the human mind works. All of the thoughts that I have been thinking lately. It's no wonder they call it a roller coaster ride.

Anyone else have any experience to share?

with three kids that is the only reason I have not done Plan B yet.

I still have about 3 months left of Plan A.


Yes, I would love to see my WW out there with OM and missing all the little things I did that went un-noticed.

this is way to hard. My IC says to try to get their aniexty up, but stay off their roller-coaster.

Here are the stats if you want em'. Basically their chance of a long term relationship are a joke. That which starts in deception is doomed.

C.

I definatly agree with you guys, the thought of my H winning out by being happy instead of hurting and recovering like I have to makes me sick. The OW was my former best friend too, so that makes it hard, she was always there for my daughter and while I should see that as a good thing for my D3, I can't help but not want her to be in my H or D lives because she has caused us so much pain. My H is in OH right now in the Army reserves and when he gets home in two months, I am so afraid of the thought of them being together and laughing and smiling all the while I try to find myself and start all over.

And honestly? My H is not with his affair partner any longer..but he's "dating"..or at least wants to date. It's not any easier.

It may be easier if we divorce, but I don't know.

My ex-husband..I cannot stand him. He's the biggest jerk I know. But even now...more than ten years later...I get a TINY ping when he talks about girls he's dating. It doesn't bother me, per se, but it's noted and filed away.

Anyway, It could work out with them, but it's unlikely...just focus on that.

Actually, I'd like to add to my post because I saw some responses above saying they would rather have separated first then their WS start the affair or find someone new altogether.

It is NOT easier..in fact it's HARDER.

In an affair, they have to deal with all the lies they told and hurt they caused other people. They're starting to see warts.

In my situation...I have to deal with all the NEW chemicals that dating someone new can bring. I have to compete against all that excitement of finding a new person. The new dating partner is not showing warts and neither is the WS. It's all about 'let's impress this person'.

rykon...

Here's my sitch...
M 19 yrs
2 kids (17 and 11)
BS 46
H 44 (midlife crisis)
A 2/04
EA/PA??? OW 41, 3 kids, getting the D
Know e/o 2 years through work
ILYBNIL 3/04
H moved out 6/21/04

I also feel at times "what if." I've asked him to read several books (2 on midlife, 1 on affairs, and I sent him this site to peruse). B/c he's in MLC it might be a little different. At this stage (3) he's still talking/seeing the OW, but he's now saying ILY to me. He feels trapped, afraid.

Not sure if he knows how to come home right now, but I'm hoping. I'd rather he be out there, in fact, said to him, if you think it will be better, go there. Just remember you're giving up everything, she's giving up nothing, resentment will grow. Logically, I'm not sure it matters to him. He has to experience his whole MLC before things getter better. I'm holding on.

As for the A, I'm acting "as if" she doesn't exist and have pulled away from him a little. I'm not there each time he calls, nor do I call him or return his calls.

Have your read The Divorce Remedy? You might consider getting it and reading it. It's been very helpful to me and keeping me in tune. There's also a website...DivorceBusting.com. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hope this has been helpful. Sorry for your situation.

ustr

I have a wierd one for you...

My W of 8 years and I started as an A during my 1st M. She wasn't M'd but was in a long-term R at the time.

Now I'm the FWH, but...
My BS is also a WW.

She is with her OM not necessarily out of some deep love and connection - she's actually told me some negative things about him in her more rational moments - but then in irrational moments she fog talks her way into moving 2000 miles away to be with him and having his baby LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But by her own admission (indirectly and otherwise), she mostly with him because...he's there, and he's not ME, and he worships the ground she walks on. He gives her attention and validation in this time where she feels worthless. In her words "I look at him and I don't see the man that devastated me."

Plus, I think she looks at him to a small degree as a potential future long-term R that she can shape and mold to her liking - someone who has all the qualities she loves in me but would never devastate her the way I did.
I think this is based on the fact that he is younger, and hasn't had much experience with long-term relationships, and is crazy about her.
Misguided, to be sure, but that's the mindframe she is in right now, it seems.

So...
My WW isn't professing great love for this man.
She has made it fairly clear that she cares for him because he's got my good qualities but none of my bad (even though he has bad of his own).
She has said "he's not the perfect man for me...but then neither are you." (verbatim, her words).
And, she has actually said things that make me think she may want to reconcile down the road.

So I wonder what the odds are on THAT one!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Any ideas?

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

My W of 8 years and I started as an A during my 1st M.
Well, I'd say her first affair is not working out right now...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> My W of 8 years and I started as an A during my 1st M.
Well, I'd say her first affair is not working out right now... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True. But I'm hoping we can eventually be the exception to the rule and work it out.
Both of our reasons for cheating were misguided and could have been solved by being honest with ourselves and with each other about our expectations and needs.

Here's hoping....

But I see what you mean - since we're having problems after 8 years of pretty darn good M, how in the world could these 2 be expected to work?
Yes...and that's what I'm banking on.

Hopefully it won't, but hopefully she'll think we can be the exception to the rule again.

The think that sucks is, when I'm talking to her about OM, I can't use that logic "what makes you think you're going to work it out? It started as a lie!" Hypocritical, considering what I'm trying to salvage right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

"My W of 8 years and I started as an A during my 1st M"

I am curious, how long did your 1st M last?

In your 1st M, when did your affair with your current wife start, in relation to the number of years you were married?
Pep

My WxH moved in with OW the day he moved out of our house. Insisted on getting a D as soon as possible so he could marry her. She was his soul mate - they would be together forever. He was never supposed to marry me at all - he was supposed to wait until he was 43 years old to meet and marry his soul mate.

Our D was final in December. In April she kicked him out. They continued to see each other on weekends for awhille. By May they were completely through.

I would say it didn't work out.

He tells me now that the 2 of them swore they would make it work - just to prove everyone wrong. Too many people told them it wouldn't work, so they promised each other that no matter what happened they would stay together just to prove everyone wrong.

Early on in their sick R I told the OW's H that the relationship would not work. I told him that a R started in dishonesty was doomed, but her H said "You don't know her - she is the most stubborn woman in the world, and if she says she is going to marry your H then she will do it."
My WxH and the OW were calling her kids and my kids the step-brothers and sisters. They referred to each other as step parents.

Now they do not even speak to each other any longer. She has all ready found a new BF.

I would say the A relationship did not work out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> "My W of 8 years and I started as an A during my 1st M"

I am curious, how long did your 1st M last?

In your 1st M, when did your affair with your current wife start, in relation to the number of years you were married?
Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep, thanks for asking:

This is all in the link in my sig called "VnusMars Compleat Story," but....

I was married to "B" (my 1st wife) for 3 years (M'd June 1993), with her for a total 4 years.

I met "J" (current W, the BS/WW in all my posts) in September 1996 - we started an EA, went to PA in November.

Within 6 months, March 1997, was initiating DV proceedings with "B" and had moved in with "J." We got M'd as soon as my DV was final and have been together, and mostly happy, right up to a month or so preceding D-Day.

My 1st M to "B" only lasted 6 months after meeting "J" because I wanted "B" to leave me first, which she did as a result of my emotional "abuse" (distant, unloving, no sex, sleeping in another room, gone until late night, etc.) Plus I wanted her to be secure, in her own house, taking everything we owned, to assuage some of my guilt.

Otherwise I probably would have left "B" sooner, that's how huge an impact "J" had on me.

Thanks for the response.

have a good weekend.

Pep