Two years ago my DW had PA/EA with one guy, and online flirt/chat with others. Started as some random email thing, with a guy she met in a "Married & Looking" chat room. We separated for a few months, at her insistence. I found out about OM a couple of days before move out date.
I went on Paxil, she was on Zoloft; had excellent MC who helped us immensely, as did the MB forums help me while I was "single". We worked together through our issues and moved forward.
Anyway, long & short is, we experienced excellent recovery & rebuild. When OM contacted her a few months ago, she told me about it that day. She did not forward me the email from OM, nor her reply, but told me that she just told him not to contact her again.
She has been model FWW these past two years.
Since end of August, I have been in Europe. We are adopting an orphan, and I have stayed in country as a way to cut costs.
My DW came with me for required court appearances, then returned home to be with our infant. We started adoption process & then found out we were expecting. Infertility issues were a large contributor to our previous marriage problems.
Being here I have missed my DW's b-day, my b-day, and our 6th anniversary. I haven't forgotten them of course, just not able to be with the one's I love to celebrate them. With the time difference, I only get to chat with DW about 10-15 min each day, just before she leaves for work. When she is done at work & can talk again, I am asleep. When I wake up, it's middle of night at home, and with her being "single parent" to infant and working full-time, she needs her rest.
Our interpreter is a very pretty young woman, about 15 years my junior (i just turned 35 last week, she is 20). DW had met this girl during her time here, etc. OW & I started just hanging out about 1x wk - nice to talk to someone who understands your native language (I don't know the local language). I told DW that we were meeting, what we did, where, etc.
About the time DW returned home, I came off Paxil. I had intended to continue through completion of adoption, as recommended by Dr. Unfortunately, with the change in routine, jet lag, etc, I kept forgetting to take it, and basically did the "cold turkey" routine without intending to.
As Paxil left my system, the side-effects wore off... one of which was decreased libido & interest while on Paxil. Since coming off the drug, I have been "taking matters in hand"... quite regularly, in fact. When I mention to my wife about being excited to "be home and hug, kiss and have sex with her" again, she is like, "Well, it will be so nice to see and be with you again too, but frankly, I could take or leave the sex". I really hope her libido picks up; the Zoloft has put her libido into sub-basement levels for months, then with the pregnancy/birth, etc. It has been a very long, difficult time for me sexually, and that was when I was on Paxil & had low libido myself.
Anyway, things started heading the wrong direction when OW & I went to a local music club, which I had told my DW about in advance. The OW's ex was there (I did not find out they were an item until a few days later). I told her I would walk her to her friend's flat after we left the club, as I knew it would be late. Turns out the ex had decided that he was going to her friend's (his sister's) place, and there was only one extra bed. He was drunk, and that's why he was going to stay there, rather than at his own place. He had been hitting on OW already, so I offered her to stay at my place that night; I would sleep on the couch.
We ended up staying awake most of the rest of the night, watching movies, and then snoozed on the couch together. I admit, it was very nice to have a warm, soft body next to mine. There was nothing more than that, but of course it was too much.
A couple of days later, she stopped by and we hung out the rest of the afternoon. My hormones were raging... I told her that I wanted to kiss her. We did, and unfortunately we both enjoyed it.
She came by again since then. Again, kissing. We have never gone any further than kissing and cuddling on the couch in front of a DVD.
Never expected this, of course. I lied to myself and said it was just good clean fun, and that no one would get hurt, because I knew I would not have sex with OW. DW is only girl I have ever been with, and our wedding night was the first time for me. In fact, when I told OW I wanted to kiss her, I told her that we could not go further because sex was only for my DW.
This was not a RA. I don't want my DW to think this, either. I have forgiven my DW and never bring up her A. I guess I was just very lonely, and horny; there was a very attractive single girl who happens to speak English, who I enjoyed hanging out with, and who dresses the way I wish my DW would.
Yeah, I know... "Cry me a river". I screwed up.
I know someone will ask... my DW is modest and usually wears long skirts, and "granny panties", etc. I have repeatedly told her I would like her to dressy sexier for me, at least occasionally wearing a thong, etc. She says she is "too fat from baby", that "thongs are uncomfortable", yada yada. I find her very attractive, but she blows off my comments. OW dresses modestly also, but I can tell she wears what I consider sexy undies.
I am returning home in a few days. I think I should not say anything to DW until I am home, as we are not able to have much conversation during the week, and then on the weekend, I have my "new" daughter with me... and she is a handful when I am fully concentrating on her, much less trying to carry on an intelligent conversation about what is going to be a tough subject.
I feel like a total heel. As a BH, I knew how much it hurt to find out that my FWW was sleeping with someone else, and wanted to be with that person more than me.
I am glad that we never went further than kissing and cuddling. That was too far itself.
I know I have to tell DW, as I do love her very much. I feel so guilty. I worry that she will be angry that I waited to tell her. I just don't know that with her trying to do all she must with work and baby, and no help (no family close), this would be such a blow to her...
I really can't believe I am on this side of the fence, so to speak. I never thought I would be writing to say that I am the betrayer. Now that I have been on both sides of the affair issue, I must say... both sides suck!
<small>[ October 20, 2004, 02:28 AM: Message edited by: Lost Goose ]</small>
