Catch up:
My BS/WW emailed me late Tuesday and said "no more contact outside of logistical" and then went off on a rant about my A's and her OM and all sorts of angry talk. You can read all about it in the thread "best way to react to BS/WW in pseudo-Plan B?"

She's kept true to her word I haven't heard a peep, shockingly enough...she's often said "final" and "hateful" things only to back down a day or two later...and that is kinda scary to me, honestly.

She is leaving tomorrow A.M. to go see OM on the East Coast and will get back Sunday night, so part of her "silence" won't necessarily come from willpower or desire but just from logistics - she's never called/texted me while with him, "out of respect for his feelings." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyway...
I do have a few logistical items to clear with her and I want to send her an email, but...
I'm wondering...

Does it look bad that I'm the one initiating contact?

On one hand, I think she may take ANY email from me, even a detached and "facts only" one as me still being clingy and trying anything to talk to her again, and maybe pull her into a conversation.

On the other hand, I think she may welcome the email because she misses me and wants to contact me but is afraid to make the first move and "go back" on her word (although she's done this many times since D-Day).

Also, I wonder if a matter-of-fact, business-only email from me may help demonstrate that I AM capable of being emotionally distant (since she probably thinks I'm so desperate that I'll send her a huge letter begging her not to let me go) and respecting her wishes, very Plan A.

And, maybe it will scare her into realizing maybe she WILL lose me.


I technically COULD wait for her to ask about these things, or not say anything at all since they're not terribly pressing.

Please help! I'd like to know if I should send this or not given the statements above.


Hi J*****. Hope things are well with you.

A couple of things:

$$ - I get paid tonight, I imagine you'll do the bills when you get back, early next week? Just transfer the money then like normal.

Cats - I will come take care of the bozos this weekend while you're away, and I will finish installing the rest of the software at that time too if you want.


<small>[ October 14, 2004, 12:08 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

Fight the urge and remain emotionally strong, respect her wishes and don't initiate any contact.

I agree. Fight the urge.
Your message sounds too much like you are looking for an excuse to contact her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> Fight the urge and remain emotionally strong, respect her wishes and don't initiate any contact. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You're right TMCM. I read that email now and I realize there's no point to it at all...

Although...I DO wonder if she still wants me to come and take care of the kitties...
Right before her "no contact" email, she accused me of snooping on her laptop...because the History in her web browser was open, and so was a PC-based long-distance telephone service program she uses to talk to OM.

I told her that honestly, I had the History open to find a page on Dell.com that I needed (I was downloading drivers since I reformatted our desktop PC), and that I didn't even know what that other program was...and even if I did, why should I snoop now? I know everything!
I don't think she believed me, of course.

So...I think she fears that I'm still snooping around, trying to get info, obsessing over her R with OM and not working on my own issues. That may have led to the NC email.

So I'm wondering if she wants me in the house when she and MIL aren't there, under any circumstances, kitties or no.

I guess I just won't say anything and go to the house tomorrow anyway, if she doesn't contact me about it first.

VnusMars you are becoming obsessive and it is doing you more harm than good. Please do something else to occupy your thoughts like volunteering to a worthy cause or charity. Accept the fact that just like your WW can't control your actions, you can't control hers. Do this and you will discover a peace like no other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> VnusMars you are becoming obsessive and it is doing you more harm than good. Please do something else to occupy your thoughts like volunteering to a worthy cause or charity. Accept the fact that just like your WW can't control your actions, you can't control hers. Do this and you will discover a peace like no other. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you are right, TMCM, and honestly, I want you to know that I DO have moments of clarity and hope, moments where I actually don't feel too bad about the situation.
I just don't tend to post in those moments, you only see my panic modes on this board! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's been a rough couple of days since her NC email. Frankly I'm GLAD she'll be gone for a few days because I KNOW she won't contact me anyway since she's with him, it won't necessarily be a result of her NC letter statements.

I keep trying to tell myself:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to set her free for the time being so she can breathe. This was mentioned in another thread that links to two articles on this very subject.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This isn't necessarily about the OM (a very hard thing to think of considering NC Day comes right before a 3-day weekend with him)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to respect her wishes as a very BIG part of your Plan A success</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This NC doesn't necessarily invalidate all the other good things she's said about the possibilities for the future</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is YOUR time to heal YOURSELF and work on your ISSUES, and you need it as much as she does</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I'll be OK, I think all of this is just growing pains, trying to learn to behave in a manner different from how I have behaved most of my life.

It's one thing to KNOW the logic of something, another make yourself FEEL the logic and put it into practice.

But in retrospect, I think I have smothered her more in the last few weeks than I did in the weeks following D-Day. I've been at the house EVERY SINGLE DAY since late September, up until 10/12. I've been VERY loving, almost too loving, even though it's all been in a Plan A kinda way.

And I've posted every detail of face-to-face, email & phone conversations trying to get feedback on what she really means and what she really wants and how I should respond. Obsessive is an understatement!

No wonder she cut me off again...she needs it for her sanity, and she knows I need it for mine too.

I think my W's claims that I'm self-serving and narcissistic are partly true - but I think they're based more on the fact that I've never really been alone, and if I am for awhile, I might improve dramatically without even having to delve into deep, dark psychological issues...even though I am doing that too with IC.

Thanks again for the balsa-wood 2x4 (it was big but it didn't hurt that bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by VnusMars:
[QB

I keep trying to tell myself:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to set her free for the time being so she can breathe. This was mentioned in another thread that links to two articles on this very subject.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This isn't necessarily about the OM (a very hard thing to think of considering NC Day comes right before a 3-day weekend with him)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to respect her wishes as a very BIG part of your Plan A success</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This NC doesn't necessarily invalidate all the other good things she's said about the possibilities for the future</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is YOUR time to heal YOURSELF and work on your ISSUES, and you need it as much as she does</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Print this out and attach to your computer. Seriously. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You're doing fine- this is a hard time!