Thank goodness my husband and OW still have their Harley!

FIM- You are seeing your WH at his worse. When my WH kept insisting that he was "not living with OW", I got to the point where I just laughed. It got to be so crazy that it was funny.

I hope you will get off this rollercoaster he has you on and stop all this. Try to enjoy your day.

Faith tell him to stop in monterey for the day....I'll find him and give him a peice of my mind...and oh gee what your truck broke down again....I wonder how that happened....2 flat tires too....thats a shame...*throws away wrench and knife quickly* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dork < = > Pendejo

The pendejo doesn't understand that even as great a love as Faith holds for him can be killed.

The murder weapons include lies, disrespect, intentional cruelty and self-indulgence, all of which the pendejo holds in spades.

He's a little boy dressed up in a man's clothes.

He's familiar to me because my FWH was so much like him. It took the near loss of all the things he values most as a man - wife, family, home, self-respect - to help him finally wake up and grow up.

My FWH is now filling out a man's clothes a lot better and I hope that soon your pendejo does so also, Faith. But, I know you understand, that he may need to have all the things he cares deeply about pulled away from him before he finally finds the initiative and manly courage to make the adult commitment that marriage requires.

Good luck and chin up. Lots and lots of us are rooting for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Wait a minute!!! What about that JOB that he was SUPPOSED to be going to based out of SAT?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think we are all in agreement that the "training session" in SAT was just a cover for his little closure meeting with OW.

Have you checked that out FiM? Was there ever really a training session in SAT? Otherwise, how could he just turn around and come home without going to SAT for the "training"? Wouldn't that cost him the job he is supposed to leave for out of country in a week?

I am so concerned about their little meeting. He really seems to believe he can go meet up with OW, get his stuff, tell her it's over and be happily on his way back home to FiM's waiting arms. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Odds are, as we've seen so many times, dork will be thrown into emotional chaos once again and his newly recovered longing for FiM will be seriously derailed when OW gets her talons digging into his brain.

FiM I am so concerned for you right now. I know that going dark is never easy. If I were you, though, I would keep tabs on him as you have been doing. I am sure he'll want to talk and tell you "everything" when he gets home and at that point you will have to decide whether to allow him a sitting at your kitchen table.

Armed with all of your knowledge of his trip and whereabouts, and knowing whether or not OW's whiny voice mails drop off once he is on his way back home, you'll be in the cat bird seat.

If he tells the truth, all of it, you might be able to put off Plan B. If he lies, you show him the door with no explanation and do as extraordinary a Plan B as you have done a Plan A.

I'll be praying for you, kiddo. Hang in there.

Well, this has actually been a decent day. I haven't talked with him at all.

The girls have been calling as often as they can get their little hands on a phone though. They just want their daddy back. I let them call when they want, he is their dad and there's nothing like your kids saying "Daddy, it's just not the same without you here" on the voicemail to make you think.

I had an open house today at the school I work at so the morning went quickly. Now we're home, cleaning house. I love the feeling of a nicely scrubbed and polished house! Once again, the fire's going, we're baking, folding warm laundry and after the house is done, we'll bundle up in the living room while it's rainy and windy outside to watch movies.

WH called last night quite a few times and left messages. He did so again while we were out. He SAYS he's around LA and planning on heading west towards the ocean. He still needs this time to himself.

WHATEVER!!

He's still longing.

Of course, he's also still not working.

But he's realizing how much he NEEDS me and us and our family.

Of course, he's not here though.

So, he'll just need to figure this one out. Without my help. Well, this may be more help than anything. Who knows.

I'm assuming that wherever he is, OW is. Wherever he's going, OW will be.

The crazy thing is that I DO believe he wants to stay married. I believe he believes mom and dad won't get a divorce and that's why he said that to the kids.

Can someone REALLY be so dense as to believe that they can continue on this path? How in the WORLD does he drive with all this time on his hands to think and not go..."DAMN, what am I thinking?"

Oh, well. I've got a lot of work this week. I want to get all the kids clothes sorted and cleaned out of old stuff. I'm going to rearrange the living room and probably my bedroom too.

If I was any good at it, I'd do some painting too. Alas, I am not. I would have to apologize for whatever horrid mess I made out of the room and I'd rather not do that.

FiM,

We must have been cross-posting. I am glad you are keeping busy. Have a good evening with the girls.

~ Snow

The definition of Insanity:

"Doing the same thing over and and over again and expecting different results"........


This is how I feel about Plan A after multiple betrayals....like in this case. Anyone giving advice on encouraging staying in Plan A after reading this case is clearly misapplying the goals of plan A. Yeah, I will get flamed here about not encouraging the marriage, but this act my FIM's husband is despicable. FIM, I mean you no offense, BUT if you go back to plan A and give your husband another chance when he comes back (in a few days....and HE WIll), then you can only hold yourself responsible. You let it happen. Good luck with your husband.

FIM.....

Yes, change your furniture around! My SIL told me she always feels better when she does that. I did that too. Felt soooo much better.

I also changed my voice mail outgoing message (with the help of bb) to "Hi! You've reached K's house. Leave me a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!"

WH didn't like that at all!!! After he said he was coming home, he called our voice mail and changed it to "Hi. You've reached K and K's house. Leave us a message, and we'll get back to you as soon as we can."

He left me a message after he changed it...."It's not JUST K'S HOUSE!!! It's MY house too."

I have the day off tomorrow. Going to buy a voice activated tape recorder. I have a gut feeling that WH is still in contact with OW. He's so very concerned about his cell phones!

I wish my WH was as easily caught now as yours is.

You go girl!

K

lemonman,

Good evening. Again, I ask, what is your story? Are you a BS? Are you hoping to heal your marriage?

FiM and Dork are at a real crossroads right now. His actions are begging for Plan B and yet there is that outside chance that he will return and spill his guts and the real healing will begin.

Only FiM can determine if she's done with Plan A and it's on to Plan B. All of your posts seem to be leaning toward going directly to Plan D (divorce) with no looking back. Is that what you are doing in your situation? I am just curious.

Hang in there, FiM.

~ Snow

FIM
I thought of something while reading your posts. My stbx filed for divorce not too long after inital d-day-this was in 2000. In no time, he changed his mind. Nothing like blowing a relationship out of proportion. When they got together again after a few months separation, the relationship wasn't as wonderful as he had imagined/remembered. Anyway I called my attorney when he decided he didn't want to go through with the divorce. My attorney informed me that it was MY call. Judges won't let the person filing back out unless the spouse agrees. My guess is he was told the same thing. Do you think he knew he had to withdraw the divorce so that you couldn't keep it from being withdrawn after his "trip?" Judges will sometimes order counseling if the spouse pleads a good case but not in the case of the filling spouse-they should have thought of that before filing.

My stbx did the same thing again. I asked him to leave and told him if he didn't I would get a restraining order. I think he wanted to shock me and filed. Thrilled me instead. His attorney more than likely has now informed him that HE can't back out. I warned my attorney he would do this and told him in no way would I ever want anything to do with this man again. We all know when that line has been crossed. Now he's laying low hoping that I will eventually give in and give him yet again another chance. Games people play..silly games.

Obviously, this had been planned well in advance. In an earlier post, I mentioned that he was still portraying you as the crazy wife and felt as if I had said something so off base by the responses of some posters. I think I was right. He's been dishonest all the way around-of course. This ow/child has had no idea that he had any plans that didn't include leaving you and being with her...no clue whatsoever. His story to her hasn't changed.

FIM, please learn from my mistakes. I let my husband come home before the work was done to prove that he deserved to come home. I think living in a camper in the alley is too close. He needs to feel the pain-deeply. I would also suggest telling the girls that they can call once per day. With that communication, could he still feel a part of the family and keep the fog intact far longer than it should? Could it show him that he could still be close to his girls and have ow/child too? You go dark-black dark and let them go gray. He needs to feel the pain.


I must say I'm disappointed that he didn't head north. My advice to him would be to stay inside if there is a thunder storm...

Faith -

Time to cowboy up and face this thing. He is acting like the typical WH. Their thinking is completely crazy. Just out of this world. They are like drug addicts in denial. It is very sad to see.

I do think he wants to be the good guy, the doting father, and loyal husband. But, alas, he is addicted.

He will be back because OW will not be able to fulfill his needs. She is probably a wreck herself.

So keep on the steady course. He will be back with you again. In the meantime, take care of you and your girls.

There's probably not much for me to add, as everyone else has given you great advice!
I would also chalk myself up as someone who
thinks you are doing the right things, at the right moment. I think your H is almost there.

Snowbelle:

I am the BS and have been through the Stages of Plan A and B and A again and now D. I hate to say it, but Most of these cases of infidelity never truly recover. I think FAR TOO many people use the few antectodal cases of recovery here and extrapolate that. I know that I will never ever let myself be humiliated and disrepsected as being in a prolonged Plan A did to me. Yes, FIM has to do what she needs to do, but my point is simply that she has been burned repeatedly with her husband and yet you can smell a hint in her posts that she will be welcoming him back soon when he "gets a clue". That is her decison and ofcourse has support, but IMO at this point any more pain she is caused should NOT be blamed on WS, she will have let this happen.........AGAIN. I think MORE OFTEN THAN NOT to many BS misapply Plan A. I mean no disrespect to you (I really don't), but I think when people post as you have done in saying "yet, there is an outside chance that he will return and spill his guts and let the real healing begin" they aren't realistic. Didn't he change or "mean it" the first 20 times. People can call themselves Christians all they want, but there is no way people should let themselves be humiliated and disrespected time and time again because they "made their marriage vows". I may be called a pariah on here but this is the way I feel. Am I scarred ?, yeah probably, but I am a better man for it. I think offering unrealisitc hope is wrong. FIM's husband has crossed over the line 1000 times over with his actions. FIM has died a thousand deaths (and unfortunately will probably go through this again, for the sake of the "marriage") and watching this situation unfold is hitting me hard I guess. Yes, it doesn't matter what I think and maybe I should be cheering her saying "PLAN A PLAN A PLAN A", but IO can't in good conscious do that. These are just my opinions, and I mean no offense to anybody. I hate seeing the pain on here everyday. I don't want to see people hurt like me. Admit it, TRUE recovery IS NOT THE NORM in reality. I didn't want to see that, but eventually I did.

Faith, I wish I would have known he was heading south on I-5 a few days ago. I would have posted a sign by the freeway that said something like..."Thus saith the Lord, Rejoice with the wife of your youth. OR Thou shalt not commit adultery." You know something to catch his eye as he passed by.

When my family travels between the Pacific Northwest and Texas, we do not travel south through California. The fastest route is through Colorado. Faith, when did he buy the trailer he's pulling?

Your family is in my prayers and I do believe in prayers. I always prayed for God to put up roadblocks and to put a hedge of protection around my husband. I also prayed that the OW would lose interest and leave. God did some miracles in ending my husband's affair including letting me catch him in some whoppers. I believe God has already been doing some of the same things for you. If he tries to head over some of those Southern California passes pulling a trailer, he may be in for a most interesting time.

Please take care of yourself and your family.

Songbird

lemonman..this is just for you...

Believe me I know exactly where you are. I'm there too. One gets to a point where enough is enough.

Things you are saying to FIM are the exact things my friends said to me for a very long time. In my head I understood exactly what they were saying and the validity of it all. That was my in my head but in my heart I wasn't ready to implement what my head was telling me.

You see, lem, we all have to take the situation to the point where not only in our head but in our heart we know that time is up. FIM's heart is not there yet and may never have to get there. It doesn't matter if the chances are 90% or 1%, she still has to see this to the end.

The posters here are in several categories..some see the possibilities, some hope for the possibilities and others who see that it is time to move on. We all have to recognize that each circumstance is unique.

I have the highest respect for FIM and deep in my heart believes that she deserves so much better than this...my dogs deserve better than this. But when you add love in the mix, these hardships look worse on the outside.

I don't know wny I'm still drawn here, maybe I want to be an encouragement to people who are where I have been. Hindsight makes mistakes so much clearer.

Do you think Plan A is the reason for your unhappiness or is it the disappointment that your wife didn't respond as you had hoped? I wasted so much time waiting on my stbxh to become the man I wanted him to be. That is not possible. He doesn't have the character. The waiting was my choice and that time was needed for me to have peace about moving on. I'm not bitter. I'm grateful I stuck it out to the end.

I don't understand why someone would cheat. I've never met anyone who was special enough to cause that much pain on the innocent. I don't think he exists. I suspect you may be of the same mindset so these situations are more than we can comprehend.

Please understand FIM's need to see this to the end. She needs our encouragement and support.

jph:

Your thread makes sense and I thank you for it, I see what you are saying and I agree. I have to realize "one size does not fit all" here and be supportive (even when I 100% disagree). Thank you for the insightful post. I think my anger and pain is a combination of things and I am over the hurt and moving on with my life. I deserve better than this and will get better than this someday...I deserve that, we all do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What an odd time to end up posting this....weird.

I screwed up this evening. Plan B is a hard one for me and maybe I'm as addicted to Plan A and WH as he is to OW. That's one to ponder.

Anyway, the kids called a gazillion times! WH didn't answer all afternoon. When he finally did, I told one of our daughters, "Hey, ask dad which direction he's pointing." They wouldn't know the meaning in it so I figured it wouldn't hurt.

He said west. Well I didn't believe that one. So, I got on the phone. We talked for a few minutes and I asked, Is she with you?

No.

Okay. Are you going to see her still?

I'm not going to go through this damn question everyday.

Click.

Well, yeah! He's with her. That came through for me loud and clear.

Well, later we end up talking again....I SUCK at Plan B.

He says he can only talk for a minute but wants me to know he wants to talk, really talk, sometime soon and that he still feels the same way he did last night.

That would be the longing and wanting us to be US again.

All of a sudden, he says hold on and puts his hand over the phone.

Then, after about two minutes, he lifts it off, says I'll call you back later....

And I hear HER voice.

I said, Is that Carrie?

No.

Oh. I kinda snorted....ladylike, I know!

and hung up.

I pretty much had a breakdown after that for about 20 minutes. Then, I called both of their cell numbers and simply said, I have had enough of the games. I am calling the commanding Col. in person tomorrow. This is, I guess, the final step for me. Good luck.

Haven't heard a peep from either one of them.

I had a feeling when she stopped leaving messages for him that they must have gotten together.

His last purchase was just outside of LA on I-10....hmmm....LAX inbound maybe, followed with a road trip to SAT?

I really and truly can't imagine ANYTHING that is going to turn this one around for me. I have hit that threshold. His voice was that same cold and unkind one that he had before he came home. Hours with her....and it's back.

I've called his mom to tell her I'm not continuing with this. She said she'll keep praying but respect me because I probably held on longer than she would have been able to. She is extremely disappointed in him.

Before I heard IT'S voice on the phone, he told me he was going to go to Guatemala to see her in the next few days. He wasn't coming here first though. I can only assume his plan was to park at IT'S house and go back there to get it again.

Oh, but, he's coming back here after that.

GAG!!

So, I have MIL support to leave him. That does mean a lot. I know he is WITH her tonight. YUCK! Just a few nights ago we were SF here. Gross!!

So, this is the end of it for me. That line has been crossed. I just can't continue to be the odd man out in this triangle. I HATE the thought of them plotting and planning against me to be together. That is my own pride speaking and I know it. But I am tired of accepting the role of the stupid wife.

I know I'm not. But they would put me in that slot.

Ugh. I'm tired. I'm going to take a sleeping pill and go to sleep.

I'm glad I told them about the commander. That is the one thing that will assure WH won't come trying to get me back. That will be his line that I've crossed. Funny huh?

Aw, geez, Faith. I was hoping against hope that he'd finally just snap outta it.

You've put so much into this and for so little return on his part. Having been there myself I know how heartbreaking this is. Here's a snippet of an interview conducted with the late Dr. Shirley Glass, author of "Not Just Friends" that might help you gain a new perspective on all of this the way it helped me:

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Some people may be acting out like rebellious adolescents against a spouse who is too parental.


Q. What is happening in those relationships that are parental or in other ways not equal?
Dr. Glass. Sometimes there is an over-functioning spouse and an under-functioning spouse. One partner takes on a lot of responsibility—and then resents it.

The more a person puts energy into something and tries to work on it, the more committed to the relationship that person is. The other partner, who is only semi-involved in the relationship, is freer to get involved in an affair, because they’re not as connected to the marriage. This is interesting because the popular notion is that the person who has the affair wasn’t getting enough at home. The reality is that they weren’t giving enough at home.


Q. How do you handle that?
Dr. Glass. In rebuilding that relationship, more equity has to be created. The issue isn’t what can the betrayed spouse do to make the partner happy—it’s what can the unfaithful spouse do to make their partner happy. In research and in practice, my colleague Tom Wright, Ph.D., and I have observed that when you compare who does more, who is more understanding, who is more romantic, who enjoys sex more—the affair is almost always more equitable than the marriage. Usually, the person was giving more—more time, more attention, more compliments—in the affair than in the marriage. If they can come back and invest in the marriage what they were doing in the affair, then they’ll feel more. There is some research showing that people are more satisfied in equitable relationships. When relationships are not equitable, even the over-benefited partners are not as satisfied as those in equitable relationships. Certainly the under-benefited partners are not satisfied.

* * * * * * * * * * * *


I was always the more competent, involved, nurturing, responsible, INVESTED partner. My FWH, with less invested, had less to lose by stepping outside our marriage and indulging himself in a 2.5 year internet and phone EA. A condition for my even considering trying to recover our marriage was that, from now on, he had to step up to the plate and be an equal partner in our relationship. Every day in every way.

You've invested so much FiM, of yourself, your love, your understanding, patience and forgiveness. Mr. Faith, on the other hand, doesn't appear to have much skin in this game at all, and neither did my husband. For myself, until I saw FWH as fully invested as I am, I knew I could never feel safe from lies and betrayal and hurt again.

Maybe this is part of what lemonman was getting at. Your great Plan A, Faith, got you even more invested in the marriage than you had been before. And it delayed the day of reckoning for the dork to stand up and be the man you believe he can be.

Only you can know if and when it's time to cut your losses. To stop throwing good love after bad. For what it's worth, I support whichever path you take.

I admire you greatly. You've shown more perseverance, hope, faith and optimism than I would ever have been capable of.

Oh FIM..

Your head and your heart must be having a dogfight right about now.

Unfortunately the time that you most need your wits about you is the time when you really can't rely on either. So warped and skewed is your perspective by stress and trauma. I remember it well.

The first thing that came to mind when you posted that your H was almost certainly going to see OW was that he told your girls the D was off to set you up.

So FIM..with much humility I offer my opinion that that time for strategy has passed. Your H is a manipulator and a liar. He's good at it too, although as I have opportunity to observe him..his patterns become clear. He planned to see her while he was making promises to you..while he spoke to your local priest..while he burned the D papers...every vow he made was fraudulent. He twisted you and bent you over to his liking..got you soft and plush and even got you to doubt your instincts screaming at you that some nefarious plan was afoot.

I really think it is time to look at the man your H is insisting on being and decide what you want in your future based on who he is and not who he was or who you want him to be. These character traits can not all be blamed on fog or dorkness.

I digress though. You will make your decisions based on what you feel you can live with at the time...and you will pay for them either way. There is no good option here..I know that.

Sometimes it takes an alarming [to onlookers] amount of time for our hearts to accept what our minds already know. Denial is a two way street.

I do not disagree with LM on any given point..but jph has made a very good apology. People are not done until they are done..and each person has a different place for the location of "done".

If you have not reached "done" yet you have my continued support and hopes that this will be resolved in a fruitfull manner.

--Noodle

Perdida..what an amazing post.

We must have posted at the same time. I think you hit the nail on the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />