I don't really know how important my bio is, however, you should know that H and I have two children under 2, we've been temporarily separated since August, and dday #1 was 2/13/04 and OW contactd H and the A flared up for a week in April.
I did a big 180 yesterday, H picked me up at work, so we could exchange cars with the babies car seats. He could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong. I asked him if he had some time to talk before rehearsal, he had 45 minutes. H looked concerned, scared and apprehensive. I think he was prepared for me to tell him the worst, a part of me wonders if H thought I was going to confess an A.
I confessed my role in the dissolution of our marriage. I told H how I had let him down as a wife. I expected too much from him and marriage and not enough from myself. I resented him for staying at home, even though this was a decision we made together. I had financial concerns I didn't know how to deal with and tried to involve him in discussions by nagging, manipulating, and making him feel bad. I didn't know how to talk about my concerns with our sex life, so I complained.
At home I was negative and complaining. For a long time I was unhappy and withdrew from everyone and everything. At the time it seemed I had sacrificed everything - my name, Catholicism (he's Lutheran), cats, coaching, and my individuality to the role of being a wife and mother. The more inconsequential I felt, the uglier I became. I stopped taking care of myself and did my best to look unattractive. In retrospect I did everything I could to repel him because I was miserable.
I blamed H for my burdens and fantasized about his death and so I could fall in love with someone else. Someone who would make everything in my life better without me having to change and accept responsibility for myself.
I indulged in self-pity, anger, and righteousness.
I'm happier now, happier than I've been for a long time because I'm accepting responsibility for my quality of life and finally beginning to balance my individuality with motherhood.
I'm sorry that I shut him out of my heart, let him down and abandoned him. I would like to be a better wife, but I know that opportunity may be gone forever.
Then I told him I'm afraid that I'll never be a good wife because I'm selfish, manipulative, and I keep score.
Throughout this H's eyes became red and watery. He held my hand and squeezed my knee. He comforted me by saying that he's guilty of putting himself first and trying to get his own way, and keeping score. He thinks that everyone struggles with this. That this is a natural part of the human condition, learning balance and control. He told me that he struggles with this too. I told him it was comforting to know that I'm not alone. H told me to read Act 4 of The Crucible, cause it addresses this issue.
Talked about how hard it was to let go of my marriage expectations, and how I no longer know where marriage leads. I told how I think being righteous is one of the worst things you can be - H said that's not true. I then said that even Jesus said he didn't come for the righteous, he came for the sinners, because the sinners know they need to be saved but the righteous think they're perfect of their own accord. I kind of said it in a funny way and H laughed. H said I was sweet.
Then H said, "hey what do you think about this, I saw you had some wine out. I'll come home tonight after rehearsal and we can drink wine, eat cheese and crackers and listen to some music." I said that sounded very nice, we hugged and H went to work.
H came home at midnight, I got dried salmon and fancy cheese to put on our crackers. I showed him the work I did in my darkroom class that evening. I did about 6 more headshots for him. 4 month old daughter was still awake and flirting with us, smiling and cooing. We watched Conan O'Brian a bit, joked, and then H showed me the stage combat stuff he's learning for a show. It's a very ornate fight scene and I loved watching H move and explaining the movements. We finished our little meal and I put daughter to bed (she ended up sleeping with us anyway) and H worked on the program for his show that opens Friday and then came to bed. We hugged and fell asleep.
So, about my 180. I've talked about my contribution to the dissolution of our M, but it's only ever been addressed vaguely or I gave an excuse, "I was depressed last year." I wanted to take complete responsibility for my actions, acknowledge where I feel I failed as a wife, and share my regret and weaknesses. I did not talk about our future together. So I cried, but there was no pleading or begging.
I remember first reading in Harley's book about a BH writing a letter to his wife about his faults in the marriage pre A and at the time I thought that sounded pathetic. Why should the BS have to pretend that they contributed to the problems of the marriage? I didn't do anything wrong. But, now I understand this more, I used my anger and hurt to block out ways I hurt H and myself.
I have more compassion for my H and for me now. And it only took me 9 months to get here. I have no idea what's going to happen next, because I certainly didn't expect that I'd needed to confess something too.
<small>[ October 14, 2004, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: Loy ]</small>
