Hello again - WS has finally started to admit some things about herself and OM but it has taken Plan B and OM dumping her to make it happen. Mainly telling me stuff that she knows that I am aware of and not much else.

She has admitted that OM broke her heart (no surprise to me but it hurt me to hear her say it). WS was surprised and hurt to hear that OP was blaming her for the A given that she stuck to their pact and has been covering for him.
WS understandably feels betrayed and like a fool as she threw our presenty difunctional M away and he gave up nothing.

She is now starting to see him in a new light and realises that most things he said about his BS were untrue. Unfortunately I think she is still infatuated with him and is suffering withdrawal as a result.

WS told me that she missed me for the first time in months, i should have been happy but it was really confusing to me. When she asked me if I missed her I said that I didn't as I had been missing my wife (not the alien presently in her body ;-) for the many months that the A was going on.

WS is wallowing in self pity at the moment and I can see no real effort to try and fix the broken M. I will have to hang tuff and PLAN B her properly (i.e. no contact) no matter how hard she tries to contact me or how low she is.

Not sure what the purpose of this rambling post is other than to vent and tell someone about how strange and confusing my world is at present. I am sure that many of you have visited and may still be wandering around in this pityful place. Thanks for listening to me!!

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Is your wife having no contact with OM? If so, might be time to drop Plan B.

And don't expect her to put a lot of effort into anything right now.

believer - Have been in plan B for a total of 5 days (although WW continues to contact me every day). Far as I can tell contact with OM has been broken as a result of exposure making OP dive for cover.
You are right on the money, WS is not making much effort just wallowing in self pity & looking for me (or anyone) to support her reasoning as to why the A happened. To be honest she has made no effort for since A started many months ago but this was part of the expected script.

I hope / know that I will be a better person as a result of this experience

If there is no contact, it is time for you to move toward her. And she will not be real cooperative or loving right now.

But this is your chance to give her a soft place to land. I would let her know that you would like to work on your marriage (if that is how you feel) as long as there is no contact.

Heres a strange one. OP just tried to contact me, do not know why. Not sure if I should return his call or just let it go.

Not sure what good can come out of the two of us talking at this stage as I am still very angry.

Any thoughts / expeiences?

The only exception to having contact with the WS under Plan B is for emergency purposes relating to children. If you are breaking contact just because she wants to talk to you then you are not in Plan B.

The time to break contact is when the WS approaches the BS with a sincere desire to rebuild the marriage by applying The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. and be willing to join the BS in counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley Chalmers of Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Peny Tupy fromSave Your Marriage Central. Anything else is just allowing the return of the pre-affair conditions which created the fertile environment for the affair to occur.

Hi RM,

You have hung in there...and for all intents and purposes Plan B worked. We are all scared to go there, but sometimes it takes a shock. You have planned well for this moment and soon, WS will express the desire to come home and rebuild. I agree with other posters to go to MC esp. with MB which has helped me all along the way to keep my sanity. Even though we BS's have gotten the end of NC...there is still alot of work to be done....but for right now...atta boy.....keep up the good work. In many ways, you have prepared for this moment. Remember to go slow and to take care of you.

Thinking of you, SS

TMCM and SS, thanks. I don't by any means feel out of the woods just yet. I actually needed Plan B for myself as much as for WW. Not sure where I want to go with the M at the moment but as you say am hanging in there.
Question - OM tried to contact me don't know why? Should I make an effort to contact him?

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

It is interesting to me that your WW’s OM is blaming her for the A. That happened to my W also. When his W found out he couldn’t blame my W enough. Even went so far as to say she stalked him and he was afraid of her. In a phone call to me he threatened to file a sexual harassment suit if she contacted him again.

Not until then (about 5 months after DDay 2) did W start to come around. I was getting mostly lies, anger and erratic behavour from her before this.

One of the strangest nights I have ever spent was holding my W and listening to her cry her heart out over the fact than her lover did not love her. She even remarked she felt as if she talking to her best friend. That healed several of the cracks in my heart in one moment.

Now, I still get some anger, mostly deflection from herself, I think, but things finally improved enough in the months after this watershed that I felt safe enough for her to move back home.

Another testimony to the power of exposure.

T

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 01:07 AM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RenaissanceMan:
<strong> Question - OM tried to contact me don't know why? Should I make an effort to contact him? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk to him and see what he has to say. I would keep plan B w/ WS until ... WS agree to NC, willing to work on M and willing to ammend you. Otherwise you will have UNREPENTANT FWS on you hand. Read "How A should end" .

-rh-

I don't want to be a pessimist, but a long time ago I came to the conclusion that if the reason my WW came back was because SHE was dumped by the OM.,I would not let her return. It may be my personality, but I can understand and forgive a mistake, but I am NOT anybody's second choice.

Best of luck to you and I truly hope it works out for you.

OM dumping your WW is a very good thing. WWs misery and self pity will work itself out in time.
My own experience was that soon after being dumped FWW wanted to be close to me, and be reassured by me.

I was not in plan B though. Wise heads care to comment on the circumstances when plan B should be ceased ?

I suggest its all good RM, the A seems close to being ended !

* edited for cymanca - I know what you mean cymanca. My FWW only finally went NC after OM dumped her but understanding the dynamics of affairs means I have HOPE at least that she will , over time, love me and hate him. However my FWW had stopped physical contact with him and had not called him for a month before being dumped.

The 'dumping' was just a catalyst to end the A.

If FWW still thinks well of OM in, say, a year afer d-day I couldn't continue with recovery. Not sure what I will do, because of the kids, but I would need to protect my heart under those circumstances.
I will not be a consolation prize, seecond to that wastrel scumbag.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Being second in her heart is a big deal to me, also. I hate thinking I only place after this player-scumbag. However, I kind of look at it like Bob does. OMM scratched at the start of the race. He has been disqualified. I win after all.

For those of us who subscribe to love is a verb, the feelings come back in time. If I fill her LBank correctly, which due to a good Plan A was already showing dividends before exposure, OMM will eventually be just a really bad memory for both of us.

I hope.

T

If you accept that the affair is just a fantasy, I don't think it matters who dumps who. I've seen many folks here get their "dumped" spouse back, and go on to have wonderful marriages. And the WS ends up thanking the BS for not giving up on the marriage.

As always the advice from cool clear heads at MB is right on the money <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will say that I was not overly confident of Plan A and and Plan B working when I first read about them (seemed somewhat counter intuitive). However with the experience and support of all those before me at MB I tried and for all intents and purposes they "appear to be working". To some degree I failed in the exposure side of things as I let WW convince me she would do harm to herself if I told, hence I let it go on for too long. Eventually that problem was addressed by an anonymous person who was obviously stonger than myself. I have somewhat redeemed myself by being open, honest, sincere and supportive of OP's spouse.

I to am a proud person and I and am not happy that WW did not end the A, rather she was dumped. Nor am I happy about being second best, mainly because this does not inspire confidence that over the long term WW will not do same again.

On the positive side I am making progress, but need to work on myself and stop worrying about WW so much.

That's the beauty of Plan A / B working, they give you some options that otherwise would not be there.

I would just like to say thanks to everyone for helping, I am truly humbled by your kindness and humility!!!

RM

<small>[ October 17, 2004, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Good luck...my contact with OW was not good. It just made me feel worse. Do whatever you feel you need to do. It did make me realize that there is no hope for my M and now I'm trying to move on.
Hope all goes well.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I to am a proud person and I and am not happy that WW did not end the A, rather she was dumped. Nor am I happy about being second best, mainly because this does not inspire confidence that over the long term WW will not do same again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lets hope that when she comes out of the fog she will be better than before. But you have to be a part of this. Don't think of it in terms of her recovery but more so as recovery of your union as one. Do not fall into the trap of being too proud. Look where pride got Satan and he started out with a much higher post than any of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

A blessing is a blessing and if God decided to have her dumped it might be because He knew that she lacked the strength to do it of her own will. Be positive and control your pride. Let your ego take the sidelines while this thing plays out. In the end you will be the ROCK that stuck it out and your "W" will know it.

Take Care

C.

<small>[ October 17, 2004, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: shmaley ]</small>

Thanks again to all the advice and different perspectives being offered folks.

WW did not contact me for a few days, but tried to yesterday over a family matter. did my best and did not retutrn the call. No contact is "tough" when you see the number flash up on your phone and it's the person that normally makes you all warm on the inside (not to mention crazy over the last few months).

OM contacted me yesterday. Left message wanting to apologise for his actions. Good for him!! I didn't return call as I really could not think of anything that he could say that would make me feel better at this stage. Maybe some day in the future.

I have started reading some books about relationships / behaviours and can see some definite areas of improvement for myself. Some will be hard as they appear to be learned behaviours, but it is definitely a worthwhile journey of self discovery. Strange how this journey to hell (and back?) has brought me to some interesting places along the way. There are important life changing lessons to be learned here in this house of pain, irrespective of the long term outcomes. Enough with the philosophy 101, just wanted to say thanks and provide an update!!

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Hi RM,

Glad to read your posting. You are doing a great job. It seems your WS will be contacting you soon for soft landing--that is you and the safe place that you created. It is incredible the OM contacted you to apologize. I would do anything for that to happen--I think the OW in my case does not have a conscientious and it would never occur to her to do anything like that. It seems to me that you have a good chance to save the M and make it a better one. I agree with you--the benefit of this experience is to become a better person. We would all wish for it in another way, but I guess that is life. Hang in there, RM. You are doing great. Treat yourself to something good and try to be good to you until WS comes back. You will need more strength and patience for that experience. That is what I am finding. God bless, RM.

SS