Long distance A but OM comes to our town periodically. I'm pretty sure he got to town today (snooping in my WW calendar). She called before I left work & said she was going to meet a woman friend & do some shopping. WW has been trying out different scenarios for being gone this weekend i.e visit friends, stay with parents, etc. I got home from work & strong smell of perfume in bathroom (for a female friend?) My question is do I let it go & continue to paln A, do I try to get evidence but not disclose, do I confront & LB? She knows that I think he is here this week & she is into the privacy thing. I'm afrraid any more pressure may drive her to him. D-day was 9/17. No committment to NC or working on R. What do I do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dizzybynow:
<strong>I'm afrraid any more pressure may drive her to him. D-day was 9/17. No committment to NC or working on R. What do I do? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is already with him w/o you pressuring, what are you talking about ?. What do you want to do ?

Whdt did she say on D-day ?.

What are her complaint about you before d/day and after d/day ?. Have you work on the issues ?

Why do you put up with her having A and enabling it ?. What are you afraid of ?.

-rh-

It is impossable to reconstruct your marriage if there is continued contact. Confronting about contact IS necessary. Good luck!

After D-day, she said she would never do this again. I disclosed to her parents, my parents, her brother & OM's wife(totally snowed by OM). Since I've been on this site I've done my best to plan A but some LB especially last night (she kind of drew me into it). She would not do NC totally & 1 phone call after that I know of to OM. Right now I feel like I need to leave the ball in her court to maybe let the shine wear off. If she is with him (like I can believe oterwise) it is the first time since D-day. I feel like just letting this happen to see where she goes with it then deciding whether to press or not.????

Oops, I forgot. Have you disclosed the affair to family and friends? If you have not... do it. Affairs tend to die during the light of day. Is he married? if so also inform his wife.

Sorry, we posted at the same time.
The most important thing is how are feeling about YOU right now? It is a given that she cannot feel truly good about herself, but have you done a true plan A which is not really about your spouse, but about You?
Why would you let her see the OM and not confront her on your feelings? Don't allow her to fence-sit. She needs to get off the proverbial pot.

I have told her how I feel about her meeting. In fact yesterday, my office was broken into & all my computers stolen & I said to her I can't take any more stress. If you are planning to meet him this week & you want him more than me, have him. (major LB, I know). I've told her that I am willing to wait till the dust settles before making any major decisions but I can't do that if I know she is still in contact.

I'm so sorry about the theft. It always seems to me that this sort of thing happens when you can least handle it.
The best thing you can do now for your marriage IMHO is work on YOU. Try to remember the person who you were before the stress of marriage and bills and kids. You are a seperate entity from your wife and she will never be able to really love you unless you love yourself.
Her choosing to have an affair WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! She used a faulty thought process to try and build her own self-esteem and instead found herself in a morass of lies, half-truths and deception. She may or may not eventually realize this. But, in the meantime you cannot control what SHE does. You can only control yourself. The one thing I learned 6 years ago when my DH did this was the art of self-protection. I worked on me. On being the person that he fell in love with. The person I was and had lost. But, in doing so I realized that if he couldn't see through his fog who I was, his loss. I found me again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Right on target!! That is why I'm thinking of letting this go for now although if I can get more evidence for OM's wife, i.e. pictures of WW's car at his house down here if she uses one of the excuses to be away for the weekend. But not to do any more confrontation because it only seems to make matters worse. P.S. What is IMHO?

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: Dizzybynow ]</small>

In my honest opinion. You know your wifes personality and habits better than anyone. Who knows you may have to eventually go to plan B to protect your heart and the love you still have for her. Just don't quit on yourself. Put alot of thought into why you believe this happened. And try to not put yourself down.
To recover your marriage you have to get behind the truth as to why this happened to you both. It is like pulling teeth at first to establish the kind of communication essential to finding these answers from your WS. But, it is absolutly neccessary to a complete recovery. Will she agree to professional help?

No MC- she says we've tried that & only ended up arguing more (true). I think this thing needs to play out more with her. Let her have more time with OM to see that it is a fairy tale. At this point- she needs to decide- I'm OK either way although I love her & want to have a new R. "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was yours. If not, it never was"

Have you thought about Plan B then?

Yes, but in Florida there is no legal separation. She won't leave & I'm certainly not leaving. The only Plan B in Florida is D.

I didn't know that. Have you thought about it just for yourself? Maybe you could better handle the situation.
I had a heart attack the night after my DH came clean with me. I was appointed help there. I told my dad to have him leave while still in ICU. I was in my early 30s. We were separated for a few weeks. He got a good dose of her... and found it un-palatable. Poor baby! LOL.

If you leave the house in FL, the other S can gain primary custody. Besides, the A is long distance so if she moved out, it owuld mostly be phone contact so not much chance of getting sick of him.

I am so sorry. I know how you are feeling. I hate to also let you down, I know how much this site can help. But, I have to do the dinner thing. My 14YO is clammering for his dinner, and DH will be home in 5 minutes! I'm doing Swedish meatballs on a garlic parmisan sauce over pasta. The way to a mans heart is through his stomach you know! Will see you tomorro!

Thanks for talking, it really helped alleviate the anxiety. I'm sure now that she is with him. Say a prayer for us & I will for you.

Dizzybynow,

what is her excuse to have A ?

-rh-

Dizzy, How are you today?

A lot has happened. I was right, he came to town. Long story short, I caught them together at a bar Thuursday night. All day Friday I was ready to be done. Friday night she was reaaly down & seemed remorseful. I was indifferent to her & felt bad by Sat. morn. I started thinking that maybe the thrill was going away for the A. I told her that I could consider keep trying if I knew it was going to be over. Today it has been up & down. Right now she is meeting him supposedly to end it. I told her it wouldn't work if she sees him, that it should be with a letter or at least a phone call but she wanted to do it her way. I still don't think it is going to end for her by seeing him but told her that if this is how she wants to do it go ahead. I told her that it hurts me this way but I will not take away the option of us working things out if she goes. She agreed to a time limit to be home by 8:30 amd right noe it is 8:05. the suspense is unbearable but hey...Plan A??? I really don't know where we go from here. Thurs. nite hurt so bad because she knew what was on the line bu tI just keep reminding myself that it is an addiction & I need to help her thru it. One thing I did right to help end it is I called him thurs. night (lies, lies, lies) and I called his wife. My WW said this afternoon that she thinks I was able to kill it because of that. Wish us luck & pray for us.