I am serious when I say this, my display name says it all? Can it (my marriage) be saved?
This is my confession. I am the cheating spouse. I will be married next month 14 years but I believe that day will not come. I am truly sorry and remorsefull for my selfish actions. I have wronged the one I love and my children. I have apologized profusively. I have sought the counsel of a priest, a pastor, a parent and a therapist. My spouse who has had knowledge of the affair for 6 months has only told friends, neighbors, people on the forum, and a few family members. She is up and she is down emotionally but has always maintained to me that we are going to work this out. I believe her but she has not sought professional help to this point. I recently discovered she got reaquainted online the past month with a former lover. I found out from a friend whom she confided. He is married, supposively happily, with children and is successfull. She said it is just friendly conversation and that she would have told me but she knew it would upset me. But finding out from a friend has made it worse and yes I am upset. She asked me to leave the morning I found out, casue I was unreasonable to assume she would quit talking to him durning this time of crisis. Friends and family have told her it is wrong, but she is stubborn. Our children ae now see ing this play out before their eyese and they are upset. I am concerned what this will do to them. She has been deceiving me about this and other things for a week now and though I am the one who had a brief one week affair, I can not trust her.
I am routinely reminded of my transgression. I know I am wrong but being told over and over again is frustrating. I accept responsibility for my actions but what happened was the result of overwhelming stress in the marriage. I believe my wife has a a problem that many may joke about, but it will ring true for many. My wife is a Compulsive Shopper. Our debt is so large and massive I am not even sure at this point what the final tally is. It has been this way since day one. I am a very paitent man and only wanted to see my wife happy. But I never really understood the seeds she was planting for destruction. Dsctruction waiting years down teh road. My wife has bought expensive shoes for $100 or more then put them in a Payless Shoes Store box marked $12.99. She would buy expensive items at stores and tell be she got it at a bargin at a yard sale. She does not pay the bills and when I try to controll her she is resentful. She over draws our account and I usually ended up paying over drawn fees routinly. She is so envyous of what others have and she does not. She likes and desire highend items like Lexus or Mercedes. She has often bargined intimacy(sex), like if you do this or that then I will have sex. She has often offered sex only to turn away making me feel rejected. In turn many times I have been left to masterbate but that only makes me resent her more for not being there intimately for me. I work 2 sometimes 3 jobs to get make money to pay the bills, but it is never enough. She works too but feels her money is hers to do what she wants.
My affair was tragic. I never intended for it to happen and never went looking for it. I never loved the woman nor she me. When it happend I was working 14 hour days and dealing with the financial stress brought on by my wife and my reluctance to control her. As well as her lack of intimacy. The affair was over within a few days and quite honestly I do not remember much of what happened or what I emotionally was expereinceing at that time. But I knew it was wrong when and so did she and it ended. We used condoms but one time one broke. She became pregnant and had a child. It took nearly 9 months to tell my wife. But the stress caused by my wife has never wanned.
So now everything is at the point of destruction. I can no longer take it anymore. I have alwasy wanted to remain married to my wife and want this marriage to work, but she feels she has done nothing wrong. She can not see what she compulsion has done to this marriage. Se refuses to recognize that she replaceced her sexual satisfaction with orgasmic feeling she gets spending money. There are so much details that I have not share. But never the less I am at the end of my rope. For over a year now I have been very hard on myself. I almost was ready to brand myself with a Scarlet Letter A tattoo on my chest. I am depressed and restless. I can not concentrate or focus. But in the last few days I have opened my eyes trying too understand my actions. The torment of her friendly reaquaintance is unnerving. And though I know I have done wrong and will be accountable and I can not help to see what she has done throught these 14 years of deciet, over spending, mood swings, having children, envy and jelousy of others has had to have been a major reason wny I have done what I did. I have never went after another woman and was never a "skirt chaser". It was not that my wife was ugly, I hink she is very atractive, but the woman I had the affair with was average at best.
And now I am here at this point in time. I feel like I can not say how sorry I am anymore. I have said it so much I feel like it has lost it's meaning. She has not gone for help, she refuses to think that she could have played a part in this. I have wanted this to work but now I doubt and really not sure if it will work. She needs to change as do I but if she can not reconize that, what is the point. I feel I owe it to my kids to try but I just do not know anymore. I need help, I need to understand. She has a serious problem but who am I to tell her anything since I am the bad guy who caused all of this. Please someone tell me all is not lost.
