I got the news last night that WP and OM are engaged.

I don't remember exactly what I said. Something that started with asking when they'd gotten engaged, went through a quiet set of words about how I'd been true to her and she had broken all her promises to me.

The wedding will be sometime in April. (The anniversary of their first kiss is in April.)

It was quite a shock.

I cried, and was really upset.

And then it hit me.

I'm free. Free. FREE. I am no longer ethically bound to maintain the integrity of my marriage. DONE. I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

God but this feels good. A huge weight is off of me. I will probably do stupid things in my giddiness, but man oh man I am so pleased.

I'm going to join eHarmony today. I was planning on doing it at the beginning of the year, but it looks like I'm graduating early.

Yay yay yay yay!!!

Just J:

Glad to read you are able to find the Silver Lining to this rainy day.

I'm sure that Both the Tears and the Cheers were EACH Equally Bitter Sweet!

However, Since it's a Done Deal, I'll just wish you only Health and Happiness as you continue on into the Next phase of your Life.

Sorry that the %'s dictate that they all Can't be Happy Endings. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But I like the fact that you are looking at it as a new Beginning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> (what they say it right.... IT IS all about Perspective ).

God Bless and continued Success <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Edited to correct my Huge BOO-BOO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
I sincerly apologize....When I read "OM" at the top I just Assumed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> OOOPPPSSS!
Thank you gray. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

I'm going to join eHarmony today. I was planning on doing it at the beginning of the year, but it looks like I'm graduating early.

As top rope said, it is bittersweet and always will be, but as the years go by, hopefully it will be with fondness that you remember the love you once shared (and who knows what is around the corner for you both).

The hardest thing I ever did was let my DD's dad go, and once again open my heart to another. But love is boundless and a GREAT love you will have again.

I am a big fan of Eharmony so I think this is very exciting.

Have fun JustJ and here's to the possibility of new romantic interests!

Life is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((JustJ)))))


Weaver

silly toprope, J is your sister!

J, enjoy the cool new adventures coming your way. And congratulations on seeing the good in this. Bet there was a time it would have seemed impossible.

GC

{{{{{{{{{{{{{J}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes. Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving sweet.

~ William Shakespeare


The thought manifests as the word. The word manifests as the deed. The deed develops into habit. And the habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care. And let it spring from love, born out of concern for all beings.

~ Buddha


*poof*...and there you are....put the feet up, grab the beverage of your choice, curl up, close your eyes, breathe...think of you....the limitless horizons....WOW....take care of YOU...hug DD extra close...

~ Dylan

Thanks everyone! And toprope, it's totally fine. I'll be brother AND sister if you'd like. (Thanks for pointing it out, gray.) I'm an equal opportunity sort of a gal.

Which means that not only am I joining eHarmony (to meet men), I'm also joining True.com to meet women. Hee hee hee.

This is fun.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dylan -- yes, I will hug DD extra close. She and I are going to have yet more fun this next year, and I hope she'll meet someone who will be an absolutely fabulous step-mom or step-dad for her.

Wow I love your attitude. you need to rub off on me. What a great spirit you have. I hope you don't mind my commenting!! You are an inspiration. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> An open spirit, free of others judgement and just seeking happiness. Good for you!!!!

J,

It is a shock, isn't it? Kind of puts that final nail in everything. Weird to not need to carry that niggling little feeling of expectancy in the back of your mind any more.

Like you've said, though, it also wraps things up and makes way for other bright paths. And as someone else pointed out, you can take the good stuff with you: the memories, the good things learned about yourself and the world.

I was really happy to learn that my ex was engaged. I think he kind of eased up on his aggression and defensiveness around me a little bit after he got engaged and married. He didn't have to keep "proving" anything (to me? himself?). It was settled and he could let some of it go.

You'll still interact with OP a lot due to DD. That is an ongoing .... "growth opportunity" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Which means that not only am I joining eHarmony (to meet men), I'm also joining True.com to meet women. Hee hee hee.

Oh you brassy, brazen thing, you. I'll be laughing the whole time I'm washing dishes over this one. To read this last post of yours on this forum just tickles me to no end. Girl you got b*lls!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KMEJ, thank you for the kind words. This is tough stuff, and I've been doing it for three years now. Somehow, in all of this, I seem to have found a modicum of wisdom and peace even on the really difficult days. And yet I must admit that as the high is wearing off, I find that I'm a bit shaky and tired. Freedom means, to my animal mind, that I have the opportunity to make a break for it, to escape the wild beast that caught me. Having made my escape, though, it's time to fall over and sleep for a few days to recover.

These waves of good and bad will continue for some time, and eventually they'll settle back into the normality... hm. "Normality" of my life. (I've never really been all that normal.)

Turtlehead, you're absolutely right about the shock to the system. Even though I'd kind of been expecting it at some point, I hadn't looked for it just at the moment. I dunno whether WP will ease up on the aggression now. I doubt it -- there are still too many things that have to be dealt with. And my own anger is, of course, still there some of the time. It comes with being hurt, and this is one of the greatest hurts anyone can live through.

Still, it's amazing what it feels like to begin to implement plans that I've held off on for, in some cases, more than a year. It feels really good to join eHarmony and True.com. It feels really good to simply know that there is life out there, that I have good friends who have quietly supported me -- both here and elsewhere -- throughout my days of trial by fire. I wouldn't have made it without them.

And it's good to know that really, my circle of friends and family has grown immensely in the year-plus since WP and I have been separated. My life is so much larger because of all that's happened, and I am so much more willing to appreciate the good stuff (big and small) and welcome it into my life than I was before.

I've learned a lot about being thankful. I suppose that's odd. But right now, I'm honestly thankful that it's over, that I can return to living my life in a way that's meaningful to me, and that there are so many potentials and opportunities out there for me to seek.

I still don't know when I'm going to have time to write my book.... but I know it'll happen soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
<strong> I'm free. Free. FREE. I am no longer ethically bound to maintain the integrity of my marriage. DONE. I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

God but this feels good. A huge weight is off of me. I will probably do stupid things in my giddiness, but man oh man I am so pleased.
Yay yay yay yay!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{Just J}}} I love this part of your news the BEST!!!!! I'm so happy for your peace and thanks for the smile you put on my face this morning. You go, girl! KB

And it's good to know that really, my circle of friends and family has grown immensely in the year-plus since WP and I have been separated. My life is so much larger because of all that's happened, and I am so much more willing to appreciate the good stuff (big and small) and welcome it into my life than I was before.

I loved reading this part. The things we were told as children - "growth is only possible with pain", "where one door closes another opens", and so on - becomes so clear as we gain in years and wisdom.

Most of the people I know who are truely the most beautiful, the most open, the most humble are those who have suffered enormous loss. Also those who are and have battled crippling addictions or who have hung on in the face of what seemed to everyone else to be odds too ridiculous to keep fighting against.

Beauty comes from the battles we have fought and lost, more so than from the battles we have fought and won. I believe this with all my heart.

You have fought the good fight JustJ, and you have been rewarded with great internal beauty and grace.

Take care,

Free?

Free from ONE THING - what about all the rest of it?

BTW, I read about half of your thread on the other site. It is painful, and I have a hard time staying there and keeping reading.

What does fall do for you?

SS

Hi Weaver! Thanks for the encouragement. Does it take brazenness to say that yes, I'm going to start dating? After all this time, surely pretty much everyone here knows that I like both men and women? Gee, if they don't, well, err, hi everyone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Still Seeking -- Yes, free from one thing. It's a big thing, though, and I am still, even several days later, finding that I breathe more easily. The air in my head is cleaner -- and I didn't even realize it was foggy.

I'm not sure what you mean about the rest of it. Could you explain?

And yes, my other thread is painful. There's been a lot of hurt in all I've been through -- and I've given some hurts in that time, as well.

Knewbetter - Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As an update, I did, of course, crash on Friday evening. That much of a high early in the day leads inevitably to a low later. I'll post about it on my other thread, where those updates will continue to go.

I will say that DD's response was just perfect -- and made me cry for a completely different reason.

Sometimes I come back and read things again, and the tone sounds a little off. My last one here was that way. I wanted it to be as gentle, teasing tone, but it sounds kind of harsh as I read it again.

Freedom from:
Falsehood
Error
Goals set too low
Expectations set to high
Feelings we won't let go of
Memories that are just that, not real.

I could go on....
limits we place on our selves
darkness
hate

Freedom to be who we ought to be, who we need to be. Who we want to be.

Free with rules that protect us, but don't limit us. Freedom to know which really are, and which really aren't protection, and limits.

I think I know where you want to be - isn't this a swell journey?

Please forgive me when I am off a little. I have those days sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I didn't mean to take away from your joy, I am happy for you - and I should have done that post differently. I should have helped you celebrate.
It's not a light thing, but I believe you will forgive me.

From the rainy desert southwest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

SS

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Ohhhh, Just J! I was going to warn you about the low that was about to follow the high! Looks like you already found out.

Glad you are doing so well!

Congratulations JustJ.... I remember when I first started posting at MB you were so willing to listen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm so glad you are feeling better and moving on to an exciting new life!

Free!

Believe me when I say I can relate to the feeling - but for entirely different reasons. Nonetheless, I bet the feelings are very similar.

When my son finally died after almost 5 years of chills, thrills, and spills - when it was finally over - no more worrying about what would happen to him - no more tears of sadness from others knowing what was inevitable - no more of his pain from shots, chemo, and radiation - I am not ashamed to admit I was relieved - and free.

FWIW - I met my sweetie via match.com. Perhaps you'll soon meet her...............

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Still seeking, your tone wasn't really off. I just didn't know what you meant, and since I know your writing fairly well by now, I knew it had to be more than what I was thinking. It always is, with you. No apology was necessary, but the sentiment behind it is always a welcome one. (And on a completely separate note, how are the grandkids? I do love the thought of you playing with them...)

Freedom. Such a list you put together. Freedom from...

Falsehood. I hope to acheive this, and I knonw that falsehood plagues our human existence. Whether it's internal self-deception or external intentional deception of others, there is no full freedom from this one. I can only truly free myself from self-deception, and not inflict falsehood on others. Others, well, I can ask, but they may well not listen.

Error. Errors will always occur. Some of them will be minor things that are easily corrected. Some will be major ones, and will lead to destruction that can't be redeemed. I know that. I fear it -- and I go forward anyway.

Goals set too low. Hmmm. My goals. Dear me. Well, okay. What I -really- want is this. I want to walk to a job in the downtown area that's about a mile from my house. I want to work there each day for four or five hours, and then come home and have lunch with my spouse. I want to do work that's meaningful, that touches people's lives. After lunch, I want another few hours to spend on writing, to allow the flow of words to come and not have to fit it in around other things.

Then in the afternoon I'd like my children to come home -- all five or six of them -- and I'd like to have a household alive with laughter and visitors and good smells. I'd like to have dinner with my family around the table, I'd like to have an evening with family spending time together. Not watching television, but doing the many things that families do -- homework, playing games, reading, paying bills.

I would like there to be enough money for us to do this, put out kids through college, and take an occasional vacation. I'd like to live happily ever after, even though I -know- it doesn't happen with anyone.

Expectations set too high. Expections... of myself? Of others? Yeah, my standards are high. Not many people meet them, but I try not to measure anyone but myself by them.

Feelings we won't let go of. Sigh. No kidding. I'm working on that. This last week has been a study in it. I really, truly, am done with my marriage. Not the ranting "done" that happens to all of us in these situations at one time or another. It's just -- over. My life is somewhere else now. The emotions still wash over me and I still mourn some of what's lost. But it seems that this set of waves of it is smaller than it might otherwise have been. It has still led me to some unwise actions in the last few days, but hopefully those are dying down now.

Memories that are just that, not real. We're never free of these. But I know that over time they become less sharp and painful. The betrayals that happened in my early 20s no longer pain me. This one won't either, in another ten years.

limits we place on our selves. This last year has been a study in limits -- both good and bad -- that I've placed on myself. I've learned a lot from it.

darkness. My soul has dark places, places where anger and rage and fear and

hate live. I give them as much acceptance as I can, shine light on them whenever I have light available to shine, and do my best not to inflict my darkness on others.

Freedom to be who we ought to be, who we need to be. Who we want to be. Tough stuff.

Free with rules that protect us, but don't limit us. Freedom to know which really are, and which really aren't protection, and limits. And here, too, tough stuff. It's been a year and more of study on this one, and I'm still not sure that I understand what's protection and what's not. What I once thought was protection turned out not to be. So trusting my own judgment is hard.

I think I know where you want to be - isn't this a swell journey? There's one freedom you missed -- and that's the freedom from worry that my relationship with my daughter will be tampered with again. I thought I had it pretty well dealt with, but even a small amount of threats from my ex has sent me back into that dark and frightening place.

I didn't mean to take away from your joy...

It's not a joyful place that I'm in. Profound relief -- but it's got sorrow at its heart, not joy. So you're not able to take away from it, and even if joy had been there, you wouldn't have.

I should have helped you celebrate.

It's not a celebration. Well, it is. But it's not.

I have, however, been winked at by four different people on Match and the others. That's worth at least a smile, if not full-blown celebration. I wonder if I'll go on a date with one of them sometime soon.

Hi, J. Been thinking about you. Hope all's well...

GC