My H's affair began shortly after my nephew was murdered, and I've noticed that a number of other affairs also began after a major life crisis. I was wondering how common this really is - how many of you experienced this?

My H affair started after our son was dignosed with kidney failure. The friendship had already started and he was attracted to her but the physical part didn't start til then. He was having a crisis of his own. He had lost his third job in 8 years and he was turning 48. I just wished we could have turned to each other. I tried to turn to him but he wasn't there. How about you? Did he make any effort to come to you? <P>------------------<BR>di<p>[This message has been edited by SDS (edited September 19, 1999).]

No. He seemed withdrawn and I knew he was unhappy about a number of things that were going on in our lives, but he continued to deny that anything out of the ordinary was bothering him.

Nellie<BR>In our case it wasn't exactly a crisis. It was several major life changes.<BR>Our oldest son graduated. We made the major move of our life (lived in the previous house for 13 years). Then my H turned 40.<P>We had lived a pretty steady predictable life till all this.<BR>

Nellie, it's ironic that you mention a correaltion between a crisis and an affair. My ex H's affair started about 2 months after his mom passed away. I could have almost forgiven him but it went from 1 to 2 to 3 different women. Maybe the fact that we got married so young was the problem. He hadn't quite sewn his oats. He finally admitted to me that it was his mother's death that forced him to re-examine his life and realize he was not in love with me anymore. That's why he was seeking emotional and physical support from these others. He hurt me bad but I have learned alot from the situation. Sometimes people don't know how to cope with death and they turn to others because they want to escape what's going on at home. Others use it as a time to refelct upon their own mortality and "live it up" before it's too late. Or that's the only way they know how to mourn, in their own strange way. My situation was a change of life for both of us. I hope it works out better for you. Good luck

Nellie1 - <P>Other people who know my W have stated to me that her affair may be in part to her overcoming ovarian cancer last year. In Feb 98, W was diagnosed with ovarian cance and needed to have 1 ovary removed. Recovery has been clean so far, but I suppose it could have been a wake-up call to her.

Nellie - my mom had been 13 days out of chemo when my dad was killed. The circumstances were unusual and it is still unsolved. H and my dad were very close. He developed his "friendship" about 6 weeks later.<P>Lori <p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited September 18, 1999).]

In my case (I am the betrayer), I think it followed a series of crisis.<P>I went though my son's brain scan and EEG with subsequent disabilities testing, my mother's cancer, a bankruptcy, a change in jobs, and my mid-life crisis. I had been in counseling by myself for about a year before the affair. I felt like I'd gone through everything all alone because my H was working too much to help me much. <P>Yes, I believe that crisis bring about affairs - sometimes, at least. In my case, for sure.

Yes Nellie, I'm there. A series of crisis in my case, starting with a somewhat serious ilness on my side, going trough the deaths of both my birthmother and adoptive father - an interval of less than a year between the two - the death of one of his best friends, compounded by financial problems, extra hours of work for both of us, and some other minor things.<BR>Yeap! All this did have it's effects, and the affair was one of them.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat <P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

In the four years prior to my H's fling, we had gone through five pregnancy losses, including the loss of two daughters, each due to stillbirth in the eighth month. I think that H was so trying so hard to be strong for me that he felt he couldn't turn to me for help in dealing with his own grief.

Prior to H's affair he had been approached by a mojor auto maker for a very prestigious position. They courted and wooed him and then he didn't get the job. I was also 8 months pregnant...that too seems to be a real common theme with adultry.<P>------------------<BR>Joan

yup, mine was after i held my grandmother for five days until she died....<BR>notredamefi - i questioned things after she died...but along the lines of have i loved enough? have i loved passionately enough?<BR>not a conscious decision to 'live it up' though...too depressed...<BR>my H's happened after he found out about mine....<BR><P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

Hi right ith you all on this one<BR>My H's affair started RIGHT when we moved to a new town. He just finished residency and thins was his first job as a physician. He was now no longer a student and a "real" doctor. New town, new people, and new women who looked at him as god.<P>Long story short, it lasted four horrible months, but now we are seven months into our fantastic recovery.<P>Hang in there folks, life ill be better...I promise!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<BR>

I don't know that I would call any of the preceding events a crisis, but in the vicinity of the time the affair began we dealt with:<P>Selling our home of nine years<BR>Buying an expensive, under construction "dream home" in an extremely family oriented community.<BR>My pregnancy and birth of our second child.<BR>My son and I being in a major auto accident when five months pregnant and then four months of fighting with insurance and repairs on the car.<BR>Landscaping, decorating of new house.<BR>Husbands 40th birthday. <P>There were large tensions in the marriage for a couple of years, but I think the capper was husband cracking under all these new responsibilities (baby, house, son going into first grade) right around time of 40th birthday.<P>By the way, most of my readings suggest that major life stressors often precede affairs. They can act as triggers of depression, which can be instantly relieved by getting involved with someone new. The books also say that the high is temporary, and when the collapse comes it's way worse than before the affair.<P>Let's hope so. Crashing, unfortunately, is probably the only way these addicted men are going to get out of this. If they were going to end things based on it being "the right thing to do", they would have already done so.

Yes, this is how my H's 1st affair happend. I was suffering from clinical depression that lasted quite a while with a few relapses along the way. I, at one point thought it would be understandable & I was suspisous, but of course, my own mental health was an issue, so maybe I was just being parinoid. He even used my illness to throw me off, your meds must be off, you need help, blah blah blah. The sad part is I thought he might be right. At least now I know I wasn't crazy. ( as if this isn't driving me there)<P>The difference for me is that the affairs continued long after I recovered, and there were 5 total. I am still struggling with this as I only learned of this 6 weeks ago.<P>He said that once he started it was almost impossible to break out of the mindset. He said he felt so low anyway that it didn't matter. I find that one hard, is it like, well I had one piece of cake I might as well eat the whole thing?<P>The other problem with us is that the crisis keep happening, we went bankrupt a few months ago and now I wonder how will he handle that, not to mention the one were in right now. So yes I can see how affairs can start after a major crisis, but the affair in and of itself is a crisis. I guess it's all in how you see it.

Yes, this is how my H's 1st affair happend. I was suffering from clinical depression that lasted quite a while with a few relapses along the way. I, at one point thought it would be understandable & I was suspisous, but of course, my own mental health was an issue, so maybe I was just being parinoid. He even used my illness to throw me off, your meds must be off, you need help, blah blah blah. The sad part is I thought he might be right. At least now I know I wasn't crazy. ( as if this isn't driving me there)<P>The difference for me is that the affairs continued long after I recovered, and there were 5 total. I am still struggling with this as I only learned of this 6 weeks ago.<P>He said that once he started it was almost impossible to break out of the mindset. He said he felt so low anyway that it didn't matter. I find that one hard, is it like, well I had one piece of cake I might as well eat the whole thing?<P>The other problem with us is that the crisis keep happening, we went bankrupt a few months ago and now I wonder how will he handle that, not to mention the one were in right now. So yes I can see how affairs can start after a major crisis, but the affair in and of itself is a crisis. I guess it's all in how you see it.

Nellie1,<BR> I believed we discussed this on a thread a while back,but I think it's worth some merit.I know three people who got into affairs and/or got divorced when building a new house.Ironic,is'nt it,you're finally building your dream house,and end up destroying your marriage.I think some drastic life changes just push some people over the edge.My W had to take a job transfer,a cut in pay,afternoon hours,and hated her new boss.She was'nt really happy about being in her early 40's and getting older.Four months into her new job,and BOOM-an affair with a much younger man.One that made her feel like a giddy teenager(her words)again.But she had worked around men for years,so what do you think?Was your H close to your nephew,or do you think it just added in to other problems in his life? --Murph

My Wife’s first affair started when I was in the states for three months (We lived in England at the time). Her second (that I know of) started about 2 years after we moved.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Murph,<BR>My H was not close to my nephew, but of course it is hard not to identify when someone close to you loses a child, even an adult one. During this same time period, our youngest fell down the stairs, and my H woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me if she was breathing - that was totally unlike him - I'm the one who always worries excessively about things like that. We had a number of other problems, eg. financial, at the same time - I think perhaps it pushed him over from low level depression into major depression.

As I replied in the midlife thread, my H's affair started after a number of life changing events -- turning 45, building a house, selling other house we had lived in 21 years, death of best friend, death of father, laid off job, new job with lots of stress, both kids leaving the nest, new house causing financial pressure... fear of getting old, seeing a wife who isn't 21 any longer. It all adds up.