Why do men do this to their wives, I've always had a hard time understanding how you could hurt someone that you love in this way. Do you love and want your wife and still have A's? How can people do this and still go home to their spouse and lie to them, are there no morals anymore and if so, at what point do they come into play?

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Jennie G ]</small>

Jennie,
You should buy and read His needs, her needs. It describes in detail a few of the many ways an A can happen. I think it's important for you to learn that while the WS made the ultimate mistake and should take full respobsibilty for his/her actions, that BOTH parts of the couple share responsibility for letting the marriage deteriorate to point that makes it open for an affair.

I also must tell you (kindly and gently) that I take a little bit of offense that this question is directed at men only. This is not a "men only" club.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone with my post, I'm just grasping for an understanding of why men have A's. It seems as if women have them for different reasons, but all because certain needs aren't being met. I never knew that there was anything wrong with my M until I walked in on them in bed. My H was distant but that was the only suspicion. I've always poured my heart out to him but he has never been one who talks much and I don't know what he is lacking if he doesn't talk to me about it. No, he doesn't deserve all of the blame. I'm just searching for some opinions is all. I really didn't intend to offend anyone.

Men have A's for the same exact reasons women do in my opinion. It's not true that men have sex purely for the physical part of it. Let me give you a perfect example:

My A started in a chat room, a few months later went PA, when we finally decided to meet I wasn't really interested in the physical part of it (although I did go through with it). You see, I got plenty of sex from my wife, she has a high sex drive and was ready anytime I was and sometimes when I wasn't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . By the time I got to were I was going to meet this OW she had already filled the EN(s) I was lacking. The Sex was not necessary for me. Although again I did go through with it, but more because that is what was expected of me from her.

What EN did this OP fill?

Boy thats a deep question believe it or not. I'm still in the process of discovering the answer to that myself. If I had to say right now I would say a few of them that include - conversation, admiration and making me feel wanted. See I had all of this without the physical part of it.

They didn't do it to you - they did it for themselves.

Loy - SO RIGHT YOU ARE....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Loy:
<strong> They didn't do it to you - they did it for themselves. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is true.

I love my W more than anything. I had no intention, even in my darkest days of cheating, of ever leaving her for any OW. I was happy in our M and now that I'm a FWH am desperately trying to convince her that we should rebuild our M. And the only way that's going to happen is if and when she believes that I have changed and will never cheat again.

And that entails taking the part of me that we both recognize as the root cause of my infidelity (and other negative actions in my life) and correcting it.

For me, it was about INSECURITY, and EGO.

I'm a musician, I was in a popular band (I have since quit that band as a step towards healing myself and rebuilding my M), and it was extremely easy for me to find OW for PA's (never EA's)...they call them "groupies." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The lavish attention I received from them was intoxicating and overpowering, they boosted my ego to epic proportions and turned me into somewhat of a naricissist. I was constantly in the mirror, fussing with different hairstyles, different clothes, different personality traits, always trying harder and harder to be impressive, charming, handsome, and sexy to women.

It even turned into somewhat of a game, and a source of "competition" among my bandmates - on any given evening it was "can I get a girl to at least WANT to sleep with me, even if I don't go through with it?"

It even became a challenge to me to admit upfront to a girl that I was married, and happily so, and see if I could STILL make her want to be with me. Even if I didn't follow through (and mostly I did not), it was the knowledge that I COULD that was the most addictive.

I rationalized and compartmentalized this behavior in numerous ways:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I'm just having a little fun, I will never leave my wife for any of these girls"</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"What she doesn't know won't hurt her"</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"It's part of being a 'rockstar,' it's expected</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Having these flings makes me more confident" and that will benefit my W in the long run"</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Pretty ridiculous, isn't it?
I despise that person with all my being now. That "player" that I was trying to be before was the worst possible side of me coming to the surface and spreading nothing but negativity onto himself, his marriage, and even these OW and their expectations.

Yes...I hurt them, too, because most of them thought I really liked them, that I was really interested in them, when really all I wanted from them was attention and adoration. I didn't care about THEM, I cared about myself and my ego, and when that was no longer being satisfied, they were of no use to me.

And when I told them "hey, I can't do this anymore, I love my wife and want her to take me back and work things out" - they realized they were nothing but a game to me, and it seriously hurt their feelings, and now I'm sure they have a great deal of anger and dislike for me.

Meanwhile, my gorgeous and loving wife was at home and work, sensing my desperate attempts to be loved by all, putting up with my frequent out-of-town trips and tales of partying all night. She knew nothing of my A's, but she suspected from time to time. She was wonderfully loving, caring, attentive and my best friend in the world.

And in the process of watching me act like a self-involved teenager, she was growing up and up, graduating college, getting a great job, maturing and adopting new priorities in her life. I was totally supportive of her growth, but I realized too late that I wasn't growing with her.

And guess what? I became less valid as a H to her, and she found OM, someone who was like me in lots of ways but totally unlike me in others.

Once she discovered my A's and admitted hers, the walls came crashing down, and now I'm a FWH, totally changed from who I used to be on the outside and in my daily conscience, and in the process of changing what is INSIDE that caused me to act that way to begin with.

But she is full of rage, pain, disappointment, and mistrust. Her self-esteem has been crushed, and that's a big deal for a woman who has always been confident and strong.

She isn't sure we'll ever work it out again, but I know part of her wants to, somewhere deep down beneath the hurt and devastation.

And, she's still with OM, as much as she can be from 2000 miles away. He has her more than I do now, and that kills me. She gets her validation from him, because he worships her and he hasn't devastated her. She tells me in so many words that he's not really a replacement, he's not THE ONE for her, she's not in love...but that could change if she allows herself that option.

So I have to not only fix myself and make myself a presentable H again, I have to convince her that I'm worth her leaving her OM, that I'm worth another chance, and that I will never hurt her again.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>