At the advice of Dr. Harley, I brought up HNHN to WW last night. Told her that there is a way to get the passion back in a marriage. We started talking about 'things'.

She says that she misses OM -- even though she still works directly with him, she's been good about not going out to meet with him. She says that she thinks about their future together at times but that she doesn't think that there's much there since they work together and since they got together under these circumstances. So why are you still with him?!?!?

She says that she loves him and that he knows her better than she knows herself. She knows what she did was wrong and hurtful, but she justifies it by saying that she "wasn't looking for anything, it just blindsided me."

She still hasn't made a decision as to whether or not she wants to work on our M with OM out of the picture. But she says that she's very lucky to have "two wonderful men that love her very much." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ARGH!!!!!!!!

Is this worth it? If -- as Dr. Harley states in SAA -- she is always going to be in love with OM, do I want to save this M? CAN it be as fulfilling as if the A never happened?

I'm praying to God for guidance. I pray that he'll let me know what to do. I'm praying for everyone here too. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi,

Not so far ahead of you in all of this, certainly no expert, but...

If you love her it is worth it. And, I think you will have a fulfilling M if you persevere.

First, your W is so lucky to have you. Many BS would bolt.

She sounds like she is in WD/fog. Fortunately, at least according to the books, since the A didn't last all that long, the WD period should not go on too much longer. But every minute is a torture.

So...I say, hang in there, and hang on tight.
My Dday was 5/8/04. My Hs A lasted 15 months. He stayed in WD/fog until 9/04, which I think is pretty good considering I've read it takes 2-4 weeks for every month of the A for WD to lift.

Those four months were awful, hellacious, painful (far worse than pushing out 3 babies without anesthesia!). He said some of the most thoughtless, hurtful things that, unfortunately, I will probably remember for years. I am working so hard at letting them go. You will have to do that also. Pretend she's mentally ill right now. Disregard 'fog talk'.

What broke it? I really think in my case, I started to read to him (from Harley and other sources) about how the A is an addiction, just as serious as alcohol, cocaine, heroin. My H is a person who scorns addictions. I think it really offended/threatened him to think he could be in the throes of an addiction. So, just like some people can quit cold turkey when they are really ready to quit, he did it. He woke up one morning and told me he felt much better, it was over in his heart, he could move on.

That having been said, all addicts are at high risk for relapses, probably forever. So, just like the recovering alcoholic who never drinks again, but will always crave the taste of alcohol, I believe my FWS (and yours) will always carry this burden. And so will you, and I, and all BSs.

Is it worth it? For me it is. I love him, he loves me again, we have 3 great kids, a home, share 2 families, are active in church and community, are far more intimate on all levels than we ever were before the A...

Good luck. You are in my prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
-------------------------------------------
FBS-me-49 (for 1 more day! Turning 50 tomorrow!)
FWH-44 M-20 yrs DD-18, DS-15, DS-9
EA/PA-2/03-5/04 D-day-5/08/04
NC/NC ltr-9/3/04
In recovery-with God's help

jsenp,

Thank you. I'm glad to hear that you are in the recovery stage. Do you ever ask your H if he still thinks about OW and what those feelings are? Is the marriage becoming deeper and satisfying to YOU?

I am pretty sure that this is what God wants from me. I just find it difficult to picture what the future holds.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Posted by rykon:
Is this worth it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">rykon:

Unfortunately, those types of "future" questions can't be answered at this time.
[By You or us].
Your going to have to move farther Along in the process to Just "begin" to unravel those questions.
Indeed it is a process, as well as a jouney.

However, IMO if you DO stop and end it NOW....you'll only end up with all kinds of Regrets.

You know, all the: (What ifs , I shoulda done this or that...why didn't I....).
And that will leave you "stuck" emotionally.

Try to Stick to the Plan and Give it your Best.

The worst that can happen is that you will SAVE YOURSELF....and then you'll be able to truly move on (as a healthy and whole person) knowing that you did everything that you could.
Even in that case, you'll be able to have healthy relationships in the future...because you won't be carrying around All the Baggage from this one.

Trying to work it out is the ONLY effective way to Deal with what is happening to you (regardless of whether the M itself survives or not).

Anything else is condemning yourself to most likely years of emotional turmoil.

Hey, and the good news is......that by Following the principles here, you have a very real shot at saving your M as well.
Then it just comes down to YOU and do you STILL want to be married to this Person.

That's one ONLY You can answer.

But not NOW......cause you don't have enough information Yet.

Keep at it!

You're doing it because yoiu take the promise you made to your spouse and to God seriously.

Because you believed the prayer about "what God has joined together let no man tear asunder"

Because you think you love her more than she hurt you

Because love is stronger than pride

Because you recognise some small part of the mess was your contribution and want to put it right

Because you want to be able to look back, recovered or not, and know you gave your marriage everything you could.

Be strong. We are all in teh same boat mate, hose of us, WS, BS like who want to recover from the meteor hit.

You can do it. Thousands have been successful using MB.

All blessings.

ryk-

Sorry for the delay, was off the computer for the w/e.

Do I think my FWH still thinks of the OP? Yes, I think he does and will for a long, long time, but less and less over time. Do you still (or ever) think of high school romances? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do, every now and then, wonder how they are, etc.

But, while I believe he thinks of her, I stopped bringing it up for a couple of reasons. First, if he wasn't thinking of her before, he would start then. So, my bringing it up perpetuates her interference in our R. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Secondly,I want her OUT of our M, so I'm working on letting it go. Believe me, I know this is hard. The BS wants, needs to know about the A, and the OP, to make sense of the chaos that their life has become. But, there has to come a point at which the BS must put it behind them, so that healing takes precedence. Some days it is hard for me not to ask. But, (I read this here) I ask myself, 'Do I really want to give the OW that much power over me? Would she delight in knowing that I think about her, that she has dominion over my thoughts?' So, I pray to God to forgive her, and to help me put her behind me. It is working. And (this is childish, but so what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) I have a fantasy in which I meet her (this will probaly never happen as she lives 1000 miles away). In my fantasy, I look her in the eye, and say, "You are nothing to me. You are a loser. I won my H back. Our M is better than ever. I forgive you and I pity you b/c you have nothing now."

This will get easier for both of you. Just as it will take time for your WW to get over the A - she will think of the OM less and less -it will take time for you to stop thinking of him, as well.

You also asked about my feeling re our M. I think our M today is far better than it was before the A. It took my H 4 months to go through/be finished w/WD. A horrible 4 months. But, now that it has broken, it is like a rainbow after a storm. I very much look forward to the future with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep pushing. TopRope and BobPure are right. You want to do everything possible to avoid regret, b/c it's the right thing to do, b/c you took vows before God, b/c you love your W.

And there's this: Don't let the OM win. I know revenge is not a Christian ideal, but think about how it's going to affect him when he learns your M is back on track, and he is the loser. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Good luck. My prayers are with you, all BS/WS.


FBS-me-50
FWH-44 M-20 yrs DD-18, DS-15, DS-9
EA/PA-2/03-5/04 D-day-5/08/04
NC/NC ltr-9/3/04
In recovery-with God's help