Hey everyone come jump in my pot of confusion, the soup is still warm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

What a rollercoaster! Now that I've entered what I hope is "Recovery" every week without fail my M takes a dive then a rapid ascension, and yup then another rapid dip. This week was the first time I actually detached enough to not react negatively to the downward dip. My W is still so flip floppy its a very wearing sitch to deal with.

Please allow me to give some brief background. Last weekend starting around Thursday, things begin to get better since last weeks quick dip, infact Saturday was very nice and so was Sunday. Sunday was so peaceful, enjoyable I actually turned to my W and said,
"Hey lady maybe you should write down how you're feeling right now, you know take a few notes so you can refer to them later to remind yourself that we do have "GOOD TIMES". Just a few days ago you were saying we *NEVER have good times, or things are always *Stressed"

of course neither of us wrote down how peaceful the weekend was but you get the point right. So it started again on Tuesday, I could see the distance settling back in. My W became more and more standoffish, no outward signs of affection, she began coming home later and later, Welcome back stress and tension, but unlike other weeks I refused to bring up my discontent with her avoidance, I took some advice on this board and chose to keep quiet. Did it do any good? Yes and No. Yes because my W did finally come to me yesterday, mind you it took 3 days out of our lives for her to come to me and say,
FWW: "I want you to know it isn't you, it's me..."

ME: Thinks to self:Blah blah blah, like I don't already know that sister. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I haven't done anything except work, cook, clean and compliment you, how on earth could I be responsible for your own mental gymnastics and inner turmoil, guilt etc...

My W just went on to express that she thinks we need counseling, but was reluctant to further express what was bothering her. I told her I was a big boy, a grown up and deserve to be informed about things that bother, trouble, hurt or threaten my M. Bearing that in mind, my W stated how badly she wants to be in love, how she wants to reconnect but honestly doesn't feel *CLOSE to me, in effect she doesn't feel *In Love With Me and wants that IN LOVE FEELING BACK.

POW! Okay, so I being a guy started offering her advice, telling her of all the things I've learned about rekindling love in R's. I told her she needed to ACT. Do things that a person in love or who wanted to fall back in love would do. Love isn't Magic it requires action, especially where it has been damaged. My W tends to believe that love just happens, I tried to explain how specific steps can be taken to rouse those feelings of intimacy, connection and warmth that lay dormant. It was like trying to reason with a brick wall. The fact my W is not excited about working towards feeling that way leads her to believe that she shouldn't,...I still don't understand her reasonings.

Example:

My Perspective

If I wanted to fell closeness between myself and a friend, I would call them more often, spend time with them, do enjoyable activities with them,

My W's Perspective

If she wants to fell close to someone she already should, and if she doesn't feel closeness how or why should she want to spend time with them?? Why would she want to do enjoyable activities with them???

Her logic had me feeling like I was M to a person very detached from reality.

The mere fact she *Wants to feel closeness or She wants to Fall back in love with me, in my HEAD says there's a desire for a goal of intimacy, love, sharing, etc..and that alone can be your motivation, your starting point ...
my W would not accept that sometimes you must do things to initiate your feelings *FIRST. It brought back to my mind how selfish my W has been throughout our M, whether intentionally or unintentionally and how that selfishness really hurt HER more than me. A person who gives is more whole, more full of love, hence more happy. The receiver is never as happy as a happy giver. Many times my W is the reciever, very rarely is she the giver.

Okay so I couldn't influence my W to understand that viewpoint using that example so I used a friend of mine named Abba as an example:

Abba was a good friend of mine (6 years ago) who was very committed to his W. Abba's deep committement to his W was so strong it made me feel inadequate. Abba brought a new SUV and he drove it to work once to show me. It was a nice truck and I joked with Abba about how much fun we could have driving home on snow days. Abba was quick to tell me that he only drove it this particular day to show it to me and that he probably wouldn't be driving the new SUV to work again. I was STUNNED! Why not? Why would you opt to drive the old car?? Abba looked at me like I was from another planet and with much sincerity he said:
"Because my W would be so much safer in the SUV. If she was ever in an accident, with the dual side impact bags, the sturdiness, the bulk of the truck she'd be better protected...."
HUH?
and it didn't stop there. Abba bragged to me about *IRONING his wifes clothes every morning. IRONING YOUR WIFES CLOTHES EVERY MORNING??? I was floored...completely FLABBERGASTED!

I tried to reason with my W that I NOW understood Abba's actions. Abba did those things because they made him feel closer to his W. It may not have been his intention but every morning when he woke up and ironed both his clothes and his wifes clothes he was reinforcing their bond, that feeling of oneness was being strengthened. When Abba brought a new SUV and insisted that his W drive it to work he was also reaffirming that his W was important, admirable, adorable, cherished, precious...YES giving was the key for Abba being in a happy M and being in Love with his W. Like an IDIOT I tried to explain these things to my wife. I tried to express how giving even when you don't necessary feel that deep closeness is the best way to re-establish that deep closeness. LOVE doesn't just happen and it NOT ONLY helps the receiver when you GIVE it HELPS YOU. Abba's W probably didn't feel more loved everytime Abba ironed her clothes, but I bet Abba felt more in love knowing he had a great wife worthy of having her clothes ironed everyday! Abba ironing his W's clothes was a kind gesture that put him in a LOVING frame of mind for the whole day. How can a man who wakes up early every morning and irons his W's clothes then turn around later that same day and have sex with another woman? It would be really hard to go from giving of yourself without expectations to then being selfish and deceitful, Giving of kind acts to your S can serve as a protectant for your M.

My W still didn't get my point, No matter what I said she still felt since she didn't have a desire to perform kind gestures that she couldn't see herself doing them...BLAH!

Okay last try.
I recently QUIT SMOKING. I didn't QUIT SMOKING because I didn't like cigarettes! I didn't quit smoking because I no longer wanted to smoke, or because I suddenly detested cigarrettes! I Quit smoking because I don't want to DIE EARLY. Infact the first week was very difficult, uncomfortable, stressful, unnatural, etc...I HAD A GOAL. I wanted to live longer, I didn't want to leave my W a widow due to catching an AVOIDABLE disease, I didn't want to leave my children due to something I could control. Once again I tried to explain to my W that if her goal is to be in a happy M, to be loved, to feel in loved, to have a rekindling of affections with her H then she might need to do things that support that until doing those things becomes NATURAL. Sometimes we have to do something that is difficult or unnatural or uncomfortable for a WHILE and then it will become more comfortable, more natural, easier, pleasent, enjoyable, rewarding, and apart of ourselves:
My W still couldn't understand


I went to bed feeling like a idiot. I felt like my W no matter what I did was going to be immobile in rebuilding our bond. This is getting real old people...what a rollercoaster.

I hate to see a post with no response ,

Didn't you read the sign , it wasn't buy a ticket to the rollercoster ,,,, It was a braclet that is good for as long as the rides last . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Sorry , had to .

FM,, bag your head against the wall causes damage , and a headach that does not quit ....

WS have to get it on there own ,,, they are like kids touching a stove you tell them they will get burned they do not listen until they GET IT !

They have light bulb moments on there own !

All the great examples in the world do not work ,,it has to come from within ....

HANG ON ,,,, tight ,,,, full steam ahead !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong> They have light bulb moments on there own !

All the great examples in the world do not work ,,it has to come from within ....

HANG ON ,,,, tight ,,,, full steam ahead ! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3isa,
How are you lady???
I haven't seen you around much, I hope all is well. You're right of course and I would have never tried to reason with her if she hadn't opened the door. I have learned my lesson. Trying to hard always makes me more frustrated and disappointed. I must stop trying, thinking, reasoning, hoping and wishing...I need to just be. She will get it on her own..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I hope

FM , yes been here and there going through some head games with myself ,,, real brain twisters ...
Not post on them I am having hard time exspressing ME !


Any way ,,, I was thinking all the thoughts you gave to her you should do that ,and just be .

You know the example of the freind IRONING ,,,,

Well you should do for the love you have for her , FOR YOU ,,,,

DO not tell her all those things just do them ,, you know what they say ,,, we learn by EXAMPLE !

Maybe her light bulb will be day after day watching by example of how happy you are to LOVE HER !

Be well stay strong and true to yourself ...

FM,

Take your kids fishing. This weekend. I demand it. I'm taking mine ice skating for the same reason. Remind yourself that there is a whole lot more to life than your foggy missus' involuntary caprice.

{{{FM}}} and another glass of rose, oh ? Is that REALLY the last glass ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong> FM , yes been here and there going through some head games with myself ,,, real brain twisters ...
Not post on them I am having hard time exspressing ME !


Any way ,,, I was thinking all the thoughts you gave to her you should do that ,and just be .

You know the example of the freind IRONING ,,,,

Well you should do for the love you have for her , FOR YOU ,,,,

DO not tell her all those things just do them ,, you know what they say ,,, we learn by EXAMPLE !

Maybe her light bulb will be day after day watching by example of how happy you are to LOVE HER !

Be well stay strong and true to yourself ... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3isa I'm limiting what I do nowadays. Me doing so much for my W only exasperates the sitch...the feelings of entitlement, frustration start to seep in. I will however be kind, warm, polite and caring, but no gymnastics. It's hard enough to stay civil when your FWS actually believes being home is all that SHOULD be required for love to be replenished in a infidelity poisoned M. REMARKABLE. It's SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!

FM!!!!

Once again, don't know what to sya, friend. Well, that's not completely true...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FWW: "I want you to know it isn't you, it's me..."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whether or not this M of yours works out, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE HER!!!!!!!!

For a few reasons....

1) It is absolutely her! (Duh!)
2) Besides being human (God forbid!) and LB'ing now and again, are you doing everything possible--in your boundaries--to work on your M?
3) I'm going to use this analogy again that my buddy told me: after gaining 100lbs, one doesn't lose it overnight. She has soooo many issues, FM. I would be scared to get inside her head and sort it all out. Issues that, yes, have nothing to do with you. She has certainly sounded these months, clinically depressed. I certainly hope she is doing something about it.

It's not you.

This is sort of like a MC who isn't M how to fix a M, but, hang in there. Be there for her. Sometimes, that's all you need to do--"Be" there. Let her know you are still there. No, your needs aren't being fulfilled. Then again, you can always do what I did: throw your hands up, say "I give up" then go have an A. Do you want that? For you? Let alone your kids and M? Give it a chance. The A was a side-effect. All of these things she is doing/has done are all results from her mental "stability."

I'm not in your shoes. I know, I know: "Walk a mile in my shoes..."

You've walked quite a distance. The souls are wearing thin. But if she's at least seeing an IC and taking care of this depression, give her that much. If not, well....

I hope you did (or something to the effect) of what Bob suggested. Next weekend I'll be taking the "girls" pumpkin pickin'! Can't wait! (Really!) Just a sugestion.

Continued prayers and blessings, FM. Hang in there!

LINY