</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rae03:
<strong>
What's POJA?

Rae </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">POJA is policy of joint agreement. You can read more about it on the "concepts" portion of this website. It does make sense when you think about it...anything that is going to affect you and your H should be discussed and agreed to as a couple.

bump to start the week out.

Wel I'll start it off then.. some honesty...

I never thought that in a million years I’d be here or , well lets face it, commit adultery.
Its an ugly word, hard to face anyone who knows.
I can’t believe how totally insecure I have become. Once I could move a family from state to state, set up and arrange new housing, schools for the kids, sort out the banking and finances , learn the whereabouts of the best shops for bargains in the new area, all those things you do for granted, but all alone, sometimes for months & months , cope with isolation and separation from friends & family… but now I can’t seem to handle the small issues between my H and I let alone the serious ones.
I wonder what has happened to me.?

Up until D day I was this so confident empowered person, so together, proud of my achievements, my children , my marriage, but now, its like I just float from one crisis to another..
I don’t know why he puts up with my crap, but the more considerate he is I seem to want to push him away. I don’t understand that at all unless like Myrta said I feel I don’t deserve him, yes maybe its that.
Now I panic at every side look he gives me, wonder if he is seeing someone or wants to, panic ...
Its frustrating, humiliating, sometimes pathetic.
I hate it, I want to just scream and hate wanting to do that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussieswife:
<strong> Wel I'll start it off then.. some honesty...

I never thought that in a million years I’d be here or , well lets face it, commit adultery.
Its an ugly word, hard to face anyone who knows.
I can’t believe how totally insecure I have become. Once I could move a family from state to state, set up and arrange new housing, schools for the kids, sort out the banking and finances , learn the whereabouts of the best shops for bargains in the new area, all those things you do for granted, but all alone, sometimes for months & months , cope with isolation and separation from friends & family… but now I can’t seem to handle the small issues between my H and I let alone the serious ones.
I wonder what has happened to me.?

Up until D day I was this so confident empowered person, so together, proud of my achievements, my children , my marriage, but now, its like I just float from one crisis to another..
I don’t know why he puts up with my crap, but the more considerate he is I seem to want to push him away. I don’t understand that at all unless like Myrta said I feel I don’t deserve him, yes maybe its that.
Now I panic at every side look he gives me, wonder if he is seeing someone or wants to, panic ...
Its frustrating, humiliating, sometimes pathetic.
I hate it, I want to just scream and hate wanting to do that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is all of those things. You know, my reaction to my As was to have a serious mental health crisis- I was clinically depressed and had severe anxiety (to the point where I thought it would be better just to not go on.) It is horrible... and I think a lot of these types of emotions stem from (1) the loss of the certainty of ourselves as "good" persons...seriously, think about that. Our self-image takes a real battering when we fully come out of our fog and realize what we were capable of doing.... (2) the emotional upheaval in our personal lives- even disregarding the pain/issues with H, the rest of your life IS impacted by dday and that is HARD and of course (3) the serious issues that have to be addressed with H now that Dday has come- the fog has lifted and you are just hoping that your H wants to work through things and work on your marriage....and all along you really feel that perhaps you don't deserve for that to happen b/c of what you did.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The aftermath of an A is excruciating for all involved....but I DO BELIEVE that things can get BETTER! Can you remind me- are you seeing any type of counciler? How about anti-d's? Both things may help you through this time.

Yes we are or should I say were both going to a MC who is also a psychiatrist and seems to believe in much of what MB does.
She is also our IC . She is a little bit disconcerted with his behaviour but has certified him ok for return to Army service. As she so delicately put it to me, if he’s not suicidal then the rules only permit me to send him back suitable for PBI ( I asked about PBI as well it means ‘poor bloody infantry) cannon fodder. Just great.
I see her twice a week and so far have been on no AD’s which she is not keen on. She said she would like me to take St Johns Wort instead, apparently it’s very effective
Aussie stopped going 2 sessions ago and in a way has gone into, well I'd call it withdrawal almost like I had, maybe have a bit still perhaps.

He seems to be living almost a separate life in some ways but he still says nice things to me and compliments me which like I said I can’t figure. But preoccuppied for sure

[QUOTE]Originally posted by aussieswife:

I see her twice a week and so far have been on no AD’s which she is not keen on. She said she would like me to take St Johns Wort instead, apparently it’s very effective.


I hope it works well for you!

Aussie stopped going 2 sessions ago and in a way has gone into, well I'd call it withdrawal almost like I had, maybe have a bit still perhaps.
He seems to be living almost a separate life in some ways but he still says nice things to me and compliments me which like I said I can’t figure. But preoccuppied for sure

It's hard to know what's going on in someone's mind when they won't talk. Hopefully he'll get through this withdrawal stage soon and open up to you. This must be terribly hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think it seems so bad because we were doing so well. Much better than I expected. I suppose my expectatons rose each week.

All I know is that I want my husband back, the man I had before the affair, before the damn war.
Every now & then I see glimpses of him, but then there is this emptiness that I cannot fill for him. Is it me?
Does it ever stop hurting knowing what you have done?

I'm posting a brief bit of my story here- you can learn more on Just found out- WW needs support.

Married 13 years- husband selfish and not involved in our M emotionally. I was lonely and made a big mistake. Both the OM and I have decided it's wrong and that we will not continue in our A.

I have feelings for this person and I have not told my H anything. Fear for the OM as well as fear of what my H might do has kept me from it.
It hurts so much to think I've screwed my life up so much.

Unfortunately, I'll join the club.

AW,

I apologize for barging into this thread as I am not a W or a WW or a FWW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, you said something that triggered two questions, that perhaps the ladies on this thread can address and help you address.

First, what was the timing of your affair with respect to your H's fighting in the war? Was he gone? Was he just home? Had he been wounded? When the A took place and was discovered?

Second question is sort of connected. I know your H has had many "loses" in the last short period. How long was the period of your A, his getting wounded, him being home, the loss of his friend?

I am wondering if some of what you see is NOT caused by the other issues as well. He was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Shock Disorder right? Was that before or after your A?

My point for you all to discuss and consider is the timing of things and events in your lives as well as the issue of other factors in the marriage which hinder the marriage and recovery.

I will leave now. I don't know why but your comments sort of triggered these thoughts. I hope the ladies here can help you.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussieswife:
<strong> I think it seems so bad because we were doing so well. Much better than I expected. I suppose my expectatons rose each week.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's too bad that he stopped posting here....I do think things will get better as time passes, though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussieswife:
<strong>
All I know is that I want my husband back, the man I had before the affair, before the damn war.
Every now & then I see glimpses of him, but then there is this emptiness that I cannot fill for him. Is it me? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm guessing that it is just everything that has become somewhat "unbearable" at the moment and that he needs some time and space to process and come to grips with it all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussieswife:
<strong>
Does it ever stop hurting knowing what you have done? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes and no. I know that I will always regret what I did- and the pain it caused my H. But I dont' feel horrible on a daily basis about it (anymore).

Hi safww i have not posted my story yet, I have been reading here for a long time but just started posting very recently, i am having a little trouble with guilt and forgivness of myself and with God, I have gotten some very good advice on here in the last week or so and have decided to give all my guilt and shame for everything over to God and i'm feeling much better. I've been praying for many here and feel so blessed to be past some of the things that some ww are still dealing with, i just really want to help in any way i can and just let all know that it can get better, love for your spouse can come back and forgivness can be had by all. Take care.

Hi all~

I've not had a chance to read all the posts yet, but I like this idea. I'm a FWW, nearly 18 months into recovery. I also have an OC.

I have a soft spot in my heart for newbie WW/FWW's and would like to help in any way I can.

However, since it's a constant learning process, I too need help from time to time. Don't know if I'll ever reach the pinnacle of R--not sure if there is one? I think my H and I are being successful, but to say we are successful, might would be flirting with complacency, you know? Well a little food for thought, anyway.

WAT, if you're checking in on this thread again...statements like this mean so very much to me, and the reason I like visiting over here at GQ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> : </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've stated many, many times on this forum how valuable it is to have WSs and former WSs participate here. It is a learning experience and a full perspective is needed for the benefit of all interested in recovering their marriages and finding the good within them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~autumnday

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Hi giys!....Change of pace...Am I allowed to say this---my H is on my nerves tonight. I don't think I like him today!! He had a bad day at work..he's barked at me a couple of times
Question----

Yes, I'm commited to my marriage. Yes, I love my H. BUT, when he's an a**, my mind thinks, this is part of the reason I had an a..I know, I shouldn't blame him. Do any FWW know what I mean? ( plus, I'm having a hard time typing my thoughts). Will these thoughts go away? When my H is an a** again, I'd like not to think of the A and OM. It hasn't been a long time with NC, so maybe I'm still depressed...Any thoughts??

Hi Jet, I think thats pretty normal for you to feel that way, but don't let the bad times with your husband send you back with thoughts of om, try and do something good for yourself when things are rough, like go shopping, take a hot bath,anything but don't start dwelling on om because it will make you even madder at your husband and you will become distant with what if thoughts. I'll be praying for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JEC47:
<strong> Hi safww i have not posted my story yet, I have been reading here for a long time but just started posting very recently, i am having a little trouble with guilt and forgivness of myself and with God, I have gotten some very good advice on here in the last week or so and have decided to give all my guilt and shame for everything over to God and i'm feeling much better. I've been praying for many here and feel so blessed to be past some of the things that some ww are still dealing with, i just really want to help in any way i can and just let all know that it can get better, love for your spouse can come back and forgivness can be had by all. Take care. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so glad that you are feeling better!!! Share your story when you can- but no pressure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by autumnday:
<strong> Hi all~

I've not had a chance to read all the posts yet, but I like this idea. I'm a FWW, nearly 18 months into recovery. I also have an OC.

~autumnday </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Autumnday- it's always great to hear success stories...is your story posted somewhere here?
As you can see from my signature line my A's- and my dday were quite some time ago. However, as JL put it our marriage recovery was by default- we never addressed any of the issues, and our relationship until the last few months has been steadily deteriorating for a number of reasons.
I only really feel that we are NOW recovering as I apply some of the MB (and JL) principles to my marriage! Thanks for coming over!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
<strong> Hi giys!....Change of pace...Am I allowed to say this---my H is on my nerves tonight. I don't think I like him today!! He had a bad day at work..he's barked at me a couple of times
Question----

Yes, I'm commited to my marriage. Yes, I love my H. BUT, when he's an a**, my mind thinks, this is part of the reason I had an a..I know, I shouldn't blame him. Do any FWW know what I mean? ( plus, I'm having a hard time typing my thoughts). Will these thoughts go away? When my H is an a** again, I'd like not to think of the A and OM. It hasn't been a long time with NC, so maybe I'm still depressed...Any thoughts?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep you're allowed to say that your H gets on your nerves. I'd guess that everyone's spouse does on a regular basis <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jet - I think that minor annoyances are a part of human nature. What leaves us open for an A, however, is when we have important EN's that aren't being met in our marriage. Have you figured out what you were missing from your H (not pointing fingers here- just wondering if you have isolated what is missing from your M so that it is something that can be addressed.)

I forget- have you had dday yet? I know you are in NC which is a GOOD thing!

Sadfww~

Thank you for the welcome.

I don't think there's a place where I wrote out my story, but it definitely unfolded over time on P/C. If you look back to the time of my registering through the time of confessing to my H in early 5/03, you will get the picture. I'd be happy to share the gist of it here though, if you'd like.

Jet~

It's normal, but it can be remedied. I used to do as you describe, and I call it "running". As in, H's being an a$$, I don't want/don't know how to handle it, so I'll run to some "happy" thoughts--"happy" thoughts of x-om, who wasn't an a$$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What I learned though, (thank God), is that mentality is exactly what put me in the position to commit adultery in the first place. So, how to deal? How to do things differently than pre-A? First, you need to communicate with your H. Ask him what has him so upset. Ask about his day. Ask if there's anything you can do to help him feel better. If he doesn't want to talk at the moment, then leave it be. Bottom line though, is to let him know you care about him on grumpy days as well as good days. I'm not saying to ignore your own yucky feelings when he's being an a$$, because I also believe you need to communicate that to him as well. It's just that when we first address what's bugging our H's, I believe it sets a good foundation for us to be able to express our hurt in a non LBer way.

It didn't take long for my H and I, where all we had to do, was say to whomever was being the a$$, "hey, you are majorly LB'g"!!!!!! Jet, it does get better, but you need to start talking, and moreso, you need to listen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope everyone is well today!

AutumnDay,

Sorry to threadjack, but I have a question.

After OC was born, did you offer to have other children for/with your husband?

That was a big hurt in my first matriage.

RAG~

No, I didn't. We're an "older" couple, and although we are still able to have more, it's not something either of us want.

I did however, offer to give the baby up for adoption. By the time I confessed, abortion wasn't a viable option. I did consider abortion before confessing, but something told me if my H ever found out, he would be more angry about that than the A/OC. I was right, because later when I told my H about considering abortion, he actually said, "now that is something I don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive".