I'm in a little bit of a spot since all this began:

I am a FWH, and my BS is very very distraught, angry, and upset with me over my multiple PA's...see my previous posts for copies of emails/phone convos, and my "Compleat Story" and you'll see what I mean...

She is also a WW in more of an EA than I ever was, and for reasons mostly unrelated to my A's. I've been trying to Plan A her for a month now with mixed success...
1 week ago I was in her bed, today she is 2,000 miles away with OM and in NC with me.

If I have one solemn wish, it would be this:
To show her SH's principles and the MB website so she can see that there is hope for both of us.

But I don't think I can do that...not yet.

She's noticed my Plan A, and has actually questioned it: "how can you hang around and be sweet knowing that I'm involved with OM?" She doesn't understand that it's not a ploy to get her back.

She seems to think that very negative reactions and emotions are the way to deal with this - partly because she gets some of her advice from a different BBS, the iVillage "Betrayed Spouses Support" board which is FULL of negativity and a complete lack of hope and nothing but various BW's going on about what "a-holes" their WH's are.

I would love to show my BS/WW this website, Dr. Harley's book & principles, etc...

But...I have been posting here for a long time and fear that if I showed this site to her she would think:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">None of my actions/reactions have been sincere, they've all been dictated by this board</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My posts were unacceptable displays of our private convos and emails (I COULD edit them, but they've been quoted in others' responses so that wouldn't help)</font></li>

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So my question:

How can I relate some of these principles and the tenets of Plan A to her without divulging my source just yet?
This site has helped me immensely in terms of calming down, doing the right thing, and learning how to deal with myself and with her.
I wish I could help her learn the same.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How can I relate some of these principles and the tenets of Plan A to her without divulging my source just yet?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Share "Surviving An Affair" with her.

If you don't want her thinking that your "Plan A" stuff is just a temporary band-aid to win get past the A, then perhaps share "His Needs, Her Needs" or "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" with her and tell her your change is due to realizing what a marriage *should* be like, for always.

I don't think you should share any of this just yet, however. If she's still involved with OM she's not ready to hear what Harley has to say. I could be wrong though.

Decide if you want a M with or without radical honesty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> Decide if you want a M with or without radical honesty. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...I do want that...

But I'm also thinking that it may be too early in the game for my BS/WW to see this site, to read Dr. Harley's books.
She's still in a very distraught state, it's been a little over 2 months since D-Day and only 1 month since Plan A Day, only a few weeks since Radical Honesty Day (which I think is the more important one to her).

So I'm trying to find a way to communicate these concepts to her without actually showing her the website/books, and without making it seem like I'm trying to coerce her. Pressure is what put me in my present position, that of being in NC with her for the time being. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Eventually, when/if she decides that we should start rebuilding our M, and she has dumped her OM, then I will show her the site.

I guess the logical answer is "lead by example," something that Katie Cotson's book on "Gaining Respect After Your Affair" gets into.
I'm hoping that it's working well enough, I just don't want her to go so far off the deep end she never comes back.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

I'm hoping that it's working well enough, I just don't want her to go so far off the deep end she never comes back.

Vnus, of this you have absolutely no control. Once this lesson is learned, your life will change. And I mean change in every way.

You can only control yourself, and by your actions an the life YOU lead, indirectly influence the other people in your life.

Once you get this, you've pretty much got it all.


Weaver

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> I'm hoping that it's working well enough, I just don't want her to go so far off the deep end she never comes back.

Vnus, of this you have absolutely no control. Once this lesson is learned, your life will change. And I mean change in every way.

You can only control yourself, and by your actions an the life YOU lead, indirectly influence the other people in your life.

Once you get this, you've pretty much got it all.


Weaver </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, Weaver, I do understand this...
I guess say these things what I really mean is "I HOPE she does this, and I WISH she wouldn't do that..."

But yes...I have no control over whether or not she actually does.

I have to trust her to be a smart girl and figure things out on her own.

She even said to me - "I will not make a decision that I think is bad for me," and "maybe somewhere down the road we can work it out," and "OM doesn't mean my ability to watch you grow and change will be biased."

And I believe her when she says those things.
So in a way, I should take heart that not only can I not control HER actions, but also from the fact that she's given me some morsels of hope and is saying "give me time and space and I'll do the right thing for both of us someday."

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

VM you can ask the admin to remove your posts. I don't know if they can store them or anything. You know like in a locked thread but they can definitely remove them.

C.

VM now is not the time for trying to 'educate' your WW. When she finally decides to live with you again, you can leave some of the Harley books lying around in plain sight of her field of vision. Hopefully she will pick them up and start reading them and become interested enough to start applying the MB principles. In the meantime, you can show your WW those principles by making them an integral part of your life. Remember patience and understanding are key to your love surviving Plan A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> VM now is not the time for trying to 'educate' your WW. When she finally decides to live with you again, you can leave some of the Harley books lying around in plain sight of her field of vision. Hopefully she will pick them up and start reading them and become interested enough to start applying the MB principles. In the meantime, you can show your WW those principles by making them an integral part of your life. Remember patience and understanding are key to your love surviving Plan A. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks again, TMCM, always a lifesaver for me...

Yes...I think I answered my own question, in a way, at the very end of a previous post:

I guess the logical answer is "lead by example"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Vnus,

There is a lot of hope for you and your WW. I'm no expert but I get the very strong feeling that she is still in love with you, just very confused.

Try and take care this weekend.

And now I am going to drag myself off of this board and go have some fun. My DD is now with her dad for the weekend, so I get to get out of the house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> Vnus,

There is a lot of hope for you and your WW. I'm no expert but I get the very strong feeling that she is still in love with you, just very confused.

Try and take care this weekend.

And now I am going to drag myself off of this board and go have some fun. My DD is now with her dad for the weekend, so I get to get out of the house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the vote of confidence, Weaver.

A big part of me agrees with you, and believes that is true.

But it's so hard to remember when I'm being screamed at in person or email (re: the email in the other thread re: "In pseudo-Plan B with BS/WW") and she's flying off to the East Coast to see OM.
Very, very, very hard to remember.

But...
I'm coming to terms with the fact that all my obsessing over HER thoughts/feelings, over OM, over trying to win her back...

Is also a way of avoiding WORKING ON ME.

And she called me to the mat in that email in the other thread - "you're so self-centered all you can do is try to get me back, it would be a big blow to your ego to lose your wife, wouldn't it?"

Basically, by being clingy/needy/possessive, I was only proving her worst fears were true.

So - if I can solve my internal issues, I think she'll have no choice but to come around, if she's willing to wait that long. She says she's not, but I think her heart thinks otherwise.

NOW...I also need to drag myself off this board and try to have a fun-filled weekend WITH MYSELF!!! I rented a bunch of great DVDs, I'm going to go check out some friends' bands at local clubs, I've got lots of work to catch up on (since all I've been doing all day this week is posting here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )...

On track...keeping on track...

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>