I didn't want to threadjack so here is what you wrote on Cymanca's thread:

I do allow myself to enjoy what our marriage does offer. It does not and can not offer what it once did, unfortunately. I am basically a happy person..I both like and love my H..we are so very well matched in so very many ways.

It's a knife in my gut though. I'll look down and notice amidst our recovered life together and think "aren't you going to take this thing out ever?" and realize he can't . Love to. Can't. Triggers just give it a little twist..oh, say..every day. Trust and integrity are deeply important to me. I find it both difficult and unpleasant to go through life bound to someone with whom I can have neither .

I am all in favor of marriage building..but I do think that a BS considering recovery would do well to give some serious thought to what the future holds..the sacrifice isn't over when the affair is..or when the marriage recovers..it is ongoing. You have to be willing to make it every day. This is a heavy weight to carry, not everyone wants to..not everyone should. Choose as wisely as possible with the information at hand I suppose..and batten down the hatches..it going to be a bumpy ride.

Noodle

You have, as usual, so clearly articulated what I feel every day now. I still love my husband, but I feel as you do - the minute he joined himself with another was the minute our marriage ended. But....we have children and as a mother I find it totally repulsive that I would have to be the one to make the decision to physically end the marriage and thus, take away their father. It all makes me sick and I wonder if I will ever feel the same way about him again. And I know the answer to that is probably no (not a good MBer) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

An affair is a crime - not a love story <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I wish that society valued the people here that work so hard to save a marriage that was crushed by infidelity more than those that do it. It always seems as though they excuse this monstrous evil as a simple mistake or a love affair that could not be helped. Why is that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My marriage was not perfect, but it was good. When my H was fully engaged in the marriage - it was even great. If anyone derailed the marriage before this - it was him. Like you said in another post, I never set clear boundaries - I thought the marriage vows set the important ones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So many times I asked him what was wrong and he refused to tell me. I knew something was wrong, but it was he that decided that it was not important enough to work on. I gave up everything that was important to ME because he wanted me to, he demanded that I do it with his behaviour anytime I would do something he didn't like - he made it miserable for me to continue. And it was stupid stuff - it certainly was not finding other men or neglecting him in any way. He is like the child that gets everything he wants then he moves on to something else more exciting and new. That is exactly what his affair is about - his needs were met by me, at least the ones he told me about. If he had some that were not being met - he never shared them. And to this day he claims that his OW met none of his needs. WTF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />