weaver,

First, sorry for my long posts. Thank you for your insight, and you are probably right. A lot of people, some here on MB, and my family memebers have been telling me the same thing. My sister is adament about it "Your W is just not worth it, you can do better, she is never going to change, get custody....etc."

Before she dumped us off at my mom's, when my WW told me that either I go, or she would go, I told her that she is always finicky with her love. That she has done this to me in the past, and that I want the kids, so that I can have a chance to raise them while she "does her thing", so to speak. She looked down for about five seconds and then looked at me and said "okay".

She agreed then to sign over full custody, and I mentioned a legal seperation, so that I wouldn't be held accountable for any debts, or anything else she might do while having her A (before she and the OM were raided by the cops). She keeps coming up with excuses to not make herself available. She is currently unaware of the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act.

My family said they would help me get a lawyer, now they aren't it seems. It's hard for me to trust people, because of my WW's multiple A's, my family saying one thing, doing the other, etc. So now my WW has a roommate paying half the bills, and she is in a better position to get a lawyer. She always seems to get away with her actions, while I, who has never been in trouble with the law, not even a ticket, can't even get a break.

So I have been brushing up on laws, in case I have to represent myself. This is what I have going for me:

Can prove multiple A's.

She forged her sister's name on a check and cashed it, but paid resitution and it was not put on her record (but it was in the newspaper).

Partying in front of the children.

Flaunting OM in front of them, a week after she moved us out.

Willingly dumping us off at my mom's.

Creating a situation where I became financially dependant on her, then she dumps us off. She violated an agreement that I had two weeks to get everything in order, and put in applications in an attempt to line up a job. My son has missed 3 weeks of headstart, due to WW's impatience to indulge in the A.

The raid on the house, in which the OM's probation officer found a wheelbarrow full of beer bottles (violation!), then the MJ plants, and of course he failed his urnalysis. They found MJ leaves pressed in BIL's bible (off all places), jars of MJ seeds, and as few other items.

WW signed a false statement that MJ plants were mine. Ludicrous, considering that OM told me weeks ago he was involved in MJ growing, and drugs like cocaine (couldn't do anything at the time, hearsay). Ludicrous, because I didn't want WW to have an A, have the OM move in and sleep in MY bed, and that I didn't want to have to move out. I had to explain to the rude cop on the phone that if my wife is having an A with the OM he was arresting, how and why would I have anything like that there? And I had to remind him that I have NO CONTROL over what goes on in that house now. So I have to take steps to deal with this false statement, but the cops may have bungled the investigation.

WW keeps having people over to drink beer while she is supposed to be spending time with the kids. Her older sister with her OM (who of course supports, enables, and ENCOURAGES the A), my WW's roommate who is with an underage girl (I'm still trying to get her parents phone #), and a degenerate woman, who got busted a year ago for MJ plants (wow, what a coincidence), who cheats on her boyfriend, whose son is on multiple medications (due to how he was raised) and has punched my 3 yo son and hit him with objects. My WW has had the children overnight twice, and this same crowd of degenerates are there everytime.

My daughter is suffering from stomache aches, told me she felt sick when WW kissed OM in fornt of her. OM slept in same bed as kids and WW.

Now, given all of these things, NY may assume jurisdiction, but there is no guarantee that they will. My WW would get served papers anyway, and if NY decided not to assume jurisdiction, then it goes to PA, 2 1/2 hours away, while there is that false statement signed against me. I have to call the state troopers today, and find out what is going on (if they'll even tell me).

I have been doing my homework, and contacting free consultation lawyers. But I still love my WW for some odd reason...I can't help it, it is what I feel deep down. She is sick, and needs help. She was not always like this. My relationship with God is always strained, but I try as hard as I can to do the right things. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. My logical and rational side (which is infected by feelings of vengeance because of all of this), wrestles every minute of each day with the half of me that loves her.

I know that she may never change, and continue on her self-destructive path until she is all used up, and no one will want her, or something bad happens to her, like JAIL, or bad health.

I know that I could probably meet someone who has more in common with me, better morals, ethics and convictions, doesn't smoke cigarettes, treats me good and desires to fill up my $LB and meet my EN, who deserves me to return the same to her,and may even be more attractive than my WW, and who would love and care for my children.

The thought of the latter though...makes me feel scared, ill, and hopeful all at the same time. My social life vanished while with my WW. Her actions have cause me mental and emotional distress. I developed a slight form of agoraphobia due to her actions, though I have been going out and doing what I have to be doing (kids and school, lokoing for a job, etc.) in an effort to get over it.

So I am focusing on my children, and finding myself again, the man I was before my WW's first A. But I cannot help but think of her constantly, or surf MB for the answers to my dilemma. Sorry that my posts are so long, btw. I have been looking at some of my posts, and it seems that I could write a book, lol. Having a million thoughts and feelings running through me every minute, probably has something to do with that. I hope everyone on here isn't like "Oh man...this guy has another multi-paragraph post! grrrr..."

I thank everyone for thier help and insight.

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: Dimmu ]</small>

Dimmu,

No need to apologize for your long posts. If you've got all that inside of you then you need to get it out. It helps others to know where to offer support, also.

As far as not being able to trust, yes this is a hard one and part of realizing that others are only human too. The only person you really need to trust is yourself. If you can do that and gather strength from God, then you will be able to get through this and come out a much better happier person.

I only really trust myself, and the love I have for God and other people, and this sustains me and keeps me safe. I trust the love I have for my daughter to get us (her and me) through anything, and it has.

You cannot make yourself stop loving someone, love is a force all it's own. You cannot go around it, you must go through it and of this you really have no choice. And you don't have to stop loving her, but you do have to accept that she is loving and giving all that she is capable of, and this maybe all she ever can give. You also must accept that you are the only person capable of providing a life for you kids and yourself which is stable, safe and happy.

You can put your love and sadness for her on a back burner while you "do what needs to be done for the children".

Most people who have kids have given up the social life they had before kids. I virtually have no adult social life while my daughter is here and that is a choice I made when I had her. My social life now exists pretty much only in things that involve her.

I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts -

You are not alone!

weaver,

Thank you for your kind words,thoughts and prayers. I find it so hard to pray these days. I also find it difficult to trust even myself right now. I know all of these things about my WW, yet I continue to try and save my marriage. I cannot get a grip on my emotions, and control them like I feel I should be able to do. I have tried so hard to put my thoughts and feelings about my WW on the backburner, but she is there, in my thoughts and dreams. Loving her, and despising her at the same time, tearing me apart. I keep wanting to show her this website, but she is so deep in fog, that she'll just scoff at it (like she did when I showed her some stuff I printed up from the site).

I do often wonder if God is helping me, even though I do not feel as spiritual as I used to feel. I knew that the OM's license was revoked, I knew he was on probation, I knew he was into drugs and would fail urinalysis, and I knew that my WW let him dive the van to our house everyday after work (where they met). I thought, day in and day out, about calling the police anonomously, giving them thier route and license plate number, and getting him busted. The desire to do so was consuming me. Then, a friend from PA called and told me that he heard on the scanner that my WW's house was raided, and OM was in cuffs!!! I felt great joy for his arrest, but saddness for my W. Maybe God intervened so that I didn't have to? Am I a bad person, for wanting harm to befall the shady, criminal OM who has manipulated my W into destroying my family? I couldn't get her to compromise or negotiate on anything in our M, even before the first A. She is very bullheaded (her dad's word for her), stubborn, and self-centered. Before she moved us out, the OM had sex with someone else, and was looking for apartments, so that he could presumably move out. My sister thinks he did those things to "rush her along with getting rid of me". Why is she doing everything for him? She is visiting him in jail once a week! I gave her two beautiful children, and have been raising them, taking care of them, feeding them , getting them off to school, and she throws it all away for this *enter your own series of expletives here*!!! She knows I am in a constant state of torture and turmoil, and she doesn't care, even though she occasionally says she feels bad for what I am going through. But then she signs a false statement against the man who truly loves her and gave her children, in order to protect her and the OM (which was kind of stupid...without the MJ plants, he still violated probation, with the beer bottles, etc.).

Part of me wants to scrap Plan A, go right to a permanent Plan B. I can't even Plan A right, given the circumstances. She is 2 1/2 hours away. Fog is so thick, you can cut it with a knife (I think that its too thick to even do that). She has no shame about this A, and she pretty much told everyone that she was leaving me for OM. I bet everyone at her job knows. She has basically told everyone, including the kids, that she is going to have this A because it makes her happy. She admits that she is selfish. She is so irritable with me half of the time, that its hard to talk to her. If she says something to me, and I say "What?" because maybe I didn't hear everything she said, she flies off of the handle.

My sister basically tells me to shove Plan A, even though she hasn't seen this site, and won't listen to what I have to say about it. She thinks that I can become a better man, like who I was before the first A my WW had, without practice. I don't think so. I am afraid of repeating some of the same mistakes from my M, either with my W, or in a future relationship.

Its a relief that people don't mind my long posts...I always intend on asking a question, giving an answer, or just posting a thought or two. But my thoughts and feelings cause me to pour everything out. My WW told me that one of my "annoying habits" was to digress...I guess I need to work on that.

I just don't know...

I don't think I can do it. I know it has only been a few weeks, but the fact the she signed that false statement...its the last nail in the coffin. I think that the M is dead. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. She would rather see me get in trouble for her and OM's own misdeeds. The man her loves her, the OM certaintly doesn't. The man who gave her children. From what she has said, sounds like the OM can't do that, either. I have asked her what I have done that was so terribly horrible, that she decided to do that to me and the kids...

I checked on the situation today, and it sounds like the state boys want to "have me come down to straighten this out". I don't like the sopund of that...I didn't even do anything! Can't they see that? Its ludicrous beyond measure...

I contacted a couple of attornies, and have an appointment with one tomorrow. The process to protect the kids and myself has begun...if only I could turn back time, maybe, just maybe I could fix my M, but I don't think its possible. My WW obviously needs far too much help that she is ever going to be willing to recieve. If she is capable of doing what she has already done, then what else is she capable of?

Maybe this is just how I feel at the moment, the love her one minute, almost hate her the next thing. I don't know. But logic and reason are starting to overpower emotion, which is probably a good thing right now.

I will still be here on MB though, regardless of what happens.

I went to the library with my kids today. They didn't have any of Dr. Harley's books, but they are going to attempt to order them for me. This was right before coming home, and getting back on MB. So part of me is still compelled to save this M. I am a walking paradox, aren't I?

I am a walking paradox, aren't I?

You and everyone else on this board. No make that everyone else in the world <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let us know how the appt with lawyer goes, ok?


I have to get after my DD about practicing that guitar she absolutely was going to die without <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />


Later...

I will definitely let everyone know what the lawyer has to say (well, about some things, he was quite serious when he said "Don't talk to anyone about this situation, unless it is me or one of my associates!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). The one I see tomorrow doesn't handle separations, or divorces. I still don't know if I want to do that, but a legal separation is a must.

I just had an unpleasant phone conversation with her, while in the middle of typing this post.
She admits lack of shame (she told me that everyone at her job knows about the A, and she doesn't care), told me that when we tried to reconcile, she really didn't love me, and that was a mistake, etc. And she finally admitted to intercourse with OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Still swears nothing happened before she made me move out. Plan A was out the window during this call. I cried, was angry, definitely LB'd, she called me names, was yelling... These things will probably lead to divorce. And she'll never file, she'll go on married, doing what she is doing, I'll have to do it. I don't believe its fog this time. She said if she goes from one OM to the other, until no one wants her anymore, than so be it. This isn't my W anymore. I don't who she is anymore. I think she is right. The woman I married is gone. So sad... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to get after my DD about practicing that guitar she absolutely was going to die without </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I play some electric guitar. It is theraputic for me. I bet after a few practices, she'll start to really get into it. I had a hard time at first, but after that, it is one of my more enjoyable hobbies.

Take care, and good luck getting your DD to play that guitar!

I woke up, after five hours of sleep again, thinking about her, and feeling nauseous, unable to get back to sleep.

This is really starting to wear me down. It feels like my soul is writhing inside me. My head feels like its on the brink of a headache, but no headache comes. I have been depressed before this, and this feels like something worse than mere depression. At least I am eating better than during the first few weeks (lost like 15lbs or so then).

The loving side of me, and the side she helped to create with all of her evilness is pulling in both directions. Can I repair this? It doesn't feel like it. I see her for a moment, and almost forget what is going on...when I watched the movie, sitting right next to her, my arm on her leg, my hand on her knee...it was almost like nothing happened, and we were still together...then she left, and the pain comes back, full force. My mind gets flooded with the dark memories of what she is doing...

Everyone is right, she doesn't deserve my love. The only connection between she and I should be the kids, nothing more after all she has done, so why do I still break down and cry randomly? Why do I still think, during some minutes of the day and night, that I would take her back after all of this, but other times, say "NO WAY!" I have made my decision to legally separate, and can only assume divorce is on the horizon.

She is unrepentant. She WILL do this again. EN met or not, LB$ filled or withdrawn, it doesn't matter. She doesn't know what she wants. She has a hole in her soul, that drains happiness constantly, so she only has it for a moment, then it is gone. Then she'll leave the OM, or he'll leave her, and she'll do it again, and again, and again... Because, she doesn't know what she needs to be happy. She practically admits this to me.

At least I have this...of the 13+ relationships before me, some lasting 2 years or more, and the 13-30+ more R's she'll probably have...she married me. No one else before me married her. I am the only one she married, and she stayed with me longer (7 years), than with anyone else, before her first A, and until this A. I am the only one who was able to give her children. These things have to mean something, don't they?

I don't know...I just don't know anymore.

{{{{{{Dimmu}}}}}

I so feel for you! And don't quit writing your long posts...I love reading them. Do you journal? It really helps me to journal all my feelings every day. Whenever I'm feeling a strong emotion, I journal about it. It helps a lot. And are you on antidepressants? I was already on ADs before D-day and then dr. put me on an additional one after d-day for a few months to get me through the toughest of this. I would recommend talking to your dr. about it.

While reading your posts about wondering if you could ever trust someone again, etc., I got to thinking. I think the perfect subsequent M would be a FBW and a FBH. Of course, after everything had been done to try and save the original M. I mean, who would better understand what the person had been through and all the trust issues?

SufferingW,

Thank you, and I am so sorry that you, and so many others, have gone through the agony of it all. Its hard for me, not only because of my pain from all of the betrayals I suffered from because of my WW, but also knowing that countless others are going through the same thing. Its a terrible thing, that I would never, ever, wish on anyone.

I'm sure that most of my posts will end up being long...not by choice...its just that I have so much to say it seems. It was always hard to talk to others about it. But here, everyone can relate to each other, and it makes it so much easier to get my thoughts and feelings out.

I do keep a journal, but I admit that when I am really down, I have a hard time writing in it. Especially if I am recording events having to do with my situation. I just hope that one day, I can read my journal entries without feeling sad. I was happy once, for what seems a long time ago. I hope that I can one day feel happy again. Everyone says that I will, and I am trying so hard to believe them.

I'm not on anti-depressents, due to my financial/medical insurance situation. When my WW dumped us off in NY, we lost our coverage, but she still has it. Oh the irony... I can probably get free coverage for the kids though, there are programs. I haven't heard back about some jobs I have applied for either. Sometimes, it feels like I just can't get a break from the bleakness of it all. I'm sure something will come through, though. I am in a small town right now, so thats part of the problem. That and working out the sitter situation for the kids. My WW seems to be oblivious to the chaos.

About subsequent M, I too have wondered if an ideal M would be between two BS's that tried to save their original M. IMO, they would best understand about meeting EN, avoiding LB, and the dynamics of the Love Bank. Two BS would utterly understand the pain, that each other has experienced. It makes perfect sense, that a strong, solid foundation for marriage could be built upon from such circumstances. Trust for me, would be much stronger, than if a BS was to form a R with one who hadn't experienced the devastation of an A. It would always be lurking in my psyche..."Will this person cheat on me?"

Indeed, that is something to ponder on.

I spoke with several attornies today, one in person, a few on the phone. Got some good, some bad news (one wants $15,000!!! OUCH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). No one knows for sure what is going on, until I hire someone to look into it. Will probably hire one tomorrow. I have been advised by most of them to cease speaking with WW, unless it concerns the kids.

First the A, and now this...I think that it is safe to say, that I am giving up on reconciliation. For my WW to do what she did...to sign a false statement, in order to "get away with it", is too much. She cares more about the OM and herself, not her H and father of her children.

I'm going to my sis's house, so the kids can see thier cousins. I'll check back later. I hope everyone is doing alright.

$15,000. YEEEEEEEKS!

Well you sound so much better today. I bet going to see and calling atty's made you feel a little bit empowered. Like you do have some control.

Good for you!

On the guitar thing, what I ended up doing was going through her lessons and practicing myself. I told her if I was going to pay for lessons then one of us was going to learn it, by golly. I told her after every lesson she was going to have to show/tell me everything the teacher said, so I could practice it all week. Well that got her going, she whined and whined that is was her turn and to give it back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do I know my DD or what?

I did feel some empowerment, talking to all the atty's, and finding out what options and potential outcomes are. I also felt slightly nervous. I shouldn't have to borrow money, to defend myself against my WW and OM's crimes. It doesn't make any sense. I am also worried about hiring the right or wrong atty. I have never had to deal with this situation before. In a sad way, I almost wish that my WW and I didn't get back together after her first A. I may have not been able to control my instincts back then (didn't know of MB at the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ), but I stayed with her through all of the negativity. And now she is trying to stick it to me.

The real feeling of empowerment, is to take the cake out of her mouth. I am letting go. My decision. She'll find out someday, that I will not be there for her to fall back on.

And to think...I was looking up laws and lawyers for her, before finding out about the statement. I wonder if she feels any guilt for that? Probably not. Fog is far too thick.

Its so messed up...she was so sweet, so kind, so loving in the beginning. Now she is the opposite. Bitter, mean, hateful...I used to call her my "Light Bringer", but now she has brought me nothing but darkness. Except for the children. She let me have them to raise. Maybe that was her "last gift of light", before this false statement business... My family has already said, if anything happens to me because of the it, they'll fight for custody. No one wants to see them with the WW's family, let alone my WW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> On the guitar thing, what I ended up doing was going through her lessons and practicing myself. I told her if I was going to pay for lessons then one of us was going to learn it, by golly. I told her after every lesson she was going to have to show/tell me everything the teacher said, so I could practice it all week. Well that got her going, she whined and whined that is was her turn and to give it back

Do I know my DD or what?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats great! I bet that both of you have a lot of fun with it. Today was the first day in weeks, that I haven't played (too busy today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ), so I'll have to play twice as long as usual tomorrow.

Just because a lawyer quotes you a huge amount, does not mean that it will cost that much.
Many times, after hearing the basics, a lawyer will quote you an outrageous amount, just because they don't want to take the case.

After reviewing the atty's I spoke with, I finally settled on one, and will be sending the retainer tomorrow ($2500, much cheaper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). He is a lawyer who deals with cases like this. Out of all the lawyers I spoke with, he sounded the most concerned. He said that WW is the worst person to speak to at all right now, because she is trying to pin it on me. I just cannot get over how ludicrous it is. We need some law reform in this country. Its getting crazy.

$15,000 dollars is a bit much, though one of the atty's I spoke with said that lawyer was pretty good, and the firm he works for is well known. But I have confidence and faith in the one I chose.

I am not doing so well today...

Yesterday, I was convinced that the M was dead, divorce on the horizon, I even felt ggod about it...or so I thought.

I WW at work the other day, before atty's told me not to speak to her anymore. The conversation got heated, and she hung up on me. Later that day, she called me, and told me that I can't call her there anymore, because her boss saw her "visibly upset and distraught". Like I'm not upset or distraught by her horrible actions. He said that I wouldn not be allowed to call there ever again, if she was upset after each call.

I asked her if her boss and coworkers knew of the affair. She said her boss knew, as did a lot of her coworkers.

So today...I wake up from dreams of my WW. I can't get back to sleep because I was think about her, OM, the statement, everything. So I decide to call her boss. I apologized for any disruptions I may have caused, acknowledged what he had said to my WW, and asked if he knew about the affair between WW and OM. He said he did, and he had figured it out on his own, based on thier actions. He told me he had talked to them about it, and asked them "if they knew what they were doing", and they replied "yes, we do know what we are doing", and he claims he reminded them that there was a third person involved-me.

I was trying to compose myself and keep cool, but I started crying. I couldn't help it. I felt embarrassed. He said he knew what I was going through, for he went through it himself. He said I can call on her breaks, and can call other times if its an emergency. He said he would talk to her a little bit, and do what he could to keep them separated, if he gets out of jail. But, there would be times that they would have to be near each other.

I asked if OM still had a job, and he said yes. I asked, how long before he would have to hire someone else to fill the position if OM was still in jail. He replied "Probably until the end of the month". He explained that OM's job was important, and would need to be filled. They have no rotators or extra employees...just what they need, to fill each position.

So here I am, missing her again, and still loving her. I can't stand it...I know she doesn't deserve my love, and that its nearly impossible to make her happy, and that she'll just do this again if we get back together...

I'm so lost in my mixed up emotions today, and, as a man who doesn't cry too much....I sure am getting sick of these tears. Yesterday felt good, except for the nervousness, but today, so far, is miserable.

I still can't get on anti-depressants, and my family is getting sick of seeing me like this. They just can't understand what I'm going through. They say "She cheated on you twice! She tried getting you thrown in jail for her and OM's bullsh1t! She dumped you and the kids off! She obviously doesn't care about the kids! She's a skank! A slut! A b1tch! She's socially retarded! What is the matter with you!?!?!?!? I would have given up a long time ago! We HATE your W!!!!"

How can I deal with this? I just can't figure it out on my own. I have dealt with countless complicated and complex situations before, but not this...I just can't do it.

I'm sorry, I just needed to say what is going on. I know that some of you are probably feeling worse than me right now. I wish that none of us had to feel the way we do. For me, it feels like I am perpetually dying inside.

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: Dimmu ]</small>

((((Dimmu))))

Thought you needed hugs again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please try and see if there are any programs or anything that could assist you in getting anti-depressants. Try churches, clinics, whatever...even possibly the county hospital. I'm not sure what the possibilities would be, but see what's available in your area. Most doctors have samples they get from the drug companies, so if you can at least get into a doctor somewhere, somehow, then you could probably at least get started with some samples. My dr gave me about 3 weeks' worth of Zoloft to try out.

Friends and family will never totally understand why we put up with what we do with our WS. My gut tells me to leave my WH and leave fast. In fact, I always told my WH that's what I would do if he ever did this. And I really thought I would. Even my heart sometimes tells me the same thing. But my MIND, when thinking clearly, says that I should give it all I've got for my kids' sake and then if it doesn't work, I'll go away knowing I did everything I possibly could and will feel good about that. You never really know what you'll do until you're actually in this situation. And you never realize just how painful it really is either until you're there.

One of these days you'll be able to tell your kids you did everything within your power to try to save your marriage and they'll appreciate that. So feel good about that!

SufferingW, thank you for your kind words and support. I did need that hug. It helps me so much to know that there is so much support here on MB. For a lot of us, it would seem that MB is all we have, when dealing with the devastation of an A.

Its ironic that you mentioned specific programs. I have been trying to get through the red tape to get my son into preschool (transferring from PA to NY has been far more difficult than it should have). During the process, I have enrolled in programs that can help out parents in situations like mine. Today, I spoke with a central intake person, who informed me that I can probably get coverage for the kids and I. I feel a little more reassured now.

I have told the children, that I want to save the M, and that I still love thier mom. But I haven't told them that in a few days, because I don't want thier hopes up, because of the way I felt about it yesterday. My WW, IMO, needs more than MC, more than IC...she needs serious, professional, mental and emotional help. It saddens me, because I don't think she'll ever realize it, and seek out the help she needs.

All I can do in the meantime, is continue to try and put some order to the chaos, do everything I want and need to do for the children, help myself as best as I can to work through all of this, and hope and pray for my WW to see the light. And of course, to keep visiting the forums here, for help, inspiration, advice, and support. I have learned so much in the past few weeks.

Dimmu,

Your last paragraph says so much about where you are in your personal growth during this nightmarish sitch. I realize that you still have a lot of bad days and are still filled with grief, and that you miss her. But your kids are so very lucky that they have you for a dad.

I wish all kids going through this could have at least one stable, caring parent to take care of them, if they can't have two.

weaver

I hope that my children and my personal growth isn't jeopardized by my WW's actions. According to the atty I hired, and various ones I spoke with, Penn. may want me to go back because of the statement. I don't know what will happen with my children then. My DD is adjusting to her new school, and my DS should be in headtstart by Wed. They have been through enough trauma. Plus, my WW said she would call and talk to them, and she hasn't called since then. Its been two days.

My mother claims that she will fight for custody, if anything happens to me. None of us want my WW to have custody, or for the children to be near WW's family for any extended period of time. Nor do we want them around the degenerates that they all hang out with.

These are dire times...I just hope that this storm clears for the children and I soon. I don't know how much more lack of sleep and stress I can deal with. If my WW would just take responsibilty for her actions, this would all go away.

Dimmu,

I hope you are doing okay.

Don't wait or waste your time wishing what your WW would do.

Wishing is like rocking in a rocking chair, you can spend a lot of time doing it but you don't get anywhere.

I am sorry about the news about the possibility of having to return to Penn. (the state right, and not the joint?).

You hang in there guy. I must go but am thinking of you.

Stay strong!

weaver