I need advice on what not to do once ws has committed to M. Does anyone have a list or links to other postings?

Here are some things i think but im not sure

dont be clingy, give ws space
dont talk about A
dont talk about OP
dont ask repeated questions about contact

any thoughts?

Stop and think about for a minute, aren't these just sweeping the affair under the rug and hoping that the damage from the affair is simply forgotten? Aren't these just bringing the marriage back to the pre-affair conditions that existed? I'm sorry but I don't agree with these things [with the possible exception of the first one].

I think it depends on where your recovery is. During withdrawal, the WS is no use, and these guidelines, and others, are a good idea.

But when the WS is ready to begin actually rebuilding with you, discussing the affair is very important.

Read Shirley Glass's NOT "Just Friends".

GC

Thats exactly my point...i dont want to sweep things under the rug but at the same time i dont want to annoy my ww during this period.

I think we need to get it all out and then move on...not sure if this is the right approach or not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband:
<strong> Thats exactly my point...i dont want to sweep things under the rug but at the same time i dont want to annoy my ww during this period.

I think we need to get it all out and then move on...not sure if this is the right approach or not. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's never going to be all gotten out. My suggestion is to allow your S to come to you, meaning give them time if you can. It's very difficult not to initiate discussions about the A or OP, relationships and affair innuendo are EVERYWHERE. You can't watch the television or listen to the radio without the issue being mentioned. Try not to react to negatively when those moments seep in, you want to say lets get it all out now and be done with it right? Friend let me tell you that this is impossible. At best you MIGHT be able to handle small doses of truth. Remember just because a WS has recommitted to the M it doesn't mean they are TOTALLY out of the fog of their infatutations. Good Luck, here's to patience, patience, patience.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dont be clingy, give ws space
dont talk about A
dont talk about OP
dont ask repeated questions about contact
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aren't these Plan A tactics?

Once the WS is out of the A and NC established and R has begun, I feel that all but the first (I don't think anyone likes clingy - ever) are essential to the BS's healing.

A good question JAH. A / OP talk makes my FWW sulk for hours and answer me nothing so I am assuming its all too new (only a month since NC).

Tried some R discussion todat but FWW got mean and closed.

I told her that one day we will need to discuss all this stuff that is uncomfortable to her , and that she should tell me whan thats OK.

I wull try again in a month, if I';m still here.No real idea what I should be doing in early R other than what I'm doing. There isn;t a R principle like a Plan A/B principle to follow it seems.

thats why im not sure what to do. We continue to discuss the A and im not sure thats the right thing. I do let her know when there are triggers and about my anxieties. She understands and wishes they would stop...I tell her i wish they would stop as well.

I will try and step away from this for now...I dont like carrying this luggage and i want to put it down and move on.

My anxiety is higher now than it was during the A and i dont like it.

I beleive that one of the most important topics a BS and WS should discuss when the WS ends the affair and wants to commit to saving and rebuilding the marriage, is an agreement that the BS will have triggers and that the WS should not take this as a sign of going backwards but a sign of the painful recovery process that ALL BS must go through with or without the WS. Often times the WS feels like he/she is being punished by the BS when nothing could be further from the truth. The WS must understand that if he/she had been involved in a serious vehicle collision where he/she had been hospitalized, it would be too much for his/her spouse to expect him/her to simply get up and go about his business without experiencing a lengthy recovery process. The WS must be made aware that triggers are a sign of love trying to prevail over the trauma of the affair and NOT as a reminder of the harm they have done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
There isn;t a R principle like a Plan A/B principle to follow it seems. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I recall you purchased "Torn Asunder"..

There is a pretty detailed "plan" in the back of the book.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive that one of the most important topics a BS and WS should discuss when the WS ends the affair and wants to commit to saving and rebuilding the marriage, is an agreement that the BS will have triggers and that the WS should not take this as a sign of going backwards but a sign of the painful recovery process that ALL BS must go through with or without the WS. Often times the WS feels like he/she is being punished by the BS when nothing could be further from the truth. The WS must understand that if he/she had been involved in a serious vehicle collision where he/she had been hospitalized, it would be too much for his/her spouse to expect him/her to simply get up and go about his business without experiencing a lengthy recovery process. The WS must be made aware that triggers are a sign of love trying to prevail over the trauma of the affair and NOT as a reminder of the harm they have done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I have tried to explain to my WW. Her current affair, she claims, is a result of a couple annoying habits, and that I "took too long to get over the first A", when it was only 3 1/2 years since then, and she never showed any true remorse that I could see. (which I believe makes recovery take longer). If she did show it, I was in too much trauma to notice. She says now that she understands that, but acts like it is too late.

Hi JAH,

Paraphrasing some of Dr. H's material, let me advise that just because "WS has committed to M", does NOT mean they have completed withdrawal. RECOVERY CANNOT BEGIN UNTIL WITHDRAWAL HAS ENDED!

If, however, both parties are truly in "recovery", Dr. H advises four rules for marital recovery:
Rule of Protection - don't be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness
Rule of Care - continue meeting your spouse's most important emotional needs
Rule of Time - give your spouse undivided attention (min. 15 hrs/week)
Rule of Honesty - be totally open and honest with each other

"You must become each other's greatest source of happiness..."

The "what not to do's" :
Don't focus on the past, rather focus on the present and the future - the past is impossible to change
Avoid angry outbursts - do not "punish" spouse for their past actions
Avoid critcism - it's a form of disrespectful judgement
Do not make selfish demands - follow the Policy Of Joint Agreement (POJA)

Regarding your..."don't talk about A", "don't talk about op", "don't ask questions about contact"; I FIRMLY believe that getting answers to our questions and thoroughly discussing the dynamics of the A is essential to maintaining and rebuilding the M and recovering from the devastating effects of the A.

<small>[ October 17, 2004, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Ron53 ]</small>

JAH...
Do what you feel is right in your heart. Can't go wrong there!!! I'm so happy for you. I only wish my STBX would have come to his senses before things got so far out of hand. I'll keep you and your WW in my prayers.

PEP

Thanks...not sure if im in recovery or not...that part of the problem...

Tree
Thanks for your kind words and prayers. I would like to thank you for helping me through this and i hope that i can do the same for you and your son.

L

Hang in there JAH....

We are there with you - some of us hanging by our fingernails, though.

I agree with Ron - recovery can't begin until withdrawl is over.

This is a hard one to figure out. How long does it take? Who knows!

I know the questions you have outlined are the very things I want to ask my husband, but don't.

The way I feel about that is.....CRAP! It's so confusing. You are the one who was betrayed, hurt, and cheated on, yet you are the one who can't ask questions, or say ANYTHING!!

Personally, I agree with Tree. Follow your heart. Follow what works for you. If something doesn't work, back off.

My new suspicious nature is working overtime. I think (by WH actions) that there is still contact.

I'm going to find out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But remember, withdrawl first, recovery next! And little baby steps!

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong>But remember, withdrawl first, recovery next! And little baby steps!

K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMVHO, following this advice ^^^^^^^ is the key to not losing your mind/or hurting yourself unnecessarily. Patience is the key. I'm trying to keep my wits which is easier said then done. Sometimes the FWS looks/sounds/smells like their ready for recovery but in actuality they're still in withdrawal and just can't handle much in the way of rebuilding tasks. I believe, my W was trying really hard to fight those demons to the point she almost hurt herself and my pressure for her to *hurry up and lets start recovering didn't help the sitch. Please be gentle with your FWS withdrawal is painful business for both of you. I'm rooting for you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FM

Thanks for the advice....im trying to take things slow and give it time.....i hope my paitence doesnt run out....


Thanks

I agree with Family Matters....be patient. We're all here to help you. Thank you for helping me also....and your welcome.
Hang in there!