I think someone already had a similar thread a while back, but I was curious after janei's comment on juke's thread and didn't want to hi-jack the thread.

I was just wondering how many of your WS's claimed age related things as part of their complaints and reasons for wanting out of the M? (For example, mine was resentful that he had so much responsibility so young and didn't get to experience what others in their 20's do...he was especially resentful of driving a minivan, which BTW was mine - he had his own car - at age 22.)

And secondly, how do you think age/immaturity/inexperience actually played a part and how much of it was just plain excuses/fog talk?

fhl, my husband definitely claimed age-related things. Didn't date a lot in high school (rather, he only had long-term relationships)..his college environment was very strict and he didn't get to play a lot (plus we dated the whole time). He says he is young..and if we can't work thing out, he'd rather end it now rather than wait.

i think fog talk at any age is immaturity. I think a lot of it is false expectations by the very young. I think age/immaturity/fog talk has everything to do with everything.

but those are still all excuses. He was able to pledge 18 years to the military...but can't pledge a few to me? Whatever...if you're going to call yourself mature, you cannot pick and choose what to be mature about.

Yes, you can be mature about some things and not others.

But he is acting without honor and integrity. His immature actions in regards to our relationship and the things he's doing now...do affect his career (or very well could) and so despite him thinking he's very mature about his job..he's not, because he is risking it.

He is 6 years younger than me. I do not think the age DIFFERENCE matters..but I think HIS perception is that it does..and that his young age when me met feally affected things.

all the ads I see him have up at dating sites...all look for people younger than me.

In the beginning my WH did claim age related reasons.

He was 19 and I was 20 when we met. We married 7 months later and immediately had a baby.

So, we both worked to support our family. One of his biggest issues is also the car.

I've generally had the nicer of the cars because I've been the one to take the kids to daycare or school or wherever. That's a HUGE thing with him. He finally got the car he wanted right before he was deployed last year. I had to sell it right before he came home because he spent so much money on travelling around to see OW and buying her stuff.

Anyway, he said we married to young, he never experienced being single as an adult (but would if he left his family for OW?) and we just grew apart.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithhopelove04:
And secondly, how do you think age/immaturity/inexperience actually played a part and how much of it was just plain excuses/fog talk? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is 100% bullcrap! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But that's just my opinion.

H and I were 30 and 31 when we married. And neither of us were ever married before.

An affair happened anyway...

"We got married too young" is probably a fact in some situations that increases the stress in the marriage later, but that is NOT A REASON TO HAVE AN AFFAIR BECAUSE THERE IS **NEVER** A REASON TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

Pep

Pepperband..you are 100% correct.

but I do think the age has soemthing to do with willingness to work through the marriage and the problems. Still an excuse, yes.

But I guess my thinking on this is...if you're young, and don't have kids with your spouse..I think it makes it harder to honor your commitment and promise. You see a long future ahead of you, there is no age impediment to dating, you can still have kids with someone else, etc. Doesn't make any of it right, but I think the age thing has more to do with not working through, than with the affair itself.

well my husband is 3 years older than me 29 yep this coming year he will be 30....guess the MLC hit him.....but he has always to a degree been emotionally disattatched....even family members warned me of it....he isn't one to really give emotional needs easily....part of that was i guess my fault and my own affair was my fault...i guess i felt alone because he was there...just not there...you know what I mean....he also tended to as it felt put other people and work above us....he was an extreme work a holic....he wouldn't get off early for us or get off in time like he does now for her....he would have rather put in 200% than spend time with us....even the weekends....mine has basically just said I was controling...well he did say in anger one time compaired to OW I was emotionally immature and she would make a better mother to my son.....he tries play alot of psychilogical war games....but i think hacking into my email when he is supposedly "moving on"...just to see what I'm up to....explains alot of his maturity level right now...even my therapist wants to slap him...she says he is emotionally ignorant.....he has even suggested to me to make things "easier" on me....that he take my truck and and I take the older car and when i can offord my truck again he will give it back... -_- I said no...I wouldn't want my truck back after you've had OW riding in it and doing god knows what in it....besides I am the one with the child and the dog....and I wouldn't want to be in OUR car i paid for since she's been in it anyways...

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

I'm with Pep on this.

My 1st wife and I were the same age when we met and married at 22. Maybe because I already had almost 6 years in the service, I was ready to settle down, etc.

She, on the other hand, was from a hispanic family and was never allowed to go out by herself and live on her own.

Instead of trying to explore life and having fun together, she just made herself, me, and the children miserable. She had affairs, got pregnent with OM, ran us into poverty, and then, after 19 years, left us to find herself.

Even now, at 65, she has been through 4 or 5 marriages, is alone (our son stays with her for now), and I guess she is still looking. Our son says she asks for me. She better not get her hopes up!

WHAT is with this car thing?? I don't think I will ever understand how a car even makes its way into the same level of importance as one's family? How it even gets to be a big enough issue in their mind that it becomes a part of the complaints that lead up to their desire to leave their family.

It's funny, as I write this, I am realizing that YES, immaturity has played a huge role. You would have to be extrememly immature to value things like image (which is what the car thing was really about for my WH) over your wife and children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

oh and I forgot he mentioned to me the other night that this computer he's been fighting me for is now mine....i was like whoa...thats weird then my mother told me to ask if he got a new one...SURE ENOUGH....he got credit through dell...and got a brand spanking new computer....I thought he couldn't afford much else because he's only going to be paying me CS...as he has told me....

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

A few interesting points.....

WW and I met when I was 19, she was 16. WW was/is my only committed relationship.

I think she certainly felt that she had missed out on a lot. Basically, she missed out on the opportunity to drink excessively/do drugs of her own free will. (I don't know if she does drugs now, but she did when I met her....) I think in some ways I interrupted that.

Surprisingly enough, I never felt that I missed out on anything. WW has had more "partners" during our M, than I've had. Ever. Yet, even today, I don't feel that I missed out on much.

Keep in mind that when I met WW, she was a C/D student in HS. I helped her to prepare for and get into college, and helped her all through school. I even stopped working on my degree when we moved in together, because we couldn't afford for both of us to work and go to school. So I did the "man" thing, and provided. WW graduates from college in December. Now.....who missed out?

I got WW her first good job (after doing menial, minumum wage type jobs). I'd like to see what she'd be doing had I not been there to help out... Who missed out?

We've traveled to a lot of really neat places. But she's the only member of her family who's ever been on an airplane. Who missed out?

It's a very frustrating point for me...... very much so. I worked very hard to provide her things that she never had. In many ways, I feel like a social worker. Here, let me help you get your life in order, and show you what "good life" is. Then once she got there, she was done with me.

The car thing is interesting as well. WW had a 2001 Honda Accord, 4 door. (She called it a Grandma car.) Last, December, she up and decided that she wanted a brand new Mustang. (BTW, care to guess who went to the dealership and haggled over the price/interest rate, etc?) I'm still driving the same truck I was in '98.

I guess it's a maturity/contentment/mid-life crisis thing.

Ethan...a Mustang, huh? What a coincidence. Guess who showed up to pick up the girls in a new red, 2-door, black leather interior mustang a few months into our separation? How'd you guess? That's right, STBXWH!

He even tried to claim he got it so he'd have a decent car to transport the girls in. Oh really....that's why it's 2 door and black leather interior? I see.

Hmmm...seems to me he's trying to emulate the lifestyle of his childhood best friend who he rarely hung out with until he decided to go off the deep end. His friend works at an auto parts store and is obsessed with mustangs. He also has a child with a girl he got pregnant, and for years has been dating this cazy lady that has had several abortions behind his back. Now, that's the life, huh...........
UGgghhhh!!!

My h didn't use age as an excuse. We actually had a long engagement because we thought we were too young when we first got engaged.

Besides, he obviously didn't think I was young enough!

well i met my H the day after my 17th bday and he was my first and only. i never thought i missed out anything, still don't. h had been around a lot before we got together and he is 5 yrs older then me. i was very mature for my age when we met and basically stepped into a social worker role like ethan, i took care of everything. now of course partly of that is because i'm a control freak (or was i should say). the first time i go away (for the military), granted it was not the first time we had been separated due to the military but up to that point it had always been him that went away. anyway, when i left he as stuck having to go to school (he was out of the military then), go to work, take care of the house and the dogs as well as the bills and then he has a nervous breakdown. tells me when he gets back that he never wants to do the bills again, etc.

well the OW in my case is barely 21 yr old and i imagine the age plays a part in it making him feel real good about having a pretty 21 yr old giving him everything he wants. whereas i am 29 and have basically made him miserable for most of our M. thanks me for making him grown up and make him the man he is today but has to continue what he's doing because all he ever wanted was to be happy. well that' just doesn't seem like a very mature thing to do or say. the last time i said anything to him about us i said that i believed the choices he has made has made him the man he is today and that the thanks does not belong to me. i was basically telling don't thank me for making you become an adulterer.

i don't know if my H will ever be mature regardless what age he is. i don't like being told i should just move on because i'm young. i've spent the last 12 yrs of my life w/this man and think it might take some time to get over.

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>