Hi folks I am in Scotland but you seem very friendly and I suppose it is the same all over.
Married 33 years,together 37.Known as a great couple ,happy marriage.He had problems over recent years with getting orgasms but not willing to do much or discuss.Close family very happy most of the time seldom fought ,same interests.

Then I was aware he was so distant,etc from Christmas,long hours. seldom here and sleeping a lot,lost interest.Knew it meant trouble and who she was,always messaging her,He her manager,promoted her etc.
.

Denied repeatedly any affair but I caught out on phone 8 weeks ago.Refused to work on marriage Very fond of me,but loved her etc usual codswallop.Tried for a week to work on it but they messed me about and I told him to go as my sanity was at stake.He had a brick wall inside, not my old husband,worried about her ,she played games calling him, to "break up" ,sent poems etc so he cracked and went running.

Now living together and in Africa on work trip for 3 weeks.He has taken her to his family for acceptance,pushing me out,initially though things better recently ,I'm glad to say,as I have no family of my own.

Our two adult sons disgusted and shocked and hurt.Their hero Dad has feet of clay.Youngest has nothing to do with him at present,oldest trying to help me and telling his Dad to treat me right.

Problems as the money side has been hard ,saw a lawyer and getting separation and settlement.hHe angry at me it seems now as he feels I am taking his money as my wages are so low.
He expected half of a small legacy my parents left me but under law it is mine so he has been mean and to me bullying in manner ,when we meet.

I saw him twice but was so awful I now refusing to see him and have taken his house key which he also resents.Nice to everyone else,telling them he is so sorry and remorseful etc.

I don't want the bad feelings to go on especially for the boys who hate all the upsets,but need to protect myself.Any advice on how to cope with getting in a frame of mind to manage to see him and make it work better much appreciated ,and any other comments and advice gratefully received.

I miss him so much he was such a kind and caring guy.

mup

MUP -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Your husband is acting just the way they all do, so don't take it personally. I know it is hard not too, but when you see that they all do and say the same things, it makes it easier.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line. You will have problems at first sticking to it, but once you get the hang of it it gets much easier.

Weekends are slow, but keep reading and posting here, and we will help you do this.

Believer is right....they all do the same things.

Read, read, read. Once I came here and saw just how typical his actions and words were, it took away a lot of the power they had over me.

Plan A is HARD. It's worth it though and you will see rewards for yourself no matter what happens.

Welcome to MB. This is a great place.

Believer,thank you so much for you prompt and helpful post.

I have read the plan A/ plan B now and agree that I should try to follow this.

Up till now i have been hurt and hostile as I felt had to protect myself from his lies and betrayal.

I know that at heart he is a caring person but the guilt is making him hostile and resentful and pushing us apart.

As I hope the settlement is almost agreed,I will try to keep in contact with him.The best way seems to be by email or messaging,as I f I phone him at home I can hear her in the background and that does not help,he is tense and distant.Phoning at work can be a problem,but he responds well if I send a funny or friendly email .Usually.he loves my sense of humour I know, so maybe `I can use it to make him feel better about me again?

Do you think that emails are OK?I know they are detached but that is good for me,as I can be very careful what I put and review it before I send it.I get so upset seeing or hearing him that I may over react and get emotional in an unhelpful way.

Thank you again.
Mup <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

E-mail is just fine in this situation. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have e-mail as a means of communication. You are able to carefully plan out your words and not get emotional. Calling was so hard for me in the first few months after D-day, because if he didn't feel like talking the rejection was so hard. With e-mail you don't have that problem.

I'm curious what does his family have to say about this? Have you talked to them? If not, you should let them know that you are deeply hurt by his actions but you want to try to work on the M. Chances are he did not tell them everything or tell them the truth. Does everyone at his work know?

Hoi Beleiver,

Well I got in trouble with his mum,93 yrs by telling her the truth about how he was treating me, which she did not want to hear about her son.

He visited her and put pressure on her to see his new woman.When I remonstrated with him he said his mum asked to see her and i was so upset, that when I phoned his mum she was angry and asked me not to phone again, though she knew i feared rejection by the family as I had been warned by a friend that this often happened .
I did not hear for 2 weeks but had posted his sister after he bullied me about the money.She eventually replied.She supported me to him ,though he was non-commital in reply.She said that he had forced the situation with his Mum and his new woman,not that Mum had asked and mum conformed this later.

I backed off but sent graduation photos of yougest son to her as she wanted to keep contact with them,to her with a nice letter and she phoned me.
It is clear I can only talk about neutral subjects but at` least she is in contact.The sister and husband will visit me soon and his bro whom he has not told,(his sister had to)and wife wrote a nice if short letter to me.

They have met her and his sister told me he is very remorseful about the effects on me and says he sympathises with the plight he has put me in.I have seen none of this.She said though that he is very protective of OW and implied I should just get on with my life ,not expect any reconciliation.i took from this thst she is very attra`ctive and they are very involved so i felt very upset and rejected.

As you have already heard, all this is very normal. My husband brought the OW home to meet his family, and told me to move on with my life, as there was never any chance of fixing the Marriage. I sometimes wonder how everyones stories are so similar in words and actions. Hang in there, this too shall pass. You sound like a wonderful person who deserves better then this. When you start doing plan A you will find it easier to respect yourself, and your WH will notice. Plan A and B are both great in rebuilding who you are and help you through this. By the way welcome to MB, however I am very sorry that you had to find it through an A.

Sorry that got posted before I finished!

I spoke about his work, He says that they know but I don't think they know that they used her school for assignations and school activities,and conferences for meetings and their illicit activities.

I have had abusive phone call from partner of another member of his team,and had to to spend time supporting her (his member of staff.)as she was so upset!
I am a psychiatric social worker and guess my life spent supporting others and him means I neglected myself and he took me at this valuation.

At the time the affair started I had the bereavement of my mum,and the slow death and bereavement of a close friend plus harassment at work to cope, with so I suspect he did not feel I was there for hIm emotionally,though physically I cared for him,cooking great meals and caring for his high blood pressure which responded to garlic pearls that I recommended for him.

We also spent time on holiday together and with friends ,though mentally he was not with me, they thought we were still a close couple.

I have tried to change this self neglect.I have had a new haircut,look younger and fitter,working out,lost some weight, and everyone tells me I am coping so well,and look good.But I know the cost to me of all this,when I am alone.I miss him cruelly.

I am being so independant doing everything alone and pushing him away,proving I can cope without him.Perhaps this is an error but I wanted him to see I was not depending on him,could cope alone,boosting my self esteem.
I know her approach was different "Oh,I can't cope without you "etc,and thats how I felt at first.

Thats how I responded at first, but he just said I would have to get my own life as he was going to live with her,but rather patronisingly that he might help me out at times .

So I became very independant!

Don't know if I should change this but ,he is so distant and unreliable I don't want to become dependant on his goodwill and charity, and her permission,for my life.

Our mutual friends have almost universally supported me as they are all family folk too.He is angry saying he has not had a chance to tell his side.However he has said to family that I did nothing wrong ,was a good wife to him,so I don't know what his side would be,apart from how much he loves her and how that changed his view of things.

He says he has not changed is angry I say he has ,despite his treatment of me.He was so anti-bullying,personally,and professionally,I cannot believe he was so hostile and bullying to me.

It is so upsetting that my son had to say to him to do right by me,not lose all the respect,and he still had a go at me on the phone before we managed to sort out our finances. I have not asked my son to do this I would never put on that pressure but my son as an adult saw what was happening and acted.Both sons cannot believe that he is going against all they were taught by him as children.
He has now reluctantly given me a good financial settlement ,but that is very temporary and my son says he is neurotic about being hard up and paying to me.I hoped to retire at 60 yrs but think i will not now manage that.

I get great support from my sons and friends,and the main thing that helps me is that so many good friends have come to support me.I have moved out of his shadow as he was the sociable and charming one,I felt inept socially at times ,an only child,sensitive but not too gregarious.

However as a friend said to me,"before you spent all your time with him,now we all get a chance to share your company!"This was a revelation to me as I felt I would be so isolated and he would be the popular one still.

Thank you Believer for your interest,it does help to rant on and express myself freely and safely!

Mup

Hi Kmej,kloew72 and faithinme,

Thank you so much for your helpful posts.

It does help to know that this is all so stereotyped as he makes it seem as if it is all so special ,wonderful,they are now a unit,I am history,and I am not aware of the reality,need to be accepting of their feelings and view,and just get on with it,not make a fuss.

I feel the opposite is true and he is in such denial,of the reality of our life together ,the family he loved so much,and his own basic standards,while I have had to face up to loneliness and desertion and my own private demons and cope with these to stay sane and in touch with myself and reality.

I find your support so helpful as people sometimes find it hard or embarassing to talk or hear all I have to say and I feel a whiner! Not my close friends ,but others who cannot cope with my emotions, if I get upset.However I am good at covering now especially as I have to work in such highly charged situations at work,and manage this well.

i would love him to return but feel he is so enmeshed by her it is unlikely unless they fall out.She had problems in her marriage and i guess reckons he is a good bet for a better husband,so will hang on.

Thank you again,
Mup

I have told him i will give him a divorce as that what I assumed he wanted.Was that wrong of me,I did not want to cling and push him away?

Should I say that I would like another chance,if he changes his mind, when he is living with her and so protective?

Could he be angry as i gave up too easily?

I am so confused as to what to do next.

Mup

mup -

Of course he thinks that his relationship with OW is special. They all do. If you do not want a divorce, tell him. Try to stall it.

Also have you told the other woman's husband? That is part of the marriage builders plan.

As far as his family - they are typical too. Most families side with the infidels. Sad, but common.

The thing that will help you most is to realize that he is the typical wandering spouse. They are all alike. It is almost like they have a textbook to follow.

When you are going through all of this, it is miserable at first, but does get much better. So stick with us, and we will help you get through this.

Hi Mup, greetings from a fellow Brit. This site has become a bit of an addiction for me but it gives such an insight into human nature in crisis. Most of the people here will give you great advice.

Your situation struck a chord with me. My WH also had the sexual dysfunction problem, high blood pressure, slept a lot, worked late hours. We never really sat down and tackled the problems which led to him feeling unloved etc. There really is such a pattern in these affairs.

Your reaction has been very similar to mine. I'm very independent whilst his OW whined and cried and 'needed him desperately'. Some men just need to feel wanted. I do wonder how long he'll enjoy the clinginess, it is the opposite of what he was used to. My family are younger than your sons so I'm trying to keep normality going for them.

So glad you've got friends and family to support you. Good luck, whatever the outcome. TT

Hi Tummytuck and Believer,

The OW's H knew the night i told my WS not to come home as both of them had messed me about,and I was in a very bad state.She left her H and they stayed at her friend's that night,then at the guest house of WS best friend who knew about the A and had warned him to be careful,

Then 10 days later they moved into their own rented flat beside her school.Costs them a mint,furnished but convenient.He is always home early now to be with her.But then he spent lots of time with her before when I thought he was working.
Her H apparently found it a "relief" at breakup.This from my WS.

The last few weekends they have been visiting his family some distance away,and also going to the coast where we have a boat(shared) going there to restaurant we liked and again most weekends staying in guest houses on these visits.So much for being hard up and frugal as he told me.

I know as I get the bank and visa details still on joint acct though now all money is split.I had to as they were using so much to set up home,and he owes me.

Now away on work/safari trip to Africa in Education group.Their time together has been so exciting,active and their sex life been a bit risky in where they met.A friend says she thinks the old problems will reapppear for him when the adrenaline and hormones die down a bit,and monotonous daily life takes over.

I worry as even if they do split they will be working together as he is her boss.

I just don't want to wait forever,hoping and getting no-where,so I have to get on with life too,with help from my friends.

I will be very upbeat and cheerful and friendly in my emails,try to feel strong to see him again.

There is so much of his stuff here that he plans to sell,workshop equipment ,car etc so he does need to be here at times,though i have banned him from house at present ,as don't want him in when I away ,accessing computer ,paperwork of mine,etc.

Sons also don't want him at meals out for their birthdays which was always a high point for us.They don't want him at Christmas here so I guess he will be with her,can see them on Boxing day or Christmas eve if they want.

Eldest son has met twice but not enjoyed it though Dad was amicable.Told him to stop carping on about his lawyer saying i was not entitled to any Aliment and do the right thing by me.Youngest son only allowed his Dad to speak to him once.

He loves and will be desperate to be close again with his sons.He told me "I am separating from you not my sons" when I accused him of splitting a good family.We always got on so well as a family.

Any leverage I have now is through his guilt which leads to a completer alienation of him from me.

Thank you again for letting me rave on,it does help tp have others who understand listen and respond.

Mup

You are still very early in this. Do a great Plan A. It is difficult, but not impossible.

Also it helps to make changes in you, and develop a good life without him. Chances are very good that he will come back to you. When he does, you want to have a nice life going for yourself.

Stick with us, and we will support you.

Hey mup. Welcome. You sound like you already are on the right track--for YOU!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A friend says she thinks the old problems will reapppear for him when the adrenaline and hormones die down a bit,and monotonous daily life takes over.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't put a bandaid on such a depp wound. It'll bleed through--eventually. And, not just with the sex. With him as a whole (or hole? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

You asked a question in an earlier post that I was hoping a more experienced and BTDT MB'er would answer, which was about the divorce. Just my own perception adn understanding of it, yes, it was abit too early in your sit, but then again, it all depends on how it came out. If it was responding to "babble", it may have been appropriate. But read up on plan A. And continue--at the very least--improving YOU!

Thank you believer.


Should i tell him in emails things like "only 5% of affairs last",or "this is so stereotypical",or "relationship founded on pain and unhappiness of others has poor chance" etc or will this only shut his ears and drive him away more?

mup

Hi Folks,

Have decided on a new approach to protect myself.I am feeling a bit more settled, though grieving a lot,as WS and OW now in Africa for 2 weeks and no longer constant stress of emails,messaging and phone calls.

I realise the more contact I have now, the less peace of mind I have.

I have decided to try to withdraw ,only responding to his posts or messages as I have to.Otherwise I work myself into a wee frenzy anticipating or dreading next contact and how it will go ,how I will respond etc.It probably doesn't impinge on him anyway, so no point really.He is in honeymoon mode and I am just an expensive irritation to him causing twitches in his conscience.

I have removed his name from the messenger,and will do my best to stay firm though it is hard for me to stay silent at the best of times.

Appreciate any comments ,advice from others who had this experience or know of others experience.

Thank you ,Mup

Hi Folks,

Have decided on a new approach to protect myself.I am feeling a bit more settled, though grieving a lot,as WS and OW now in Africa for 2 weeks and no longer constant stress of emails,messaging and phone calls.

I realise the more contact I have now, the less peace of mind I have.

I have decided to try to withdraw ,only responding to his posts or messages as I have to.Otherwise I work myself into a wee frenzy anticipating or dreading next contact and how it will go ,how I will respond etc.It probably doesn't impinge on him anyway, so no point really.He is in honeymoon mode and I am just an expensive irritation to him causing twitches in his conscience.

I have removed his name from the messenger,and will do my best to stay firm though it is hard for me to stay silent at the best of times.

Appreciate any comments ,advice from others who had this experience or know of others experience.

Thank you ,Mup

Hi Folks,

Have decided on a new approach to protect myself.I am feeling a bit more settled, though grieving a lot,as WS and OW now in Africa for 2 weeks and no longer constant stress of emails,messaging and phone calls.

I realise the more contact I have now, the less peace of mind I have.

I have decided to try to withdraw ,only responding to his posts or messages as I have to.Otherwise I work myself into a wee frenzy anticipating or dreading next contact and how it will go ,how I will respond etc.It probably doesn't impinge on him anyway, so no point really.He is in honeymoon mode and I am just an expensive irritation to him causing twitches in his conscience.

I have removed his name from the messenger,and will do my best to stay firm though it is hard for me to stay silent at the best of times.

Appreciate any comments ,advice from others who had this experience or know of others experience.

Thank you ,Mup

Ooops sorry multiple posts,I thought it had not gone so kept pressing!!