From reading here lately, it is apparent that WS's say some pretty intense, hurtful, devestating things to us BS's during the A and during withdrawal. I am 2yrs 5 mos post dday of my H's A. We are in a great recovery now.
Remembering some of the things he said:::
Pre D-Day
-what would you REALLY do if I ever cheated on you?
-If we ever broke up, would you still want to be friends w/me or would you go and never look back?
-Do you think it's possible to love 2 people at the same time?
-Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be w/someone else or are you 'content' w/being married to me?
(YES, these questions raised plenty of red flags)

D-DAY & the next 3 months
-I love you, but I'm not in love with you
-I dont want you to go
-I've thought it all thru, I reallly do want a divorce
- I love you
-Maybe we married too young
-I never stopped loving you
-Shes (OW) a good person
-I want more out of life, and you deserve more too
-This will never work, I've ruined your life
-I love you, and I dont want you to go
-20 years from now, youre gonna look over at me and hate me

6 MONTHS LATER (when I couldnt take anymore and I was going to leave because they were still working together)
-I dont want to be alone
-I cant believe I screwed up so badly
-I love you I dont want to lose you
-I cant be without you
-If you leave, that means SHE wins (never quite got that one)
-She wasnt worth losing everything for. I made a mistake. I want you. I love you. You are my whole world.
-I quit my job. I know it hurts you to know I still have to communicate w/her everyday. So there its done. Shes out of our lives for good.
TODAY
-he still mentions that I'm his everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
-tells me he loves me constantly
-makes cute little comments all the time like,
'see why I married ya, youre beautiful'
-always tells me I'm sexy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
-kisses me every time he's near me
-holds my hand
-tries to make the weekends special (by doing something, anything, together)
-tells me every night when we first climb into bed, that 'snuggle time is his best time of day'

It takes time and patience, but it can work. My H may not mention it, but I'm sure he remembers some of the thoughtless, terrible things he said back then. He has apologized for saying SOME of it, but now it is never mentioned. Does it still pop into my head some days? Yes, some days it does. It doesnt hurt like it did 1 yr ago, and its not as devastating as it was 2 yrs ago.
Pain fades, triggers fade, memories can be pushed to the back of your mind if you want them to be. It can get better. It will get better. YOU will get better. If we can get thru our S's A's we can get thru anything. A little bit of patience, and working on YOURSELF makes you a stronger, better, happier person. No matter what the outcome.
Wishing everyone here the best there is in life. S & I

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: Scared&Insecure ]</small>

Thank you so much for sharing that. You have no idea how much I needed to here this tonight. I'm having a hard time coping with feelings of worthlessness and hate towards him, and just plain hurt. I want us to be happy again and I feel like we never will. Your post gives me courage that maybe if you can make it so can I! Thanks for the light at the end of the tunnel!

S & I , having faith that my FWW will adhere to the "affair template of behaviour" as your FWH did is something I am missing right now and its making me hurt.

My FWW is behaving like nothing's wrong until I mention the A then she clams up, gets nasty for a while. BUT its only been 4 months since d-day and a month since OM dumped her so I know its very early days.

I want FWW to say she is sorry for a regrets the A ( she has said she does not regret the A , just the hurt it caused, but that WAS several weeks ago and I PRAY that attitude is changing as she ducks out of the fog). I want her to understand what I have done for US in doing plan A /MB.
I want her to love me FIRST not as a consolation prize because OM dumped her.

You and other experiened "recoverers" tell me that she almost CERTAINLY WILL do these things eventually, but right now it feels like ever day that passes, she is 'getting over' what she has done, not seeing more clearly so.

Many thanks for your post. It is timely for me. Its been a tough weekend in R for me so far.

Marsha and Bob,
I can remember very clearly the pain some words can cause. My H's A lasted at least 5 months. Still swears it was totally EA, never PA.
I believe we would still be in a terrible mess if he would have not left that job. I, myself, would definitely be in a 'looney bin' if he would have stayed working w/her. NC is an absolute must. It never would have worked without it.
It took almost a year before my H actually admitted regreting the A. Actions speak louder than words.
Its a long road. I'm 2+ yrs into this and I still have my bad days. But now I can go to him for reassurance.
I had defined myself by my life. I was a WIFE. I am not happy about his A, but it taught me something. I am ME. His A will be a part of our history, it will always be a chapter of our M, but we have grown stronger together because of it, and I have grown stronger as an individual because of it. It was a total 'wake up' call for both of us. Learn by it, grow stronger by it, and hold your head up high, because each and everyone of us is worth a hell of a lot more than we actually think. S & I