Hello all...and God bless you for being here!
Here's my dilemma (amongst others!)

My WW is 4 months into a serious PA. She really wants us to separate (She told me this week that she just wants to "move on" from me in life) and in my counseling with Steve Harley, he says it is time for plan B. Well, she wants separation, but won't leave. We have another home (at the beach) about 10 minutes from our home, and she just won't go. We have school age kids, and she'd have to get up in the morning to see them off to school because I leave for work very early.
My problem is, I don't want to leave. It just doesn't seem right. I'm not leaving our marriage. I want to be with her and only her. So, I told her that, and she said "Well, I'm not leaving, but I want a separation." She said she thinks I'm doing this as some kind of custody ploy, but heck, I haven't even seen a lawyer, or anything yet.
At times it seems selfish of me to not just leave because the kids' mom should be here in the morning when they wake up, not one of the housekeepers. Again, she could just get up and come over in the AM to see them off. Everyone tells me..."Don't YOU leave! Stand your ground."
What do you think?
Thank you all, this community is so important to me at this time. "For such a time as this!"

Me- 49
WW - 41
Married 11 years
3 children together
2 other children
Now 1 Grandson!
D-Day 8-5-04
Plan A'ing and still living together. But, losing hope by the minute.

<small>[ October 17, 2004, 01:07 AM: Message edited by: 4 Ever ]</small>

How long have you been in Plan A?

I don't know that I would agree to move out. You don't want the separation.

But, Steve Harley suggests Plan B and off the top of my head at 11:00 at night, I can't think of a way to do that while living together.

Steve's the expert. I've found him to be insightful and everything he's said to my WH and me has been right on the money.

No answer here is there? Sorry. Have you asked him what he believes would be a good way to proceed?

I think the basic rule here should be 'don't make it easy for us ww's to have affairs', though I will subject that to whatever Steve Harley says to do.

I don't think you should move, put pressure on her to move and LET her get up early to take kids to school etc, she is the one who wants out so let her is my advice.
She is the one who has broken her M vows and is an adulteress & wants to separate & thats one of the consequences. It may be ok to put it to her this way, check with Steve.

Because Steve Harley has suggested plan B then in this case offer to pack her bags and drop her off at the beach house or whatever ASAP.

I think she needs to be inconvenienced so that she starts to realise the big wide world out there is not as friendly as she seems to think in her fantasy land.

Also I do advise you go see a lawyer because it sounds as if she has. That bit she said about the house & custody? well in US courts the one who moves out is many times treated as the person who 'abandoned' the family and this works adversly in any custody allocation. I only know this from speaking to another woman in which this happened. How would she know if she has not seen a lawyer????? BE CAREFUL

Remember us ww are aliens when in the fog and we will do anything to get our way - lie cheat steal etc etc.........my I do sound dangerous - but I am a former ww thank God.

Don't leave your house. It can be used against you later. Move into a seperate bedroom if you have too, but do not leave the house!!
Michael

Don't leave your home would be my advice. There has to be another way even if it doesn't present itself right now. Your children need you now more than ever. Often times a WS wants nothing else but to move the OP in wiht them!!! How would this effect your children! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Do you want that?!!? If you move out you will hve no control over this happening.

My suggestion is to make yourself available in the mornings to see the children off for school. Yes I am fully aware of what I am suggesting. It is change and a big one. However, isn't your family worth it? You must provide for your family but what is any of that worth if there is no family left. Make changes in your job schedule and make WW leave since she is the one who wants the separation. You might have to LB to accomplish this but IMO it will certainly be worth it.

Check with Dr. Harley on your options. He will certainly have the best suggestions here. And of course listen to him more than anyone else here! He is a professional and most of us are just offering opinions based on limited experience. Another thing that you should do before you go any further is see a Lawyer and be advised of your rights in your situation and state. If you let her control the situation you and you children will be very vulnerable to WW and her hurtful fantasy.

Positive Change / Plan B / Tough Love / Self Respect

Take care of yourself and your children

C.

I agree with the others ... don't leave your HOME and FAMILY. She wants the separation ... then let her separate herself from the HOME. That means it's her inconvenience. She can't have her cake and eat it too. She can try and use your children as an excuse, but was she thinking of them in her A? I like the suggestion that you take up separate bedrooms, if possible.

That's my $.02

Brown