Just checking in. I just found this site today, so I have been busy reading articles and have not ordered the program. Actually I probably don't have the money to get them, but will try. H and I have been separated since 9/25. After he came home on 9/16 and told me he was thinking about getting a divorce, I did a passive-aggressive thing and didn't "deal with it", and then I finally lost my temper over it because I did not deal with it.

The OW in his life is his church and his daughter. He told me he was called to the ministry, which is fine, but I was not happy with the church he picked, so I quit going there (and joined a different church). I did not tell him that he should not go to church where he wanted to go or anything like that. But since I quit going to their church his pastor and wife counseled him toward divorce. He quit paying our bills, too and gave all the money to that church.

I'm a little disturbed that people were calling the house asking for him as "Pastor" when he is not only not a Pastor. He must have a lot of people fooled. Unless of course his pastor actually did cut him papers, which he DID say he would do. (Unbelievable!) The whole thing just didn't sit well with me, like some warped kind of deception.

I'm not one to question God's calling on a person, but when it is carried out in ways that don't seem to be above board and in a church that seems to have a way of destroying the families in its midst, there is something just not right there. (Not just our family - there have been several!)

And the daughter - geez is she ever a piece of work. Oh she seems ~ so sweet~. But she has been trying to play me and her dad against each other ever since we got married.

Anyway, we had a major blow out fight on 9/25 and I threw him out of the house. The fight was pretty stupid and had nothing to do with real issues. NOTHING AT ALL. I started it with some petty bickering about some laundry, but then he said some stuff that was deliberately designed to get me as angry as possible. It was an incredibly low blow. So of course, I said some things I didn't mean, too - really really BAD things, but I wanted to hurt him as badly or twice as badly as he had hurt me with what he said, and told him to leave.

So now he is living with his adult daughter, who of course is gleefully trying to get him back together with her mom. (And the little witch is a master manipulator too.)

To top things off, yesterday I got a letter from the State of California threatening to sieze his/my/our assets because he got behind in child support payments from previous marriage. He's always paid, and when he wasn't able to pay, because he wasn't working, I paid it to keep him out of trouble. Even when I was also on unemployment we paid. But we (we? he?) still managed to get $5000.00 behind. I'm so mad that I have had MY (CA state) income tax refund seized and weekly amounts toward HIS kids when my own son needs insulin and college tuition and car insurance.

We don't even live in California anymore, but that won't stop them from taking MY home out from under me and that won't change, whether we get back together or not, or whether his ex and him get back together or not. Now they want MY car and MY bank accounts and MY home, too. I feel pretty helpless living in a community property state.

I am not at all convinced that we are going to be able to work things out and get back together. Not now. Not anymore. Or if I even want to. I just don't know. We had a marriage counseling appointment, but of course he didn't show up. He is so dishonest with me about everything.

The stupidest thing of all, even I knew he was dishonest before we got married and even though I knew he was rebounding from his previous marriage I KNEW BETTER and MARRIED HIM ANYWAY. "Other than that" he seemed like a nice guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

We are at the stage where every discussion is arguments and accusations and I just don't see it changing.

I'm scared, I'm too old for this nonsense and this hurts.

hi aw, same short cut as me there ..

Ok I suggest that first thing you go to a lawyer and get YOUR portion of the assets protected. That may have to be by a legal separation agreement BUT it will protect your assets or portion of them or YOU will find all your assets gone as well as his!!
If you cannot do that in your state you may be able to do something as effective which does the same thing. I'm sure there is even if it is some pre divorce thing.
Now I'm not suggesting you divorce unless you want that but rather use the process to protect your assets.
Perhaps it will also make him pay his portion of the bills as well????

That done you can then look at this site and see how you can use plan a or b to work on your M if that is what you wish to do.

It may also help to get some advice on how to handle the arguments and how to respond to hurtful comments, none of us are too good at that!!

Look after youself & son and then the M. Its sad to see religion used like this. What about his moral obligations to his kids & you??
Stick with us you will get the support you need to get through this here.

aw

AbyssimallyWeary-

I feel bad for what you are going through. The more and more I read about what people are going through, the more I am convinced that there is something in the water, or the air that is making people crazy!

I do my own studying of religion and the Scriptures, and do not trust most churches (a house divided cannot stand), so I am strictly non-denominational. But, from the Scriptures I have read about marriage and divorce, an A, or lack of faith should be the only reasons for a D, so whatever church your H is going to sounds a little cult like to me. Sure, they may be using the "lack of faith" card, but you go to a different church, so your faith in God must be there, just not faith in your H's church. A pastor should never try to talk someone into divorce (what God has made in heaven, let not man tear asunder). Thats one of the craziest things I have heard of a pastor doing. If anything, they should be telling your H to talk to you more about your church decisions. These are just my opinions though.

I hope everything works out for you. I hope you have some support from family and friends, and I know you will find support here on MB. MB has helped me immeasurably (I have no support from anyone I know in person, they all hate my WW, and other than MB,and the awesome people on here, I am alone in my struggle). I was in a similar situation about knowing certain things about my WW, like her capacity for dishonesty, but love and infatuation can completely block out logical and rational thought, as I have found out the hard way. We can hopefully become more wise, and stronger from these situations. I just wish we could become wiser and stronger without the agaony of it all. Take care of yourself! That is the important thing right now.

Hi! I am confused!! has your H had an affair or is he just asking for the D? You said the OW in his life is his church and his daughter?

I am a million miles away from family, but I do have a few friends in my new church that are very helpful. I am "non-denominationa" too, in my heart. I mean "THE Church" is in US, not in the building. "Church" is just a place to worship and have fellowship with other Christians, so far as I can see.

(I go to church on Wednesday nights, not Sunday.)

Anyway, the MSA is not recognized by itself in my state, but can be incorporated into the divorce property settlement. (Not the wisest move in the world, because then it is enforced differently, but I may have no other choice.)

I am hoping he will even sign it. I am still working on it. Then we have to get it signed and notarized. Then I am going to HAVE to file for the divorce, probably, to "activate" it.

I already opened my own bank accounts, separate from him and immediately snatched his last paycheck by electronic transfer to keep it out of reach of seizure, but I am not making enough money without his income to pay the bills.

We talked about the bank accounts briefly and he said he would just cash his check (his employer uses the same bank as we do, so he can do that) and deposit cash into my account for the next few weeks.

I guess we'll see if he keeps his word on that.

I really cannot afford a lawyer, so I am becoming a real pro at legal research <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well the laws in this state are pretty simple, I am just having a hard time understanding how it is that California can rob from ME and my kids to pay HER. Especially knowing that she is the highest paid, longest tenured, and specially credentialed teacher in the school district where she teaches. It just scalds me.

Yesterday he had the audacity to defend his ex to me saying that she was "not a malicious person", so I guess his daughter's tactics must be working. Good for them. They were married for over 20 years, so he probably should go back to her. (Scripturally.)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Does that make ME the OW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Well he had already left her and had already had a couple others when I met him, but his D was not final at the time I met him. Oh I stalled and stalled to marry him, but he pressured me and pressured me...I caved in, and am I ever sorry.

Funny he can preach a good COVENANT talk, but he can't live it. I told him that I don't remember the clause in our marriage vows that said "in sickness and in health until the wife hits menopause". I told him that if he shows up on t.v. begging for money, I am going to write a book and expose him for what he really is.

Well there has been more stuff, too. I have done all the legwork to find marriage counselors and programs, and I am leaving it up to him to make the phone calls and schedule the appointments or register for seminars or buy books or whatever it takes. I found the last counselor and he scheduled the appointment and then did not show up. Since he is in denial and has absolved himself of any responsibility for any of our problems, I want to test his level of commitment to working things out. He said I did not give him enough time.

Well I am giving him from now until October 29th to do something or not in order to prove his intentions.

Because of my goofy work schedule, I will need that whole week to finish up and file the legal paperwork I am working on anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Hi! I am confused!! has your H had an affair or is he just asking for the D? You said the OW in his life is his church and his daughter? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His "affair" is with his church, and the other woman pulling the strings is his daughter. He said he wanted a D on several precepts:

1) The fact that I would not support his "calling to ministry" in a demon possessed church. He stopped paying our bills to give money to this church, and lied to me about it, runs whenever they call him, is secretive about the work he had to do there at odd times...yada yada. So I call that church his OW.

Ditto for the daughter, who had just the right whiny pitch of neediness to get his attention when I needed him at home, and is working on trying to get him back together with his EX-wife.

2) The fact that I am in early menopause and bleeding out and have not wanted sex much for the last couple of months.

3) Maybe coincidental, but there are other issues (to me) The fact that he just finished his degree the end of August that I worked my butt off so he could finish. He just turned 50 and could be having a crisis. Has some unusual cute cheeky names in his online chat program...

I don't know could be a lot of things that he has not told me yet. In my thinking, (which could be completely all wrong) Priorities are supposed to be God, Family, Work, and God does not equal CHURCH!

Whenever anything takes over the marriage and the marriage finances, whether it is church, work, AW/AM, drugs, alcohol, internet pornography, what ever it is - if it involves deception and manipulation - it is a level of infidelity.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Well it sounds good anyway.

According to scripture, a man who has multiple wives is not fit for teaching. A man who promotes the divorce of a church member is not scripturally fit for teaching. A man who doesn't see to the care of his family is worse than an infidel. The Bible is very specfic on the strict requirements for a teacher and they are held to a much higher standard. This church if you want to call it that, does sound like a cult...a dangerous cult. The pastor recommending divorce and taking money when the family is not supported is a big sign. Cults have to control because they have no truth on which to stand. It sounds as if they see you as a threat as you refuse to participate in their heresay.

He was having relationships with women before he was divorced!?! You're right..it was very unwise to marry such a man.

Even though the mother of these children makes decent money, he still has an obligation to support his children. Her income doesn't give him a pass on his responsibility.

I think it best that you see an atty asap to protect yourself. If your son is in need of insulin, you need to contact your church or speak with his doctor.

"Even though the mother of these children makes decent money, he still has an obligation to support his children. Her income doesn't give him a pass on his responsibility."

I agree 100%! But those children are not MY responsibility! I have my own to take care of! But the state of California doesn't see it that way or have any consideration that they are willing to rob from me and my kids to pay off HIS responsibility to HIS kids. I mean under the Federal rules you can file injured spouse and they only take the appropriate spouse's portion of the Federal income tax return.

But under California rules they take the whole State income tax return because they consider it to be community property. And if we have a joint account and even if he has not been working and I have been working or collecting unemployment - Guess what? They will take the WHOLE THING just because his name is on it!

I have a car that I bought by myself before we got married. The state of TX will recognize as separate property and give it solely to me in a D. (Right now he could steal it if he wanted to and TX would not bat an eye because his name is on the title, but I can show the receipts that I bought it before I married him, so it will be mine again after D.)

But because I added his name to the title, the state of California will sieze it, and any thing else of mine with his name attached. It's just a really dangerous situation that I did not realize I was getting into, and others should be careful about getting into. If I had known, I would have protected myself better from the start. Better yet I should not have married him, but I really did love the big galoot.

Well see how silly that was.

I just got a call from Retrovaille. Has anyone attended those weekends? Are they any good?

If you want to read about it, it is here:

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

They are supposed to be pretty good. At least they are affordable. I told the gentleman who called to please call and speak to H to explain the program to him and to see if he wants to attend. If he is willing to go, the next weekend is on December 3 or January 7

I'm not even calling him anymore. I refuse. We met yesterday at a restaurant because he had taken some of my and my son's important papers when he moved out. We argued. He bellowed and embarrassed me. Of course he prayed over me and my wickedness and told me he was hoping God would heal us, and then he immediately afterward had a lunch date with someone else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well I did do something wicked. I painted a fucshia stripe in my hair because he thinks only witches (as in real witches) do that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry I couldn't help myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />