Why am I having such a hard day today? It has been an incredible week for me and dad. We have been closer this week than we have in YEARS! He holds me al night long when we sleep, he tells me over and over again how much he loves me and his goal each day is to make me feel secure and loved. So why am I having such a hard time with this?

Yesterday he went racing alone! I let him go, cuz my kids wanted to go to their school carnival and frankly I was just exhausted from all the travelling I have been doing! I stayed back and he got home about 6:00, we went to dinner and then came home and cuddled more!

I couldn't sleep last night, so got up and downloaded some sappy songs! I went back to bed about 1:00 or so. When I got into bed he asked where I was. He held me tight. I felt him reach for me a few times in the night making sure I was still there. I have nightmares every night about the OW and him. I dont want to sleep anymore! The nightmares are so real and they just make me so depressed!

Just now I cried in his arms. He assures me he has not seen her! I am leaving today for San Antonio to visit my dad. He is back in the hospital, but will be released tomorrow. I am staying til Tuesday. In the past when I have gone to SAT, dad has had OW at the house! Yes, you read right, she came to MY house with MY children upstairs asleep! Sickening! Dad promptly bought me a new mattress as soon as I found out that one. Thanks OW for that text message, I now have a new Tempurpedic mattress! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So here I go again on a trip, leaving H vulnerable and all I can do is HOPE he doesn't fall to her pray! He assures me he is here to make this work, that he has no desire to be with her.

We have been down this road before though. Or at least in my heart and mind we have. All the while he was seeing her, I thought we were in recovery. All the lies, the betrayal. When will I learn to trust him again. I am so afraid that my insecurities will scare him. like "well, you will never trust me again, so I am just oging to leave"...he says he understands it and is in for the long haul. But I cant help but wonder!

When do these feelings go away. I WANT to trust him so badly, I want to love him the way he wants me to, I want to just make it all go away, but it wont. And I cant do that.

I just took a Xanax and my AD's, so I am hoping they will kick in soon.

momto3boys,

Just sit back and let him do the work. He has to earn it, it is not your task to give him back the trust that he has lost.

Trust & Love are earned.

So if you find out that OW has driven you car ... could you get a new SLK 350 ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

Recovery is HARD...

really REALLY hard...

You are grieving a very profound loss.

Just accept all the emotions you feel as valid, but do not make decisions while feeling emotional.

Grieving is very individual. You will grieve your own unique way.

That's about it. Sounds simple and yet not easy... yep, that's right.

Pep

Mom
Glad to hear you got a new mattress...I wouldn't stop there..I would have to move...It would drive me crazy to think that she went through my things.

I told you this before and I'm going to say it again because either you didn't read the post or just didn't get it. She's no longer OW...she's XOW!!! You need to refer to her just that way...

I really doubt your husband is going to mess this up again and have it revealed on national television. Think about it. I remember the first family-somehow Dr. Phil knew what Alex was up to and she lied about it. Whew..nothing like getting caught in front of millions of people.

I remember those nighmares..a terrible way to start the day. The worst were when they were laughing at me. Humiliating. I imagined that is what they did when they got away with yet again another deception. Because I've never done anything like this, I couldn't imagine what the conversations would be. I do remember my husband saying that she said, "If ever we're caught remember to lie, lie, lie." What a horrible way to live a life.

I'm going to warn you that the nightmares are a long time coming. Are you familiar with what the Bible calls "fiery darts" that satan throws at us? I think that is probably what he does in our dreams. Today I heard a lady on television say to a man, "I'm going to do what the devil doesn't do and leave you alone." It's an old expression that's true. I think that's where the "fog" comes in. We're deceived into thinking that something is so real when in fact it's destruction. I too believe God allows-not causes-but allows difficult times to come into our lives for a reason. We're shown how we can't do anything on our own and trusting in Him, He can see us through anything. (I love FaithinMe but I wish her name was FaithinGod) Remember those nightmares are a tool to destroy your family. It's easier to take when you know it's manipulation from the father of lies.

Getting to this point is very, very difficult but the road ahead is not much easier. You've got alot to assimilate. I remember I became hyper sensitive. I had to watch my motives and make sure I wasn't do anything that even hinted of revenge-i.e. trying to make him feel that pain I felt. Look at it as a sort of sacrifice on your part. I think about what you and Dad are going to do for so many people through Dr. Phil and it's staggering. If you approach this with the thought that your sacrifice was given to help others, I think it will help. Not that anything in the very slighest extreme can compare, but Jesus gave us that model to sacrifice for others. You are following His example. I would personally love to be in His presence one day knowing that I did what would honor Him.

Mom,

Unfortunately, your header says it all: hard times ahead in recovery.

Dad has turned a corner. That brings a whole new set of dynamics into play.

Task No. 1 is that dad needs to reassure you he is home to stay, no matter how long that takes (and it could take years, Dad, if you're reading this). That means he doesn't wonder aloud whether you'll ever get over this (cuz, frankly, you won't, not totally. I think Dad accepts this). And he has to verbally confirm that he's not going anywhere and apologize for putting you through this every time you wake up from a nightmare, or your heart races because you're leaving him alone to go see your dad.

Right now you are need reassurance several times a day from Dad. As time goes on, your needs will lessen as you become more confident in dad's commitment.

Some days you will be so sure that you will never heal that you will tell Dad you want a divorce to end the pain. Dad will need to gently resist this, and again, apologize for putting you in such great pain that you would end the marriage just to get away from it.

Some days you'll react badly to a trigger and perhaps fly off the handle with some rabid remark. Dad's job then will be to take it on the chin, give you a big hug, and apologize once again for creating that monster that wants to live in your heart forever, protecting you.

But if Dad keeps up his end, the monster will shrink with time, and eventually be just a suspicious gnawing in your brain every now and then.

Yep. Recover is hard. But I think you are both up to it.

~ Snow

I have not done anything wrong but my wife is expecting me to. She is going out of town to see her dad and I will be alone for the next two days. Already before she left she thinks I spoke to OW today. NOT. OW called my phone wich she has while she was on the road. That to her means I spoke to OW she must be calling back. NOT. Meanwhile she asked me to check her EMail for something and low and behold a sweet message from a man she was seeing last week. Says he is in town and wants to see her, that he is there for her just an e-mail away! Is this real or a ruse I wonder? Well she is feeling insecure and I am not helping matters by being distant in her eyes today. The trust is gone completely, she has now brought in more threats to the marriage in my view because now I have reason not to trust her completely anymore. She has every reason to leave me and now has fostered the interest of two men who obviously are willing. I feel painted into a corner. She can choose not to believe me anytime and effectively end the marriage. I love her and want us to survive but we are on such thin ice. I do not want to lose her and I need her here so I can comfort her but her mind is busy dreaming of betrayals. I want to reassure her that I absolutely will not run to OW under any circumstances. I also feel that if she keeps these guys in the wings our recovery will fail as I have no way of knowing what she is doing either. It is a mess.

dadto3boys,

Every action there are consequences ... you stray and you create this situation yourself. Now you know how she felt when you have your A and when you said to her to wait up.

Do you talk to OW ? do you listen to OW's VM ? those are the actions that under your control.

You two need to sit down ASAP. POJA ... to negotiate. Both of you need counseling fast.

-rh-

I have not spoken to OW at all. It does not seem to matter yet. Not enough time has passed. She feels insecure, has nightmares. Lets me go race for the day then thinks I was contacting OW. She is afraid to tell me not to go because it is my hobbie after I told her I would not if she felt threatened. Then she feels like I was contacting OW that day. Maybe she is gone and does not know it yet. These e-mails were very intense not casual at all. Women get more intimate through conversation and comfort and though she did not sleep with anyone physically, I know the affection and mental side is more intimate for the woman generally. She made the conscious effort to let them in. My thinking is she is gone or about to be.

dad---lets say your right and mom is gone or about to be......does that change the fact that you want to save your marriage???? you've been gone a long time and mom has not faultered on wanting to save it....shouldnt you?

you need to slowly stop focusung on you and shift the main focus to mom. if you want to save this your gonna bleed, if you want to earn her trust your gonna bleed, if you want to truely make it better---your gonna bleed. (making the connection this isnt gonna be all fun!?) yet it will be worthwhile!!!! just ask your children!

True enough focus on her and kids. got to go take em to school.

Dad --
I remember once reading that the WS just wants to move on after an A is over, and that is not to be.

Focus on your behavior and what you can do to assure her. Can you change and unlist phones so that OW can't call you?

Cherished

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
I feel painted into a corner. She can choose not to believe me anytime and effectively end the marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is NOT unique to your particular affair Dad.

Recovery is hard.

Do not complain about the corner you are in because, if you look down, you see the paintbrush in your own hand.

Nothing you say matters. Only the things you do, only your actions count.

Stop trying to talk your way out of the corner... you have to ~live~ your way out.

Pep

((((MOM))))

The offer is still on the table if you want help painting/re-decorating your br. It might help a little...if anything, it'll keep you busy for awhile (like, with 3 boys you weren't already busy enough).

Dad - Mom's gonna be scared for awhile. The fears she has are the consequences of the decisions you made for your family's life. It may be super frusterating - but it's finite. It will not last forever. If she didn't think you worthy of her love, you would not be there. Remember that when you get irritated.

- Kimmy

D23B,

I am sure M23B's was just letting you know about the e-mail but has no intentions of doing anything about it....of course your not holding to your part of recovery could affect a change in her decision at any time. I believe that she is committed to following through with recovery...it is a process and things won't be all rosy over night.

With you guys in the Dr. Phil program I doubt very seriously that she would make a fool of herself on national T.V. by pursuing an A herself. I am sure she was flattered by the attention and it helped her feel attractive and desirable again. She has lots more honor and integrity that to actually do anything with those guys. Of course, it probably feels pretty good to her after all she's been thorugh with you to know that there are at least a couple of guys ready to fill your shoes should you decide to go back to your A with OW.

I hope you will be steadfast in your commitment to remain in NC with OW. I hope you aren't trying to come up with justifications to break your renewed commitment to M23B. That is almost how your post sounded.

She will need lots of reassurance from YOU to learn to trust again. She is now a victim of post traumatic stress syndrome from your continuous lies and actions over the last 9 months or more.

This is a difficult time for her with her Dad. It is very hard for her to have you out of her sight. Bad enough that she has to go to SA without you but your going to the races without her and the boys had to be difficult for her.

The Bible says: Husbands love your wives...
You need to show her that you can be steadfast in your love for her now.

You can have a better more fulfilling marriage than you did before your A. It may take some time but it will be worth the effort. It will be good to hear when your family is really restored and the boys are secure in their intact family. You are in for some happy, fun times together.

Dad,

I can understand your fears. But I can assure you that Mom's heart and head are with you and your boys. Girlfriends talk very candidly especially when there are no threats.

Mom told me about the contact of her old BF and the Coffee guy (also an old school friend).
She has had NO CONTACT AT ALL with either of them since you recommitted to your marriage. In fact the contact with old BF she ended before.
She does not even mention them. She loves you Dad. She loves you and only YOU.
She speaks of this wonderful great man she married and how all this A stuff just killed her.
She KNOWS she will forgive you. She will never forget, but how could she? That does not mean you cant recover your marriage and have a much better one. Your marriage can be one that is not taken for granted. It is fragile (all marriages are) but strong.

She is having nightmares. Dad I remember the nightmares I had sfter my first H revealed his A. That was 17 years ago I remember those nightmares like they were yesterday. I had dreams I walked in on them and they just laughed at me. I had dreams of walking into a room full of people and having them all stare and start gossiping as I walked through the room I saw XH and OW making out in the corner. It goes on and on. The nightmares occured NOT while the affair was in place but when we were in recovery and in counseling. The nightmares are normal.

Mom called me last night choaking back tears (if you know Mom she does not cry easy). She thought you were back in contact, she said you became distant and she felt you pull away. She told me this at the hospital visiting her dying father. This is a horrible time for her right now. She adores her father and she knows in a very short time he will not be around.
Dad I would bet my first born that Mom will never betray you. She loves you and her commitment to your marriage is solid. You need to do what WH's have to do that is reassure her, continue what you have been it has helped her tremdiously. She will NOT walk away. She Loves you and her (your) sons. betraying you would be betraying her sons, she wont go there especially if you are committed to the marriage, which I do believe you are.

I even told her to go home tonight, she said she can't leave her father. He has an appointment with a doctor she needs to take him too. She needs to be there Dad. Forgiving an affair CAN be done (even if there is an OC) but forgiving stealing those last precious moments she has with the "other man" in her life (her father) could be more difficult for her to get past, you can't get that back.

Dad stay on track, Mom believes in you but she is affraid of getting her heart broke all over again. It's still raw but it will heal.

SOM

Thanks SOM, I spoke to her and we are staying on track. I know she wants for US to make it and I will continue to make her feel secure and not worry about anything else. Her Dad is very ill now and she needs my support.

Dad,

It isn't easy being in your shoes right now. It's almost like you won't be able to do anything quite right. That's because MT3B is in panic mode. Anything that smacks of a situation that at an earlier time resulted in contact with OW, well, she'll FEEL like it could happen again. And there's this little self-protective thing that clicks in and stubbornly whispers to the BS that not only CAN it happen, it probably IS happening and the BS is a fool again.

It took me several months to get past all of that, and my husband ended the affair on dday (thought there was contact off and on for several months). So you have to hanfg in there for the long haul, OK?

Just call her while she's in SAT with her dad and let her know you're thinking about her. Ask how its going. Tell her you wanted to reassure her that you are being faithful and that you're happy about it!

I agree with SOM.... those two other guys were props for mom's shaken ego. She'd much rather have you. You can take that to the bank. She might be getting some sort of stability with them being around, since the two of you have so much POJA to do, not the least of which has to do with Baby (if it's yours... and my money is on odds that it isn't!!!) But you can also POJA an end to contact with those guys as well. She might resist. And if she does, I would stand my ground but not feel real threatened.

Take care. I'll be watching for updates on your FIL.

~ Snow