Hi MBs,

Looking for some help and advice from other WHs for my H. He's having such difficulty with the emotional w/d from A and OP. Wants to 'do the right thing' and has stated he's chosen our marriage over the A. It's quite clear there's an internal struggle.

Still having diff w/ leaving her 'on her own', anticipating the mess she will make of her life - feels resp to her still, etc. (I have to stop here, bc I want that concern for me... trying to be understanding and patient, tho. inspite of this)

He's looked here, and has reg'd, but has not yet posted.

I want to help, but am really the wrong person. And depsite my desire for his relief and his happiness, am afraid my resentments could too easily cloud my help and advice and observations.

Besides, I'm sure he'd not actually see me as an authority on what he's going through...

thanks in advance,

restarting

bump

I am not FWH, I am a BS. However your concerns were the same as mine. My FWH felt so bad for the OW that he kept going back to help her out (Financially, emotionally, to "hang out" or to get her back of drugs AGAIN- which is what started all this). That and he was not sure who he wanted, he wanted us both, once I had made it clear that that was not going to fly with me (after 10 months, yes I was dumb) was when he stated he wanted the marriage, if for nothing else then the children (which is what I wanted to work on it for as well). I, too tried to be supportive to my H during his WD, let him cry on my shoulder, and did nice things for him, all of which were very draining on me. I am not sure if this will be at all helpful. What I finially had to do was back away from all the support for the WD from her, because it was killing me on the inside, and it was not fair to me, and really just confusing for my H (compounded his guilt). H still has times where he thinks about her and wonders how she is doing, or if he made the right decision, I refuse to talk with him about it, as it is not fair of him to put me in that place, to talk about a person who brought so much pain to my life.

The only person who can help him is himself. He needs to either go to counseling (which my H refused to do), or come here and talk or find a buddy or support group of someone who has been through this). Relying on you is just adding more stress to what you are trying to rebuild.
This is just my opinion, formed from experience. hope it helps.

bump

Restarting-

Welcome...

I'm a FWH. There are a couple of things to look at here. First, either it is an attempt at recovery and the w/d feelings are normal or he is covering for an ongoing A and doesn't want to let go.

If he's covering and not "wanting" to let go of the OW then you might have to go to more aggressive exposure and plan B type means.

If he "wants" to let go and end the A but is struggling with all the emotions around it then hang on because the ride is exhausting. ON BOTH OF YOU. The emotions he is going through are not just mental. They are physical. The physical w/d is similar to w/d from drugs! He will go through pain and heartache beyond what you would think.

He IS worried about the OW. Stupid, I know, but the feelings are normal anyway. Just read some of the posts. If you want to read some and need direction let me know and I will link some posts here. He is just making a normal mistake that most of us FWS's have made. Trying to let the OP down easy so that there are no hard feelings and everybody walks away with minimal pain and damage. It is a kind of weaning of the contact so that the emotions have time to let go. The problem is that it creates more of a mess than it helps. The addiction...and I do mean ADDICTION...doesn't stop until NC can be established.

That sounds so easy to the BS but it is life threatening to the WS. It sends cold chills down their spine and twists their stomachs into knots. If pressed...the panic from feeling like there is no way out can create feelings of hopelessness, depression and even suicide. The W/D is hell. BUT many of us have survived. It is possible and he will make it.

So what can you do? Try to be supportive. My W pushed me away and was no support at all. It about killed me. It about drove me back into the arms of the only one who still wanted me...the OW. So you can let him know that you will be there with him...for him... and will work on making your M one that nobody would ever want to leave again. Then point him to us. We will let him vent and tell him how to walk this out. It is hard on both of you, but God will walk this out carrying you most of the way.

Hold on... be supportative and keep working on the M. Love him.. He will realize his mistakes and return to you. The OW's hold is slipping and he will soon be free from her grasp. It actually speaks highly of him that he cares for her welfare. It's sick, fog talk... but it shows he has some character. He just needs free from the addiction.

God Bless... Your in my prayers

2scared

Restarting-

Read about some of the WS's struggling with letting go....

Waking up

Getting out of the fog (jet)

FWH's


See if any of this helps...

2scared

2scared:

I've been lurking and reading about your story and I too could use some of your insights. Brief story: My H left in July for about 5 weeks and lived with his brother. H came home full of love and committment and things were going great. H had told me when he left "not in love". Thought he figured it out but now I wonder. Still not in love and pulling away. No proof of A but there are secrets. Has his own account and keeps it secret.

Looked and found H has been doing a lot of lunches. H is home all evening and weekends. Very stressed at work but seems like there is more on his mind. He does not want to talk about R because I think it upsets him. Asked him the other day if he was committed to working this out and he said yes. Famous saying is I just need to work through some stuff and everything will be fine. Says he wants a future with me and kids.

I don't know what to do. He has denied an A, not gone enough to really think that he has but the lunches during the day are questionable and he has not told me about them I just found out. H says they are nothing. Is he in a fog??? Do I believe anything that he says?

If there were someone else, why would he then come back home and now put us through this all over again?

Any insight would be appreciated.

Married 8 years
Together 10
Recovery: ???????

i should also add that H tells me that he loves me all the time. Just are not getting the emotional committment from him. Even last week was much more loving than this week however we did have a big blow up because I confessed at looking at his check book.

H told me this morning everything is fine. It's not fine because I'm not sure where his heart is.

Hopefully someone can give me some insight on this.

My FWW told me last night that is it like the pain of losing a loved one BUT while everyone is supportive of the bereaved NO-ONE in the circle of acquaintance is supportive of a withdrawing WS.

She is ashamed that she feels bad for grieving for the affair, but can't help it. It was a BIG thing her telling me that.
She doesn't WANT to miss him, yearn for him but she DOES.

She wants it to stop but feels it bever will.

I held her and kissed her and told her every day will be a little less sad every day and that with love she WILL smile again.

It kills me but I must be sympathetic of her grief for the affair. Because I love her and she can't help it.
No advice, just an example.

All blessings.

Thanks all.

Hoping to get him to take a look here this evening.

2s, you posted:
It doesn't surprise me that he say's there is no OW. WS lie! Do you hear me...they lie and lie and continue to lie. That's the nature of the A. You have to lie to keep the two worlds apart. When they collide, you lie even more. It's only when you are forced to tell all that the truth begins to come out. I was a very honest person before the A, but during the A I lied about everything...the phone calls, the trips, the coldness. I lied. Even now I have struggles with truth. When asked difficult questions about OW I am tempted to lie to keep the W from the pain of my actions. I have to focus on being truthful. She deserves that.

Believe it or not, I sure needed to see that right now.

I've been behaving awful last night and today-- the lies and lies have worn me down. I need tobe able to trust him again! I need to know that he'll go to any lengths to restore that trust. When does it happen? What happened in your mind to convince you the effort you needed to put into it was worth the difficulty? How did you keep yourself on track? How do you do it today?

Restarting-

Wow... you have been reading. Good for you. Okay... I think one of the things that you're asking is how do you get your WH to start telling the truth and stop lying? There is a simple yet hard answer to that.

You have to make it safe for him to tell you the truth

How do you do that? When you ask a question... let's use an example like... "Did you buy the OW any gifts?" If he tells you and you get mad then you are encouraging him to continue lying. It's human nature. If he gets in trouble for telling the truth then it just encourages him to lie. Your response should be "It hurts me to know these things, but your honesty is important to me. Thank you for telling me the truth." Then don't "go off" on him.

If you want the truth you have to embrace his honesty...especially at first. You have go overboard appreciating the open communication. He has to feel that honesty is safe.

As you get more emtionally connected and the relationship is healing you can deal with how you feel about the issues. I know that is weird, but if you want honesty you have to create a safe place for him to express the truth. Otherwise, you will keep getting lies to protect you from the pain of the knowledge and him from the consequences of the truth.

You will have to tell him your plan up front. "I want you to feel like it's safe to tell me the truth. I know you will tell me things that will hurt both of us, but I will try not to punnish you for being honest."

Does this make any sense?

2scared

PJ-

Hmmmm. Secrets usually mean there is something to hide. My gut says "something" is going on. It might be an EA that hasn't turned PA. It might be at work or out of town. Cell phone logs... or is that private "for his eyes only"?

What should you do? IMHO... Plan A while you look for evidence of A. If you find evidence then expose the A. Most A's die within 6 months of exposure. In the mean time, Plan A. Why? Because you're trying to give hime reason to cling to you instead of running into the arms of the OW. Even if he goes to the OW he will remember your actions. It will touch his heart.

Should you believe him? If he has secrets...Nope. He's covering his actions with lies. You can bet on it. Lies. The other side is that the fog of the A causes him to say and do things that are not true...like tell you he doesn't love you. He might not really believe that. That might just be fog-talk.

Feelings and emotions are dynamic. They constantly change. Just because he feels one way today doesn't mean that's the way it is tomorrow. Life is about change and feelings and emotions change like mites on a chicken's butt (I just love that one). Hang in there!

Hold on... the ride is wild. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this.

2scared

2scared- AMAZING insight!

Please take a look at 'Need advice on refusal of NC' for how it's going down.

You are right. very right. I've frightened my friends and family in the past with how 'realistic' I am - not sympathetic or diplomatic, I'm afraid. Just kinda blunt. I really don't feel the criticism they assume, but just that they should look at it and see it for wht it is. So... they fear telling me.

I've always been there for EVERY ONE of them, with acceptance and love in moments of crisis - very level headed and non-judgemental, if they'd actually think about it. BUT, have been pretty 'judgemental' (see above - realistic) about little things (seeing, as I do, that how you handle little things give you a pretty good idea of how you'll handle the big things.

But, is it really that important to "be right" and to have them acknowledge it. That's my bug-a-boo. Thats what I need to release.

I'm right. They're right. It's their choice.

I have to let God have the reigns of the Universe, cuz I'm not doing the bang-up job I thought.

I look forward to a lot more advise from you. You've got wisdom and insight I need. Not just for this. I need it.

Restarting-

Aghhhh... So you're painfully blunt. To the point that everything is black and white, right or wrong. As a result, you feel it's your duty to expose injustice and state how it should be fixed even if your words hurt feelings. I raised a daughter just like that. She has incredible insight and decernment, but lacks tender compassion. As a result she polarizes the crowd. Sorry, I love her deeply, but she's my alter-ego.

I do not want you to feel that you have to bite your tongue instead of telling your honest feelings...I'm just saying that if you want your WH to tell you the truth; to expose the "whys" and deep feelings then you have to be supportative and create an atmosphere where he feels that exposing is safe. By safe I mean he won't get beat up and that the info won't be used against him over and over. It's okay to react...I would expect hurtful information to produce a hurtful reaction. But once you regain your composure thank him for the honesty.

By the way, my W did not do this. Everytime I told her more information she would get angry and more distant. The information would cause more bitterness and coldness and then be used against me. That didn't make me want to share from my heart. She's a long way from forgiveness. BUT... there is nothing I have done was NOT covered by the blood of Jesus. Perhaps with time my W....

2scared

2S:

yep. You got me pegged. That is an issue I believe I will need CONTINUED work on. The last year has humbled me. I have searched and searched for guidance to attain true compassion. I am a better person for it, too.

The A crushed me. And yes, Dday is like you imagined: it is indeed like losing a loved one to death. Your H is gone. Your M is gone. And even YOU are gone, bc these things defined you! Everything you 'knew' is gone. But isn't that OK, after all? Bc you didn't really KNOW, did you? Even as a BSs, we were living in a fantasy, bc in reality, we and our M were damaged and we didn't see it. Sounds morose.

It is Morose.

But the 'silver lining' is in the repair of what's GOOD in us both,what is GOOD in our marriage, and in excising all the rotten parts and refusing to nurture them - kill the rotten parts.

Surrounded pledged NC yesterday and committment to us and our marriage. I have alot of hurts to get over yet, and he has W/D to go through... I keep trying to keep my focus on the glorious future we have the potential for to keep the pain at bay.

I don't know how he will achieve this. That's why I started this thread.

I take you advice and be there to comfort him....

Restart-

You're doing great! Is it easy? No! It's a long road filled with up's and down's but God will give you the patience and strength to make it. You need to keep talking, and working. Don't look too far out there. What are you going to do to repair the M tomorrow. One day at a time. Sometimes it's 5 full steps forward...sometimes its 3 forward and 2 back. Just keep getting up and walking one day at a time.

So, what will YOU do tomorrow to improve the M?

I'm praying,

2scared