My wife is going away on a business trip with OM, this week. I found some new lingerie that she bought on Friday and hid in her drawer. When I asked her about it, she said that it was a suprise for me to rebuild our intimacy. I told her that I wanted to believe her, but I was having a hard time with it.

She said that she had a wonderful weekend with me, but that was all overshadowed by the fact that I had ruined the suprise and assumed that she would be taking this with her on her trip.

She says that she wants to work on our marriage and is prepared to do that, but that she doesn't want to have her "mistakes" thrown in her face everyday. I do bring up the A when we talk about things, but I really do try to do so in a respectful way and only to tell her how I'm feeling.

She says that her and OM aren't an issue and that she has chosen to work on our marriage, although her and OM talk about how things are going in her M.

She doesn't want to quit her job -- because she says that right now, it's the only thing that makes her happy. She says that she will move to another department as soon as possible.

I have a few questions and want opinions please:

1) Is it possible to talk about my feelings about things right now without making her feel like I'm attacking her? Should I be keeping things to myself for right now?

2) Am I focussing too much on the A? She says that she's trying to rebuild the intimacy and that I'm too focussed on the A. She says that they don't even go out to lunch anymore, but they still talk. As a matter of fact, she called him from her cell phone on Friday.

I hope this post makes sense. I'm exhausted. I hope everyone here has a good nights sleep. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone here.

Rykon,

I'm a FWW who had an EA.

You have all the reason in the world to feel exhausted, uncertain and doubtfull about your W’s intentions and behavior. Why? Because:

1. She is still in deliberate contact with the OM at work and otherwise,
2. She still phones him, talks to him, etc.
3. She still talks to him about your M!!! (this indicates an Emotional Affair),
4. She doesn’t want to find another job,
5. And on top of it, she’s going away on a business trip with OM this week!!!

I’m sorry, but your W is 'cake eating' and acting extremely selfish and uncaring towards you. It seems if she doesn’t care about your feelings at all and it also seems she isn’t really committed to the recovery of your M... If she was, she wouldn’t be in deliberate contact with OM (phoning, talking etc.) and she would be willing to look out for another job. Her behavior is unacceptable and you should not tolerate this any longer.

Recovery is only possible if there is NO CONTACT between the affair partners. 'Accidental' or strictly professional contact while still working at the same company is understandable, but OM and your W contact each other deliberately and doesn't keep it professional and strictly business. You can’t start to rebuild trust in your W while she’s still in this type of contact with the OM. That’s why you feel so unsure about the lingerie and her true intentions. Your feelings and reactions is totally normal under the circumstances and until your W makes drastic changes in her behavior and end this A with OM (at the least she is still having an EA with him), she can’t expect your to feel and react otherwise.

Good luck,
Suzet

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 03:40 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Rykon, also read the response I’ve send to you on your other thread: ”WW A with co-worker. Can she still work after A? “ (In case you haven’t read it).

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 03:27 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suzet*:
<strong>
You have all the reason in the world to feel exhausted, uncertain and doubtfull about your W’s intentions and behavior. Why? Because:

1. She is still in deliberate contact with the OM at work and otherwise,
2. She still phones him, talks to him, etc.
3. She still talks to him about your M!!! (this indicates an Emotional Affair),
4. She doesn’t want to find another job,
5. And on top of it, she’s going away on a business trip with OM this week!!!

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rykon- I completely agree with Suzet. Your marriage will NOT be able to recover until there is NO CONTACT. That means NONE!

Are you guys in MC?

Thank you both very much.

Sadfww - Yes. We are/were in MC. The last session, our MC gave her a month to decide what she wanted to do, work on the marriage and end things with OM or not. She was very upset by this, but didn't officially "make a decision."

I was thrown for a loop yesterday when she said that she was working on the M. That's why I brought up the stuff about the A. I told her that I didn't know she had made a decision to work on the marriage and have NC with OM.

I think she slipped, though. She said that she would still talk to OM even if she didn't work with him. Not a huge confidence builder.

I'm all about plan A, but I don't think that I can make it a whole lot longer in limbo-land. You're right, she is cake-eating.

Suzet*,

Do you still feel like you are "in love" with the OM? I'm trying to understand what my W would experience. Thanks.

You may want to convey to your W that even though you can't and won't force her to have NC with the OM, your love for her will eventually die and then it won't matter how much she wants to save the marriage because you simply won't care anymore. Ask her if she wants that to happen and leave her alone to ponder the question.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rykon:
<strong> Suzet*,

Do you still feel like you are "in love" with the OM? I'm trying to understand what my W would experience. Thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it's now 7 months since I don't feel I'm "in love" with OM anymore. However, it was a long and hard path to get there. It took me 18 months to get through withdrawal and reach the point where I could say I'm rid of most of the residual feelings towards OM. If you have read my post on your other thread, you will see I've explained how working at the same company and having 'accidental contact with OM made it very difficult for me to get through withdrawal and get rid of those romantic feelings. This is why it is so important for your W to have NC with OM and find another job. NC is crucial for recovery and if she can get away from her company, her personal recovery, your recovery and the recovery of your M will be so much faster. Because I'm still working at the same company, I'm always on 'guard'. There is always a chance that feelings might get rekindled. Once boudaries have been crossed there is no turning back and this is another reason why your W can't stay 'friends' with OM and have this continuous contact with him. This 'door' must be locked completely and permanently.

Suzet

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet...

Don't want to thread-jack but can you let me know if you have your story here. I had an EA too so it would be nice to read about a similar experience.

Thanks!
Carol

Chackler/Carol, a while back I've shared most part of my story on this thread. You're welcome!

Suzet

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Rykon,
First, I feel your pain, man!
If she got the nightie for you, it doesn’t sound like she was very anxious to use it with you?! UGH!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I think you busted her!! Always remember that a good defense is to go on the offense ; it sounds like she has used this strategy a few times! She has a lot of nerve putting you down for mentioning the A and using that as your fault in a stumbling block in recovery & she refuses the no contact thing?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What is wrong with this picture?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It sounds to me that she is somewhat self-centered here, man!!

I believe she has really taken control here. What is so bad about being the BS in this situation is that the WS now has the attention of you Plus her OM – her ego is being fed, big time – And after the A is out in the open & she has not felt too much pain, it sounds like she is almost cocky about making her little demands as to how she wants to be treated and how this potential recovery will occur. Sounds a lot like my X! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
These problems are compounded when you feel like your world has just fallen apart. I know in my case, I was pretty much dysfunctional for a while. This is the double edged sword. You feel like you have been run over by a dump truck & naturally not to confident; while the OM is not at all emotional harmed, maybe even validated & is still going strong – so he has an advantage over you by comparison – you have been kicked in the stomach & are down, this is not an appealing posture for you! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> This is the challenge, to pick yourslef up & make a fight, so to speak, if for nothing else, but your self-respect! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I like TooMuchCoffeman’s reply. –- I remember reading that love is actually or should be, “conditional” – I believe it would be very unnatural to continue showing a devotion & love towards someone that is not returning that attention & is actually dis-respectful. Otherwise, you end “enabling” her actions. No matter what you don't want to become dis-respectful towards her. ... Firm, but fair.

This leads to discussion of “Setting Boundaries”(For yourself) – Ultimately you cannot control another person’s actions of course, but you can communicate to them what you will tolerate, so to speak & given certain things they do, the probable actions you will take. She has choices – so do YOU!

I remember reading that one theory is to let the A go on & it will die of natural causes – I think one aspect of that is that the secrecy of it all adds to the charge & when that is gone, the A may not be as exciting. However, it sounds like they may have the secrecy of this at their work. Yikes!! There is also the theory that the extra hormonal charge that comes with a new infatuation starts to die off in six months and what was new & different becomes more of a routine. Otherwise, I believe the logic is sound and in fact I understand that most MC will say that you cannot in fact work on the marriage when the A is ongoing … NO Contact Makes Sense! DAHH!! Only someone that wants to have their cake & eat it too could argue otherwise!

I agree – voluntary discussions (about your M! or otherwise!) – cell phone calls – business trip together – These are all diffinate signs that she has not dcided to work on your marriage and is keeping the A alive!! What is different now compared to before? I guess you can confirm they have not been physical. The physical aspect I believe can be another aspect for additional charge – they may end up in different and odd places maybe ?? – sick, but true – Not the same as a routine at homefor example.

The counselor is suggesting a month for her to decide – How do you feel with this time frame? I think you can decide how much time is right for you for her her to make up her mind!
I would highly recommend seeing a counselor on your own to help figure this out, as it is a very heavy load!!

Best of Luck, man! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
HH

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>