It's been over 5 months since d-day, 5 months since WH moved out. Our first child is due in 8 weeks. Things have improved; he is not seeing OW, he is very nice to me, he stops by the house to see me and hang out with me, he has started to help me out a lot more with the dogs and the house, he helped my parents and grandmother with some stuff, he is going to Lamaze classes with me, he has told me he thinks about coming home, BUT still nothing.

I am left home alone night after night. I am tired, depressed and now I am getting sick. How patient are we suppose to be? We last talked about our R one month ago and that went well, sort of. He told me he thinks about coming home and working on our M but doesn't have time right now due to being too busy at work. Obviously just an excuse. Since then absolutely nothing. I want to bring it up again, but can't seem to find the right time or way to broach the subject. Plus things seem to be going good and I hate to do anything to have us take a step backwards right now. However, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I really feel for your situation with the baby coming so soon and all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told me he thinks about coming home and working on our M but doesn't have time right now due to being too busy at work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WW uses this one all the time with everyone. No time for counseling, to work on M, to be a W,etc etc blah blah blah..... The truth is she doesnt have any trouble finding time when she needs to drive 1000mi to see OM and sub in a job that pays not even enough to cover travel. hmmmmm.... Are you sure he is not seeing OW anymore. Has he sent a NC letter? It sounds like you've got a cake eater but I could be wrong. JMO..

At any rate if he has promised NC and is truly having NC then working on the M shouldn't be a problem. When he says that he doesn't have time maybe you could babble back that you understand and that you no longer have any time either. Don't explain, then pull back and watch him squirm. He needs to know that you are hurting and his fence riding cannot go on forever. Maybe if he thought that he would not be there for the birth of his child due to his selfish indecision he would do some thinking.

Have you set the time limit for your Plan A? How much more can you take? Of course, I understand if you really need his assistance in the birth of your child. Just my thoughts. I Wish you and your child well.

C.

I'm not 100% sure he isn't seeing OW, they do work together and we have never talked about it. But the few times we have skirted the issue, he talks about it in the past, he tells me what he's doing lots of times and it is with people that I could easily check with and he knows that. Sometimes he goes out of his way to tell me who he is doing things with, I never ask. If he is seeing her it's not on the weekends. So, I really don't think he is seeing her.

Earlier I thought about not letting him be there for the birth but I can't do that. I promised myself, and him, that I would not use the baby between us and if I threatened that I would be going back on that. Plus I really need him there. There is no one else that I could imagine having at the delivery and he has been so good at Lamaze classes (which he first brought up going to).

I have told myself I can't make any decisions about my future until the baby gets here, so January is when I have given myself to re-evaluate my situation and figure out where to go from there.

Our biggest problem is we are are horrible communicators. I need to find a way to bring up the R talk again with him, he seems open to it, if I am the one that starts the discussion. WH is going out of town on business this weekend and that is when my family is throwing me a baby shower. I think I will invite him over for dinner when he gets back to see all the stuff we get for the baby and then try to find a way to bring up the discussion.

7 months pregnant, tired, depressed and getting sick on top of it all is not a good combination for me tonight. I just want to crawl into bed but I know I won't be able to sleep right now.

Two months to go Kloe, you're almost there!

I agree wholeheartedly with you about letting him help with the birthing, I also agree with the Lamaze classes together and all that. It takes two to raise a child, and thank God that your baby will have the both of you, regardless of your marital outcome.

There are a few things I don't agree with but your right, wait until after the baby comes. 7 months pregnant is no time to change things now.

I hope to see you become more outspoken and passionate. You have it in you, I know you do. You are being so darn complacent now that it drives me crazy, because I am the opposite.

But there is time after the baby comes to work on that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope you get some rest tonight.


weaver

I know my baby needs a father, no matter what. My father died before I was 5 years old and I don't want my child to grow up like that. Plus I know he will be a wonderful father, he is so good with all of our nieces and nephews. They like him more then me!

I know I need to be more outspoken and passionate. I just need to figure out how. The last time I spoke out and took a risk it went alright, so I need to do it again. Of course knowing what you need to do and actually doing it are two very different things. Funny how we can be so different at home and at work.

8 weeks seems so close some days it's overwhelming. Those are the days I'm usually scared to death to be home alone when I go into labor. Other days I can't wait for my baby to get here so I can hold her and love her. The nursery is all set up ready for her. Some days I go sit in the room and think about what it will be like to met her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I need to be more outspoken and passionate. I just need to figure out how. The last time I spoke out and took a risk it went alright, so I need to do it again. Of course knowing what you need to do and actually doing it are two very different things. Funny how we can be so different at home and at work.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said it. That's me as well. At work I can make tough decisions all day long. At home I seem incapable of doing what I know I need to do - in my case, that's exposure.

Hang in there Kloe. I can't imagine trying to deal with all this while being pregnant (well, actually I can't really imagine what it is like to be pregnant since I'm a guy, but...),

thinking good thoughts for you.
-BS

Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you start to feel better. It won't be much longer till we hold our sweet blessings our arms. Take care of yourself.

Tina

I had a very nice weekend. My relatives were in town and threw me a beautiful baby shower. They were more then generous and made me feel very loved. Not many of WH's side of the family showed up at the shower, not sure how to interprete. His Mom was there so that was nice.

But last night the depression started to set back in and I feel horrible. To top it off, I am still sick but can't take any time off work this week until maybe Friday.

WH was out of town on business this weekend, he got back this morning. He might come over tonight to see all the stuff we got for the baby. I want to find the nerve to confront him and see what his intentions are at this point. Unfortunately, being sick, tired and depressed is probably not the best state of mind for this discussion. I just know I can't keep putting it off.

Kloe - is there anything you've ever been a part of that made you feel alive and wonderful? Doing crafts, or helping the needy, or being part of some sort of group?

Being stuck in indecision SUCKS - but you're choosing to be stuck in HIS indecision. Make the choice to get your own life. I know you're very pregnant right now, but unless you've been given doctors orders to stay in bed, you're still very capable of DOING things.

I read a great book on stress - and it said that many time people with cronic depression can heal themselves by finding something to do that creates good feelings in them. Usually giving of themselves for others. Because when we spend too much time looking inward, we can lose sight of everything there is out there to find joy in.

I'm not saying you're chronically depressed. You have many good reasons to feel sad and frustrated. But the question is - do you want to stay that way? You CAN pull out of this! I know you want to! So make the decision to make changes in your life and continue to move forward. He'll either come along for the ride - or stay stuck. That's his choice.

I do keep busy and had made my own life over the last 5 months. It's just so lonely. I was around family all weekend, but Sunday night I came home to an empty house (that's a mess) and could feel the depression creeping in. I'm so exhausted now and work is so busy that it's all I can do. I have so much I have to get done at work in the next 7 weeks before I am out, plus all the stuff that needs to get done for the baby.

Before this mess I use to volunteer with a dog rescue organization. We use to foster stray dogs until we found them homes, but right now I couldn't handle another animal. I'm already taking care of our two large dogs and four cats by myself.

Being sick for the last week and a half doesn't help, I'm up half the night coughing and I can't take anything. I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I hate that. Every time I start feeling better and stronger I seem to take a step backwards.

((((((Kloe))))))

I guess someone heard all my whining about how tired I was. They had to shut down the power to my office buiding for an emergency repair all afternoon so we all got to go home at 2 pm. I am going to take a nap!

Good signs? I'm not sure. WH was away for business last weekend and took the red eye back Monday. Monday evening he come over to see all the stuff we got for the baby at our baby shower. Tuesday evening he stopped over to do the cat box, I was making dinner so he ate with me. Last night was Lamaze class which is always nice because most of the relaxing techniques involve masaging, touching and holding. He even felt my belly (for the first time) to see if he could feel the baby kicking. Today I dropped one of our cats at his Moms house on my way to work so he could take her to the vet. Today he is going to the beach with our dogs. He is going by himself, he made a point to tell me that more then once. He'll be back on Sunday to go to the Redskins game, and he told me who he was going with even though I didn't ask. I'm hoping he is going to use this weekend by himself to do a lot of thinking and figure out what his plans are for the future. What do you think?

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: kloe72 ]</small>

I totally feel where you are coming from. I am very new to the site and was looking for someone in a similar situation as me. My husband started an affair in June of '04. I had our daughter in August. I didn't find out about his affair unitl after the birth, and he also works with the other woman. He says he has not spoken to her since I confronted him about the affair. He says he really wants to work things out and we have been in counseling for the last month. All of the emotions you are feeling, I'm with you. All I can say is that you are a very strong, amazing woman! What you are going through right now, is more than anybody should have to. Try to focus on your baby, I know that my daughter brought me a lot of joy, and helped me focus on something other than my misery. Hang in there! I'll be thinking of you!

Limi - I'm sorry to hear that there is yet another person who had to suffer through this. How are you and your H doing? Do you have a seperate thread going?


Yesterday was actually another good day. I got back from lunch with family around 3 pm and WH was here taking care of the lawn. When he was done he came in we watched the MD football game and then the Michigan game. By then it was 8 pm and I was starving. So we went and got dinner. After we paid the check we just sat at the table for another 45 minutes talking. He brought me home and went to get something out of the garage. He then came inside to watch the end of another game. It was after 10:30 after he left. It was so nice to spend the day with him and not be lonely.

We both went to the Redskins game today, seperately. I went because my step-father couldn't go at the last minute. I called and told him I was there. Once we were both in the stadium he called me and told me where he was sitting so I could wave to him.

He said he will come over on Tuesday night after he votes and then Wednesday is our last lamaze class.

Change in plans WH is coming over NOW to show me some pictures he took of our dogs. We'll see how long he stays...

Hey there Kloe. I hope you're doing well. No I don't think I have a separate thread. I don't quite know how to navagate that well yet....I hope everything went well the other night. How are you doing and feeling? I only replied to your post, because I wanted you to know how strong I think you are being. As for me, I'm not quite sure. I found out on 9/11/04 about the A. I had to search his phone bill, because I suspected. I am sooo angry and even more hurt. I feel like my heart is broken and I don't know how to make it whole again. After he was caught, he kind of freaked out because I told him it was over between us. I made him leave the house, and he went to his moms. I don't know what that week did for him. We talked numerous times via e-mail, and he came over every night to see the baby, but I didn't want him to stay. We went to our first MC session two weeks after, and we went out for dinner and decided that he should come home, if we were going to work on it. Things were going OK, I was still upset, but trying to move forward. I think I tried to fast, because for the last two weeks, I actually feel like I'm getting worse. I feel like I wasn't good enough for him to give me his best. He did all of this while I was pregnant. If he is that selfish, what kind of person am I dealing with? I have been crying myself to sleep for the last week, and he is having a hard time watching me be so upset. I feel like I can't control it. I want to forgive him, but I just don't have it in me right now. I don't know. We have been going to the counselor separately now for two weeks. I hope that will help me move forward. I just don't understand why he did this and I feel like my whole marriage is a joke. If he could do this to me during a time that is supposed to be the happiest time of our life, then what else is he capable of?????? I feel really bad for you, just like I do for me, in that now every time I think about the birth of my daughter, this stupid woman is a part of it. That upsets me like you wouldn't believe. There is a little more to my story, but I don't want to put you to sleep with the 10 page post! Just hang in there. I'm trying, and I hope these men are worth it!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Limi - What has helped me was to focus on what was wrong in the M prior to the A. I see the problems that led up to it. While there is no excuse for what WH did, I now see what a bad place we were in. While we got along and never fought we allowed ourselves to drift apart and have seperate lives. We stopped sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other, and that left us open to this situation. I am not blameless in this situation, I didn't know how to be a good wife. They say if you can get through this, chances are you will have a much stronger better R then ever before. You might want to cut and paste what you wrote to me in a seperate thread so you can get advice and feedback from others here.

Thanks for the advise. I'll try it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />