I was rereading my plan B letter after the improvements where suggested by all here. I have a question, why in the beginning does it sound like i am taking the total blame for all of this mess? She the one who went and sought out the affair. She was the one who wasn't telling me that she was falling out of love with me. Is there a reason why it is suggested that we the BS take the blame for WW actions in this letter. True i didn't meet a lot of her emotional needs but Why does it sound like i am taking the fall for the mess we are in?
Is this so it will not give the impression to WW that you are not finger pointing??
Any one with any answers?
jets

They need to know that if they were to return to you, you would be focusing on your own faults and not just your indignation over the A. That you realize affairs happen when people have unmet needs, and that you're sorry for any you failed to meet that made the M vulnerable to an A.

That part is tricky, I agree. I was careful in mine, saying that I was sorry I "helped" make the affair possible, that I made it "easier" for my W to cheat.

GC

Thanks Graycloud
That does make sense now. It is to show them that i am working on my issues,in effort to try and make myself and possible reconcilliation better.
I had someone read it and they had the same comment, why is it that i was taking all the blame, i just replied at the time not knowing, that it was to prevent finger pointing impression to WW.
jets

Jets, finger pointing is never a good thing. My therapist taught me the most productive way to talk is "I statements" this never puts your spouse on the defensive.

EX. I fill insulted and controlled when you talk to me that way. Instead of, YOU, are being controlling and rude.

I think a plan B letter should be full of I statements rather than finger pointing. Your W will find this all LB if you finger point, instant defense and instant justification for her behavior.

You want to show her, you are accountable for your part in the state of your M pre-A. You want her to know you love her and you want your M, but you will not accept her cake eating. When she is reading to commit fully to your M, you will take her back, until that time, she will get nothing from you, because it hurts you too much.

KY

Thanks KY,
Weather WW will admit to it or acknowledge it, she is cake eating now. She keeps saying she more comfortable now that this cloud isn't hanging over us. my opinion is she is just happy because she is getting what she wants.
I don't know sometimes i wonder maybe she really has fallen out of love with me. Why in the past years would she actively seek attention be it emotional or physical from other men. Maybe i have been just to trusting and blind to see it.
She keeps throwing that I don't know what the future will hold for us or i don't know how my feelings will be with you in few mo. but i am not throwing away the key on us.
Then contradicts herself by saying just if things don't work out with OM doesn't mean i am going to come running back to you, wouldn't be fair to you. Fog talk.
I think i need to get her out of here, hopefully Sun.
jets

I was rereading my plan B letter after the improvements where suggested by all here. I have a question, why in the beginning does it sound like i am taking the total blame for all of this mess?
Don't know?
You should post the rewritten letter so we can see if it looks like you are taking all the blame.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why in the past years would she actively seek attention be it emotional or physical from other men. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the key to her A. She needs to figure this out, analyze herself. The state of your M and this Q is the answer to why she had the A.

Maybe self esteem, she only feels good when OM are complimenting her. She might be looking to others to make her feel good, instead of looking within her self, and feeling her own worth that God has blessed her with.

After all these years, you could not make her worthy anymore, it just wasn't enough, and maybe this OM started to make her feel worthy, and feel good again, so she went with it. Knowing it was wrong, but yet it felt so good she couldn't break free.

Just talking from my experience. It isn't fair to put that much on a person. I was giving my H sole responsibility for my happiness and feeling of worth. He could not do it, nobody can, I thought OM was for awhile, until I felt the weight of the sin on my shoulders.

I believe all A's will die a slow death. I find it hard to believe any couple can make it work starting out this way. It is all fun and games an A. When you put reality and the mix of the stress of ending your M, I just see DOOM!!!!


I think I'm rambling, sorry.

Post your revamped Plan B. I'm thinking Chris is the one everybody always talks about when it comes to Plan B letters. Now that you have Chris' attention go with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Praying for you Jets.
BTW, did the Jets win?? I love the Jets. I'm from MI, not much to root for here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The Lions record now is a mystery to me.

KY

Hey Chris,
Here is the revised plan B letter.

My Dear WW,
First off let me apologize if this seems so formal but I wanted it to be legible for you.
I apologize to you for my part in creating the environment initially that helped make your affair with OM possible. I was too ignorant to see our relationship had problems. I took you for granted in the fact that I didn’t meet your most important emotional needs, hugging, kissing, cuddling and the love you in the morning. I made a lot of mistakes in respecting you and your feelings. I didn’t give you what you have longing for the most and we now both have to suffer for my mistakes.
It is painful for me to sit here and have to write this, because of the love I still and always will have for you. It is heart wrenching, knowing that you are with OM in ways that I would like to be with you and long for. It is so painful for me that this is part of the reason why I am writing this letter. I do not want to lose what love I have in my heart left for you. I will look back on the 14 years as well as the 20years I have known you and try to think of only the great and wonderful times that we shared. I have learned what was wrong with us over last year through our talks and counseling and my readings and I will try to not do these things again but I cannot change history.
I am willing to and have been trying to avoid the mistakes that I have made in the past. I have been trying to meet you’re most important emotional and all around needs to the best of my ability. I am willing to continue to try and do these things and try to create a new life for both of us and our family. Your relationship with OM is too painful for me to continue to be in the picture.
So then rather than bring in an intermediary and involving someone else in our problems, which is not fair for them. I will only be talking to you as a co-parent for our two beautiful kids, not as a former husband. I will be cordial and polite to you in front of you and the kids when contact is unavoidable. Understand though I will try to avoid contact with you as much as possible initially through this separation. I believe when picking the kids up or dropping them off from school or your apt. you should just send them in or drop them off 15 mins. Prior to me getting home and not be present when I arrive. I will not help you financially, we will split bills, and expenses for the kids as was agreed in the separation agreement. For the sake of A and J I am asking you to attend their sporting events and other activities without OM
As we discussed before and legally noted I do not want OM present in your apt. while you have ds and ds with you for the week through this separation time. I asked this out of respect for me as their father. I ask you to respect my decision to separate this way.
You must know about the pain and the suffering I have endured because of your continual relationship with OM and your feelings for him. I simply cannot handle knowing that you are with him emotionally and physically. I still love you and always will and have to try and not see you as much under these conditions. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM and are willing to make the measure of No Contact At All with him, write a no contact letter to him and seek either individual counseling or Marriage counseling, and build on my trust so that we once again can achieve as better, open, and honest relationship. I will then talk/ discuss reconciliation with you and our future together.
.
I loved you when we first married 14 years ago and continue to love you up to this day. I do not know what the future will hold for the both of us. I have not closed the door on us to reconcile, just as you have not I hope. I just cannot agree with this situation and your relationship with OM and allow my help to you as long as you are with him. He holds a higher priority in your life now than me.
I hope you take this letter seriously because this is what I believe I need to do to protect my feelings for you and to protect our marriage and our family from further harm.
Take care of yourself.
I will be praying for you.

With all my love,
jets

KY,
I think you are close to hitting nail on head with WW and self esteem issues. She has never been happy with her wt. It has never really bothered me, but maybe it that or something else.
But i agree she has a lot of issues that she needs to look at. She knows this too but cont.in relationship with OM.
Jets did win yesterday now 5-0 but play New England next week so we will see.

Plan B is not a “divorce” letter.
It is not a “have a happy life without me” letter.
It is a love letter. It should not contain LoveBusters.

Use this as a guideline.
Six paragraphs. Not too long, not too short. The entire letter should be around one side of a page.
Don’t jump around. Keep it very clear.

1 – I love you.
2 – I made mistakes in the marriage. I apologize and I am working on these issues.
3 – Your affair hurts me. I will not have contact with you until you end your affair. This is not to hurt you but protect my love for you.
4 –Contact will be through “friend”. I will not keep the kids from you at all. Give a visitation schedule.
5 – I know we can rebuild everything better than before.
6 – I love you.

A few comments about your letter specifically.
You start off apologizing. Talk about why you love/married her

I have learned what was wrong with us over last year through our talks and counseling and my readings
Readings? Were you going to a psychic?

and I will try to not do these things again
But you might do these things again? Be positive. Change it to “I am learning how relationships work and I am working on not doing these things anymore.”

but I cannot change history.
Don’t point out that it sucked and you can’t do anything about the past. Leave this out.

“I am willing to and have been trying to avoid the mistakes that I have made in the past. I have been trying to meet you’re most important emotional and all around needs to the best of my ability.”
Change to “your”. “You’re” is “You are”.
Also, leave out “to the best of my ability.

Start a new paragraph here. “Your relationship with OM is too painful for me to continue to be in the picture.”

So then rather than bring in an intermediary and involving someone else in our problems, which is not fair for them.
This is kinda confusing. You write “rather than bring in an intermediary”. She is reading this letter and has no idea what you mean by this unless she has read “Surviving An Affair”, where an intermediary is talked about. Leave it out.
Why can’t you use an intermediary (your/her parents?)

I will only be talking to you as a co-parent for our two beautiful kids, not as a former husband.
You are not a former husband. Leave it out. You do not want to be a former husband. You are still 100% committed to the marriage.

I will be cordial and polite to you in front of you and the kids
Leave this out. Just be cordial and polite anytime you are around her.

Understand though I will try to avoid contact with you as much as possible initially
Initially? But later in the separation you will resume contact? Change it to, “I will have no contact with you except where it directly concerns the children.”

I believe when picking the kids up or dropping them off from school
You “believe this” or this is what you would like to happen?

As we discussed before and legally noted I do not want OM present in your apt. while you have ds and ds with you for the week through this separation time.
But it is okay if he is around any other time outside of the apartment?

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM and are willing to make the measure of No Contact At All with him, write a no contact letter to him and seek either individual counseling or Marriage counseling, and build on my trust so that we once again can achieve as better, open, and honest relationship. I will then talk/ discuss reconciliation with you and our future together.
Much too much. Simply tell her you will speak with her again when she ends the affair and is willing to end all contact with om.

He holds a higher priority in your life now than me.
I hope you take this letter seriously because this is what I believe I need to do to protect my feelings for you and to protect our marriage and our family from further harm.
All this is LoveBusting. Leave it out.

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

OK thanks Chris will
revise this again. Again she wants to be legally seperated more or less for protection against custody rights of the kids. Feels she would lose this if she just walked out if we never are able to reconcile. I have told her i want it joint, but she is still not too sure i mean what i say. That a switch.
jets