WW and I went into MC right after D-day and it was mostly a waste of time. I realized later that it was not productive because she was still actively egaged in the affair.

My question is...can MC be productive if the WS is foggy? in withdrawl? actively trying to rekindle the A? or is this exactly the right time to be in MC?

Thanks,
BS

Not sure the right answer, but me and my WH went to MC right after D-day and it was horrible. There are so many bad counselors out there who do nothing to try and save the M. So the person you went to could have been a problem as well as timing.

There is that possibility as well. The last time I saw our conselor she basically told me not to waste my time waiting for my WW to "come around." I never went back. The counselor didn't specialize in recovering from affairs, or even marriage counseling for that matter.

In my situation, W was still with OM when she wanted to start going to counseling with me.
Didn't work too well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Not only is it a waste of time but it serves the foggy WS well because it gives him/her the excuse that he/she tried but that saving the marriage and falling in love with his/her spouse is not possible.

A great question !

I think some high quality MC will be useful for us at some time, but not yet. FWW refused when if fog saying " I don't want to do my laundry with strangers".

Eventually though if we found the right MC she might change her mind.

We have the extra challenge that in the UK there is no pro-marriage MC service.
RELATE is the standard service but is a negotiation service rather than MC.

Maybe Steve or Penny should train someone up over here. It would make a fortune AND provide a desperately needed service.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Befuddled Spouse:
<strong> WW and I went into MC right after D-day and it was mostly a waste of time. I realized later that it was not productive because she was still actively egaged in the affair.

My question is...can MC be productive if the WS is foggy? in withdrawl? actively trying to rekindle the A? or is this exactly the right time to be in MC?

Thanks,
BS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Being anywhere you don't want to be never does a whole lot of good for anyone.

Shortly after D-day my wife didn't want anything to do with counseling. Counseling was supposed to help the marriage but she didn't want to be married anymore. I think my wife was looking for the counselor to tell her/us that we should divorce but she didn't. She told my wife you cant have three people in a marriage and that she should end the affair. That was the last session we had together for over a year.

Like TMCM said it also just gives the WS the ability to check the "counseling" box. They can then say "we went to counseling and we still didn't make it work."


God Bless

Doug

Okay. So if we can consider 5 unanimous responses as representative of this forum we have established that MC right after D-Day is not productive. So…when is the right time for counseling? At what point/phase/stage can it be productive and helpful? Can a good counselor take a foggy WS and help turn them around? FiM’s experience with Dr. H would seem to indicate yes. But obviously not every counselor is as experienced with infidelity and foggy spouses as Dr. H is. Does it make more sense to wait until the WS has re-committed themselves to the marriage (assuming you can tell the difference between a “real” re-commitment and a false one, which I can’t seem to do)?

Perhaps you WS/BS in recovery can shed some light?

-BS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Befuddled Spouse:
<strong> Okay. So if we can consider 5 unanimous responses as representative of this forum we have established that MC right after D-Day is not productive. So…when is the right time for counseling? At what point/phase/stage can it be productive and helpful? Can a good counselor take a foggy WS and help turn them around? FiM’s experience with Dr. H would seem to indicate yes. But obviously not every counselor is as experienced with infidelity and foggy spouses as Dr. H is. Does it make more sense to wait until the WS has re-committed themselves to the marriage (assuming you can tell the difference between a “real” re-commitment and a false one, which I can’t seem to do)?

Perhaps you WS/BS in recovery can shed some light?

-BS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can a good counselor take a foggy WS and help turn them around?

I think so but it depends on the WS really. My wife heard what the counselor was saying and it made some sense to her but that's not what she wanted to hear. My wife didn't want to change the way she felt about the OM. Some WS want the marriage to work, with a willing spouse then it becomes easier because all are heading towards the same goal....a recovered marriage.

Your spouse might not ever be ready to recommit. It is a fine line because a suggesting MC by you could be interpreted as you forcing, controlling or giving an ultimatum to your S.

God Bless

Doug