I have been doing really good with not calling my husband. I only talk if he calls the boys or me. I have been doing more things with the boys.

This weekend didn't go so well when my husband came home. My husband blamed me for my stepson's problems at school. He says I don't show him the love and attention as I do our three year old. Said that I exclude him a lot. Actually since my husband left. My relationship with my stepson is closer than before. He also said that he wants to move my stepson down with him and his sister. Which his sister does not want at this time. This made me very upset. He leaves us and I am the one making his son act out for attention in school... Also when he was here he was always playing computer games, online or watching t.v. and never spent much time with them at all. He can't see that what he is doing is hurting his kids. Of course later he said he was sorry that he is sick and moody. His sorry's mean nothing anymore to me.

Saturday we went to his sisters house. He was online trying to download a song he wanted me to hear. When he was done his sister wanted me to look up a hotel. So I got on and the OW was sending messages for my husband. I responded back with the message. Can't you let him alone on the weekend while he is with his family. I said show some respect. She told me to let her alone. Which I did. Later we had to drive two cars home. My stepson rode with my husband. We were going out to eat at a place I didn't know the way so I tried to call him and he was already on the phone with her. That made me so mad. He can't even respect me enough on the weekend to stop with her when he calls her for hours all week long.

Sunday he watched football all day and played some kind of fighting game on the gameboy. I guess the kids didn't need to spend time with him.. Guess he only comes home so his body is there but his mind is someplace else. When he was ready to leave. I was a little upset. I told him I could understand him wanting a little space and time to work on his book and self. But I do not agree or accept the fact that he is still calling her for hours and hours. He said he was working on a solution. I said divorce is not the answer. He left and called me later and her also.

Tonight I feel just ready to give up on him. He is not the man that I fell in love with. He is cruel, uncaring and so hurtful. He says I don't care about him ... I guess because I don't agree with what he is doing and give him a divorce asap like he wants. I told him it's getting to the point where I cannot continue to talk to him and see him if things don't change. It's taking to much out of me. I have about 5 weeks to go till the baby is born. I am very uncomfortable, emotional and very crampy. I work part-time and I come home and do work and take care of the kids. Then on top of everything I have to deal with this stuff. One minute I feel so worthless. The next I am so angry that I would like to just shake both of them and ask them what do they think they are doing.

If things don't change fast then I don't see any hope of it working out. I don't even know if I want him there when I am having the baby. He is being so uncaring right now that probably when I am in labor he will be outside talking to her. He says he never loved me that he stayed with me hoping he would grow to love me. I guess he must not love his kids either because he is doing the same crap to them.

I am trying to follow everyone's advice. I want to focus on myself and my kids. I am tired of this whole mess my husband has created. Tired of feeling like second best to a 20 year old college girl who lives 10 hours away. I am tired of feeling unloved and used. Tired of feeling disrespected. If he wants her so bad let them have each other. When he finally wakes up out of his fantasy world he will realize what he gave up. Who he hurt all for nothing. I will have my kids love and respect. What will he have?

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

I understand being tired of this whole situation. It is so hard being on our own right now. But what choice do we have? The only thing we can do is keep going and making the best home we can for our babies. It helps me to know that I am doing all that I can, I have nothing to be ashamed about. What will our WH's say years from now when their child looks them in the face and asks what happened? They either have to lie or look like a horrible person. Not a very good choice.

know how you feel and i think i have pretty much given up myself. as i told you before my OW is a 21 yr old college student too who live at home w/her parents (who know everything and don't care). they met last fall in a class so she was barely 20 yrs old when they met and he's 34. well it's not really about age but you know what i mean. anyway, i'm not in the same exact boat as you but i have decided last night that i will give my H until 1/1/05 to file for a D and if he hasn't then i will. i don't want to because that would be giving him an easy way out and i just told him a couple of weeks ago that i couldn't help him in what he was doing (filing for a D).

but you know i have needs to and it is really getting to me just the horrendous amount of disrespect he is showing me, not to mention himself, his family, this girl, and her family in what he's doing and he just says he's trying to lead a normal life. well i don't know what planet he grew up on but it is not normal to be married and have a girlfriend and have sex w/her and introduce her to your family, etc. so like you i'm pretty much at the point i don't want him back. i still don't know if he wants a divorce so bad why won't he file himself? who knows and then again i could be served later today.

don't know what else to say but just letting you know we "hear" you, prayers to you, RR

Last night was horrible. We had a huge argument and I pretty much told him I hated him and her for what they are doing to me. I asked him why he continues to hurt me as if he doesn't care about me at all. He said you already know the answer. I guess the answer is he truly doesn't care at this point and time.

I am to the point where it's almost time for plan B. I told him earlier if he wanted to continue with her then let me alone. Don't call or come over. Before I said that I got the feeling he is trying to exclude me now on the weekends. Saying he may take the kids alone to North Carolina this weekend. I said if they go I go. He is not going to take them there and have the homewrecker meet them. He said he wouldn't do that... But I have heard those words before. His words are crap. He said well I just don't want you to go. Well to bad.. He said fine I will stay home but take them somewhere around here without you. I feel like what did I do... Why does he not want me around? I feel like he is trying to push me away more to make OW feel better. So he can tell her he spent time with his kids and wasn't around me. This is just starting to tick me off so much.

If I go into labor I don't think I will be calling him. He doesn't care about me now... Why would I want someone like that in the room with me. He doesn't deserve to be in there. Especially when he doesn't even care how much stress I am under. He doesn't care one cent about my health.

So today I am standing up for myself. The Ow and my husband are no longer going to effect me. Because I choose to remove myself from this. If he wants her then let him have her. They both will see their little fantasy is not really reality.

You go, girl. It is sad that he wants to take his son away from his only stability, BUT, . . .

Let him see how well that boy does without you. Let him see the full consequences of his actions. I think the sooner you let him go, the sooner the bubble will burst and he will crash and burn.

I was wondering last week why you were letting him come over on the weekends. NOPE! He wants to see the kids, let him take them somewhere. His sister doesn't want the son living there? Let your WH deal with it. It is counter-productive for you to get into a routine, a semblance of peace, during the week, and him to blow you out of the water on the weekends.

Nope. Let him knock himself out with the phone bill. Tina, he hasn't said anything to you yet that is not textbook Fog Babble. Not one thing.

You keep ahold of this righteous anger, and stick to your guns, and run your own show. Let him make his own decisions. Fine, have the boy. Fine, have the girlfriend. Fine, if you want D, get your BUTT down to city hall and file it your own self - BIG BOY!!!

Don't do CRAP for him anymore. IMO.

Spidey

Read up on Plan B and then DO IT! He gets the best of all world here. He can come to the house enjoy the comforts there, blame you for everything and then go live his fantasy addiction with the OW.

This has GOT to stop. YOu need to get some support regarding the birth of your baby--not your H.

Write up the letter. Insist that stepson stay with you. Get an intermediary to help with visitation and finances etc.

Keep that anger going--it will help you stay dark. Can you see that talking about the A, your R, how he is treating you isn't helping? Plan B eliminates all of that. You appear strong and going on with your life (and you will get stronger, and you will get on with your life, with or without him) and allows him to live in the REALITY that he CREATED.

You are not really in Plan A right now anyway when you two keep fighting and all. It is time for Plan B NOW in my opinion.

SML,
You're starting to lose feelings for your WH, now is the right time for Plan B...actually it's been time...to prevent this from happening.

SS is right...leave him for his own devices. Stop sharing his burdens..you have enough of your own to carry.

The sooner they "reep what they sow"... the clearer things begin to get.

Stay strong...we're here for you.

have a lawyer in your pocket before you go to plan B. the is an abolute must. if you don't have then money then borrow from family or get a credit card. part of going to plan B is having all your ducks in a row prior, which especially in your case w/a baby on the way includes an attorney.

I turned off my cell. And I am logged online with the home phone. So nobody can get through. I just don't feel like talking to him or his sister right now. My mom called and agreed I just need a break. I feel like I am ready to crack... I am tired, stressed, depressed and my heart feels so empty. I just feel like sitting down and crying my eyes out.

OW posted a email from my husband. Telling her he loved her and missed her and all the things he used to say to me on her instant messanger away message. Yes maybe I shouldn't have looked at it... But I did. It hurt so bad. Yes I may see his cell minutes and know he is talking to her. But I don't have to look I already know. Earlier today he talked to me. He said I cause my own pain. That if I wouldn't look I wouldn't know. Like that makes what he is doing ok... I told him not call me anymore.. He said ok... but can I call the kids? I said no... He doesn't want to be here so why should we be waiting around the phone for his call. He seems more determined each day to be with this girl.

I don't want to be his doormat anymore. He thinks he can do all this stuff and I will take it and still be around for him. I know in the past I kept giving him chances. I would stand up for myself then back down making him doubt my words. This stress right now is to much for me to handle. It is sad when he doesn't even care about my health or the baby. I don't know which way to turn but I got to find a path and follow it. Right now I feel lost, alone and afraid.

{{{{{{{{{{Tina}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry for your pain. I am here for you, sweetie. You are not truly alone, when you have all us MBers here with you.

SS

Here is my plan B letter...

WH,
When we first met I found myself falling in love with a talented, understanding and loving man. When you came around it’s like you brightened my whole day and I enjoyed being in the glow. You made me feel truly loved for the first time. In the beginning I was insecure in our love and always questioned your love for me, but you stood by me and proved your love till I was able to give myself completely to you. I also loved being a mother figure for your son. I so wanted both of you to love me and want me in your lives. It is now with true regret that we find ourselves in this situation now.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of your marriage. I did not see that you were unhappy. I know I may have listened, but I truly didn’t hear you. I believe if we both worked at keeping things alive and fresh, we might not be where we are today. I know I wasn’t filling your needs the way you needed. And I am sorry.

I have had 10 months to analyze what I could have done differently. I do not want a divorce. I would like a chance to show you we can put our marriage back together. I think I can show you the woman you would be proud to call your wife, as I have always been proud to call you my husband. I know we both can learn things from all of this, be able to forgive, and move forward. I truly believe we can rebuild our marriage that it can be better and stronger. It can be a marriage we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored.

At this time, I feel I need to separate from you to heal and protect myself. This is to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing anymore of the things we have shared. This period is for us both to heal and hopefully find our way back to one another. If in the future you do decide that you would like to fully commit to our marriage then I would be open to discuss it with you. But I need to know that you are committed and will need assurances that Alexis will no longer be a part of your life. The only contact that I will accept when you leave is by email regarding our children and finances only.

I truly love you and believe in you. As I have told you before, you are the best men I have ever been privileged to know. I know you are hurting deeply. I know that you feel I don’t deserve any of this. But we are human and all fall from time to time. Together we can repair the damage and work on a new beginning.

I love you,

I think this is one of the best first drafts I've ever read.
I can't see many changes to be made.
It was kind, gentle, to the point, included some history, you didn't rehash the A in the letter...

GREAT JOB !

This letter would work for me !

Hang in there sweetie, we're all pulling for you and praying for you.

I feel very emotional tonight. When I told my husband not to call if he wanted to continue with her. He sounded almost happy. I guess having no contact with me is ok.. But when it comes to the OW he can't even imagine that.

Without this board I don't know how I would have gotten by these past few months. You have been my support. I have no real friends. Just my mom and some cousins. But sometimes you don't want to involve them in everything that is going on. Thank you SS for all wise words of advice and support.

How are you feeling tonight Kloe? I don't really feel sick but I do feel really stressed and tired and more emotional than ever. I am counting down the weeks now. I can't wait to hold my little girl. I see her as my blessing when I needed one the most. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your doing great! I know what you mean about the support from this board. Friends and family are great but they don't really understand and after 5 months (in my case) they don't really want to hear it.

I've got a cold or something so I'm not feeling too good and that of course is effecting me emotionally. WH was sick last week and came over here and I took care of him. It's hard not having anyone to take care of me. He hasn't even asked how I'm feeling.

I know what you mean. About 3 weeks ago I was sick. Had a bad cold, soar throat and fever. My husband didn't ask once how I was doing or if I needed anything and he was still living here. But he was in the bathroom that same night calling OW up and asking her how her weekend was and how she was doing. This weekend when he came he wasn't feeling good. I made him hot tea, soup and did other little things to show him I was concerned and cared. Sometimes I think men have no clue.

<small>[ October 19, 2004, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

I just can't seem to get out of this slump. All I do is cry. I am sure a lot has to do with my pregnancy. Last night I was feeling so bad. I had a fever and cramps. I broke down and called him about midnight because I was scared and wanted someone to talk to but he was still on the phone with the OW. He would not click over to me. That showed me right there how concerned he is about me.

I just need to vent I guess. I know the things he is saying right now are foggy but it still hurts. He told me that I know what he wants. So I told him to go file for it then. He said he will. Even though he has no money to afford a lawyer and I told him I will not sign the internet paper if he downloads it. In Maryland if you contest a divorce it takes up to 2 years. He said he didn't care that he would not be living with me. I said well you will still be married he said so what. I guess he is saying that because he is filing for divorce that makes him ok with doing whatever he wants with OW. He said he told me all the things about not calling her anymore, focusing on what really mattered and all the hopefull things because that is what I wanted to hear. Just kept saying over and over why do you want to be with someone like me?

I guess my self esteem is so low right now. I keep wondering what is so great about this OW. What made her so much more important than the kids and me. She is 20, in college and has no kids what can she offer him other than a fantasy. I wonder what is wrong with her. Why she would settle for a man that is ten hours away, has been married twice, has 2 kids, another on the way and will always have major repsonsibility and obligations. I think she is using him because she has nobody else at the moment. Also I feel like she likes the challenge. Am I that unloveable? What makes a person treat the person they loved so badly when they didn't do anything wrong but love them? People say it's fog but he seems to really believe what he is saying.

I feel like crawling in a hole somewhere.

You bet he believes what he's saying!

"I told you what you wanted to hear."

"Why do you want to be with someone like me?"

The fact that he believes these things he says doesn't make him any more in charge of his faculties. He says what sounds good so he can keep getting his fix of OW. He's under the control of his feelings for her.

Think of it as a right brain/left brain distinction. The feeling part of his brain is in charge of all his decisions. He isn't using his intellect to make any of them. The only thing he's using it for, where you're concerned, is to dream up things he can believe and tell you that sound rational and will accommodate his feelings.

The fact that the same exercise is going on in the mind of most every WS is why their script is so predictable.

Are you that unlovable? No way, SML. You aren't his problem! He is.

GC

Thank you GC.. Yes I guess in my head I know it's about him but in my heart I feel like the failure. He just doesn't seem to care at all about my feelings. But OW he cares so deeply about even though she really has nothing with him.

When I bring up the fact that he is married. He gets very upset. Says things like you make marriage a trap or you know just because were married doesn't mean I don't have a choice anymore. How do you respond to that?

SML, you know you shouldn't be in that discussion with him. It's pointless. It makes him skittish and it makes you frustrated. That's all it accomplishes.

If you get sucked into the conversation, babble back at him.

"You make marriage a trap."
"Yes, you are in a kind of trap."

It sounds like you have emphasized his promises and obligations to him. He doesn't like those. They are in the way of getting what his feelings are driving him to seek. And he associates them with you.

If he associates pesky obligations and annoying responsibilities with you, that is not a good thing. Tough, but doable.

I worry about you going into plan B, because I'm not convinced you really mean to do it. If you're going to do it, it has to be serious and strict.

GC

I guess that is way I haven't done plan B yet. I have the letter ready but haven't given it to him yet. I guess I know it will be so hard for me. But it seems like it's coming down to where I have no choice. Because I don't see him changing any of his ways anytime soon. And it's getting to the point where I can't handle much more. So plan B it is very soon.

I feel myself getting stronger each day. Yes it still hurts so much but I am to the point where I don't want to be disrespected anymore. I am very emotional but I think it's due to how close I am to my due date. I guess I am just disappointed that someone that I loved so much could hurt me this bad.