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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 110
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 110 |
My W says that she feels like the passion was never really there in our M (fog talk?). She says that she can't be in a M without any passion.
She says that OM seems to know her better than she knows herself. My W is somewhat of a work-aholic. OM makes her take breaks and "knows when she's stressed."
While W hasn't taken the EN questionaire, she has taken the "5 Love Languages" test. Her top 3 languages are:
1) Gifts
2) Acts of service
3) Touch
If I concentrate on these in Plan A, is this enough? How can I start meeting her EN? I know that right now, with the A still going on -- at least in low gear -- we can't truly get that passion and intimacy back. But I'd like to start working things on my end.
Does anyone have any insight for me? Has anyone lost the passion in their marriage and after an A been able to get that back?
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950 |
Rykon here is something from What Are Plan A and Plan B?: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Notice the word the bold part stating 'after'. Even if she were to fill out the EN questionaire today, your chances of fulfilling the top EN that the OM is meeting for her are practically zero until after she choses to end all contact with the OM. Do you now see why it is futile to try to meet a WS most important EN while the WS is still in contact with the OP?
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 110
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 110 |
TOOMuchCoffeeMan,
Thanks for your replies. I do see this. She has "sort of" been making an effort to be intimate and I guess I feel like I don't want to be seen as not making an effort. I know, the biggest effort that she can make is ending contact with OM.
I also want to be prepared for two things:
1) Her wanting to reconcile -- I can be better prepared to restore the intimacy and passion.
2) Moving on to another relationship -- This is a few years down the road, but I want to make sure that if my M ends, the same thing doesn't happen.
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781 |
I'm not sure how other people would feel about this, but...I'd press the issue of severing contact with the OM. Nothing is going to get better until that happens.
In my case, as soon as I found out, I asked my wife to call the OM and tell him it's over. She did so. She also sent him a letter reiterating that the relationship is done.
We've made great strides these last few weeks. But..we couldn't do it if the OM were in the picture.
I think that has to be the place to start: tell her that you want to save the marriage and work on the issues that led to the affair. tell her that if she feels the same way, the affair needs to stop, now.
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950 |
Rykon
Following up on AndrewA's post about 'putting pressure', I'd like for you to consider conveying to her the following. While it is true that you still love her very much, the fact remains that each day that she is still in contact with the OM is one more day that a part of that love for her DIES, and if the situation remains the same, there will come a day when there will be no love left for her even if she decided to end all contact with the OM and was serious about rebuilding the marriage. This is NOT a threat or ultimatum but a statement of fact that she must be made aware of before it is too late.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 110
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 110 |
It's weird. She *seems* like she is trying to rekindle things. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I don't respond, she's going to think that I want everything back the way it was -- which I *don't*. I try not to talk about the M or the A unless she brings it up.
She's home after staying at a hotel for the past two nights and I feel more anxious with her around -- which is normal I supose. But I don't feel as happy as I think I should that she's back.
Just venting...
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