First let me say that this is my first post after a long long time of lurking. I guess this is a week of firsts. Saturday the 16th I went to Cerri’s bonfire/hayride but no bonfire, no hayride and that was ok. (Windy and cold) Instead what I got was a wonderful warm welcome from someone I had never met and who has never heard of me except for an e-mail asking for directions. That was extending the invitation on faith alone. Like Graycloud and Déjà Vu I also was very nervous when I drove up the driveway and, the 75 miles that preceded the driveway I had many opportunities to turn around and go some place else but I choose to go, and I am very glad I did.

This all leads to my question about choices. Some back ground; I have been married to a wonderful lady for 22 years. The last 9 years of that marriage she was diagnosed with MS. This continually worsened over time, the last 6 years I was doing everything for her, washing, bathing, dressing & feeding, along with raising 3 teenagers and maintaining a decent clean/live able house/home washing cloths, cooking meals vacuuming etc along with a full time job. I have missed many a sports games that my children had because of the love for my wife and the care I felt that she deserved. I have over come the wrath of my Daughters and my Son for putting my wife first and not all of their sports games and events. I have done all this because I had faith that thing would get better. And my faith was shattered when she passed away.

Eventually I found another wonderful lady who loved me for what I was, and I love her I felt wonderful again. I felt that I had a purpose to live again. I got to do things that I had missed for so long; traveling, parties & entertaining. Everything was going along wonderfully. (Or so I thought). She became distant & cold because I could not do anything her way or to meet her standards. She chooses to have an affair and still continues to see and call this person. I know have now come full circle. I wash cloths, cook meals for her children, and clean house all because I love her. I am doing all this because I have faith that thing will get better.

I have calmed down after the initial shock and disillusionment that she decided to have an affair. I choose once again to put my needs and feelings on the back burner because I still love her. Again I choose to shoulder the wrath of my adult children because I choose not to accept their choices of what I should do.

How many choose to stay with a betrayed spouse because of love and faith?
How many choose to stay with a betrayed spouse because of stupidity knowing things will never get better but still have a very small glimmer of hope?
How many choose to extinguish that small glimmer of hope and choose to move on because their tired, numb & scarred?

Sorry for the ranting and raving

Dennis

Dennis47

Welcome to MB and I am sorry that you are another casualty of marital infidelity but you are not alone on this journey.

You ask questions which are extremely hard to answer and which I am not sure that if the answers were forthcoming, would mean that much to you. The most important question is: Do you want to do everything possible to save and rebuild your marriage? If you do the I recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. In the meantime please read everything on this website including What Are Plan A and Plan B? and get into counseling with a pro-marriage professional coach like Steve Harley or his sister Jennifer Harley Chalmers from the Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Penny Tupy from Save Your Marriage Central .

While there are no guarantees that if you carry out a flawless Plan A/Plan B that your marriage will be saved and rebuilt, you've proven that you are not a quitter when the going gets tough in marriage. No matter what the outcome of your situation is, you will be in a better place for having implemented the MB principles embodied in Plan A/Plan B and Dr Harley's books.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Well, most that come here give their marriage a good try for quite awhile. I have been doing it 22 months, but as WH has continued living with the OW, I have no feelings for him anymore.

Many recover their marriages, and a few give up. But no matter how it turns out, most are very happy that they tried the MB program. There are many good people here, and you will get lots of support and care.

What an incredible person you are! You are going to do well I can already tell. Perserverence and longsuffering will always be rewarded.

Have you read all the staples of the MB diet? SAA, HNHN, etc....? I would guess that you have because you say you have been lurking for a while. Are you in counseling with a good IC/MC or the Harley's? These are great starting points.

Remember we aren't going anywhere. Post here often it is good for the mind and heart. Pray furiously and take care of yourself.

In these quotes I think that you might mean WS instead of BS but I have quoted them as you posted and answered as if they were WS. Confused yet?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How many choose to stay with a betrayed spouse because of love and faith? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One I can say for sure but I would guess that there are more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How many choose to stay with a betrayed spouse because of stupidity knowing things will never get better but still have a very small glimmer of hope? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only the ones with a bad attitude as far as I'm concerned. Your not stupid.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How many choose to extinguish that small glimmer of hope and choose to move on because their tired, numb & scarred? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some, but we all have our own limitations. Many of us discover them while working through this great challenge. This is a time of tribulations and great learning. I was enlightened to a bible passage recently that is inspiring for our situation. Romans 5:1-5

I wish you well and I will pray for you. Keep posting and take care of yourself.

C.

For me Dennis, I could not be with someone who was activily involved with another women. I might and did take him back when he proved I was the only one.

Good luck Dennis! Glad you finally posted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the support and encouragement. I have read more books in the last 3 years then I have in the last 10. Yes, I have read Surviving an Affair, His needs, Her needs, Torn Asunder & Not Just Friends and they are very helpful. I have filled out the emotional needs questionnaire. I have given an emotional needs questionnaire to my wife and she reluctantly filled one out after 3 months of coaxing. I have ordered "Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on Your Own” I figure being that I’m pretty much alone anyway I might as well do something more constructive (couldn’t hurt). I have been in plan A for many months with only a couple of major incidents that I just lost it. I have exposed her to a few of our friends but nothing seams to faze her she still continues to do her stupid thing. She is still in the house but sleeps in a different room. She doesn’t spend nights with him. She does call him daily, and I have explained to her that it hurts me that she does that and she replies “I have a right to call my friends”

That is why I asked the questions about choices. We can make choices because we have faith that something good will become of it, or we make choices because we are reluctant to give up that little glimmer of hope? Or we can make choices because we are scared, tired and do not want to hurt anymore.

In reading this board I think that a lot of us are scared, tired, hurt and reluctant to give up and still have faith we all just need that some little thing to sway us to make that choice.

All of this gives me more time to work on my family history. I ran across an interesting Quote that my Grandmother had written “He finally came back to me after 33 years of hoping and praying” I know us Germans are stubborn, but god I can't wait that long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In reading this board I think that a lot of us are scared, tired, hurt and reluctant to give up and still have faith we all just need that some little thing to sway us to make that choice.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about afraid that if they end their marriage they will be haunted by the 'What if?'s ? That is the advantage of implementing Plan A/Plan B because no matter what happens to the marriage, the BS will come out not only a better person but without any leftover love for the WS which could sabotage any future relationship with another person. The same cannot be said for the WS.