Here is a quick link to
What are Plan A and Plan B . It is a very quick, down-and-dirty page that Dr. Harley wrote to basically explain his two plans for ending an affair (A) and protecting the Betrayed Spouse (BS) from the Wayward Spouse's (WS's) painful behavior with the lover.
But let me see if I can put it in layman's terms. Bear in mind, I am a lay person just like you and not a doctor of psychology or anything fancy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
PLAN A is getting real with yourself and taking inventory of the kind of spouse YOU have been and how YOU have acted. Plan A is recognizing that you did
LoveBusters (LBs) and that your own actions did some damage to your WS's heart. Plan A is practicing new ways of behaving so that you don't LB anymore. Plan A is practicing new ways of behaving so that more and more you start to become the kind, loving, giving person that you were when your WS met you--so that you start to become the person you were intended to be and start reaching your potential. You be the best person you can be, avoid LB's, and to the best of your knowledge, consciously discover what your S's
Emotional Needs (ENs) are and start to meet them. In my personal opinion, Plan A is
NOT Plan Doormat!!! Plan A is when you become more like the person you are meant to be and when you behave like THAT you attract them all over again just like you did the first time--because you naturally meet the top ENs.
In Plan A, you also let the WS know that you are asking them to end ALL contact with the Other Person (OP), and that you not only want to work on the issues that lead to the A, but that you are already working on it. You begin to discuss concepts like
Transparent Honesty ,
Policy of Joint Agreement,
Giver/Taker,
Three States of Marriage, etc.
PLAN B is when you ask your WS to end contact with their OP and they refuse to do so. Some WSs sit on the fence and get some ENs met from you and some from the OP. Some act as if they are completely unaware of the devastation they are causing. Some WSs become cruel and vicious. So, a letter is written to the WS that says (very, very basically):
I love you and want to work to repair our M.
I see what I did to contribute to this A.
I am willing to work on my issues.
I asked you to have NC with OP, and you refused.
Your actions are draining my lovebank.
Therefore, in order to protect what love and respect I do still have for you, I need to have no contact with you until you break it off with OP.
At such time as you do break it off with OP, I look forward to restoring our M.
Now, that's is very brief and basic, but does that help???
CJ
<small>[ October 20, 2004, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>
