Wife and are are trying to recover, you can check out our story. I have come to a roadblock and need advice. Wife has steadfastly stated that I know everything about the affair, that she has been completly honest in all areas in telling me what happened. She does not know that I have recovered the hundreds of emails between the two using an undelete software program. There are a number of ommisions / partial lies that are envident from what she has told me vs. what is evident or stated in the emails. I have held off for over 6 months hoping that she would come clean on some of these aspects/truths, and thereby hoping to reestablish the trust and honesty between us. We are now almost 14 months from D day, and I continue to have problems establishing trust because of these ommisions / partial lies. I am almost certain she is trying to protect me from hurting more, but I feel some of the things missing will remain unresolved problems that made our marriage vulnerable to the affair in the first place.

I need advice on what to do. Should I approach her and let her know about the omissions. I was thinking of printing them out, indicating what she told be vs. what they contain and ask her to discuss it? I'm just afraid that she will blow it off as I forgot, or didn't want to hurt you any more, and then that will still not restore the trust as it will show she has continue to lie during the recovery period. On the other hand I just can't get past this and really need to address the items to move forward. It will mean having to open some old wounds, and I guess 1 year later it may have a bad effect on her having to see what she wrote while in the fog. But how can I move forward together with her if I feel she is lying.

All opinions and suggestions are welcomed!

I have been in her shoes very recently, and the omissions and lies very well might be costing me EVERYTHING I've been working for since I started on Plan A.

So...you should do what my BW did...

Say "Are you sure you've told me everything?" And when she says "yes," say "let me rephrase that...are you SURE?"
And when she says "yes" again say, "I will say this one last time and you need to be totally honest with me...have you told me absolutely everything?"

I know in my case, that 3rd question was the killer. I was thinking "she knows more, she knows about the last thing I hid. How did she find out? What do I say?"

I went into a panic, because I didn't WANT to admit further wrongdoing, but I was afraid if I continued to lie, she would say "yeah, well then what about THIS!" and produce the very evidence you're talking about with these emails.

And I realized at the last minute that it was better to fess up than to risk adamantly standing by a lie if she had proof to the contrary. That would be doubly horrible.

Give her the opportunity to come clean. She should have done it on her own, with no prodding, but she's not. I made that same mistake, and if I hadn't made it, I might be recovering my M right now rather than staring at the possibility of DV.

If she continues to refuse to admit things, then pull out the smoking gun of the emails and watch her backpedal.

Either way, you already have an idea of how far along she is and how sincere she is about recovery...not very.

I'm no expert, and I'm still kind of feeling my way through this myself. But, it seems to me that you reach a point where you just have to let some things go.

I still have a few doubts about some aspects of the story that my wife has told me. But...I've had to ask myself whether it's worth it to press those details or not. For me, the importnat thing is how we move forward. I'm satsified with the most important details: that she wasn't looking for an affair and that it is OVER with the other guy. I think that pressing the points that I am unsure about would lead to a lot of love-busting and be counterproductive at this point.

Of course, Vnus has a great suggestion: give her the chance to come clean. But if she doesn't, ask yourself whether these details really matter all that much in the scheme of things. Does her admitting to them really help your marriage move forward, or does it jsut throw her actions - and her lies - back in her face?

Without knowing the details, I can't say how important they are. You're right...trust and honesty have to be re-established. I'm just not sure how you go about a situation like this without creating more conflict that could hurt your recovery. Of course, if you believe you can handle it well...telling her matter-of-factly that you know certain details that she hasn't told you, then a talk might be successful.

The key is to avoid love-busting, if possible.

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

If you have the evidence, then present it to her and after she reviews it, ask her if she now understands why you have a hard time trusting her?