I don't want this thread to be all about my plan B. I've been in it for six days.

It's frustrating to think about the future in a way. This effort is meant on the one hand to save my M, and on the other to help me heal. And I feel like as time passes, the former will grow to matter less, and after a while it will be all about letting go of my attachment to my W and more clearly seeing a life without her.

But thinking of it from the perspective of the WS, I keep wondering, is plan B most jarring and potentially effective at the moment when it begins? After that, doesn't it just get easier for the WS?

I know there aren't any easy answers, but I'm struck by the impression that there are no FWS here that I know of who attempted reconciliation after they were placed into plan B.

GC

Dang it, I just read my post, and it sounds like a plea for reassurance. It is not. I only wonder how the effect of plan B evolves in a WS as time passes.

And I know already the answer is "adult diapers". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

GC

After that, doesn't it just get easier for the WS?
Yes. But the affair WILL end. This is why you let the ws know you are waiting.

Reconciliation is not a very fun time for anyone.
Don't think it will be "Easy" because the ws returns. Far, FAR from easy.

Most people disappear from here when they reconcile after Plan B.

Gray,

I plan B'd my fiance (well it was a request for NC ever again really, but done in a loving letter), and it took him 5 weeks to attempt the first contact. It took him that long to realize that he would never have me for a friend again, and that I really meant it that I was moving on. He called after five weeks and I wouldn't answer, he left messages for awhile. Finally he left a message that he had ended it with the girl he was seeing. After that he started writing really long letters to me. I agreed to see him for the first time at 8 weeks after the NC letter. Partly because I knew he was in really bad shape by this time, and I felt sorry for him.

He told me at first the letter and that I was moving on relieved him, but after that he started to miss me, and then when he couldn't talk to me on the phone it was unbearable for him.

When she realizes that you really are not waiting for her any longer and that you may very well be gone, her tune might change.

It takes awhile Gray, so be patient and know that she is most definately thinking about you now because the reality of the situation has to be setting in.

Like Chris said the affair will end.

You did the right thing, don't start second guessing it now. It was really the only thing you could do, under the circumstances.

You stay strong Gray.

weaver

Weaver, I'm not second guessing. Just curious.

I need an excuse to have hope. Without hope, I don't think I can let the sparrow go. Does that make any sense?

The legal stuff is bringing me down, but I'm not doing anything about it just now. Maybe later this week I'll call my lawyer.

I'm good. I'm not going to bust this plan. I know I had to do it and I reckon I picked the right time. Almost made it to six months in plan A.

GC

GC,

I don't know if this is encouraging or not. I don't even know if I'm doing the right things lately because I haven't been posting much. WS said she was trying to figure out my ID on this site, and I don't want her to know just yet. That's right, we're talking again. 3 months of plan B for me. It was the most difficult thing I've done, and just when I was feeling better about me and being wothout WS, something happened. She made contact last week and told me she's always loved me and wants to work this out. Bla,blah,blah ( not ment nastily, just skipping the details for now ).

I hope to soon be posting here along with my WS during what I hope will soon be an attempt at recovery. I know I won't be able to do it without everyone here, so I have already mentioned it to WS and she seemed ok with it. Maybe together we can shed light and help others. A man can dream can't he...

Keep the faith. Just when you feel like giving up, go a little further. You came this far. God bless...

Joooooeee!

Has she proven NC with OM, totally and completely? Has there been a NC letter to OM??

Have the conditions of the Plan B been met?

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

You kiddin' me Joe? I am very encouraged by your story. I went back through some of your posts from the last couple of months. It looked positively hopeless.

I'm sure you don't want to get your hopes up right now. You have to be careful and firm about what you require. I'm sure you know this.

The one thing I learned early on here at MB is that things can seem completely hopeless, and then even more hopeless, and then more hopeless still, and then a faint light appears on the horizon. But I've found many reasons to believe that wouldn't happen in my case. I still don't know if it will, but one way or another we're going to make it.

Threadjack away! I didn't want this thread to be all about me anyway. Take it!

GC

gc:

"positively hopeless"

I'm betting that it's only on MB that those 2 words could be used in combination! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yep, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. And with time, it may be possible 2 determine that it's daylight down there, not an oncoming train, or Nostradamus with a lantern or something...

Joe: Great news! Be careful, though. Okay?

-ol' 2long

gray -

Well I have been here for over a year. I've seen lots of people recover their marriages after Plan B. The trouble is, they quit posting here, and move on with their lives.

Hopefully others reading this will keep posting here after they are successful. At least I hope they will keep posting for awhile.

When I went into Plan B, I didn't hear anything for 4 months - then suddenly WH wanted to move back in.

So stick with Plan B, do the dark thing, and have hope. But also get on with your life.

GC: this is going to come off bad, no matter how I phrase it...

Sometimes that light is just another deception. Sometimes, they're just telling you what you or they need to hear to keep the 'cake'.

I've seen that light several times - oh my! my H is back! Only to find ut he's more cheerful with me after talking to OP.

Sorry GC. I;m here looking for hope, too, but am just an old wet dishrag of a person right now.

Sorry to vent.

I still hope, too, despite the darkness around me.

I realize that this could turn out to be false hope for me. I've already been through one false recovery. We all know, from being here, what we are in for. Yet we still try, and we still have hope. Because marriages and reationships do recover, and become stronger. We have all heard these stories right here.

GC, I am impressed that you researched my story. It goes back to july if you're interested. Yes it did seem hopeless. And though I feel very hopeful right now, I want you all to know that I am very cautious, my guard is up, and I will use the knowledge I have gained from you all to my best ability. And I will continue to post here for help when I feel it is safe for me to do so.

My other objective is to make sure that I continue to post here in order to help others, no matter which way my story ends. Though it would benefit everyone the most if we were to recover and we could post here together and tell all sides of the situation. I think that would help a lot of people.

It is too bad though, I realize that no matter how much help there is, and no matter what the final outcome, it is a long and hard road, to say the least.

I can say this, from experience, it does get easier, whather alone or if WS comes back. Time does have a way of turning the tides.

GC, and everyone here, please hold onto hope, things do get better.

"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent"

<small>[ October 23, 2004, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

Well joe, I just put down my guitar. It's late, and I still have to finish my laundry, but she starts to complain if I keep my hands off her for too long.

You seem in very good spirits, man. Regarding your history, I didn't research that much. I remembered most of it, but was looking to get a feel for your mood when you went into plan B.

Questioning, questioning, always. One of my best, and worst, traits.

GC

GC......

I'm kind of there with restarting....

I Plan B'd my WH for 3 weeks the first time. He went nuts. Wrote me a letter of his love and devotion to me. Went on a date with him, then....nothing.

Back to Plan B. For about 3 more weeks (including his BD). He took OW out to someplace WE had planned to go on his BD! Some kind of devotion, huh?

Anyway.....all of a sudden, WH is SURPRISING me for my BD.....he's moving back home. Wrote a letter to OW breaking up with her, gave her cell phones back. Very sincere about us working it out.

He's back home now. I still think he is in contact with OW.

Stay firmly in Plan B until the WS is begging to get back together. Otherwise, it's just false recovery. They think they mean all the things they say, but don't follow thru.

HEY!!!! I SOUND KIND OF BITTER!!!

Stay dark. Plan B is nice. It's so peaceful. You really CAN begin to move on with your life.

K

My mood? Mostly fear and regret. Regret that I had not been able to hold this relationship together. Fear of the unknown. Fear of WS just forgetting me. Anxiety, impatience, doom, and loneliness. And then there is the one thing I kept telling myself, even if I really didn't feel it at the time, I kept saying " I can do this, I'm the strong one. I will be ok. "

That's a few of the things I was feeling at the time. Hope it helps. Honestly though, 3 months into it I started to be alright with everything. I started to accept things for what they were. It was all I had left...me. You come into this world alone, and you go out of this world alone. You can only rely totally on one person...YOU. Be srong for you first, everything else falls into place.

I heard yesterday was the anniversary of Jimi Hendrix' death.

Anybody got any happy thoughts? It's too early for me.

" The harder you fall the higher you bounce "

Ya know, I'm not in Plan B, My spouse has reluctantly agreed to go to marriage counseling...not sure if he'll actually do it, but I've made the appointment. I made an individual appointment for myself tommorrow, as a sort of interview of the Counselor....to find out his methods..etc. But I have decided that if he opts to not show up for MC, or depending on how MC goes...(i.e. if he doesn't agree to keep going) I will launch plan B.

Yesterday I resisted all urges to contact my H. I wanted to call him so bad, and just tell him about my day, I didn't. I called my Mom instead and talked to her. About 2 hours after I got home my H called and talked to my daughter for a minute, then wanted to talk to me. He said "What are you doing?" I said "Eating dinner..." He said "Oh, what are you having?" I told him. Then I started with small talk....he told me the day before his stomach was bothering him, so I asked him how that was, and asked him how his day was...etc. He said "My day was long, sorta boring.....how was your day?" I said "Exciting actually" (I work at a hospital on the Trauma floor, had a lot of new trauma's yesterday) We talked for a few minutes, then I said "Okay, I'm gonna get off here and eat dinner" Then he called back about 10:30 pm to tell my daughter goodnight, then he told her he wanted to talk to me again....He said "Do you have to work tommorrow?" I said "Yep" He said "Oh....." I said "I have Friday, Saturday, Sunday off" He said "Oh, you going out?" I said "No, I told you that I didn't think I was going to do the bar thing anymore" He said "Why not? You might get some (meaning sex)" I said "Well, I'm not really interested in sex with some random person at a bar...I'm not interested in getting aids" I said "Even if you used a condom, there are no guarantees you won't get some disease, and I'm just not into that" He said "Even if you use a condom?" I said "Yeah, condoms aren't a 100% effective, and I'm not willing to risk it, besides, I'm not interested in the calibur of people that you could meet at a bar anyway" Then I said "Hey, listen, I'm tired, I'm going to get off here and go to sleep" He said "Oh...okay, well goodnight" I said "Goodnight" and hung up.

So, the point of this story, is he couldn't stand not talking to me for even a day....he had to know what was going on. Again...I have NO proof that there is or was an affair.....and I have been stopping myself from any further investigation as it makes me insane.

I want my husband back, in no uncertain terms, I still can't really see myself accepting it any other way, but I have more hope, I believe through prayer, that things will eventually work themselves out.

I'm reading a book now, a counselor I was interviewing suggested, it sounds weird, but he said that he thought I should read it, so I checked it out, it's called "The man who listens to horses", about a man who didn't care for the methods used for breaking horses and studied wild horses and learned their body language, and has apparently applied these methods also to people, with pretty good success.

I felt stupid checking it out, as I'm not really interested in horses, but he has some really unique ideas, and hell....I don't rule anything out anymore.

Good luck Gray, you've posted very helpful replies to a lot of my posts, and I wish you all the best.

Praying he'll come back,

-Caren

Caren, I think you've done a great job so far in plan A.

Be careful with that MC! So you haven't interviewed this person at all, I gather? If you look at saveyourmarriagecentral.com you'll find Penny Tupy's list of questions to ask a potential MC.

When my W briefly agreed to see an MC (an idea she quickly rejected), I interviewed probably 10 different people over the phone. None was I'd say all that bad, but only one seemed specifically motivated to try to save the marriage. I was very glad I called so many of them before deciding. It's too bad we never had a chance to see that one.

Keep posting, Caren. You're coming a long way fast.

GC