To any of you who know my story,

I haven't posted in quite a while so I thought I'd check in.

In late August/ early September I had had it. I hit rock bottom in my efforts to recover from my w's A. I had convinced myself that I never should have married her. This was due not just to the recent A but related to additional info about her behavior during our dating. The basis of our marriage had been a lie.

During a MC session I told her this. I also told her about the resentment that had built up on my side of the equation over the years. I say it this way bc she had always been able to discuss and act upon (ie the affair) her resentments but never the other way around. I think part of it was that I didn't realize I had these resentments until the affair hit me between the eyes with a 2x4.

Anyway...the point is that I had the car packed and went to a hotel. As I said this was rock bottom for both of us. I was no longer afraid to be alone or of getting divorced. I was willing to take the next step. Maybe that's what cleared the way for me to "finally just get over it." (famous words from impatient FWSs)

I think it was also something very simple that I learned from a cognitive behavior book:

Moods don't control the thoughts. It's the other way around. The thoughts create the mood.

I had heard this before in a slightly different way: Forgiveness/love is a decision.

I guess when I heard it before I wasn't at a place to believe it. I was however in a place where I'd think to myself," yeah easy for them to say."

So slowly but surely I think I'm pulling myself out of the pit. Things aren't perfect. Things still can cause reactions. May get the occassional triggers. But at least I'm able to tell myself. STOP! Don't go there. So the trigger doesn't creat a complete rehash of the feelings and emotions of DDay + 0-6 months.

One last thing that helped me get to this spot. My FWW finally stopped fighting me over disclosure. She finally said that if I wanted to ask the same question over and over or in 1,000 different slight permutations she answer.

That by itself lifted resentment and started true recovery.

Mac

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

It's really great to hear from you. I had wondered what had happened to you and now know that you are now in a better place than you were before.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
One last thing that helped me get to this spot. My FWW finally stopped fighting me over disclosure. She finally said that if I wanted to ask the same question over and over or in 1,000 different slight permutations she answer.

That by itself lifted resentment and started true recovery.

Mac</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lovingly hold her to that promise but don't abuse it either.

TMCM,
I haven't asked her a question since she agreed. Haven't felt the need.

Before I resented the fact that I had to "cut a deal" to get any information at all.

Apparently it was the her attitude along with the "get over it" that kept me anchored in the mire.

Hope all is well with you TMCM.

Mac

Hey Mac, glad you are working things out. Glad to see ya back, I missed ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Melody,
I missed being here, but I also realized that I was spending too much time here. Also at the time I was in very low place and being here fed the fire. Reading all of the Just Found Out stories kept my thoughts in the wrong place.

Also somehow I rubbed a few FWWs the wrong way. They criticized my approach. I heard my wife's "get over it" in their posts and it drove me down further. One of them seemed to get a perverse pleasure out of it.

Oh well that was then.

How are you doing these days?

How about you, TMCM?

I'm kinda out of touch with MBers.

Mac

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Well, well, well, look who's back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mac, I WAS wondering what was happening and I'm very pleased it's good news.

Jen

cwmac

Thanks for asking, I'm doing great and so are my W and my 2 D [surrounded by 3 women <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ]. Even my XWW is doing great.

I left the boards for a few months because of my new job demands but now I'm back to wreek havoc on poor unsuspecting souls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm going to try to limit the amount of time I spend here because I don't want it to become an all consuming endevor.

Don't forget to keep us updated on your sitch.

Mac: Thanks for the update. I too had wondered what happened. There's so many here sometimes, and it leaves you wondering, but sometimes we have to get on with life. It was good to hear from you and even better news it sounds of your situation. Congrats!

TMCM,
Hope the new job goes well. You're surrounded by three women but I have one more. Being in a house with hormonal teenagers is always a challenge for one guy.

KiwiJ,
I'm back to just check in. I really don't think I'll be offering too much advice/ personal history to any newbies. I'll leave that to TMCM.

As I said it wasn't good for a while in late summer. I was tired of everything. I really had thoughts/ plans to destroy OM. Much more posative now.

How's your summer? Good weather? Rob?

Recovering H,
Can you give me an update on your situation?

Mac