GG:

"I openly told WW, OM, and OMW that I didn’t think moving here was a good idea. Now I’m being villiafied by WW + OM because I can’t “accept his friendship”."

I think it's time 2 "openly" tell them that you can't accept this friendship. Amazing that you had this meeting. It does tell a lot about your ability 2 remain calm in all this. And it pertains 2 your ability 2 do plan B, when this is still early in the game for you (recent MBer, recent d-day).

"Foreverhers – They don’t IM, they talk. Spyware is of no use. Also, we are still regulars in our solid, Bible-believing church, even though WW admits that her relationship with God is extremely poor right now."

Time 2 expose the A 2 officials at the church.

GG, like I alluded 2 above, I would tend 2 agree that you may be ready for plan B after all.

Get professional help first, though.

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM tells me that he loves my W but wants what’s best for her which is to remain with her H. OM + OMW got into quite a fight while we were there and OMW told my W to “just take him”. OM says he doesn’t love his W but he doesn’t want to leave her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Classic "Cakeeater fogtalk." Wants to make you and his wife the "bad guy." He's so "nice and understanding." If he truly wanted your wife to have "what’s best for her which is to remain with her H," then HE should immediately refuse all further contact with your wife.

That's not going to happen, and you know it.

A "Crisis" is going to have to be precipiated. Otherwise, the "status quo" will continue until they can find an "excuse" to be with each other.

However, if your wife is truly a born-again Christian, there is much hope for you, her, and your marriage. I understand fully what you said when you said:

"we are still regulars in our solid, Bible-believing church, even though WW admits that her relationship with God is extremely poor right now.
"

There is no way you can have a "good relationship" with God when you are in willful disobedience of His commands. What your wife is engaged in is "marital unfaithfulness." Plain and simple, that is the ONE reason that Christ has stated is a valid reason for ending a marriage between believers, IF the faithful spouse cannot handle it and/or if the unfaithful spouse will not repent.

I don't know your church, so I may be skating on "thin ice" here, but if they are committed to being obedient to God's Word, as revealed in Scripture, then it seems time for a Matthew 18:15-20 intervention.

A conflict between obedience to God and willful sin is needed. This is uncomfortable and fraught with all the doubts that I know will assail you, as they did me. But, if the affair does not end, your marriage is already over. It's simply marking time until the "formal event" of the divorce. Understand, GG, that your wife is ADDICTED. This is a Class II involved affair. She is emotionally entangled and they are the toughest ones to end and break free from. This is what my wife was involved in for 6 years, so I know, or think I know, what's running through your mind.

GG, while you must continue to do what you have been doing regarding changes in yourself that are needed, like really listening to her and understanding her, etc., continuing to do Plan A, eliminating Love Busters as best you can, the fight is NOT between you and her or you and the OM. The "fight" is between God and your wife and between God and the "powers of darkness." It is first and foremost "Spiritual Warfare."

Unless your wife repents to God of her willful disobedience of His commands, nothing you do will "save" your marriage. She has to "get right with God" first before the two you can work on rebuilding your marriage.

Miracles DO happen when we are first obedient to God. But expect the process to take all the time that God needs, not the "fast" process you would prefer. Yes, ending the affair could happen quickly, but disentangling her emotions from the affair can take a long time. So you will need to constantly remind yourself to be patient, even enduring more pain, from time to time.

I cannot stress enough the importance of doing what your wife has said. YOU need to take the leadership role and contact a trained Christian Marriage Counselor and book the appointment for the two of you. YOU and your "arguments" don't register with her sin shrouded mind. You NEED an expert guide to help you both through these turbulent waters and the rapids that are approaching. DO NOT underestimate the importance of this counseling.

In all that you do, remember that you, too, have been forgiven a life of "adultery" against God through the blood of Christ. Where much has been forgiven, much is expected. It's often hard, but Christ adds His unlimited and unending assistance in the promise of Philippians 4:13. Take it and make it your "life verse" for all that you are dealing with today and everyday.

I understand, also, your pain about your #1 son's behavior. Remember, affairs touch all around us, so be patient and be the loving example that God has appointed you to as husband and father. Let your ACTIONS speak louder than your words. Let your ACTIONS show your faith, especially to those you love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1Cor.13:4-8a NIV)

God bless.

I just had a wonderful, wonderful dinner with my son. Everyone should be so blessed....

I think the time is really at hand to precipitate the crisis. I'll write more later, but I'm on my way home now to discuss with WW where we go from here.

Thanks for the concern of all and prayers.....

GG,

To an outside observer that really doesn't know the situation, it seems to me that she is putting her words in YOUR mouth. She is the one not meeting needs and she is the one having an affair. She is the one telling you to like it or lump it, and it is clear that OM'sW feels as you do about this whole situation.

This is called transference and it is seen here all of the time. The WS transfers their failing onto the spouse and accuses the BS of precisely what they are doing.

Sadly it is normal. The odd thing is if you go to Plan B, it will become clear that her problems are not caused by you, but herself.

Just another thought.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I would bet your son and DIL don't want to be in the middle of this. I am betting they love both of you and cannot do that and be in the mess.

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>