I sent out an email from my work email, advising friends/family who had that email as a point of contact that I had a new job. Gave everyone my home email, and told them I would send another email when I get my new email address.

Among the 25 or so recipients were MIL, SIL and MIL's SIL.

I get a return call from MIL yesterday, and we talk about the new job, etc. Among the chit chat, we mentioned last week's anniversary and WW (and OM3s) new job.

MIL has had it rough, as she's had surgery lately, and her health has always been questionable at times. Her oldest D, (WW) well, we know that story. Middle child, D, is 20yo, with out of wedlock 2yo, and no dad. She also has a drug history. Well, her youngest, S, 16, just dropped out of HS. It's a shame, because he's a sharp kid, he's just got some serious "social" issues. I feel for MIL sometimes, I really do.

So what does this have to do with me? One of the nuggets that came from the conversation, is that WW is moving out of her apartment and back home with MIL/FIL in November.

There are a few issues at stake here.
- This is potentially (and I say that cautiously) a good thing for M recovery/A death. The family is a big fan of me, and has a lot of respect for the way I've treated thier D through this. Plus I'm a swell guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Of course, they've also apparently supported (at least by ommission) the A, and most, if not all of the family (I assume) has met OM3. When I say it's a good thing, think Lloyd from "Dumb and Dumber" (So you're saying there's a chance!) But I would have to think it may help some. If anything WW and OM3 would have to commute about 45 minutes to visit each other. Of course at this point, I'm probably fairly forgotten.

- Apparently, her new job is not working out that well. That is why she's moving back home, she can't afford to live on her own. This brings a couple of factors into play. First, this explains (I guess) the lack of D paperwork. It also must add some "real life" strain to the A. This may of course, speed up the D paperwork as well.

- I imagine, even if no one says it, that this must upset MIL/FIL somewhat. WW's H (me!) just got a good job, etc, and even when we struggled, she never had to rely on them for help. Meanwhile Captain Fantastic is doing the same job as WW, making not enough $$$. I know that they were a little surprised that he wasn't "helping her out" after I moved out of our house. After all, he's man enough to help destroy the marriage, why not be man enough to help out financially? I imagine that now, that feeling must be magnified, even if it is a taboo subject. Oooops......

- MIL did say, "so we'll see what happens with all that stuff." It was cryptic, but I'm sure in some way related to A/D/M or whatever. Hmmmmmmm....

Shortly after the convo with MIL, I get a text message from WW, congratting me on the new job, and thanking me for the anniv. card. I sent a somewhat witty reply, and told her to give MIL an extra hug for me. I got an "LOL" response.

It's kind of strange, as for some reason, it gives me hope. At the same time, I'm tempering that with a HUGE dose of realism, that if anything, it may speed up the D. I guess I can always hope that the A dies first.

So a few questions.....

Is there any reason I should change my approach now? Or just wait this out?

Secondly, the income gap between myself and my WW has apparently increased greatly now, as I will be making almost twice what she is. Could she potentially benefit from that financially?

Ethan

Ethan:

"Is there any reason I should change my approach now?"

No.

"Or just wait this out?"

Yes.

See, that was EASY, wasn't it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

"Secondly, the income gap between myself and my WW has apparently increased greatly now, as I will be making almost twice what she is. Could she potentially benefit from that financially?"

Interesting 2uestion for those who've gone through a DV. But, I doubt it, because your pay increased long AFTER she left you. I hope I'm right. Better check.

-ol' 2long

i don't really have an answer to the questions you asked. IMO i would wait it out. but the "good for you" thing you gave me on my post recently goes right back at you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> continued prayers to you, RR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> See, that was EASY, wasn't it! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. It was. I was just......oh, nevermind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Interesting 2uestion for those who've gone through a DV. But, I doubt it, because your pay increased long AFTER she left you. I hope I'm right. Better check.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We still have no legal separation in place. I really don't think she would come after me financially, but never say never...........

Ethan:

Her "right" 2 your income, and 50% of your joint assets, will also be based on the duration of your M and your salary over that time. I doubt it would amount 2 much of a percentage of your current salary, and would likely be part of a lump-sum deal at the time of DV.

Again, check with experts.

-ol' 2long

Ethan,

Ditto 2long. Don't change a thing. Including your expectations!

You're doing great. Keep it up, my man.

GC

About your MIL, in your talk (or talks, I don't know how often you speak to them) have you asked for her support?
Told them what you wish for and ask for their help?

TTSi,

At the beginning, I used to speak to MIL almost daily. Nowadays, its about once every three weeks.

I have asked for thier support in restoring my marriage. They have been supportive of ****ME****, but unfortunately, MIL is unable to look at her own skeletons and stand up to her daughter. She would feel hypocritical. Which sucks, because if MIL & FIL were to say that they would not approve of this ever, this would have broken down long ago.

I'm not sure I stand to gain anything by reiterating my stance on things with MIL.

Do you?


On to today's hijinks............

What a day.

I had to bring my mom to the airport today. I drop her off, and start the hour drive back. The phone rings, I was busy drinking water and changing CDs (and watching the road <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I didn't see the caller id until I'd pressed talk.

It was WW!

WW: Hey.
Me: Bah! (Yes, I actually said that....)
WW: I need a favor.
Me: OK.....
WW: Ex-employer is allowing me to get my 401K $$$, but I need spousal consent. Since we're still married and all, ya know, I need you to sign this form. (Yes, she actually said "still married ya know." Unfortunately one of the things that has come from my "self-improvement" is a great decrease in smart-a$$ comments to things like this....) The HR lady said you can go by there and sign it, or we'll have to get it notarized if you can't sign in front of her. and I can give you $$$ for that.
Me: Actually, I'll be driving by there in about 20 minutes. I can stop and do it today.
WW: Thanks.


And there I am. Dumbfounded by what just happened. She called, disregarded my Plan B, (yes, I know, my fault... Chris, I'll save you the "I told you so"!) and asked me to do a favor.

And me, being a standup guy, happily obliged.

Later on, she TM'd me to say thanks for doing that on short notice. We swapped a few TM's and that was it.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about all this, as it definitely took me by surprise....

Hopefully, tomorrow will be less eventful....

I definitely feel the need to get back into my "safe spot". I wasn't really hurt by the exchanges or anything, but any contact could potentially lead us to a damaging discussion. Should I just say I slipped up, and resend the Plan B letter? Should I restate this stuff to MIL?

Hmmm, tough situation with the MIL eh?
I don't think re-stating to MIL would do much good. If she doesn't ask, she probably knows your goals still.
Only you can really know if they can help.
If you do feel close with her, and she feels
close with you, I don't think there would be any harm in asking for their help.

What kind of help? I don't know. I asked for help from my ILs, while I already knew what kind
of stand up people they were, I was still not expecting their response, which was "We will do whatever it is that you want." Which floored me. I just wasn't expecting that level of support.
I guess that gave me a blank check, but I didn't abuse it. I only told them that I didn't know what specific help I needed, but that they should decide themselves what they wanted to do and how to react to W's behavior.
While I have asked for a small favor here or there, they have stood by me throughout this.
W's choice right now is her family and me, or none of us.

I guess my point is, sometimes when you approach someone with a broken heart and contrite spirit and ask them for help, they can surprise you.

Then again, they can also kick you in the teeth when you're down.

Almost forgot,
I don't think I would resend the plan B letter, at least not yet. If this leads to further attempts at contact with you that is not in line with what you stated in the letter, then that would be a different story.
Most of the time, resending the Plan B letter would be something to do after a false recovery.

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: TTSi ]</small>

Hiya FM....

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I just say I slipped up, and resend the Plan B letter? Should I restate this stuff to MIL?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bah!

Ya know...I figger ya just sorta gave subtle permission for her to talk to you so she'll probably continue to do so. Maybe not tommorrow, but she will again. You might just say to her:

"Ya know WW, I thought I could do this, that we could hold freindly conversations, but it still hurts too much. I think we should go back to the way it was"

This way, you let her know your there, still care, but can't speak to her while she still is in her affair. It's less formal, softer, and does the same thing.

JMHO


Bah! ( I love that) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />