I have been crying since yesterday and can't stop. I can barely function and I am so torn that I can't see what I need to do. I have made an appointment with my Dr and IC. Neither can see me and DD til next week. In my original posts I detailed that my navy (Canadian) H informed me by phone that we are through. No warning but is almost a clone of experience of 3 years ago when he was in an EA. This time, though, he has no cell, I can't check his computer, and I am stumped on how to get proof if there is AW again. I live a 2 hour ferry ride and another 2 hour drive away. He is in such a fog, I can't reach him. I don't know if he is just in MLC or if we can try to work things out. Well, he has said no he doesn't want to try. I want to move back to the same city but he doesn't want that. I know that if there is to be a chance, I have to be there. But, I have to sell the house, pack up all our belongings, and do everything myself with no place to go to. And, no job. I can't see how to get this done. And, he won't talk to me. WOn't answer my emails and just plain refuses to try anything to make things better. He absolutely insists there is no one else. But, when he got off his deployment, he wouldn't touch me. He said he is having "problems" because he doesn't even like me anymore. He has said he hates me even though he "cares" about me. He wants a divorce. He wants to be number one. He wants to be supported and not give everything and not get anything back. Which is just not the truth. Fog horn again. I am so tied in knots I can't even decide if Plan A is still a valid option or straight to Plan B. But, since he is already avaoiding me, and we don't live in the same place and haven't for 2 years, this would be no hardship.

Can anyone suggest ANYTHING I can do?

First thing.....seriously...right now.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and do it again. 10 deep, slow breaths. Then come back and read.

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I was exactly where you are May 13th.

Honestly, chances are it is an affair. You already know that though. So did I. My WH said the EXACT same things. Word for word!

This is much easier to say than it will be to do, but you need to step back. You can't change anything right now, this second. You'll need to collect yourself first. Then, you can start to think about a plan.

I couldn't contact my WH either. Not by phone, email or writing. He was in another country, deployed. It just made me want to contact him more so I spent HOURS for weeks on end, dialing the base phone number trying to get a hold of him, sending endless emotional emails, and getting no where. The more I couldn't contact him, the more I wanted to, was driven to, HAD to.

Sound familiar?

My personal suggestion, one I wish someone would have suggested to me, is go get some books. Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs. Read the information on this site. Keep yourself busy. You have to be there for your daughter. My kids were the only thing that kept me sane.

Knowledge is power. Learn what you can here.

And see your doctor ASAP. Can you get in to see someone else before next week? My anxiety attacks were horrible when I couldn't reach WH or if he didn't call when he said he would. My doctor gave me a short-term mild tranq. to put off the anxiety attacks. It probably saved me...seriously. I have never been through something like that in my life.

I would try to Plan A from afar. There are plenty of people here who do that. The beauty of Plan A is that you work on YOU. Through that, you work on your M.

If you can, call the counseling center here. It made a world of difference for me.

More people will come here and give you advice. Listen to them, I'm actually pretty new to this whole thing myself...about 3 months into MB. But, I've been you...and not so long ago. I hope this helps.

Stop and breathe when you feel yourself "freaking out". Realize you can't make it different right now. It isn't pleasant, but it is time that is going to work here. You can email me if you need to talk to someone who's been there.

paulaann_hernandez@hotmail.com

I haven't been in your situation but I'm extremely sorry for your pain! I think it's horrible the situation you're in right now.

I echo what the last poster said about AD's.
Hang in there for your daughter.

***hugs***

I know how you feel. My H is currently in military training in OH (we live in ME) and he told me two weeks ago that he is having an A. He said that he loves me and cares, but our M is not something that can be worked out. I am so shocked. I wish that I could offer you some advice or words of encouragement, but I can't. I can offer you thoughts and hugs though, and know that you aren't alone, I am going through the exact thing you are.

Not having contact with him is the hardest part. Listen to everyone on here, they have all been very supportive and helpful through this. I know that I am not alone, and that no matter what, I will be okay.

Please take care of you, I went almost the full 2 weeks without eating, now I can just barely get 1 meal a day down. You are important. I quickly discovered that I needed to take care of me so I could take care of our D3.

I am thinking of you and sending hugs.

Ursa.

Thank you, Thank you! FIM, I am taking your advice and trying to breath. I have been mostly lurking for 3 weeks. And I have read your story. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I so understand. May 17th was our 13th anniversary and everything was fantastic, So I thought. End of June he goes to sea. First port, Pearl Harbor and he drops off the face of the earth and spends our bill paying money. No finding him. Very apologetic when he resurfaces. And says we will talk when he gets back. Never happened.
Except he was cold during his 2 week leave. Last thing he said as I was driving back to the ferry, was he wants us to move back to where he is. 3 days later I email him because he is "unavailable" to say yes, we will come back. 4 days after that, he call and tells me he wants a divorce. Jerk.
I just got back from dropping my DD12 off at the ferry to go visit her father. I called him to let him know which one she was on. Rude, Cold and unfeeling. My daughter did not want to go after I told her that he was picking her up - not my friends. I said to go have fun, he loves you, etc. Her response? "Yeah right." "Know what I am going to do when I see him?" What? "Smack him in the head but not say anything." Why? "Because the only words I can think of are swear words!" OMG! She doesn't swear at all.

I have tried to shield her from this, but as soon as I told her that Daddy wasn't happy - again. She said this is exactly the same as last time. She wouldn't speak to him for 2 weeks. On the one hand, I know that he loves her with all his heart. But, she also knows that he swore he would never go this route again. FID. Dork. Then I had to drive back home. BLECH! I could hardly see on the 1 1/2 hour ride home.

Just got off the phone with him. She has arrived. Rude cold, uncaring. Sigh. I just told him about his grandmother probably not lasting the week. Sigh.

I am so devastated, I know about the not eating bit. I try and then I throw up. Have lost over 10 pounds and I was thin as it was.

I would love to use the MB counsellor. Unfortunately, no funds right now. I WILL hold on until MOnday when I see my Dr. I will ask for ADs. I do have lots of support from my older kids and his mother and sister. But, I am tired of crying on their shoulder. It puts them in a difficult position. And they have no hope for us at all. Given his track record.

BS 53
WS 43
EA Jun to Oct 01
1st D-Day Sep 01
reconciled Oct 31 01
Bumpy but worth it
DD 12
Prev Marriage D 25, S 27
2nd D-Day Oct 3 04

"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. "

Good Morning! How are you doing today?

Good Morning. Wish I could sleep a little more. I have been up since 3. Planning. Trying to come to some solution I can live with. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I absolutely hate not knowing what the heck is going on. And it is not in my nature to wait on anyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I had a temperament test done for a job interview recently. I am a 'field marshall' Means that I am a take charge follow through on decisions kind of person.

I am hanging in there. By a thread. The IC called late last night and I see him Monday morning.

I just sent an email that I am sure was a major LB, I think. Do you think I should post it with the innocent and guilty names changed to protect only DD? I bcc'ed everyone including WS. I should get a response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pushing a few buttons might get some honesty. And, I am willing to take the consequences. (at this moment anyway) That is his fury at sharing my concerns with "everyone" might sever all ties.

I know it is a gamble. But, even though this is a recent, - less than a month D-Day, it is a carbon copy of what happened 3 years ago. Step by step, he has done exactly the same thing.
1. Goes on a 3 month deployment.
2. Spends money he shouldn't have
3. Meets someone who is "just like I used to be"
4. Comes home and announces he is not happy
5. Announces he is leaving
The only difference this time is that I haven't found proof positive of an affair and he has no cell and he is already living in a different city, Victoria, BC so the loss of contact is almost a non-issue.
So, in a way this is the other shoe dropping.

I did something for myself last night. I went out with an old male friend. Something I have never done. And, we have made plans to get together again. To go out dancing or to a jazz bar. Perhaps next weekend. (Depending on whether WH comes home to visit. Maybe even then.)

And, as I read this, I need to say that my DD25 and my DS 27 will be coming as well. So nothing "inappropriate". Just a change of scenery. Doing something for me.

He is someone I have know for over 20 years but wasn't in touch with for about 15. He knew me back before my marriage. He is ex of my best friend. I asked her if she thought this was weird that I go visit with him. She encouraged it.
She knows I need a friend outside of my current circle. Someone who knew me when I was single, strong and unscarred by life. Someone who is "safe" I checked with her because I kind of felt weird - knowing I am vulnerable right now, I know I need a safe place without any "man" games. He will always watch my back. I trust him and myself. (Beside the fact he is 5 inches shorter than me, my boundaries would exclude him for countless other reasons as well.)

I am so glad that I talked to him and got a man's perspective with no judgements. I actually had a good time and forgot about my current situation. For a couple of hours, anyway.