Ok, so as my other posts show, my H's OW was my best friend. I know that D-day was a littleo ver two weeks ago, but I am wondering what the census is on talking to OW. I think that if I were to, I could understand and possibly get her to agree to NC. I don't know, maybe it is just wishful thinking but I was just wondering if anyone here has gone that ruote and had any luck. Thanks everyone, you guys get me through this day by day.

In most cases, it's advised NOT 2 talk 2 the OP yourself. But she was your friend. WAS, not IS. In truth, she wasn't even your friend, since she had an A with your H. She was/is one of the worst kinds of cheats.

If/when you do talk 2 her, be sure not 2 be judgmental... ...easier said than done, right? Which is exactly why most people would probably advise that you just let your "friendship" die. You want 2 be matter-of-fact with her. Tell her how her A with your H affects YOU and your FAMILY, and ask that she do the right thing and end all contact with your H. Maybe encourage her 2 reconcile with her H, but don't give an INCH on your boundary, which is NO CONTACT with you our your H for the rest of her life.

best,
-ol' 2long

Thanks 2long, I talked to OW on d-day and was suprised at how I didn't get upset or yell at her. I was very calm and just asked questions, showed my concern for what she did to my family, my M, and our friendship. H said today that OW cries when he talks about me or our D3 and she feels really bad. This is why in my other post I said that I think if anyone would agree to NC, it would be her first. I don't know, I am going to really think about it before it happens, if it happens. I don't think I would have a problem keeping control and not yelling, I have calmed down a lot since d-day and I didn't scream at her then. *sigh* Life is so difficult and maybe that is God's intentions, but why is it those we care most about seem to be the ones who gang up and hurt us?

Well, I received a letter in the mail yesterday from OW. She asked me to forgive her for hurting and betraying me. Went to say how much she valued our friendship blah blah blah. Then asys how we will be in each other's lives forever and we need to atleast be on good terms. I was so upset. Talked to H last night and didn't tell him about it, however, when talking to him today, I told him. He got upset with OW for doing that, he said that he told her that I was very upset and angry with her and to leave me alone. He apologized and said that he asked her not to call me or contact me because he didn't want me to get hurt anymore. On a good note, I am almost positive that he called her after, and this afternoon when he called me, he was very nice, in a good mood and being very positive with me. I think that the OW writting to me and H seeing how it really upset me, (I told him how I got sick to my stomach again and am having trouble eating again)may have really done well for H and I. Maybe he saw how resrespectful that was, I don't know, but he was very upset when I told him.

I also told H that I would not be writting back to her like she asked me to. I said that I am not in the frame of mind to talk to her or write to her and I wouldn't have anything positive to say to her. He thanked me for admitting that and appreciated that I will hold back.

I can't help but feel positve on this, am I wrong? Should I not have told H about the letter? I almost didn't, thinking that he would expect me to write back to her, but now I am glad I told him. Although there has not been any further talk about a D, he still talks about living here. Even though I am plan A'ing now, I will really be able to take advantage of that when H gets home. Any insight? I just want to do this right and you all have been great and are really helping me through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ursaminor01:
<strong> Ok, so as my other posts show, my H's OW was my best friend. I know that D-day was a littleo ver two weeks ago, but I am wondering what the census is on talking to OW. I think that if I were to, I could understand and possibly get her to agree to NC. I don't know, maybe it is just wishful thinking but I was just wondering if anyone here has gone that ruote and had any luck. Thanks everyone, you guys get me through this day by day. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the only reason you should ever talk to the OW is if she does not KNOW that your H is married to you and you need to tell her in case she would CARE.

In your case, this OW knows that you are married to him and doesn't care. There is no reason to expect that she would care NOW after she has actively and shamelessly stabbed you in the back.

Why would you expect that she wouldn't just stab you in the heart again if you called her? There is no reason to think she has changed, is there?

ursa, I think you did really good in telling him that the OW wrote you a letter and telling him how upset you are. It makes the OW look mean and predatory. Your H moved to defend you from her ugliness, which is a good thing.

How revolting of her to suggest that you could ever be friends. Why in the world does she say that you "will be each others lives forever?" What is that about?

Has your H ended contact with her?

No, Melody, you are right, and the letter OW sent to me, is proof of that, she didn't take into consideration how that would make me ultimatly feel. The hardest part of the letter was when she asked me to tell my D3 hello and that she loves her. I didn't tell my D that, she doesn't know what is going on, with her being so young, I would rather wait until something drastic happens, like after H lives here and he ends up moving out, she won't understand and I don't feel like I owe OW anything, especially the affection of my D. Im sorry if that sounds selfish but my D is everything to my, she and my H are my life and OW has done nothing but cause pain to my family and that doesn't deserve anything in my book.

Looks like you were posting again when I was replying. H is currently stationed in OH, (we live in ME) and he still calls OW. I have stressed that this hurts me, but he also says that our M isn't something that can be worked on. However, today, he was talking about when he comes home to me and said something about making love. I got quiet and he asked why. I said "I don't get how you can talk like that and have the desire to be with me intimatly and live with me, but not want to actually be with me." He said "I do want to be with you and in the M, but I feel alone." I told him that I am working on being a better me and making changes in how I was in the relationship and M. He said that he could see that I was trying and I was making changes and got quiet. I don't know, I am hoping that even though he will still be gone for 2 months, and he still talks to OW even though I ask him not to, that in that time he will come to his senses. *sigh* One can hope, right?

The "being in each other lives forever" is because she is assuming that her baby she had last year is my H's, no tests have been done and no one else thinks this. The baby looks just like OW's H and yet OW still is saying that it is my H's. My H has asked her repeatedly to get tests done, but she keeps coming up with excuses as to why she hasn't yet. When I told my H that she had put "in each other's lives forever" he got upset and said how he wished she would get the test over and done with. He and I have discussed the baby being his since D-day and he said that at the time she got preg. they had sex once around the same time and then they decided not to do it again. They stayed away from each other in an A sense, (however he was good friends to OW's H) and when she found out she was preg. they got talking about what if it was his and so forth and that was how the EA began and that turned into a full blown PA.
I believe him, I know how much he loves being a dad to our D3, and being a father is something that he takes seriously. He doesn't think the baby is his, but also wants to be sure before he just diseragrds the possiblity of it.

Does the OWH know about the affair?

Yes, he found out the same day I did. He doesn't want anything to do with his W, I suggested he come here but I don't think he will. He doesn't understand how I can be nice to my H and still talk to him and write to him everyday, I just told him that I love my H and our family and I know that true love can get through anything.

ursa, I just went back and read some of your previous posts. I think you need to make it clear to him that he can't carry on his affair with OW and stay married to you. It is disrespectful and destructive to your marriage. You must say this to him and be firm - but civil - about it. Tell him that he will eventually have to get rid of the OW.

I would also let him know that you will not be "friends" with him if you do split up. What he wants is a no fault divorce where you are all good buddies so he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions. Don't aide and abet him in this.

You are in a real precarious situation right now and almost have to stay in Plan A until he gets home. I would keep doing what you are doing for now, but its important to lay down boundaries here to protect yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ursaminor01:
<strong> Yes, he found out the same day I did. He doesn't want anything to do with his W, I suggested he come here but I don't think he will. He doesn't understand how I can be nice to my H and still talk to him and write to him everyday, I just told him that I love my H and our family and I know that true love can get through anything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What about the baby? Does he think it is his? Is he paying child support?

No, all of the paperwork says OW's H and the baby has his last name. My H doesn't know what to think. He told me he didn't use protection which makes me nervous. He wants a test done but like I said, OW hasn't done it and who knows when she will. OW is living with a friend and has the baby, her H has their 8 year old son with him. Her H still gives her money for the baby, he wants it to be his and thinks it is his as well.

LI'l Dipper: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Since the OW and her H are going foward as if this baby is theirs, not your H's, regardless if they choose 2 stay 2gether or DV, there is absolutely no reason for you or your H 2 have anything 2 do with them for the rest of your lives.

You can lay this out as one of your boundaries 2 your H without LBing. Stating your feelings and boundaries about what has happened and what you want your fu2re 2 be is HONESTY, it is not LBing.

He will likely be angry. But Penny Tupy has said many times that, if the WS gets upset with something you do, it's a good indicator that it was the right thing 2 do.

best,
-ol' 2long

Ursa, 2Long is right. If you act like his contact is OK, he will just keep doing it. You can't let that happen.

2long, you know your astronomy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My H wants to know regardless of the paternity of the baby, I know that he would want to be a part of the child's life if he were the father, and I wouldn't deny him that. He is still holding very strongly on the fact that he cares for OW and our M cannot be saved, I am afraid mentioning OW and her H raising the child as theirs, would be a total LB at this point. I have mentioned about OW's H still being in the child's life if my H is the father, and he said that he would let him be in his life, after all, he is the father the child has known now for a year (Nov 9 b'day). It almost feels to me that the only reason the A started again and the only reason it is still going on now, is because of the child. I asked my H "if it weren't for OW getting pregnant, would you have started the A back up" and he said "no, the baby is the only reason I began having feelings for her".

At this point, I think the only reason he won't agree with NC is because of the child. This hurts, although I know what a good, loving father he is and I know that he always tries to put best interest in our D. I feel that if the test were done and came back that OW's H was the father, this would make it easier for my H to come back and have NC with her. However, if it turned out the other way and my H was the father, I think he would feel obligated because he hasn't been there to support her or the baby. He said something the other day I won't qoute so I don't misqoute him, but he said that if she were to have him pay back child support, he would understand and pay it. Now to me and according to our laws here, if they were together and living together than he wouldn't have to pay support. So that was a good feeling to me, although I am not sure if he is aware of the way that works.

I am just so lost. OW's letter really upset me with her assuming my H is the father and I said that to my H today. I said it nicely and didn't get upset, just stated that I felt it was unfair that she assumes the paternity and I was very hurt by this. He agreed and apologized for her.

I know that a lot depends on the paternity and I know that is partly why OW is putting off getting her H tested, (my H wouldn't be able to until he gets home in 2 months). Atleast by her own H getting tested, that would give us some sort of idea what is going on. I asked my H today when she was planning on having it done and he said he didn't know and would ask her again.

On another note, the child looks nothing like my H. Baby has blue eyes and blonde hair, OW has red hair and blue eyes, my H has dark brown hair and hazel eyes, OW's H has blonde hair and I am not sure of his eyes. The only thing OW said to me about the baby being my H's was that he had my H's birthmark. My H just has a storkbite on the back of his neck that never went away. The baby was premature and online, a storkbite is lack of pigments and is not inherited and most of the time they go away by the time the child is 9. That is the only reasoning she gave me.

I am hurt and although the child thing hurts me, that doesn't matter to me, I could deal with it if it were my H's and there would be high demands on visitations and my always having to be there with him for them. I just want my M and feel that, although the baby is an issue, I need to concentrate on what is really important, my H and my M.

Polaris: (yes, I do know astronomy!):

"My H wants to know regardless of the paternity of the baby,"

I can understand his desire 2 know whether he's the father, but it's more the OW's and the OWH's business than it is his. He's complicating his life unecessarily by persuing this, especially if the child isn't his.

"I know that he would want to be a part of the child's life if he were the father, and I wouldn't deny him that."

Being "part of the child's life" may involve nothing more than him paying child support, depending on what the courts decide.

"He is still holding very strongly on the fact that he cares for OW and our M cannot be saved, I am afraid mentioning OW and her H raising the child as theirs, would be a total LB at this point.'

Not if you're not disrespectful of HIM when you lay down the line. Your boundaries are about YOU, and what you can live with, not him.

You have 2 months. I would suggest you start working with a real professional (I recommend either one of the Harleys on this site, or Penny Tupy of saveyourmarriagecentral.com). Be prepared for plan B when he re2rns home. You need 2 tell him that, if he doesn't believe the M can be saved, then he shouldn't be talking 2 you about coming home and being intimate with you. That's extremely selfish. Push him off the fence.

-ol' 2long

2long, thank you. H called me and was very sad, I asked him what was wrong, OW's H bought a paternity test and he is nervous. He said that either way he will be a little disappointed. He said that since she was preg, he has thought it was his child and he will be sad and feel bad for not being in his life more. He also said that if the child is not his, he will feel horrible for have been thinking he was his. I told him that no matter what the results are, I love him and would be willing to work on accepting the OC because I want our M to work, it means a lot to me. He thanked me and said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I do not know. I feel like he thinks the baby is his and I also think that if the baby isn't, that may be what it takes for him to not talk to OW anymore. So here I sit, the pain in my chest and stomach has returned. We will know in a week if OW's H is the father. I feel so frightened, I am afraid that if the baby is my H's, than I have lost him because of his guilt he feels for not being in his life. I don't want to loose my H or my M and I think I may. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

ursa:

I'm sorry this is happening 2 you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I understand that he's "hooked" on this OW, but he really needs 2 think about this in a more objective fasion.

I strongly believe he should HOPE that the child is not his, because if it is, and the OW and her H want 2 reconcile, he could end up paying child support for the next 18 years. If he chooses 2 be MORE involved in the child's life, like DVing you and marrying the OW, he will have 2 continue his chosen effort 2 break up 2 families. And if he goes THAT route, is he someone you want 2 be M'd 2? Didn't think so.

You have sounded pretty level-headed through this, but I can't see how you're really doing. Consider getting a prescription for anti-depressants. I did for a month and a half when I needed them, and they probably saved my life. Many others here will probably tell you the same thing.

All my best regards,
-ol' 2long

OW's H alerady has moved on and is dating, I don't think her H will ever forgive her, when I spoke with him, he stated how he doesn't even like talking to her but has to for their 8 yr old. OW told him that regardless of how the father is, that my H and she were going to be together. I don't know. When I asked my H "what are you hoping for, please be honest it is between you and I" he just said "well, since she was preg I have thought he was mine, but I don't know what I am hoping for." I am afraid that he is hoping the baby is his because he doesn't want to feel like OW led him on and he always talked of more children.

As for me, I actually am doing rather well, a lot better than I would have thought I would do. I am working on doing things for me and going to the gym. Although I am really sad and hurt, I dont feel I am depressed. I see a IC right now and will talk to him about AD but wuold rather not if I can avoid it. Thank you for looking out, talking with people on here has really been the best therapy for me really.


I know this week will seem like forever to me, waiting to hear the results of the test back. H's mother was here today when H told me about the paternity test, she feels that he would only go with OW if the baby was his and that would be because he would feel bad and like he needed to be there. MIL has been wonderful, very supportive of me and wants me to stick it through and try. That has been helpful as well.

I talked to H a little while ago and he was trying to get me to talk all sexy to him. I said that I didn't feel comfortable doing that, he asked why and I said that it feels like I am being led on and not sure how to take it. All he said was "the face of a quarter is still just the face of a quarter." It was like a slam in the face. He apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. Right after he said he was going to go he didn't feel well. I asked him if I hurt his feelings and he said no, he just wanted to go. I then did a really bad bad thing. I had a trigger for some reason and blew up at him, I said "you know what? Go call OW, you andI both know that is what you want to do and you obviously have her set to be your main priority over our family" and hung up..... Ooops. I don't know what triggered, I saw OW today, don't think she saw me and it just hurt so much and I was upset and I am just tired of him still talking to her when he knows it hurts me, which is why I think he lies to me about it, to protect me. But it doesn't protect me, it hurts, I know what he is really doing when he says at 6 at night he wants to go to sleep.

Wow, this was really long winded, I am sorry, I just had to get it out of me I guess. Daughter is asleep so I can't distract myself with her.