Well hello...seems about every 4 weeks I need to lean on you guys...For those who remember, I'm the BS and we...Deb and I got back together on July, 2th....after a 5 month seperation, while I did'nt get the news til I talked of giving up and filing. Anyhow...she went out after work with the girls, this was also one of her boundaries she shared that she wanted to do once a week prior to us trying to recover. It just seems that although I know she isn't going to see OM or anything like that...this new to me activity seems to bother me. Does this make any sense? She did'nt go out last Thursday after telling me these was her plans...she came home to surprise me. But this week she told me Monday of this weeks plans that included this. I didn't reject, but found myself acting mean towards her yesterday evening and doubting her love for me. Yes, I'm insecure...but I need to stop this part of my behavior. Please give me a little advice. Thanks. PS....she says we are doing fine!

WoWB going out with the girls is not a boundary, it's the lack of one.

Does she understand how little she can be trusted in early recovery?

That said, you agreed to it. If you agreed to it, you need to suck it up. If you want to revisit the agreement, then do it. But either you're okay with her going out, or you're not, and either she's okay with your wishes, or she's not.

PoJA. Find a way to make it work where you respect her wishes, assuming they are innocent, and she respects yours. Don't wait for Thursday to come along and then freak out about it.

Think of the more complicated things people have to work out in recovery. This is happy hour, for heaven's sake! It isn't brain surgery. Figure it out.

GC

Thanks, GC....I really understand...I've or we have been given a second chance at our marriage and maybe my holding her too tight in the past was a trouble spot for her. Anyhow,your reply made me think of this in a different way. Also, what's PoJA?

WelderBoy, I can relate to you concerns as I am PLAN B'ing my WS and have same concerns for the future.
One of the things that I am not happy about is the fact that WS indicated that she wants to continue her freedom if we decide to work things out longer term. The additional freedom was what allowed the A to continue in the first place.

I know that this is a hot issue for me as trust is such a big part of my relationship(s), always has always will be. The end result being that I explained to my WW that it was not something that I was prepared to consider (certainly in the early stages of an reconcilliation). Until WS regains your complete trust (which may take a very long time), you are feeling what I imagine are totally normal and expected emotions.

As GC said, if you agreed, then you may need to suck it up / revisit you PoJA. Do it sooner rather than later or you will find yourself LB'ing as the dreaded night out comes around. You have negotiated much more complex issues, you should be able to resolve this as well.
Good luck RM

Policy of Joint Agreement. Everything each of you does is enthusiastically agreed upon by the other.

Let's say you were too possessive.

She had an A, and now says one of the problems in the M was you being too possessive, not being able to let her have enough independence.

If your possessiveness was a problem for her and made it easier for her to have the A, I take it you are interested in working on that.

But so let's try and distinguish the possessiveness from the fact that you can't trust her. I sympathize, really. You can't. Shouldn't.

You don't want to be too "grabby" with her, because she doesn't like it.

She doesn't want to contribute to you not trusting her, I assume.

So how can she have independence and go to happy hour without you climbing the walls until she gets home?

Could you show up after a little while, meet her there? I seem to recall it's some distance from your home. She'd get some time with the girls, and you'd be reassured that she'd be there when you arrived. And you'd wind up together.

If she needs an entire night of drinking and partying without you once a week, I think that's stupid, and you have no obligation to accommodate that.

And I won't even go into the question of her getting ripped and driving 20-30 miles home afterward.

I can't help but ask, is she ready to grow up yet? Sorry WoFM, I just have a hard time getting behind this. And I'm no homebody, I LOVE to go out.

GC

Hey...I just read about the policy of joint aggreement...and we really don't have one. I guess that maybe during the weekend, I'll show this to Deb. It's now 10:10 PM and I'm hoping to here a phone call from her letting me know she is on her way home. I'd really handle this better if she came home a bit earlier...she is usually done with work about 5:30 and is 50 min. from home. They go to a place close to work....so that means she isn't going to be here by 11 PM...and I think that more than fair. Later.

Hey GC...I just read your post...and the last couple times out she was'nt ripped. She tells me that she usually has 3 beers and then eats and finishes the evening drinking soda pop. As for drinking in the seven years prior to this...I think she had only drank about 3 times total. The girls at work....a couple single and a couple divorsed made this big fun for her. Hell....the only thing I know anymore...is she is 110 percent gives it all for her work. I don't know how grownup she is?

Well, I am sorry if that was an insult, that stuff about growing up.

And that's good if she isn't putting too many away.

WB, perhaps there's something you could do to make her look forward to coming home on these nights?

GC

Yep...I myself worked over but was home at 8 pm. It's now 10:50...am I wrong if I try to reach her cell phone?

You're not wrong. She should expect you to call. If you feel that she will react badly to you calling, then don't do it. When she gets home, be calm. Don't get into it tonight. She is probably expecting you to flip and dreading her arrival at home. Surprise her by being cool about it.

Now - I find this defiant wish to have time away from you (my impression) not at all a good thing, WB. I think you should have a discussion about it. Later. Like, Sunday.

GC

Thanks...I just tried to call...I get no answer then her voice mail. I post up later...heck at this point I've got to be cool, or ready for plan B?

I think you should trust your intuition at times like this. I'm sorry you're having agony tonight. Hang on, man. Recovery is tough, huh? Careful what you wish for, all that.

GC

Hey...I have cell numbers for a couple of the girls she is with...? way wrong to phone one of them?

I think you should try and do your best to be calm, man. I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. But if something is up, her girlfriends are probably not your allies right now.

gc

WB - Take it from me, she won't appeciate you calling her friends. Chances are she isn't answering cause she may not want to. Not necessarily a bad thing, could be she doesn't want to let "control" her and is making a point to you.

As GC suggested, best to take up when you have a cool head, not tonight when the emotions are amped up.

Again, you both have to agree as to what is acceptable, no one else can really do that. I do agree with GC about trusting your "gut". I know that mine told me a lot of things that turned out to be right. Good luck and keep a cool head!!! You have done some great work to get to this point!!!

Man...I hate to post this. I left my place at 11:30 and headed up to the club. I rode past and saw her ride and her girlfriends car....but didn't go in. I called the bar and asked for her...they said she was'nt there. So...I head in...place is fairly empty, but I have a Coke and sit there for awhile....20 mins. maybe more...I heard voices in the woman's restroom...although, I had been ther for sometime...I didn't recall anyone's voice ...but heard a guy also. I think her friends where hidin' out. I figured I'm not playing this game, but as I leave...a pickup truck pulled in frt. of my wifes car...I see thru the windsheild....they hurry up and do a U turn and leave....I'm 99 percent it was her....this was at 1 AM and it's now 2:23 AM and I haven't heard a word...her phone is now turned off....

Well...it's 3 now...she is on her way. Told me...that the way I treated her Wed. was about it.
Finnally admitted about what I saw...and they left in a hurry to stop from having trouble...they the group of people , went toanother place and she rode back with this dude.
Hell, she said she might want a D...just so she can do her own thing...tonight she said...I just want to go to bed. Any advice? And goodnight.

Well, I got her to bed, she wanted me to "spoon" and hold her...I did for a bit to get her asleep, but I can't seem to rest. She told me the guy was Shane from work...she had rode over to the other place with the gang...but they kind of slipt up and she asked that guy for a ride, but when she saw me....they didn't want trouble. I love my wife dearly....and want my trust back...but I guess I need "peace" in myself. I asked Deb if she thought the Lord would tell me if I should stay with her? She said if I would pray I would learn the answer...for now...she says she was mad at me...for the way I acted Wed. night when I was being a Butthole for wanting her here at home. I hope...I've been doing the right things.

Could you show up after a little while, meet her there? I seem to recall it's some distance from your home. She'd get some time with the girls, and you'd be reassured that she'd be there when you arrived. And you'd wind up together.

If she must go to the bar, then try to get her agree to this suggestion of Grays. It's the best solution (other than her not going).

I understand exactly how you feel welderboy as bars are a very big trigger for me. I don't think people who are married should be going to the bar without their spouse on a weekly basis. Maybe every few months or so. Especially if the people she is going with are all single.

I don't see how you can POJA a thing like going to the bar as a POJA requires an entusiastic agreement between you two, not a compromise.

However you can't put a cage around her either. My BF likes to go to the bar occasionally and I don't like to go and I refuse to let it cause me to become upset anymore. I finally told him if he wanted to go to the bar then I won't stop him but if it becomes a habit again, I am done with the relationship. A barfly is not the type of man I want to be married to.

We are trying to get involved with some childrens programs in town now, and hopefully we can be counselors at a summer camp together. I am focusing now on getting involved in things that would feed his need to socialize but in a more productive way. It requires a lot of change for me too, as I am really a homebody.

Maybe you could think about trying to get involved in activities that your wife would like and the bars would not be such an issue anymore.

Just a thought.

I do know exactly how you feel.

Weaver, thanks for your thoughts. We just got up and she is feeling pretty rough. I asked her if she had more fun than staying home, snuggling and having a snack with TV and she said "No". So, I am about clueless...other that she just wants to be a rebel? I agree, I don't want to be a barfly myself.