Today my H delivered the divorce papers. He wanted the name of my lawyer to have it all go through them, but I wouldn't give it to him. If he's going to divorce me, then I don't see why he should hide behind the lawyers. <P>I guess I'm in denial. When he gave me the envelope, I said "You keep these, I don't want them" and gave them back to him without opening the envelope. He left it sitting there. So while he was in the other room I wrote in magic marker "I love you" on the envelope and stuck it in with his mail that he was taking. He saw it, but left with it anyway. So what happens now? I suppose some court person will have to serve me papers so I can't refuse them. Am I in danger of being labelled "uncooperative" because I wouldn't take the papers? Well, he wouldn't cooperate with our marriage, so I don't see why I should cooperate with HIS divorce.<P>I know its silly -- It was just my honest reaction.

Honesty is exactly what your husband needs, Annie. Stick to your guns. Your reaction wasn't silly at all.<P>Sending a big batch of prayers your way...

You need to find out if your state accepts unsigned divorce papers. Oklahoma does so even if you don't sign them the divorce will go through, but this isn't the case in all states.So check! I told my H I would get the divorce when I can afford it which will be along time from now even if I won a million dollars. But I live in fear he will figure out away to get one and I won't have anything to say about it. However I will countersue I want to file on adultry grounds. Make me feel better anyway. If you don't have a lawyer you can check on the internet for your state laws on divorce. Use your search engine and type in divorce laws. Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>di

Beautiful reaction. What a wonderful way to handle the most awful situation.<P>Feel good inside, you deserve it.

Annie,<P>I don't know what the laws are in your state but I would guess that unless an officer of the court (basically a driver with a padge, sworn in by the state) delivered the divorce papers it will not stand in court. I am not a lawyer but any court will have to have prove that your received them. His handing them to you is not proof. Any lawyer will argue that it never happened. He slipped it under the door, put it in the mail box, gave it to one of the kids to give to mom. Well...<P>You didn't sign for it, you never saw it, it was just another bill, the cleaning lady threw it away, the mail man thought it was an outgoing letter, go check the kids room, it could be buried with their Pokeman cards. I just don't know.<P>Annie, You have been here longer than me, I am watching for your posts, we will make it somehow.

Annie,<P>I think you did exactly what you should have. I know it’s what I told my Wife I will do. Not give her any assistance in a divorce and I’ll contest it for ANYTHING I can!<P>I don’t believe (I’m not a lawyer) being uncooperative is going to do anything one way or the other to a divorce case.<P>Keep strong!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Annie, I LOVE your response! You don't want the divorce ... you don't have to cooperate with him. It's YOUR marriage - HIS divorce - you did the right thing!<P>You GO, girl!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

<BR>Annie -<P>Sorry about H bringing you those papers. It is an awful time and my heart goes out to you.<P>I like what you did though!!!<P>Wonder why he brought them to you - I have never heard of that...just of a sheriff bringing them to "serve" - maybe the cost? Here it costs $250 for the sheriff to serve. <P>Stick to doing what you "feel", Annie!!<BR>Like K says, Honesty........<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba<BR>

(((((Annie)))))

Well, the next day when he was coming to see the kids I told him to bring the papers. I did make a suggestion to him, though. If I cooperate, the divorce takes 90 days. If I don't cooperate, it will take about a year. I suggested he move home and we work on things for 6 months. If he still wants a divorce after that, then I will cooperate and it will all be over in 9 months without a court battle. <P>He's thinking about it, but its a long-shot. Much too much like me controlling him and making demands. So it has about zero chance of working anyway. But I figured it was worth a shot. Better than me sobbing "How can you do this to us?" which hasn't worked well so far.

Sheba -<BR>I'm from Colorado as is Annie and here, we have the option of personal delivery of the divorce papers. I picked up the paperwork from my attorney and brought them home. Included were the copies for W with a letter instructing her to returned a signed and notarized acknowledgement form within 10 days or personal service would be obtained.<P>I preferred this method as she is only home and not asleep for 3-4 hours a day and actually finding her at home could be difficult. She works 11-12 hours per day. I thought that there would be significant embarrassment if she were served at work. <BR>Actually, at times, I preferred that option, but good sense finally won out.

Animac,<P>Much like you i'm facing a situation where my W wants a divorce. She plans to move out within 30 days and may file at any time. She has a lawyer and the papers are ready and waiting for her to give the word.<P>The purpose of my response (besides offering my prayers) is to present an argument i just recently ran across that says we should not impede our spouse's desire for separation or divorce. Now, before i get challenged, let me say that i'm merely presenting the position. I'm not 100% sure i buy it, but think it deserves some consideration. <P>Anyway, in his book When The Vow Breaks, Warren Kniskern (spelling) says we should treat our spouses who wish to leave as the father treated the son in the parable of the Prodigal Son. That is, 1) we let them go with them knowing that we love and care for them, 2) we do not prevent or protect them from the consequences of thier decisions, and 3) we leave the door open for them to return and when/if they do we great them with forgiveness.<P>I wish you all the best.

I don't think you should make it easy for him. Has any of this been easy for you. As long as you do what you feel is best, you are in good shape.

I think you are handling the situation magnificently. I understand your suspicions about your husband's likely interpretation of your offer. Still, I think it was a smart thing to do. Is it possible he could be encouraged to come up with compromises of his own so he could feel more bought into it? If only we could get these spouses to negotiate using POJA ...<P>A year is a long time to work on this situation. If he's gotten back involved with OW from work, it's a good amount of time for that relationship to cool off. It's also a good amount of time for you to work on yourself, for your own benefit as well as your husband's.<P>I know your reading is extensive, but I'm wondering if you've hung out at the Divorce Buster's site at all. I think some of their approaches, particularly the Last Resort, are very appropriate when divorce has been filed, you still want to save the marriage, but you also must develop an outside life for yourself to handle either eventuality. It's like Plan B, but less extreme(you have contact). I think it's more appropriate when there are young children involved and the husband is a conflict-avoider (assuming you can control the love-busters, begging and pleading, and aura of sadness when he's around).<P>Best of luck. It's not nearly over.

nlitend-This sounds like an interesting book. I think that for a long time now what I've really needed to do is just let go. Knowing I need to do it and doing it are two different things, however. I'd much rather let go with love than let go with hatred, however. <P>I have trouble with the DivorceBusters last resort technique. It just seems so manipulative! <P>I spoke to him tonight briefly on the phone and he said he's thinking about my proposal. I was really surprised! I didn't think he'd even consider it. But I'm not holding my breath. <P>I'm going to meet with my pastor this week. I think its time to let go. I just need to find a way to be a peace with it, when every fiber of my being is screaming "NO!!!!"<P>This situation has required more strength than I ever knew was possible. But I think having a "friendly" divorce will require even more strength -- more than I may be capable of. But what's best for my kids in the long run? I can't control his decision to divorce me. But perhaps I can do some damage control for the kids. Maybe saving my marriage isn't what God expects of me. Maybe saving my kids is all I can do.

Ani -<BR>Big hugs to you. I know some of what you are feeling - although each situation is different. I remember about 7 weeks ago when my H told me he wasn't coming back and wanted a divorce, you were there for me in a post and sounded so strong. And you still do. I too have swung back and forth from "knowing I need to let go" to wanting to do anything to hold on. But you are so right, we can't control their divorcing us, but we can control how we handle it for our kids. And it is harder than anything I've done so far.<P>I hate the title of this book - "Healthy Divorce" - but if you are ready to read something that is kid-centered and gives a good portrayal of how the "leaver" and the "left" go through the divorce process I recommend it. I gave it to my H to read when he was pushing me to set up appts. with mediators, tell the kids, etc the first week after his "decision" (when I was lucky to be getting out of bed in the morning). It had a big impact on him (no - he didn't come back to me) and he was much more thoughtful, and conscientious about letting me go at my own speed, backing off on telling the kids until we had more detail, etc. And it helped me understand where he was coming from a bit better as well.<P>Take care of yourself Ani. <P>Starpony