pls see http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=032736

and help? tonight's a real boiler room. Here, e have our lives in shreds about us, it is clear that we wish to build, to stay together, yet we fight (old habits?)

I called his OW tonight.She said "I give him back".

do I really want to be 'seconds' - if he doesn't waant me enough to make the choice himself - what do I HAVE?????

I'm not feeling like I am a winner. Did she do this on purpose?

Restarting-

It seems like your getting seconds. It seems like he isn't getting his first choice so he is coming back to you as the consolation prize... but that's really not what he is thinking.

It's not! His mind is so foggy that he doesn't know right from wrong, up from down, truth from a lie, love from infactuation. As his head clears he will "see" again and realize that the love he shares with you is the real love that he was looking for all along. It will be okay. He will see it for what it is.

You are not the consolation prize...you're the GRAND PRIZE. What you need to do is to make sure that prize is ready to be awarded. Make the M the best it has ever been so that he see's the GRAND PRIZE. You are that prize!

Hang in there! He does want you first. He's just foggy and confused.

2scared

restart...agree completely with 2s.

Regarding the OW...why did you call her? What was said? I ask this because t usually isn't a good idea to verbally contact them (from what I've read.) For reasons such as what happened to you.
Don't forget, she too is in the fog. And don't believe her either. She's got nothing to lose.

Keep your head up, restart. Hang in there.

Restarting,

You could never be "seconds"! Don't you ever allow yourself to feel that way. Love is what is going to bring him home, love is what is going to guide your marital recovery... and like 2scared said, you are the Grand Prize, nothing less... and love is never second best!

**why in the world would you talk to or listen to a crack head? You stay away from her, she is poisen. (and this is coming from someone who loves almost everyone, but I won't waste a second with a crack head, and I would never believe a word one said!)

Thanks for the replies.

I just posted our conversation on my original thread.

Thing is, I know I can't believe her, and apparrently I can't believe H either. Guys, he won't tell me the truth about ANYTHING any more until confronted with hard evidence, and then he get's resentful at the 'snooping' and tightens up his net!

Reality says she's lying and will call him and he's infatuated with the fantasy and will call her and then lie again about it.

This watching over your shoulder stuff is exhausting.

Last night, he greeted me when I got home with teary eyes (I think greiving losing her - but had hoped it was remorse for what he's done), then got ticked and said - just look around in our bathroom, and you'll see what's bothering me...

I had NO idea what he was talking about!

After looking and looking, he finally came in and said,"you leave all this stuff around, advertising to everyone what's going on. I don't want everyone to know. I just want it over"

snap

Me- YOU'RE the one who did it! You don't want people to know you did something, don't do it!

He- I can't live like this. You did this on purpose.

Me- (trying to bring back a rational thought, failing) Look, I know I had a part in this, but you're the one who decided to go with it, to continue it, to lie and lie and keep doing it.

He- I don't know, I just can't take this.(starts looking through his closet, taking shirts out)

Me- Fine, but don't bother, I'll do it for you (I get a box and start loading it)

He- oh, so that's why the boxes showing up!

Me- no, I was going to finally clean out and give away Mom's things, but hey, it works out (still packing)

Me- I give you back to her. I don't want somene around that has to have his GF make the decision for him.

etc etc etc you can see where this went.

Anyway, long and short of it, truce. He went out to pick up dinner and I unpacked the boxes.

Need a path. Need a map. Need to get out of here, bad.

OK OK OK

I'm venting.

I'm wrong for exploding.

it sure is hard to get my head straight....

restarting the key to your recovery lays in your husbands ability to see the futility of his own actions....

until he can see his own actions for what they are...he does not grasp what he has done...

has he any clarity...?

any a'tall..??

ark

Thanks for the pats on the back and encouragement!

ark- he does indeed have moments of clarity, fully seeing the reality and absurdity of it all and tells me he loves me and wants a good, strong healthy marriage.

Then <whack> out comes some bizare statement!

or I find out - again - that he's still calling her, taking her calls, who knows what else?

I really want the H that I can trust and have faith in again!