I am new to message boards. This is one of those topics you really don't want to talk to your friends about. I have loved my wife very much ever since I met her. I have known for a while that something was going on but the information was slow to materialize. I have never given her any reason to hurt me. Within the past month I have found 100% proof of her infidelity. She works with this guy and he lives in the state next to us about 4 hours away. She does not know that I have any knowledge of her cheating. We have a child and I never thought she would risk hurting us for something this stupid. I never had a trust issue with her; it was the one thing I felt secure in. The boyfriend she had before me cheated on her and I thought for sure she would never hurt me that way. I also found that the other man has cut the relationship, for now, and she thinks she is in love with him, I think. For the past year I have tried to be everything she could ever ask for in a husband. I think the lust she has with the other man has just turned me into the roommate. Part of me wants to do whatever I can to save our family. The other part of me wants to go home and kick her out of the house and divorce her and get custody of our child. If we did not have a child she would have already been gone. Does anyone know if there is anyway that a father can get custody over a cheating wife and what proof he would need to do so? In a few weeks I was thinking of talking to a lawyer just to get my ducks in a row incase the affair is not over. I do not want to confront her because if I do I am worried about loosing the chance to gain custody of my child. I figure that if the affair is over I may bring it up down the road, but I am not sure if I can keep the hurt in for that amount of time. What does everyone think I should do with my situation? Do I just hope that it’s over and worry that every time she goes to work she is actually going to work? How does a husband work his way through this hurt? This has been driving me crazy for too long, and I don’t want to loose my child because I did nothing wrong.

h3:

Welcome! You've come 2 a great place.

I suggest you go 2 the home page and read the articles about infidelity. There are a lot of ways 2 deal with them, very few of which fit what you are contemplating here. Dealing with an affair "the right way" is often very counterin2itive, but it works.

First, you SHOULD confront her with your evidence, or at least the fact that you know of her affair (assuming you want 2 keep your source intact in case you need proof she's ended it). Don't let the affair go on another minute without bursting her secrecy bubble RIGHT NOW.

2nd, you should expose the affair 2 people who could have the biggest impact on ending it. This would, first and foremost, include the other man's wife, if he's married. If he's not, then his immediate family and their workplace.

Your wife will be angry with you for doing these things, but her anger will be unjustified.

You want 2 read up on "plan A" here, and get busy with it. VERY important (and very hard 2 do at first) is NOT 2 be disrespectful of your wife or "lovebust" by having hurtful arguments. It is okay for you 2 tell you how her actions make YOU FEEL, but you can't control what she does. You can only control yourself.

Put DV out of your mind for now. Don't even mention it 2 her. And change the subject if she mentions it 2 you. Before you contact a lawyer, get with a good counselor or marriage coach. Steve Harley, Jennifer Chalmers Harley (from this website) and Penny Tupy (trained by Willard Harley, author of Marriage Builders) do phone in counseling and coaching. I urge you 2 call one of them right away and get 2 work with one of the 3 best in the business.

best,
-ol' 2long

Hurt3

I also welcome you and I echo the advice 2Long gave you. He as well as the other folks here, BS [betrayed spouses] and FWS [former betrayed spouses], are the BEST people you could ever hope to find ANYWHERE for emotional support and advice.

You are NOT alone.

So sorry to see you here. I agree with all the advice you have been given thus far.

You emotional ups and downs are what we call the rollercoaster ride. Nasty little ride that we have no choice but to hang on thru. As time passes you will learn to navigate the dips and twists but the beginning can leave your head spinning. Posting here will help. We all know what it is like. Not fun.

It is good that OM (other man) has cut her loose. Many of us here pray daily for that to happen. So your situation from the stand point of saving your M sounds quite manageable.

I would like to second the motion that you read the info on A's contained on this site. All A's are the same. You will see what I mean as you read on in the forum and through the literature contained here. Right off buy the book "Surviving an Affair". It will serve as a compass for you on your journey. Another essential read is "His Needs Her Needs". And if things get really bad Dr. James Dobson's "Love must be tough".

Don't forget we are here for you! And above all remember to take care of yourself. Things can get rough for the BS (betrayed spouse) sometimes.

God Bless.

C.

Thanks for the advice. As soon as I read your response a light went on. I have been living with her secret for to long. I am ready to do whatever I need to do to end this ridiculous affair. I just hope that if this does not work I will not loose my child because right now my child is number one. I feel that if this had happened before the child I would have ended a long time ago. Right now for some weird reason I still love her but then I hate her.

I am planning to expose the affair next weekend. I have to wait until then to get myself prepared and I have to do this without my kid’s ears around. Could you give me some ways to confront her without me or her getting angry? You know she will deny the affair. How do I convince her that I know without showing all my cards? What are some things I need to say and what are some things that I do not want to say?

The second part of the plan says to expose it to others. Do I expose this to her family and friends or his? He lives in another state and even though I know his wife’s name I do not have their home phone. Besides I think she was having one herself. Although I do not know if she knew he was. I cannot expose this to her family because like most women they all ready blame them for everything bad in their lives. I may be able to expose this to her friend. Is exposing this to outsiders really a good thing to do? If so why? I think this will be Plan A2.

I am not sure that he has cut he loose like I thought because there was a small exchange today. She started the exchange. I feel I have her heart but he has her body, because our home life is better than ever the past 6 plus months, except for the physical part. Every so often I see something different in her actions and speech but not often. I do not know what the actions and speech change. Is she missing him or does she feel bad for what she has done? Paranoia surrounds me. Every time I see a car from his state I wonder if that is him and I start freaking out.

hurt, there is no magic formula in confrontation. Just a few tips I can think of:

1. be firm, respectful, factual

2. Don't ask her if she is having an affair, tell her what you know - you know the truth and don't need her confirmation

3. No angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements

After you tell her what you know, calmlyask her what her intentions are for this affair and your marriage. You must make it clear that the only hope for your marriage is if she ends all contact and never ever has contact with the OM again. Ask her to send him a letter of no contact to prove her sincerity. [we have sample no contact letters here and you should write it together and you should mail it yourself]

You must also contact the OM's W. I would suggest doing this as soon as possible [before or] after you confront your W. Don't tell your W you are going to make this call. Exposure to OMW is probably the single most important thing you can do to make sure this affair ends. It will be extra insurance to ensure the affair ends.

These steps may well end the affair and you won't have to expose outside of OMW. If she doesn't end the affair, you may have to start exposing to family and friends. Hopefully, just confrontation and exposure to the OMW will do it.

P.S. whatever you do, don't threaten to call the OMW, don't even bring it up. It should never be used as a bargaining chip. When it is used that way, the WS simply warns the OP and he will pre-empt you by telling his W that "some jealous lunatic" thinks I am after his wife. In other words, you will be portrayed as a nutjob and the W will never get the truth. If you even bring this up to your W, you will have thrown away this very valuable tool. Not to mention that the poor W will never get the truth.

<small>[ October 24, 2004, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

No contact letter samples: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003686#000003

This is all very good advice! I 2nd the motion!

C.

What if she will not admit the affair? How hard do I push? Is this where I start branching out to tell other people that might help? If she does admit do I ask for a decision right now or do I just leave it out there that I know and hope she will come around? In reading some of the articles they talk about writing a letter is this something that is done when I confront her and she admits or is this part of the next step?

Even though my wife and the other man are in different states they still occasionally have to talk business I need to split the affair up. I am all for calling his wife, but I think that he may be leaving work to start another job in a few months. I am afraid that if I call her this may prevent that from happening. If they still work together then they will still have a reason for contact. Are there any suggestions on how I can give ideas to her to keep the conversation way from the affair besides the letter since she will have to be working with him for at least a few months?

Sorry for all the questions but I really want to do this right and not mess up.

Hurt..

She does not need to admit the affair. The topic is not up for discussion [if you are indeed certain..and it sounds as though your evidence is quite solid].

I would not allow myself to be drawn into an arguament [it is a strategic and extremely common diversion tactic..she'll probably try it] or allow her to put me on the defensive re: my knowledge if I were you. No point to it.

So decide before hand what your plans and your goals are.

Any discussion with her will serve no purpose at this time aside from exposure [always a good idea] and getting some slight indication of where she is in this affair.

--Noodle