Sitting here alone today thinking.....

If I wanted to get proof of WH still being in contact with OW....

..... call her at work? Dilogue like this?

Me: Stop contacting my H.

OW: I'm not calling him. He's calling me.

Me: Oh, really! H says that you won't leave him alone.

OW: He can't leave me alone!

Sounds stupid I know. I want proof that my gut feelings are right.

Just ask WH?

YOU TELL ME!

K

Why would she tell you the truth ?

Could you rely on a word she said?

If your answer to either of those Qs is the same as mine, I see absolutely no goodness coming from speaking to her. In fact you may even make her call your WH to tell him.

Just my opinion. I didn't contact OM since NC for the reasons I just gave you.

All blessings.

Don't do it. She'll complain to your wh that you're harassing her....and she WILL lie for him. Believe me...btdt, and it bit me in the [censored].

They're both cheaters and liars right now.

Oh, and your little skit - almost verbatim of the dialog betwixt VD and me.

Your reply is just what I thought after I posted.

I mean, doesn't this kind of stuff go thru your mind when you are alone?

This whole mess occupies my mind everytime I'm not busy.....even then, it keeps popping it's ugly little head up.

This comes to mind.....

My grandson has a saying...

"Come on. Bring it ON!"

(holding up left fist) "This one's the ambulance ride....

(now holding up right fist) "....and this one I'm afraid of MYSELF!!"

DANG but he's the cutest little thing!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks, Bob

K

My 2 cents -- don't do it. I wish you wrote this post before Monday. My wh and ow were cooling off before I contacted her. Now I am back to square one.

Niosgirl....

You call OW "VD"?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My WH's OW I like to call "the lesion"

K

Send her an email or letter, noting that copies are being sent to your husband (and possibly others, like your husband's counselor, parents, best friend, or other accountability partner). The letter should be short and to the point, not ridden with invective. Something like this:

OW:
On X/X/2004, H recommitted to our family and our marriage and sent a "no contact letter" to you stating his intentions. In order for us to rebuild our marriage and put our family, it is imperative that he cut off all contact with you. He has indicated to me that you have continued to contact him against his wishes. I must insist that you refrain from contacting my husband ever again. The greatest gift you can give him is to leave the stage and give us the room we need to repair the damage that has been done and build the marriage we intended to have when we said our vows before God XX years ago.
K

Whoami....

I won't do it. I contacted OW once. She was very snotty to me. OW said WH was at her house at the time.

WH said that when I called her, I FORCED him to break up with her. He said he met her right after I called him on his cell (he lied and said he was at his apartment).

He wouldn't break up with her over the phone, but face to face. He wouldn't be that disrespectful to her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That was the beginning of a very SHORT false recovery. OW contacted him the very next day. They were back on.

Curious.....if you could tell me how to get OW's e-mail address at her work, I would be glad to send her an e-mail.

But on the other hand, WH is being very secretive at this point. My very strong gut feeling is that he is still in contact with her. I have no REAL proof.

K

K - Honest to everything good, those are her IRL initials.....how fitting is THAT???

Niosgirl......LIKE A GLOVE!!!!!

K

K,

how are things????

bb

K,
If you don't have her email address, send it snail mail. If you don't know where she lives, send it to her office.

Good Morning.....

Everything is OKAY here. I say OKAY because I did talk to WH last night.

Me: It's been almost 3 weeks since you moved back home. How are you doing?

WH: It's really hard sometimes.

Me: I know it is very hard for you. It's hard for me too...to see how you are suffering. But it takes a real man to make a hard decision and stick with it. I'm here to support you.

WH: (looking sad) I know.

Me: Have you had any contact with OW? Phone, e-mail, voice mail?

WH: No, I've only seen her walking thru when I am at the office. I'm trying to stay out of there as much as I can.

Me: Well, does it bother you when I ask about contact with OW?

WH: No.

Me: If you would just tell me about anything to do with that, I would not have to ask. But I really do appreciate your honesty.

WH: I know I said I really wanted to work on our marriage. But I'm just not ready to do any of that stuff right now with how bad I'm feeling.

Me: All that will come in time. Right now, your honesty is the most important thing to me.

He got up, and went into the computer room. He came back out with an old bill that was laying there. Seemed mad, and asked why it was still laying there. I told him I had already paid it, and that I just hadn't thrown it away yet.

He went back into the room, and when he came out later, he was a lot nicer to me. He even laid on the couch beside me while we watched a movie.

Also, earlier in the day, he was talking about building a room onto our garage. The corner of it would cut into part of the yard I had done some work on.

I was trying to POJA about it, because it would ruin part of the design of the yard I wanted to complete (I have done ALL of the landscaping, and yard maintainance, he does not do any of it).

He then LB'd me saying that "how long have you been working on this, and it's still not done?"

It was very hard not to get mad or sarcastic. He was making a disrespectful judgement.

He thinks that everything that is started, should be finished ASAP. I think that it's a work in progress. Especially since I have NO help from him in this (very hard work, digging, lifting, etc.)

Anyway.....we DO have things to work on in our marriage. I can see how this incident made me feel. He always has put down any effort of mine if I don't do it in a manner he thinks is correct.

The thing I really feel bad about is that I did not also tell him during our conversation about contact that contact with OW is a deal breaker.

Thought about sending him an e-mail to say that, but don't know if I should or not.

Curious....I don't think I will send ANYTHING to OW...I'm pretty sure she would run right to WH to let him know. NOT GOOD. MUST KEEP THEM APART!!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK? (about sending WH the e-mail?)

K

PS...hi bb.....how was your weekend? Did you get to do something fun?

K
I think you did well in your talk with him. It's great to clear the air and lay down some groundrules. Will he counsel with the Harleys or Penny? Maybe you can get him to come here or at least read the site or books?

I would NOT contact OW at all. IMO this will only backfire on you, plus she is bound to be a b*tch, especially if he really is in NC and you accuse her of contacting him. Will he write a NC letter??

I suggested sending her the message because initially you sounded suspicious of your husband. You said you thought there was continued contact, instigated by your husband. At the time I read your first post, I inferred that your husband had told you he wasn't contacting her, but she was contacting him. In looking back over your post, I can see I read too much into it. My message was only meant to confront the contact issue head on. But now that you seem to believe there is no contact, my message would not be appropriate.

How long will they be working in the same organization. Is your husband looking for another job?

No, I am still suspicious. Some things just don't seem right.

Judging from their previous break up (which lasted less than 24 hours), I figure OW will or already has contacted him.

He said she wouldn't do that. When he was done with her, she was DONE with him. But, we already know that it was OW that contacted WH first that time. Even tho WH said he was the one who called her first (OMG he is screwed up).

WH has sent her a letter...I don't know everything it said. He will NOT send her another letter.

I have not relaxed my boundaries. I'm still keeping eyes and ears open. And thinking, thinking, thinking of ways to do that.

K

K,

have you talked with SH lately?? Will your husband talk with him also??

take care
bb

Hi bb.......

No, I haven't talked to SH lately. WH still won't talk to anyone.

I have been suspicious that WH is still in contact with OW, but has been erasing calls from his work cell when he contacts her, or his work voice mail.

I started writing down the call timer on his work cell. Since yesterday, he has made 20 calls, 14 of which only show in the call log.

So, it seems that 4-5 calls have been erased.

I'm going to keep watching this.

WH has to be gone for work tonight (suspicious).

I guess when I get enough info, I will confront him with it.

I just don't know what else to do.

Any suggestions?

K

Dear K,

geeeeezzzzzzzzzz................I would say listen to your "gut"........if you are feeling that things are not right, then they surely are not right. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Do you have any "close" friends that would be willing to help you out??

Do you know where OW lives???? Do you have the code for your husbands cellphone??

I'd like to recommend a very good book. Get it as soon as possible!!!!! It's called: "Cheaters" by Raymond B. Green

One interesting thing in the book mentions to write a jounal. Write down everything. How your WS smells, what he does, tone of voice, behaviour, body language......When your spouce gives an explantion or suspicious story, write it down.
Wait a week, then ask your partner about the story again.
Two good signs that an individual is lying are a lack of eye contact (the person will often look up as if they're trying to remember) and a pause before the answer.
Watch for these two signs while you're listening to your mate tell you the same story a week apart.

K, what do you mean with:
WH has to be gone for work tonight (suspicious).

take care
bb

bb....

That sounds like a good book to get. I already have a journal, but have not started writing things down yet.

I have been keeping a little day calendar to write events down just to jog my memory with dates and things that have been happening.

I do know where OW lives....about an hour from here.

And, what's with the geeeeezzzzz......I KNOW I sound like a "dumb whiner". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guess I AM a dumb whiner. Geeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzz......that's what I'm saying to MYSELF! Just kidding....

No, really, bring out the 2x4's......if someone would have done that to me a long time ago, maybe this wouldn't have gone on for so long. I think I keep talking myself out of these thoughts.

WH has to go with the crew on the boat today and tomorrow. They will be staying in a town 4 hours away.

But he is taking a "motor pool" car so he can come home earlier tomorrow for band practice. Sounds suspicious to me. Don't know why.....just does.

K