now i am just scared to death.

it wont be this weekend or anything yet, but i do feel i am ready. i have a lot of writing to do and want to talk to IC again. she understand my urgency although she wants me to be strong enough to be able to handle it too.

this weeks IC session resulted in some big thought pattern changes in me. i have not talked about it much (yet). needed stuff to soak in. i want to sometime, more to help others and i suppose to keep it from trickling back out.

this post is a request for major prayers. prayers as i write and prayers as i get closer and closer, that i not falter. i'm thinking i will do this next friday.

my daily prayer is a very strong, please help me do Your will. i want to do Your will, not mine. show me how and be with us.

a very strong thank you to everyone that has been with me thru all of this.

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL,

Have you thought about doing this in the presence of your IC, so that she/he could help your H understand all of this better? Just a thought, but you might discuss it with IC.

I worry about this new level of revelations as well, but it seems clear that it is eating you up and so it must be addressed. I am thinking that as you have focused on all of this and have focused on it, that you are stablizing emotionally, and that your need to act out in this manner will actually go away.

I am just guessing of course, but you sound more "solid" now. I know this has to scare you to death, it sure would me. Yet...you are on course aren't you?

Hang in there FL and God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> this post is a request for major prayers. prayers as i write and prayers as i get closer and closer, that i not falter. i'm thinking i will do this next friday.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL- You have my prayers- and I'm sure the prayers of many others here.

FL,

Please consider JL's advice about telling your H in the presence of your IC...

My W informed me of 6 A's that I never even suspected. Like you, she was very uneasy about telling me because we'd already been in MC for a couple of months.

My W had several good Christian friends from our church come over to our house when she told me... and I'm glad that they were there... Yes, I was shocked, I was deeply hurt, but having those other women there really helped me control the anger that I felt towards my W for betraying me.

I'll be praying for you and I know that God will give you the strenght to do what you need to do...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Finallylearning, I have been praying for you and i will definitly continue to do so, i'm going to pray for God to calm your fears and give you strength, and give your husband a forgiving and kind spirt. Please don't leave anything out when you tell him, it may hurt him but being totally honest is the only way for both you and he to heal. Just think it will all be out in the open, no more secerts, no more fear of that one other thing he does not know about, that in itself will surely feel good for you. Take Care.

FL: It's good to hear you're making progress. MarriageBuilder prayers and hugs ({{{{{FL}}}}}) to you. Take care!

RH

I will also keep you in my prayers, for you to have the strength to go through with this.

You will need to get it ALL out at one shot.
Do not stab him with 1000 little daggers over the course of a week or whatever.

My vote goes to JL's advice, do it in the presence of your IC, having given the IC advance notice.

(((((((((((((((FL))))))))))))))

Best wishes
SD

I know this is so scary to do and your need to have this out can be overwhelming at times, at least it was for me.

It might be good to have someone with you, perhaps IC when you discuss this.

You have my prayers and well wishes FL.

thanks to all of you that posted and are praying. i have some news about our weekend, H now knows there is more i need to tell him but he has agreed to wait till friday. he has been exceptionaly kind. sat night he held me so tightly. today was very pleasant. i know it's all about to shatter into a million pieces, it's kinda good to know he knows its coming too. it will be just he and i, he prefers it that way, i agree. i'm sure i'll be posting a lot this week, I think i will see IC twice this week. i left her a message sat night, told her what happened and asked to see her twice in order to be ready for friday. she called today but i missed the call. i'll talk to her tommorow.

please keep us in your prayers. thanks.

I will pray that He helps you make your will, His will.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> thanks to all of you that posted and are praying. i have some news about our weekend, H now knows there is more i need to tell him but he has agreed to wait till friday. he has been exceptionaly kind. sat night he held me so tightly. today was very pleasant. i know it's all about to shatter into a million pieces, it's kinda good to know he knows its coming too. it will be just he and i, he prefers it that way, i agree. i'm sure i'll be posting a lot this week, I think i will see IC twice this week. i left her a message sat night, told her what happened and asked to see her twice in order to be ready for friday. she called today but i missed the call. i'll talk to her tommorow.

please keep us in your prayers. thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL- I'm glad that your husband is somewhat prepared- I'm sure that does make it easier for you right now- and will hopefully make this easier for him as he mentally gets ready for your talk. Are you going somewhere for this discussion or are the kids going to be staying over at a friend's house?

Prayers being said for you and your family.

I will be praying for you this week. I think there are good signs here, in that H is being loving and kind, while knowing there is more to come.

~ad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Finally Learning: (yes you are)

Prayers, Support......You got it!

Just remember that we are with you in prayer and in spirit.

Never discount the courage this takes. We sure don't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Or the amount of character your showing in doing this.
Cause let's face it.....this is a tough one to have to Face up to & then to admit.....to Anyone.

However, by doing this....your removing a HUGE anchor that's been around both your head and heart.

It's also the last major "obstacle" that stands between you, your husband and true intimacy.

In addition, its a sign of the Personal Progress you are making!

Yes, your going to have doubts.
Yes, your going to be scared.

Just keep in mind that they are just "feelings". No different then feeling hungry, tired, cold or hot. They may be extremely "uncomfortable"....but they cannot kill you.

Of course this isn't all going to be a picnic. Your H is going to be in total "shock" for a while.
Just a fact. But you/he can get through this.

In fact, getting through this and gettting to a Healthy M, is TOTALLY dependent on your willingness to be Honest.

I'm SO glad for you and your M that you now feel like your ready to tackle this Long Overdue task.
Again, as unpleasant as it is.....it is Totally Necessary.

I also think you did a kind action in letting your H be more "prepared" for this news.
Yes, he will be stressed this week....but he will at least be as prepared (as one can be) for this revelation.
Just like YOU needed time to prepare to "come clean", You did HIM a very big Service by giving him a "heads up" before hand.
I thank you for that (for him). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

One last thing: Do yourself (and your H) a Favor and make sure you get it ALL out this time.
He may understand your "need" to hide this from him [I understood my W's need to hide certain things].

However, I'm still NOT OVER her hiding, ommitting, shading, or out right lying about ANYTHING AFTER our 2nd D-day.
Cause I "thought" it was ALL out on the table then.

Get it all out, as much as can be done in 1 conversation ...(or at least be completly Honest when he does have his thousand and one questions once you tell him your news).

Cause believe me, He's going to have some!
These of course, are going to come out over Time.

Prayers you want .....You got em!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WE are PROUD of <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Take care

Hi FL,

I know that every situation is different, but wanted to share a bit more about what I was feeling and how my W's additional information affected me.

I believe that it's VERY good that your H knows that there's more information and that he is still loving towards you and willing to wait until Friday. My W's friends called me and told me that my W had some more information that she needed to tell me as well... so, like your H, I had a bit of a warning as well... I was suspecting "the worst". As hard as it was to hear what my W had to tell me, it wasn't nearly as bad as I "thought" it would be...

When my W finally brought everything out, she confirmed one A that I'd always suspected, and then proceeded to tell me of 5 others that I had no clue about... I was shocked. I was angry. But most of all, I was relieved... I finally understood why I always felt that there was something missing in our M.

Something was always boiling just below the surface of our M for 10 years and I never could figure out what it was. Once my W gave me all of the information about all of her A's, I felt that we finally had a chance to rebuild our M into what God intended for it to be.

I was determined to continue to love my W and rebuild our M no matter what had happend in the past. We immediately started MC with our church and she started IC... It wasn't easy... and it didn't happen overnight.

After lots of prayer, Christian MC, IC for my W, plus a 7 month deployment thrown in just for fun, I finally felt that we were on the path to where God intended for us to be. This whole "process" took about 2.5 years... It's been almost 4 years since that fatefull night in December 2000, and I can honestly say that God HAS rebuilt our M and it's better than we ever dreamed it could be.

You mentioned that your H has been exceptionally kind and that he's still willing to hold you... Again, I think this is a great indication that your H will respond in a positive way when you finally tell him. He will be hurt and most likely will be angry... but I bet that once he gets over the initial shock of this new information, that he will remain committed to rebuilding the M with you.

I'm praying for you and for your H... Trust God's word and read Philippians 4:6-7 & Philippians 4:13.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

thanks again to all that posted. i am feeling very overwhelmed this morning. i want to do this right, my biggest fear is that i will not tell him everything. I HAVE TO FIND THE COURAGE TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING.

i've been tempted to tell him, after we talk, ask me if there is anything else i am afraid to share, because there is something to share that occured while we were engaged and in 1991. if i tell him that now, then i cannot chicken out come friday. but how much stress can i really expect him to deal with???

FL,

Have you thought about writing down everything you want to tell your H? You could write your H a letter that explains EVERYTHING, seal it up, then give it to him AFTER you tell him on Friday... That way, you know that he's going to either hear it from you, or he's going to read it after you have your talk...

Tell your H everything... no matter how long ago it happened. If something happened while you were engaged, then I think that you should tell your H.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Finally learning:

IMO,
R I Faith 90 has a great suggestion.

Take your history, Right it ALL out in a letter and just Give it too him.

That way you can get it ALL out and not have to worry about looking at his face (and chickening out from telling the rest) just because you "feel" your hurting him too much.

This also affords you the option of writing it out "in pieces" (as I'm sure its going to be extremely emotional for you as well).
This way, You can write some....take a break (even a day or 2) and then start back in on the task when you are ready.

Not having to "tell" him in person also assures you that you won't get flustered or panicky and leave something out, just because your emotions get the best of you.

The letter is the best way to get "what" you want to communicate out......but also lets you say it in the "WAY" you want it conveyed (as you have the luxury of getting your thoughts together at each step).

This is in NO WAY a cope out.
Cause you'll still have plenty of time (the rest of your lives actually) to let your H ask and then you clarify ANY questions he may have. (or should say... WILL have).

But at least the initial "information" will be as complete as you feel it can be.

Take this under consideration, as it may be the thing to help you to get started and just "do it".
Wishing you success! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I truly dislike this server.

Sorry for the never ending double posts.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

RIF90,

thanks for the thought, it is a good one. in my head i have so many "writings" going on. but i'm not getting anything down on real paper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i have not been able to reach IC today, she called me earlier but somehow i missed the call, i called back 15min later but she has not returned that call. i was hoping to see her today but now i don't think that is going to happen. i may end up only seeing her on wed.

i know this has to happen on friday. i know it all has to come out this time. I WANT it to all come out too. i want to be free of it all, i don't want this evil to have any hold on me anymore.

but too much is happening in my head right now, i'm feeling overwhelmed, it's all happening so fast now. IC did not really want me to be in a hurry to confess, but that was for my sake, not H. and his needs are more important now. i can't let him continue down the path of trying to heal and forgive without knowing everything.

last wed, during IC, i had a major breakthru. i want to post about it, but i cannot right now, because being ready for friday is going to take everything i have right now. the important thing to note is that since that breakthru, i honestly and probably for the first time in my life, do not feel inherintly bad at my core, something i have felt my whole life. it's like a blindfold has been removed.

on that same morning, wed morning, before IC, i said something to my H about some IC that occured back in 2001, something that i didn't even realize he still did not know. and it was a very significant to him.

shortly after my breakdown, we tried going into MC with a C we heard about thru church, attended a seminar by him at our church. i pushed for us to go to the seminar but afterwards i didn't really like the person, even though i did see wisdom in his message. my H on the other hand did like him. and he felt comfortable trying MC with him. and so we did, but the MC turned into IC with just me and i confided about the A that would have just bearly been started at that point. and i told him of the A that occured in 1991. i think i also confided about my chatting in general. i am sure i told him the OM was someone from the internet so even if i didn't go into a lot of detail about chatting, he should of been able to put 1 and 1 together.

in my state of mind, i felt divorce was what was needed, and this C agreed. i was in a very emotional state, the guy knew my dad had just died, he knew i was in the day program prior to this, he SHOULD NOT have agreed with and helped me proceed down the path of divorce. he should of helped stabalize me first. instead he told me he would help me thru the divorce, but worse of all, he told me he didn't think my H loved me and he believed my H would be with someone new before the year ended. that stmt did a lot of damage to me, because it stuck with me very deeply.

after telling the kids we were seperating which was the first step towards divorce, i freaked out, and i stopped dead in my tracks, and the IC told me that if i was bent on changing my mind, he could no longer counsol me, he said he thought trying to reconcile was a bad decision that would just result with me contemplating suicide again and he wouldn't watch that happen. but i continued to say i do not want divorce and so he told me he could not longer be my C and that counsoling stopped.

this information hit my H hard. and although he told me he was not mad at me, he withdrew.

so he was going downhill as i had this breakthru that left me finally feeling like a whole person.

on thurs when he didn't call me about the tentitive lunch we had planned, i didn't worry about it. i just let him have space. and it felt very easy to do, i knew that is what he needed, and i was able to give it to him. but then thurs night came and went, and he was still withdrawn, but i was still feeling good about my ability to be ok with it (something i normally could not handle, him needing to withdrawal), friday i was able to get off of work early to play raquetball and i just wanted to help him relax and shake off his worries. but he still needed more time. friday night we watched seabiscuit with my son, excellent movie and that seemed to help him. and so i moved towards him.

i gave him a note i had written on thursday when i accepted that he was not going to call me for lunch. in that note i told him how i was able to be ok with that, and how good that felt. i had originally held off giving him the note, cuz he was in a withdrawn state. but i should of held off, he was not really ready yet.

sat morning, i lost it, i was not able to understand why he would not open up to me, i had given him lots of space, my "reward" was supposed to be him openning up to me once ready. but he didn't want to and so i saw that as him sweeping it under the rug. that he just waited out his neg. feelings but did not want to process and get to underlying causes and come together and talk and grow closer. and that scared me. because i don't want a marriage like we used to have. so i told him that scared me. he says i just lost my patience and that i was trying to force him out of his withdrawn state because my need for him to not be withdrawn from me was greater than his need for space. and that he just could not do that anymore, let my needs take precedence. he needed space and i had to give him as much as he needed.

then he told me that although the new news was not bad in the sense that I did something wrong but it was still new news to him and it put everything back into center stage for him and that is hard for him. he said, actually this new news is good in the sense that it helped him see that it was not just me pushing to move down the divorce path, that i was being incorrectly influenced. and he said any new information is bound to do that to him, even though this information was not something i was trying to hide from him. and then he said, he just would like to know he knows everything. that is when i told him there was more that i needed to tell him and that i was in fact planning on doing so this coming friday. that i had been talking with IC about it.

he understood we could not talk right there and then, and he agreed to wait until friday.

now i have no idea what my point was when i started this post.

except on some level i am feeling less overwhelmed again. but i still have so much writing to do for friday.