</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ... and then he said, he just would like to know he knows everything. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL, that's exactly the way I felt and mentioned in my previous post...

My prayer for you is the God will strengthen you and give you clarity to write down your true feelings and facts about what happened in the past and give you strenght as you talk with your H this Friday.

My prayer for your H is that God will protect his heart and help him through this painful time and that He will give your H a conviction and a desire to continue to work with you in rebuilding your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

FL,

Just calm down and relax. I know in ways you want all of this to burst out and be done. But, I do think you need to script this abit and hopefully your IC will help.

I suspect you are thinking along these lines but permit me to suggest that you tell your H of your breakthroughs, of the things you have struggled with before you two met, during the marriage and recently. Tell him how you have coped with some of these issues and that would include repeating what he knows of your past attempts to cope, affair with OM etc. Then tell him during that time you did not limit yourself to OM and then tell him that there were others, start with the number, then with any attachments emotionally, then the fact that Om also encouraged you, and then tell him he knows one of the men.

It will hurt him but he will have heard the cause and effect and you will have put the timing and thinking into the context of this period of your life.

FL, you keep getting stronger and better, and it would truely be a shame that your H might miss the best you have to offer, and that is a lot more than it used to be even a few months ago. But, for him to enjoy it he needs to know the truth and I know you know that.

You are doing the right thing but it sure is not easy is it. But do calm down, speak very slowly, speak softly, hold his hand, but make sure he knows the context of a lot of this. It really is not about him is it? Tell him why it is not if that is the case, but tell him why it is NOW all about him, and how you have grown.

Hang in there FL.

God Bless,

JL

yesterday, i was feeling so overwhelmed, the posts here helped and i took off over lunch and started writing in my car. i got a great beginning 2 paragraphs, i'm sure if i shared it all here, you guys would say, wow, that is so nice.

what a joke though, cuz now i have to get to the ugly parts and i was so stuck. last night, i finally ended up writing about what occured in 1991.

this morning, fear wants to consume me. it tells me i'm crazy to think there is any chance for a positive outcome in the end. i don't want to listen to the fear, i want to stay the course, live as God has shown us "and if you do something against your brother, leave your sacrafice at the alter and go make ammends first" (i'm really bad with bible verses, anyone able to point me to the exact spot that i just referred to) and i want to believe that with God all things are possible and this marriage can survive. and even if it does not that this is still God's will and He will make all things right, whatever His definition of right is. but mostly i want to beleive that my H will be OK, God will carry him thru this.

i sure could use another dose of encouragement here.

i am meeting with IC today at noon.

and i just realized, i forgot to take my meds this morning (i'm already at work).

Hi FL,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but mostly i want to beleive that my H will be OK, God will carry him thru this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God is the ONLY reason that my W and I are still married today.... My W said many of the things that you are saying right now. She was so scared that I'd leave her after finding out about 5 other A's that she'd kept hidden from me for over 10 years...

God has a way of taking care of His own... your H is in good hands... Trust God. He won't let you down.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

FL- I'm not a Bible guru so will leave it to someone else here to find the verse for you.

You know, FL, I was reading a bible study this morning- and in some ways it reminded me of the MB program! Sounds crazy a bit- but let me cut and paste and perhaps it will make more sense:

The topic is forgiveness of sin:

IV. God requires more than confession with the mouth. It is the heart of man with which He is really concerned.

A. The continual forgiveness of our sins in a day by day walk with God is conditional upon our forgiveness of others.

Matthew 6:9-15; 18:23-35
Mark 11:22-26

B. God demands true repentance (a complete turnaround, the forsaking of our own way).

Isaiah 55:7
John 8:11

C. Sorrow for sin is necessary (Psalms 38:18), but it is not in itself sufficient (Mark 10:17-22; 2 Corinthians 7:9-10; Hebrews 12:17).

D. We must expose and confess our sin. Nothing can remain hidden from God.

Psalms 32:2-5; 38:17-18; 66:18; 69:5
Jeremiah 16:17
Ezekiel 8:12; 9:9

True repentance, sorrow, exposure and confession are all required for God's forgiveness- and I think that is true not only for our relationship with God, but for those we have wronged. I know this is extraordinarily painful- and scary beyond imagining...I know that when I confessed to my H I could hardly make the words come out of my mouth. I was so SCARED.....but it was so necessary- not only for H but for me as well. I will pray for strength for you and your H- and your whole family this week, and especially on Friday and Saturday. You have my support, FL, and my admiration for sticking this through. The easier thing would be to walk away- and you are not doing that.

I think the letter is a good idea- not only b/c it will *force* you to tell everything, but it will also help you to clarify your thoughts before you sit down to talk with your H.

Blessings and hugs to you today, FL.

thanks RIF90, i hope i can be saying the same things you are saying in a year or two. it really helps to see that others survived.

thanks sadfww for your post too.

FL- AFter I posted I realized that you probably didn't need a lesson in Christian sin and forgiveness this morning. After reading through the lesson this morning, however, I was just struck at the parallels between Christian atonement and MB concepts- (dumb me- I know this is a christian based community so not sure why this just was a lightbulb moment for me.)

In any case, I wanted to say this too:

FL- your H WANTS to stay married to you. If he was going to leave it is likely that he would have left after your first Dday. You have an enormous shared history together- you have built a life together, and leaving or changing all of that is likely not something he wants to do- not to mention the fact that he loves you. I think that by approaching this as JL suggested that you will enable him to stay. Being shown the *reason* for what happened- and that you are well on your way to recovering yourself- will go a long way with him I think, and will give him a justification in his own mind for continuing your marriage. As you know, many people say "how COULD you stay with your spouse after they cheated on you...blah blah blah..." You're giving him the answer here- you are showing him your love, your remorse and are also giving him a reason to think it won't happen agin.

Don't know if this makes sense or helps in any little way...but I just want you to know that I really AM thinking about and praying for you FL.

Hope things go well with the IC today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i sure could use another dose of encouragement here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have great faith that you can do anything you put your mind to, FL. You have done just that in the past. Also, do not limit people's ability to forgive . . . the power of love.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a journey, not a destination . . . just little rest stops along the way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> No matter what, when all is said and done, you will be more than you were when you started posting here - just like me.

Love, Spidey

thanks spidey,

ic in 2 hrs and counting. i feel very stuck right now.

JL, i am trying to figure out how to get everything organized in a good way. i don't know if H will deal well with me trying to talk about insights from counsoling after waiting close to a week to learn about the new information. don't you think, he will be thinking... "enough with all that already, tell me what you have been hiding!!!"?

bump up...

IC went well, i have so much more preparing to do, i'm meeting with IC again tommorow.

i'm bumping this up to get more support,

TMCM, remember you said something like, when i was ready to confess, you would be here to offer support.

help me here guys, i know i will need it even more after friday but i really need the strength and courage now too.

how is that for shamelessly asking for attention???

FL

You can count on me to give you moral support. Remember that if Hopeful_Person [a FWW] was able to reconcile with her XH [who was very reluctant in the beginning when she started posting here], you also have a chance to rebuild your marriage. Have faith.

TMCM.

FL,

You can do this, and as someone posted earlier your H wants a reason to stay, so make sure he understands what you now understand about yourself and what your dream is for your marriage. I know this seems odd to say, but the one thing most BS's needs is a reason to stay and hope, that they are not a fool for staying as well as that they are respected.

Personally, I cannot emphasize enough that you should mention the roll your H has played in pulling you through this and pulling the marriage through this. You might even want to write down these things (not about the A but these types of things) so that he can read them later after you have told him. I am sure he will be devastated, but when the shock wears off, he will have in his hand why you value the marriage, and why you value him and how you respect him.

Also remember really NOTHING has happened since the A's he knows about, so while this will hurt don't forget to point this out. It won't mean much at first, but it will later when he ponders what to do.

Those are my thoughts on this. I am sure more strange ideas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> will come bubbling up later, but FL I also think he suspects or knows the jist of what you are going to tell him. It will still hurt but I really think he has a better idea of what has happened than you realize.

hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

FL-
I did not plan my DDay.
I was on board for a
while before I told H.
It was MB people that
encouraged me. I was
stubborn at first- did
not want to hurt H in
such a way as revealing
my A details. I was
living a lie-and was
still in my fog-but my
heart was so heavy-I
felt as though had to
tell him. well......
that was in may. life
was mess for awhile.
I can say it is better
now, but my life is
not without its share
of concerns.
Soooo...I want the same
for you... and H. one
day at a time...
be strong-that is about
all I can say now-I
will stay in touch-
prayers-pal

thanks TMCM and JL.

H and i talked some today about the revelation i had last week in IC, i hope to talk a little bit about it again tonight. IC gave me the book she read to me outloud last week, so i could read the whole chapter and show it to H too. last week i only came home with the workbook and did some work in that.

i do wish there would of been a little more time between last week's counsoling and this confession but i do believe God had a hand in how this is all working out. i'm just going to have to trust that since i had been prayer for God to show me how to do this, to guide me, for the right timing and the right words, that this is how it is supposed to be happening.

i;m glad i was able to see IC twice this week. it allowed me to first talk about how last week and doing the exercise from the book effected me first. she is encouraging me to talk to H about that too, it will help re-inforce it in my head as well as give him important insight. i hope we can talk about it some tonight.

I also got to show IC the intro of what i have written so far. she didn't think i should change any bit of it. i'm still not sure what order to put things in, i'm going to write each part seperately and then figure out the order.

part of me is treating this like it is a presentation i am preparing, i feel like i am in some ways having a mind out of body experience, but i think i kinda have to do it this way, if i start to think too much about how terrible this is going to be for him to hear, i lose it and then i can't be productive.

i have thought a lot about sharing what i am writing here, in order for feedback, but it's just too personal to put it out here for everyone to see.

JL, if i were to send it to you in email, do you think you would have time to see, read and comment on it?? i doubt i would be able to get it typed in and sent to you until tommorow moring sometime. i see IC at noon, i plan to be 100% done before i leave for home tommorow, which is about 5pm central time, so i can get it printed out. i realize you might not have the time as this is now very short notice so if you cannot that is ok. let me know.

does anyone think having it typed instead of hand written is bad?

we are going to talk on thurs instead of friday. that gives him one less day to wait it out (but also one less day for me to be ready). i do think he is anxious to hear. i am amazed he is able to be so patient and so loving while he is waiting. i don't know if i could of been doing the same for him.

thanks for the support here!!!

So many other people have given you really great advice, I don't know if there is anything I can add, except that you are doing the right thing. While your H will probably be shocked a bit, I think he will know in his heart that he has the whole story. I think it will end up bringing him a sense of relief. I also think that after the whole truth is told, that it will start the both of you on a while new path to recovery. Besides, how can you H help you if he doesn't know everything?
Good luck, you are in my prayers, and we all know you can do this, and can do it with grace and composure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FL,

You have my email right? I am in and out of my office this week, but I will do my best to read it. I am on the west coast so send it if you would like.

JL

Hi FL,

I'm glad that you had a good session with your IC... You sound very strong and determined. I know this is so hard for you.

I was IMing my W and mentioned you and your H and asked her to add you and your H to her prayer list...

My W has never posted here, and I'm not really sure that she ever will... I asked her if she had any words to pass on to you as she has gone through the same "process" that you are now going through.

She said that the main thing for you to do is to put your trust in God and claim His promise that He WILL take care of you no matter how your H reacts... She said that she struggled with telling me for over 10 years... Her biggest struggle was the fact that she'd confessed her sin to God but not to me and never felt at peace with God or herself.

You are doing the right thing. You are doing a very brave thing. God WILL bring you and your H through this...

My W and I are praying for you and for your H... Stay the course and trust in the Lord.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>

Hi FL,

How are you doing this morning?

Thinking of you and your H and wanted to let you know that you are both in our prayers.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

pal, thanks for the post, i don't know how i missed it yesterday, i just saw it today.

thanks also to TTsi, JL and RIF90.

when H came to bed last night i discovered he was very concerned and although willing to wait, he needed the waiting to end.

i didn't have my note ready but i got it all out on my own. i didn't leave anything out, including how i got online 3 weeks ago, which really concerned him, but i kept trying to say, the good news was i stopped myself. i know i am now free of that addiction. i will need to forever still guard myself, i will still have to never give myself any access to chatting but i do believe i am on the right track. i don't think that helped him much but maybe eventually.

i plan to stay home from work today, just to be available to him. he said nothing about either of us leaving. that must be really good news. he was rather quite, listened to everything, asked some questions, hard questions, but he was not mean. he is finally sleeping, hopefully it is good sleep. i'm just going to stay close to him, watch over him and pray. i'm personally kinda numb right now in regards to my own feelings, i just want to be available to him. i want to be 100% here for him, my time to let my feelings/reactions can come later.

please keep us in your prayers. i don't expect to be on the computer much from home but i will check in as i can.