Me 35, W 33, Two S 12 & 6. M 10, Pre-M 5.
Bomb 3 Weeks ago (LYBNILWY) by Wife; caught totally offguard- no legal divorce mentioning yet.
Still living together BUT she is ED.
Did the begging, pleading, why's, balling, etc (hey I was dumb-founded and un-educated as to what was happening.

Tried techniques from books & articles from library/internet. Things were neutral at least and I was working hard at things (Smalley's Book and Davis's DR book), UNTIL...I was bent on the idea that she was having an affair. Two days ago, after she went up to bed, I had a near-nervous breakdown, and felt I just had to find something out. So, stupidly, I rummaged through her purse to see if I could find something (my mind was screwed up at that point from lack of sleep/food/overwheming thoughts, etc). Unknowingly, she came back downstairs to get something, and CAUGHT me in the act. I blurted out that I felt she was cheating on me and was trying to find something. OOOOOO boy. Satan was definately in control there. In the 15 years I've known her, I NEVER ever snooped or was jealous once. But after the bomb and all, I was not my usual self, and she broke MY trust in our marriage, so I HAD to know what was going on. I truly believe now that there was/is no physical affair (yet).
My question is, after being caught snooping, is THAT type of a Love Buster, under the circumstances, truly the end now - should I just surrender all?

Flabbergasted,

It's an awful feeling when you lose faith and trust. Many of us understand how you feel.

What set off these suspicions? You said you were "bent on the idea that she was having an affair." Why? Was there something she said or did that set this idea up in your mind? Has she had an affair before?

Andrew

Well, after the bomb, I was confused, and scared, overwhlemed, etc.. I was one of those "I'd do anything for you" husbands and bent over backwards for her and my two kids. So WHY WHY WHY was constantly in my head. In the weeks after bomb, I tried to put 2&2 together, thinking about clues before and after this all happened and here's what I ""believed"" set my "affair" thinking off:
1)Ring was off (she NEVER took it off before).
2)She did alot of things with her best girl-friend that I never could convince her to do with me (movies, golf, shop, country drives, etc.)
3)She lost a lot of weight in like 3 months (from size 8 to size 2!!).
4)She joined a gym about a month before bomb, and didn't really want me to go with her (she went with GF though).
5)She would tell me about guys that hit on her, and/or told her flattering things.
6)She went a lot of places w/o the kids, yet I always had to "take the kids". She did take me for granted.
7)If we did go to a function together, she flirted a lot with others, but pretty much ignored me.
8)Things were so much "Fun" out there (so she would say in her stories), but she would not let me take her out to "Fun".
9)If I accomplished something (sports, work, in house, etc) she was ho-hum, yet she would describe in detail how great someone else's accomplishment was.

I NOW believe her greatest emotional need in the past year is Recreational Companionship, and if I had known then about marriage as to what I know now, we probably wouldn't be in this mess. I was so busy keeping family matters afloat and being a good father and provider, that I didn't have a plan to spend more time with her (hey, I'm only human!). Under the circumstances, this was very hard to devote so much time between the kids and her. I guess someone would have suffered a bit. She has left out my needs for years too, but I just "dug deeper" to "please her". I NOW know this was all a mistake. But, I was always devoted to her, loved her, and provided her with PRETTY MUCH all of the emotional needs described by Dr. Harley, except for the Rec Comp. The thing is, needs vary over time, and I think I just didn't adjust to her Rec Comp need in time. I didn't read the signs nor ask her!

So, I was convinced she was ahving her "fun" elsewhere. Remember, I was NEVER jealous of her before the bomb, due to MY trust and faith in her.

Flabbergasted,

Have you talked to your wife about this with the same urgency and honesty that are in your post?

Maybe you were right to suspect her. Maybe you weren't. But..you'd have been served, most likely, by simply talking with her about your suspicions - and the reasons for them.

I'm curious, by the way....do you suspect that it is her gf she is having an affair with?